To Mend a Broken Heart (14 page)

“Have you slept at all?” he asks as he stands.

“No. I got sucked into my book and the time just slipped away.”

“Been there, got several t-shirts.”

“So you don’t think I’m insane?”

“Of course not, I don’t think there are many things in life that are better than a book that takes over every sense you have.”

“I knew I liked you for a reason!” I chuckle sitting down at the counter.

“It’s not just my mocha making abilities?”

“No. Although, they are rather epic.”

“I seem to spend half my time thanking you for being there for me lately,” he sighs, “But thank you. It means more than you know that you stayed last night.”

“And I seem to spend more than half of my time telling you,” I step towards him and take his hand, “That you don’t need to say thank you. It’s what friends do.”

Chapter Twelve

The weeks seem to fly by and before I know it the leaves are turning to burnt orange and brown and I can't leave the house without a jacket. It's been six months since that awful day. Since I said goodbye to the one person I loved more than anything. It has also been two weeks since I’ve had a dream. Daniel and I have slipped into an easy friendship, some might say it’s been too easy, but I try not to worry about those people. Ginny doesn't call every morning any more, opting to call a few times a week instead and mainly in the evenings when I'm alone or with Daniel. Together, the four of us have built up an understanding and a friendship that seems to go from strength to strength. Ginny and Ryan have welcomed Daniel into their lives and include him in the day to day things as much as I do.

We have dinner with them at least once a week and it always feels like we've always done it. That the four of us have always been friends. There have been moments when I've looked over to see Ryan and Daniel with their heads together discussing something photography related and I've been flooded with memories of Richard and Ryan together. I have been so wrapped up in my own grief I've failed to see that Ryan lost something just as big the day Richard died. After talking it through with Ginny and Daniel I decide to ring work and arrange to go back, part time for now, I think I’m ready to get my life back to what it resembled before the accident.

“Hello Jane, it’s Katie.” I speak into the phone.

“Katie!” she says excitedly, “How are you sweetheart?”

“I’m doing well, better. I think… I think I’m ready to come back to work, at least part time, if that suits everyone?”

“Oh, that is the most fantastic news, Katie. We’ve all missed you.”

“I’ve missed you all too. So when would you like me in?”

Jane and I arrange for me to go into work the following week on a part time basis. I’ll still be able to volunteer at the hospital which is so important to me. After I get off the phone to Jane, the first person I call is Daniel. I don’t even think about it, I just dial his number and wait for him to pick up. When his deep voice comes down the line, my stomach does a little flip.

“Katie?”

“Hey, Daniel.”

“Are you okay?” I hear the sound of the coffee machine in the background.

“Yes, I just spoke to work, I’m going back next week part time, so I’ll still be able to volunteer with you.”

“That’s wonderful news, I phoned an old friend today too, he has some work for me.”

“Oh, Daniel, that is such great news.” I smile into the phone.

“It’s happening isn’t it?” he breathes down the line.

“What is?”

“We’re healing.”

“I think we are, yes.”

“It’s thanks to you, Katie.” he tells me.

“It’s down to you too, Daniel.”

“So let’s celebrate. Dinner?”

“Sounds wonderful, where?”

“At mine? I could really do with a little help finishing off the photo wall.”

“Deal. I’ll bring the wine.”

“And some chocolate?” he asks hopefully.

“And lots of chocolate.” I grin.

* * *

I stand back and admire the wall we’ve been putting together for a few weeks now. It looks perfect. I turn my head and look up at Daniel, his beautiful eyes are bright and happy. It is something that brings me so much joy. Seeing the sadness that was so evident in his eyes when I first met him fade slightly as the weeks have gone on, as our friendship blossomed, as we have become best friends, was so special to me.

“It looks breathtakingly beautiful, Daniel.”

“It really does,” his voice wobbles a little, “She would love it. She loved having her picture taken.” he tells me.

I can only imagine the combined joy and sadness he feels looking at all of these photos. Photos he has taken of Poppy. The constant reminder of his greatest love and achievement yet at the same time his greatest loss.

“She
does
love it.”

“Shall I get us some dinner?” he looks down at me and smiles.

“If I say I’m starving, will you think bad of me seeing as we demolished a whole packet of biscuits while finishing this.” I hold my hand out.

“Absolutely not, I’m starving too!”

“Yes, but you’re a giant, it must take a lot for you to be satisfied.”

“You’d be surprised.” he breathes as he turns and heads into the kitchen.

“So, I heard a song on the radio I thought you’d like.” I tell him, taking a seat on one of the kitchen stools.

“Yeah?” he turns his head and smiles at me. His full force smile, I was glad I was sitting down.

“George Ezra?”

He grins at me and walks over to his music station. He presses a few buttons and the song I heard begins to play. He walks back to me and cocks his head to the side looking at me holding one finger in the air in a
this one
kind of way.

“This is it!” I smile, nodding my head to the beat, “You already have it?”

“I have the album, yes.”

“You have good taste in music.”

“I’m not going to be all coy, I really do have good taste in music.” he grins.

“So modest too.” He laughs and walks to the fridge, pulling out the bottle of white wine I’d brought over.

“Wine?” he asks.

“I thought you’d never ask!” I sigh.

* * *

I wake up in the middle of the night in Daniel’s spare room, trembling from a dream, my body covered in a cold sweat. The kind that only comes from having a nightmare that seems real. I wrap the blanket that always sits on the bottom of the bed around my shoulders and open the bedroom door, padding quietly down the hall and stairs until I reach the bottom. I've stayed here enough times to know where the light switch is even though I can probably find my way to the room I seek easily enough in the dark.

 When I step into Daniel's reading room I switch on the lamp that sits in the window and settle into one of the padded chairs. I look out on the dark night and feel a sense of loneliness so strong it feels like it comes from within me. I wrap myself into a tight ball and pick up my kindle. Gone are the days I carried three or four paperbacks with me. Now I only bought paperbacks that are particularly special to me, all the others are stored on the device that is smaller, thinner and lighter than the books I read yet that contain hundreds. Technology really is rather amazing.

 I try to focus on my book, trying to lose myself in a world that isn’t so full of heartache and pain, but for the first time in a long time, it doesn't work. The dream lingers and I can't shift it. I keep reading though, not willing to let my nightmares win. They are just dreams, they are not real, even if what I am dreaming about had been real once. I've lived it, I've survived it and now I have to survive and live my life to the full.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I wake up to gentle arms around me carrying me back to the guest room. I snuggle instinctively into the hard body of heat and muscle, seeking its comfort. When Daniel places me onto the bed and turns to leave I pull him back. Needing to know I wasn't alone. He lays down with me and his warmth and regular breathing lull me back to sleep, his presence even though I'm asleep, keeping the dreams away. I don't wake until later that morning and when I do, Daniel is asleep next to me.

I turn on my side and watch him sleep. When Daniel is asleep it’s one of the few times in his whole day the pain and sadness he lives with isn’t so visible. He looks calm and warm and as though nothing was troubling him. During the day, even if there is a smile on his face, it doesn’t reach his eyes completely. As I watch him sleep, a wave of memories wash over me, I can remember so clearly watching Richard sleep the first time we shared a bed. I can remember the little sounds he would make while he slept, happy little sounds. The memory brings with it a flood of guilt and I get up and out of the bed, taking my clothes with me into the bathroom to get dressed.

I’m not sure I will ever lose this guilt. Guilt of finding some comfort in another man, even if he is just a friend. A friend who is helping me deal with everything I’ve had thrown at me the last few months. There is a part of me that questions myself, questions whether it is just friendship I feel for Daniel, but I push those thoughts back and refuse to listen to them. What does it matter? I’m not about to get into another relationship six months after losing my husband. It’s unthinkable, it’s disrespectful and it’s wrong, whatever Ginny tells me.

When I’m dressed, I brush my teeth and wash my face before heading back into the guest bedroom. Surprisingly, Daniel is still asleep. I guess he needs sleep too. With a heavy heart I sit down on the bed and try to wake him, when his long eyelashes flutter and his eyes open and focus on me he smiles and I smile. No one can be in Daniel's presence and not smile.

“Are you leaving?” he husks, his voice is thick with sleep.

“I have some things to do. Why don't you go back to sleep? I didn't want to leave without waking you first.”

“I've slept enough. I have stuff to do too. Do you want to tell me what caused you to sleep downstairs in the middle of the night?” his worried eyes look at me. They look so deep into mine I'm sure he can see the answer, feel what I feel without me having to tell him.

“The same thing that always wakes me up,” I shrug, “No surprises there.”

“Will you try and get some sleep later?”

“I will. I'll see you tomorrow at the hospital? It's party day.” I smile.

“My favourite day.” he smiles back.

I lean down and press a kiss to the top of his head. His hand reaches out as I pull back and he takes my hand in his. Squeezing it then bringing it to his lips and placing a soft kiss on my fingers.

“I'm always here for you.” he tells me.

“I'm always here for you too.”

Chapter Thirteen

Time seems to accelerate when I start back at work. Between work and volunteering, December rolls around at a ridiculous speed. Settling back into the work day routine takes a little bit of getting used to. The first couple I’m scheduled to help are two of the sweetest people in the world. They are so obviously in love with each other it makes my chest ache a little. I don’t burst into tears when they inform me their first dance will be
Truly Madly Deeply
which just happens to be the song Richard and I danced our first dance to. I manage to smile and show excitement when they tell me, they are going to Hawaii for their honeymoon. I’m the perfect coordinator. Until I get home that is, once the front door is closed, the tears come and they don’t stop until I call Ginny and Daniel. Ginny asks if I need her to come over, where as Daniel just gets in his car and arrives ten minutes later.

Before I’m even aware of it, the shops are playing Christmas music and cards are arriving. The first time I open one and see just my name neatly written right at the top, I lose it. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest, the realisation that this is my first Christmas without Richard suddenly becoming incredibly real. After I get myself together, I realise, as difficult as Christmas is going to be for me, it’s going to a thousand times worse for Daniel. Christmas can never, will never be the same for him. I know I can’t leave Daniel on his own, he is going to need someone to wake up with, he is going to need someone to spend the day with and if I can make it even a little easier for him, ease his pain a little, I’m going to try.

As Christmas day gets closer, I make what feels like a thousand different shopping trips trying to find the perfect present for Daniel. I drag him along with me and pay attention to everything he picks up or shows interest in hoping one of those things will be the perfect present. They aren’t. I’m in the shower when the idea comes to me and I rush out three days before Christmas Eve to get it. Happy that I have finally found the perfect present I sit with a glass of wine and wrap all my gifts while I keep half an eye on
Miracle on 34th Street
before I fall into bed exhausted from a full on week. Tomorrow I’m going dress shopping with Ginny and I need to be rested.

* * *

“What time will you come over Christmas eve, Kate?” Ginny asks, as she flicks through a rail of dresses.

“I wanted to talk to you about that. Ginny, I can’t come to you Christmas eve.”

“Why ever not?” she looks up shocked.

“Because, Ginny… Daniel. I can’t leave him alone on Christmas day, I will not let him wake up alone. It’s the first anniversary of Poppy. He needs me to be there. He hasn’t even asked, he won’t ask, he doesn’t need to.”

“Oh crap. Why haven’t you ever told me when she died? Christmas day?” her hand flies to her eyes and she wipes away the tears I see fill them.

“Because it isn’t mine to share.”

“Go, don’t come to us. Help that wonderful man.”

“Thank you, for understanding.”

“I don’t understand, I hope I will never understand his pain. But I think you do in a way.”

“I want to create something happier for him in a day that will be full of sadness.”

“Just you being there for him will bring him happiness, Katie, don’t you see that?” Ginny smiles at me, “He loves you.”

“We’re friends. Nothing more.” I shake my head not acknowledging her words.

“You and I both know that’s crap.”

I do know it’s crap. I can pretend to myself as much as I want that Daniel and I are just friends, but we all know we are more than that, or at the very least, Daniel would like to be. There have been so many times over the last month I thought he was going to tell me as much, but he hasn’t. Always the gentleman and my best friend first, he keeps his feelings to himself. I’m not sure how much longer that will go on for though.

“So I’ll come over Christmas eve for a few hours, then I’ll go over to Daniel’s. I’m seeing him later so I’ll talk to him about it.”

* * *

I park on Daniel’s drive and go and knock on the door, he answers wearing a blue jumper, the blue jumper that I love him in. I smile and he holds out his arms. I don’t hesitate to walk into them, it’s how we greet each other, it would be strange if we didn’t.

“How was shopping with Ginny?” he asks, squeezing me a little.

“Good. We discussed Christmas.”

We walk into his kitchen and he immediately starts up his big coffee machine. One thing about Daniel is, he loves coffee, and he loves good coffee. Always freshly ground beans. Never instant. He is the biggest coffee snob I know, even buying me a coffee machine so he ‘doesn’t have to suffer’ when he comes to mine - his words.

“What… what are you doing?” he asks as he fills the machine with more water.

“Ginny has invited me there.” I answer, sitting on a bar stool.

“That will be nice for you all.”

“I’m not going, Daniel.”

“You’re not?” he turns around and looks at me.

“No.”

“Then… Where are you going? Are you going to Richard’s parents?”

Honestly, the thought of going to Richard’s parents hasn’t even enter my head. We’ve never been close, never had a good relationship. I have only seen them once since he died and it was the most awkward weekend in history. The pain his mother felt was obvious and she made it clear she wished I was gone and he was still alive.

“No,” I shake my head, “I’m staying here.”

“You’ll be alone on Christmas day?” his eyes grow sad.

“No, you’re not understanding me,” I get up and walk over to where he is standing, “I’ll be
here
.”

“
Here
, here?” his eyes go wide and I smile.

“If you’d like me to be here, with you, then I’ll be here.” I tell him, reaching out to hold his shaking hand.

“
Katie
…” he closes his eyes, his hand shaking even more.

“I don’t want you to be alone, Daniel. My heart actually aches when I think of it. Please,
please
let me spend it with you.”

He pulls me into his arms, I can hear his heart racing, his whole body shakes and his breathing is heavy. Then I feel a tear drop on my hair.

“You won’t be alone if you don’t want to be. Daniel.” I whisper.

“I couldn’t bear to be alone, Katie. I was alone when it happened. I don’t want to be alone anymore.” he whispers, the agony clear in his voice.

“You’re not alone. I’m here with you.” I pull back and look up at him.

“You are.”

“And I will be Christmas morning too and Christmas eve if you want me.” I smile.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, seeming to be trying to steady himself. When he opens his eyes and looks right at me, my heart beat picks up. His eyes are heated. I know that look, I’ve seen that look in Richard’s eyes.

“I want you,” he sighs, “I want you here with me this Christmas,” he cups my face and smiles, “And every Christmas from now on.”

“Let’s just start with this year, okay?” I smile shyly.

He nods and steps away to make us both a coffee. Grinding the beans, steaming the milk, getting it just right. Daniel makes the best coffees and the most delicious mochas. When our drinks are ready he goes to the big cupboard in the corner and brings out a packet of biscuits. The most delicious buttery sultana cookies he knows I love.

“You didn’t buy these just for me, did you?” I grin as he opens the packet.

“Well,” he smiles, “I like them, but you love them, so kind of, but not really.”

“You’re babbling.” I grin, taking one from the packet and biting into it.

I groan and close my eyes. They are soooo good. I look back at Daniel and notice he looks a little pained. I have no idea why.

“You okay?” I ask, taking another bite.

“Yes.” he croaks, his voice a little husky.

“So… Christmas. You’ve ordered a turkey, right?”

“I did order a small one, yes.” he coughs, moving behind the counter a little more.

“Well there is only two of us, we only need a small one.”