To Love and to Cherish (39 page)

“Catherine—”

“I just want you to know that… that I love you.” Her voice quivered. “No matter what happens, remember that.”

“What are you talking about? Is something going on?” The Shiracks, like other Plain folks, weren’t ones to talk about emotion. It was understood. “You sound…you sound like you’re saying good-bye.”

“There’s something you should know.” Catherine gave her a sideways glance, then studied the horizon. “You’re not going to like it. No one will.”

“Tell me. Just tell me.”

“Doctor Miller has been driving me into Wichita to see the psychologist.” Catherine said the words quickly, letting them run together in her obvious desire to get them all out. “Twice a week.”

“Ach
, Catherine, what have you done? Without telling Luke!” So that’s where she’d been when she was supposed to be cleaning houses. What a web of lies she’d woven. Emma could see her brother’s disappointed, furious face already. He would worry that people would find out. Catherine with mental problems that needed treatment in Wichita. “He’ll be so angry. I don’t know what he’ll do.”

“I’m eighteen. I don’t need his permission.” Catherine’s tart tone said that fact gave her great satisfaction. “This isn’t about Luke or our family. Or what people will think. It’s about me. I know it’s hard for you to understand. I needed help. Help no one was willing to let me get. I was drowning. I wanted to die. I thought about it all the time.”

“I’m so sorry.” Hot tears warmed Emma’s face, but her heart could feel only cold dread at what was coming. “I tried to be a good sister.”

“You are a good sister.” Catherine sighed. “But that’s not enough. Don’t you see? Aenti Louise’s stories are not enough. I needed real help.”

“So you went to Doctor Miller.”

“Not on purpose. I was in town, getting cleaning supplies, when I saw him at the grocery store.” Her voice faltered. “He saw it in my face. He was so kind. He stopped and asked me if I was all right.”

She wiped at tears with the back of her glove. “I couldn’t lie. I burst into tears right there in the soap aisle. It was awful, shameful. He took me aside, and he asked me to let him help me.”

“So you did.”

“At first, I was too scared. But then I knew if I didn’t, something horrible was going to happen. So I went to his office. It was like he threw me a rope in the middle of a lake. I came up for air just when my lungs were about to burst.”

They sat in silence for a while. The horses whinnied at each other and their heads nodded as if they too were having a conversation, but one much more amiable.

Emma rubbed her woolen mittens on her cheeks, trying to warm them. The material scratched at her face, but she welcomed relief from the numbness that threatened to overcome her. “What did the doctor in Wichita say?”

“A lot!” Catherine’s face lit up for the first time that day. “I like her. She’s nice and she’s funny and she doesn’t see anything wrong with me feeling bad. She’s says I have a right to be upset. My parents died in front of me—”

“Nobody thinks you shouldn’t feel bad.” Sudden anger whipped through Emma. “We all feel bad. It was horrible for everyone.”

“But you’ve moved on and you don’t understand why I can’t! You think I should be able to say ‘mind over matter’ and be done with it. My faith in God should be enough. It’s enough for you.”

“That’s not true!” Emma contemplated setting the buggy in motion. She no longer wanted to have this conversation. Something held her back. The knowledge that she should try to convince her sister to turn from the path she’d chosen. Yet, a niggling, small voice in her head said
no. No
. Catherine had done what she needed to do to save herself. “I struggle with my faith, too. But without it, I’d be lost.”

“I’m not abandoning my faith. It’s stronger than ever. God will be with me on my new journey.” Catherine threw up her hands. “Can’t you see that? God is everywhere. And he is faithful, even when I’m weak.”

“I know. I’m selfish.” Emma couldn’t stop the tears from falling. The sun, a fiery red ball, began to dip behind the horizon. Soon it would be dark. “Family is everything.”

“Yes, it is.” Catherine wiped at her face again. “But sometimes it’s not enough.”

Fear raced through Emma. Not again. She couldn’t go through this again. Everyone kept leaving her. “Don’t go.”

“I have to go.”

Emma had just gotten Josiah back. Her family was complete—minus two very important people whom she could never get back. A sob wracked Emma. “Please don’t do this.”

“I spoke to the bishop—”

“You spoke to Bishop Kelp?” Emma couldn’t begin to imagine. “Without Luke knowing? All by yourself? When?”

“A few minutes ago. I couldn’t wait any longer. We met in his barn. He was…firm. He says I must go immediately. He will speak to Luke this evening. The bishop knows it’s what I want.”

“What else do you want?”

“I’ve decided to study psychology. I want to know why I suffer like this. I want to help other people who suffer from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.”

“You’d leave your family and everything you know for that?”

“What I’m doing will help other people. I feel called to help. This is the only way I can do it. If there were another way I would take it, but our community doesn’t allow that. I understand it and I accept it.”

Catherine wrapped the reins around her hands and laid them in her lap. “I know it’s impossible for you to understand.” Her voice dropped to a tearful whisper. “And I’m sorry it hurts you. I’m not like Carl. I’m not running away. I’m running toward something. A future that has meaning. Doctor Baker ran some tests. She says I’m smart and I feel things more deeply than most people. She’s says I’ll make a good psychologist.”

Running toward something. Exactly what Emma had told Carl to do. “How? How will you do this?”

“One day at a time.”

That was no answer. How would Catherine manage?

As if she’d peeked into Emma’s mind, Catherine went on. “Each time I was paid for cleaning, I set aside a portion and saved it. I needed to have something that was my own. I needed a plan, a plan that involved being able to leave. It was the only thing that kept me from falling apart completely. Can you understand that?”

Emma nodded. She couldn’t speak, not without sobbing. She swallowed and closed her eyes against the setting sun. When she thought her voice would hold steady, she spoke. “I understand, but I’m scared for you. The world out there is frightening.”

Her sister hopped down from her buggy and covered the small space between them. She enveloped Emma in a hug. “I’m scared, too.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t go.”

“I’m scared to go, but I’m more scared of staying.”

“We won’t be able to talk to you or see you ever again. Unless you change your mind.”

“I know.” Sadness etched lines on Catherine’s face. Her eyes stained red as she patted Emma’s shoulder. “I know, sweet Emma. I’ll miss you, but you need to do something for me. You need to run toward something, too. Whatever it is that matters to you, run toward it.”

Emma’s throat ached with the effort not to break down. “I promise,” she whispered.

They hugged again, Emma didn’t want to let go, but Catherine pushed away. “I have to go. Doctor Miller is waiting.”

“Now? You’re going now? On Christmas Day? What about your things?”

“It’s my present to myself. Doctor Miller is taking me to Wichita tomorrow morning.” Catherine pointed at the bag on the floorboard. “It’s not as if I have much that is my own, schweschder.”

A small bag of clothes. That was it. All she was taking with her. “Catherine—”

“Bye!”

Catherine whirled and mounted her buggy. She sat up straight, reins lifted, facing her future. Emma already felt left behind. “Catherine!”

“Send Josiah for the buggy,” Catherine called back. “It’ll be parked in front of Doctor Miller’s home on Willow Street.”

“I will. Good-bye!”

“Remember, Emma, run toward it.”

Emma sat in the middle of the road, watching the buggy until it disappeared from sight. Run toward it. She clucked and snapped the reins. Toward him. If Catherine had the courage, so did she.

H
er breath coming in white puffs that immediately disappeared, Emma slipped and slid along the path the Karbachs had shoveled from their house to the area behind the barn where the buggies parked after the prayer service. Thomas was no longer with the men who chatted around the picnic tables inside. Maybe he’d already left. Her heart clenched at the thought. Or maybe she could still catch him at his buggy.

Picking up her pace, she licked her chapped lips and wiped at her runny nose with the handkerchief she clutched in her gloved hands. What a time to catch a cold. Leah blamed it on Emma running around outside on Christmas Eve and then again on Christmas Day. It didn’t matter. She’d do it all again, if need be. The only drawback remained that she still couldn’t hold the sweet new babies, which meant more work for Annie and the twins.

The icy air burned Emma’s nose and made her lungs ache. Leah had suggested she stay home from the service, but Emma couldn’t do that. If she did, she had no idea when she would get the next opportunity to see Thomas. To speak to him. As it was, with the serving of the food and the washing of the dishes afterwards and Leah’s watchful gaze, Emma may have missed him. Since Catherine’s departure, it
seemed Luke and Leah both had been watching them all with eagle eyes. Determined eyes. Determined not to let it happen again.

Three days had passed since Luke announced at the kitchen table he’d heard that Carl had left again. He’d seen Solomon Freiling at the feed store. Something in Luke’s stern gaze suggested Solomon had shared a story about her Christmas Day visit to the Freiling barn. But Luke asked no questions and she offered no comment. Even Annie remained silent on the subject. Not something Annie did often. There was nothing to say. Simple as that.

Time to move forward. That meant convincing Thomas she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Emma glanced across the road to the neighboring field. The children were making an enormous snowman. They whooped and laughed and carried on the way only children could. Eli and Rebecca were in the thick if it. That meant Thomas hadn’t left yet. She hadn’t missed him.

God, please let me talk to him today
. She couldn’t bear the suspense. Would he understand? Would he pose that all-important question again? She had to know. No more waiting around. No more beating around the bush.

She slowed at the corner of the barn, knowing the buggies were parked just on the other side. Her stomach rocked. The moment had arrived. Hand on her heart, she peeked around the corner. There stood Thomas, hitching his horse.
Thank You, God
.

She started to step out. Her boots seemed frozen to the ground. What if he had moved on? Helen Crouch had served his plate, her face all smiles, just a few hours ago. What if he’d stricken Emma from his heart? What if he’d decided to court another? No, he’d said he would wait. Thomas was nothing if not a man of his word. She set one foot in front of the other.
Step. Step. Step
.

Thomas checked the bit in the horse’s mouth, then smoothed a gloved hand across her long, graceful neck. Emma shivered.

“It’s getting colder. Time to be getting on home, I reckon.” Thomas spoke to the horse, whose head dipped in acquiescence. The horse pranced and whinnied. Thomas tugged on the harness. “What’s the
big hurry? Wait until I call the children. You’ll be in a nice warm barn soon enough.”

Emma couldn’t help but smile. Thomas talked to the horses just the way Daed had done. She preferred conversations with the dog that lazed on their porch most summer evenings. Her fear melted. This was Thomas. The man with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. She took a deep breath of air so cold her teeth hurt and slipped out into the open.

Thomas tightened the harness. Time to go home. They’d lingered far longer than usual over the meal served after the last prayer service of the old year. He enjoyed the conversation with the other men about hunting and what the spring planting season would bring. Since they did no work on Sunday, there was no need to rush home. The children would be worn out, though, from the endless games they’d played in the snow. It looked like they were in the final stages of building an oversized snowman complete with someone’s Sunday hat. Patches—so named by Eli and Rebecca after much debate—snorted and pranced, making it difficult to finish the job. “Easy, there, stand still, girl.” He patted her rump. “We’re almost ready.”

“Talking to the horse?”

Startled, Thomas looked up to see Emma standing near the buggy. He surveyed the area. They were alone among the buggies. He forced himself to meet her gaze. “Yes, we were just discussing the weather.”

She patted her nose with a hankie and smiled. Her nose was bright red and her eyes sparkled in the cold air. “Sometimes animals make better conversation than people, I expect.”

“I’m sorry about Catherine.”

Emma’s smile faded. “She’s in God’s hands.”

“Indeed.”

“Did you hear Carl’s gone, too?”