To Mend a Broken Heart (16 page)

“You look a little lost over there.” I smile, putting one hand behind his neck and continuing to move to the music.

“Do I?” he doesn’t move.

“Yes. Can’t you dance?” I ask, cocking my head to the side.

“Do you want me to dance?”

“Well… Yes.”

He brings both his hands to my waist and moves us both to the song playing,
James Brown.
I am pleased to say, Daniel can dance. Memories flood my mind, Richard was an awful dancer and it was something I teased him about all the time. I shake my head and push those memories away.

“You can dance.”

“Apparently so, yes.” he smiles down at me.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. Better than okay actually, I’m having a really good time. Are you?”

“Yes. I’m having a good time too.”

We dance to another couple of songs, Ginny and Ryan dancing too. When
The Real Thing
comes on, Daniel pulls me into his arms. I am so relaxed and comfortable with him, I let him and I don’t even question it. He rests his head against mine as we dance and I can feel his heart beating against my chest. I look up and meet Ginny’s eyes, there is understanding there and something else too. I can’t work out what it is, but she smiles at me and nods encouragingly. I close my eyes and just block everything else out for a minute, needing to gather my thoughts. Everyone here knew Richard, they all know what happened. Am I being judged for dancing in the arms of another man so soon? For being happy? Even if Daniel and I are just friends?` It’s only then that the words of the song sink into my intoxicated head.

“Katie?”

“Daniel?”

“Are you okay? You’ve gone very tense?” his mouth is right by my ear and the feel of his hot breath on my neck makes me shiver.

“Yes,” I mumble, “I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound fine,
did I
.. Did I do something?”

“No, Daniel, you didn’t do anything wrong,” I pull back and look him in the eyes, “You never do.”

He smiles and moves us to the music again. When another song begins, we dance to that too. I look around us, couples everywhere are dancing. No one is paying us one bit of attention. No one is judging me, it’s all in my head. I’m overthinking everything again. When
Bruno Mars
comes on Ginny comes to steal me away from Daniel, we dance together and I let the music relax me again. When the countdown to midnight starts, Daniel and I stand close together holding hands. When Ryan announces it’s midnight, I don’t think about it, I reach up on my tiptoes and kiss Daniel, I hold his face in my hands and I kiss him. Pulling back only to whisper eleven little words to him.

“Happy new year, Daniel. This is going to be your year.”

“Our year. Happy new year, Katie.” he whispers against my lips.

A song comes on and I wrap my arms around Daniel and we sway to the music just like every other couple in the room and it doesn’t matter that Daniel and I aren’t a couple. All that matters is that we are two broken souls on the road to being healed, and right here and now, all I need is Daniel, his warm body pressed against mine, his beating heart and warm hands on my hips. Another song comes on and we stay holding each other, I close my eyes and rest my head on Daniel’s chest. As we move to the music, I talk to Richard in my head.

You might not be here, and I might be dancing with Daniel, but I still miss you every day. I still love you and I’ll never forget you. But Daniel is helping put me back together. He is such a wonderful man, you would like him. I wouldn’t be standing here today if I didn’t have him.
I hope wherever you are darling, you’re having a happy time.
I miss you.

The songs ends, and with it, so does the party. Everyone is tired and ready for the night to end. Daniel has been nursing the same glass of wine all night so he’ll be able to drive us home. We say goodbye to Ginny and Ryan and accept their invite to lunch later that day. The drive back to Daniel’s is quiet, I hold his hand the whole way back needing to feel his warmth. When we arrive back, I slip my shoes off and climb the stairs, going to remove my makeup and get ready for bed. When I’m changed into my pyjamas, I head to his bedroom to say goodnight only to find he isn’t there. I find him downstairs with a glass of amber liquid in his hands, sitting at the kitchen counter, his head bowed.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m not sure.” he raises his head and takes a sip of his drink.

“Was the party too much?”

“I think you were too much. Being so close to you…” he sighs and takes another long drink.

“I…” I don’t actually know what to say.

I just stand there, wringing my hands in front of me, looking around the kitchen, not sure what I’m expecting to find. He turns his head and looks at me, there is a haunted look in his eyes and I feel a pang of regret.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I’ll phone a taxi.”

“Don’t.” His hand reaches out and holds mine. He looks up into my eyes and I see a thousand emotions and feelings reflected back to me.

“I don’t want to make this difficult for you, Daniel.”

“I make it difficult for myself, Katie,” he sighs, “I’m sorry.”

“Do you want me to leave?” I whisper.

“No. I want you to stay.”

“Okay.”

I just stand there, my hand in Daniel’s, not knowing what I should do. I squeeze his hand then step back. His eyes snap to mine and I feel my knees go weak. There is such a look of desire and need in them it startles me.

“I’m going to go to bed. Thank you for a lovely night.” I all but whisper.

“Thank you too, Katie.”

“Goodnight then.” I whisper.

Daniel stands and pulls on my hand, bringing me closer to him. When I’m mere inches from him, he reaches for my face, stroking his fingers across my cheek lightly. I feel a shadow move over my face, I know what he’s about to do, but I don’t stop him. When I feel his lips on mine again, it takes all my willpower not to hold him to me, to lose myself to the kiss, to keep my mouth closed and not slip my tongue into his mouth. Daniel presses his lips harder to mine for a second before he pulls back.

“Happy new year, Katie.” he breathes over my face.

“Happy new year, Daniel.” I whisper before I turn around and disappear upstairs.

Chapter Fifteen

Things are changing between us. We are still friends, but there is definitely a feeling of something more there too and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m not sure I’m ready to be anything more than friends. After Christmas and New Year spent entirely together, there has been a shift. I welcome the company and the closeness and being with Daniel is easy, it was as easy as breathing. The feelings I have to try and work out however are not easy. I’m beginning to feel things for him I never thought I would feel for another man again and they scare me. A lot. When Daniel invited me over for dinner tonight, I didn’t think anything of it, we often have dinner together during the week, in fact, more often than not we have dinner together. I park on his drive, fetch my overnight bag from the boot and knock on his door. He opens it looking relaxed and warm in a big grey jumper.

“Okay?” he smiles, holding the door open.

“Brilliant, how are you?” I smile, slipping inside and removing my jacket.

“I’m really good too. Dinner is almost ready.”

We make our way to the kitchen the smell of pasta and creamy sauce filling the air. The table is already laid and Daniel has some soft music playing, a soft female and males voice. Daniel dishes up dinner and we sit together at the dining table.

“How was work?” I ask.

“Exciting actually, they want me to go to New York to take some photos.”

“
New York!”
I exclaim, “I’m soooooo jealous!”

“Come with me.” he smiles, filling up my wine glass.

“What?”

“Come with me, you said you’ve always wanted to go. So come with me. They asked if I would be taking anyone and I said yes, so it’s all paid for, you just need spending money.”

“Are you serious?” I ask excitedly.

“Completely. You’ll love the city, Katie.”

“It’s just that easy isn’t it?” I laugh, “I want to go, you’re going, it’s paid for.”

“Well… Yes.” he shrugs.

“I’ll talk to work about it tomorrow.” I smile excitedly at him.

“You have to live life to the full, Katie. We both know how short it is.” he takes my hand and squeezes it.

“I know.” I whisper squeezing it back.

We finish dinner in a comfortable silence, the music swirling around us. When we’ve finished, I help Daniel clear the plates before we settle in the lounge. I’m taken by surprise when Daniel says he needs to talk to me.

“Should I be worried?”

“That depends.” he sighs.

“Okay…” I watch him. He’s nervous about something, hesitant to say whats on his mind. He seems to find the courage he needs because he looks me straight in the eyes and speaks.

“I’m in love with you Katie.”

I think I jerk back a little, out of everything that could have come out of his mouth, I was not expecting it to be that. I have seen the feelings he has for me, I’ve been told by everyone that Daniel has more than friendship on his mind when it comes to us, but he has never actually said it.

“Daniel, I love you too, but not how you need me to,” I tell him honestly, “I love you like I love Ginny, I love you like a best friend. You’ve helped me heal and overcome the immense sadness I felt when I lost Richard. But I’m not ready to move on. I’m not sure I ever will be.”

He reaches over and brushes the tears I don’t realise are falling away with his thumb. When he rests his forehead to mine and takes a deep breath, I struggle to take one of my own.

“I love you, much,
much
more than a friend, Katie. You’ve allowed me to breath without hurting, you’ve shown me that life can and will go on without Poppy. You’ve given me my life back.”

“Daniel..”

“I love you because of all of that and I love you for so many more reasons. I love you because you’re kind and good and loving. I love you because, you gave up Christmas with Ginny to be with me so I wouldn’t be alone on the one day I desperately didn’t want to be. I love you because you're always here for me, whenever I need you. Whether it’s lunchtime or two in the morning and I’ve found one of Poppy’s little socks hiding under my bed.”

“
Please..
”

“I love you for all of those things and more. And I will always love you,” he presses a kiss to my forehead and takes another deep breath, “But I’m not naive or foolish enough to think that you feel the same for me. As much as my heart wants you to. I understand that, and that’s okay. Please don’t let it change our friendship, please don’t walk away. I cannot lose you.”

I sit there, with Daniel’s forehead resting on mine, trying to take deep breaths, to try and calm my racing heart. After a few minutes, Daniel pulls back to look at me.
“Stay here tonight.” he whispers.

“Danie—”

“You’ve stayed so many times, please. The spare room is ready for you. I’m not suggesting you stay in my room, but please, please don’t leave me alone after what I just told you,” he looks deep into my eyes before speaking again, “Please don’t leave, Katie.”

“Okay,” I whisper, “But Dani—”

“I know and it’s okay.”

I get up and go upstairs then while Daniel puts our coffee cups in the dishwasher. I get ready for bed, like I have so many times before. I brush my teeth, wash my face and slip into my pyjamas. When I hear Daniel’s feet on the stairs I take a deep breath and go to the door. I open it and look out, he is just about to go into his room when I call his name. He turns around and looks at me.

“Stay in there,” I gesture to the spare room, “With me, please.”

He doesn’t say anything, he walks back towards me and into the room I always stay in. He pulls the covers back on one side of the bed and takes the blanket off the end of the bed. He lays on top of the bed and covers himself with it exactly like we have done so many times before. I slip under the duvet and turn on my side to face him.

“I’m sorry, Daniel.” I reach out and rest my hand on his cheek.

“There is no reason to be. I had to tell you, Katie. It was killing me you not knowing.”

“I don’t know if in time,” I sigh, “It might change, Daniel.”

“Katie,” he places a finger over my lips and gives me a sad smile, “It’s okay.”

* * *

I leave for work the next morning without waking Daniel. I feel guilty as soon as the front door closes behind me, but I have to try and be normal for work today, and in order for that to happen, I couldn’t see Daniel. I make it all the way to work before I get a message from him.

Daniel:
Katie, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I wish you had woken me before you left. Will you meet me this afternoon? Please? Daniel x

Me:
I’m sorry I didn’t wake you, but I needed a clear head for work and speaking to you would mean I didn’t have one. I’m free after 3, any good? x

Daniel:
Yes. I’ll see you at Starbucks, the usual one at 3.30. Daniel x

What am I going to say when I see him? All day I keep running over things to say to him when I see him, but nothing seems to work. I told him I love him like a friend but do I? Or am I in denial? I try to work out what I feel for Daniel and all I have managed to come up with is that I care for him. I am pathetic. I find a parking space outside of
Starbucks
and take a few steadying breaths. When I walk in, I spot him straight away. He is impossible to miss, dressed in jeans, a dark blue jumper over a white shirt and a jacket in a lighter blue over the top of that he is absolutely striking in blue and my heart rates picks up a little. I wasn’t ready to try and work out why right now. I walk closer to him, he is reading something on his phone.

“Hey you.” I say as I step up to where he is sitting.

“Katie.” he stands and comes towards me.

“Daniel, I don’t…”

He takes one more step towards me and places one finger over my lips. He sinks down to meet my eyes, just like he did the first day I met him.

“Katie, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, telling you what you make me feel. That was never my intention. I just wanted you to know. I don’t want this to be awkward, I don’t want to lose your friendship.”

“I don’t either. And it wasn’t anything you did wrong. Everything you told me, it was so lovely.” I whisper.

“It was all true. I’m not going to say it again, but I—” I stop him.

“I know. These past seven months… Sometimes I think I only got through it because I have you.” I smile at him.

“I know I’m only standing here because I have you.” he tells me.

* * *

I spend my shift at the hospital in outpatients again. I’m sitting chatting with the parents of a little boy when Daniel walks in. Every single females eyes follow him as he walks through the door. they follow him like he is the most delicious thing they have ever seen. Jealousy flows through my veins at the looks they give him. He isn’t mine, I have no right to feel like this.
But he wants to be yours, Katie,
the little voice in the back of my head tells me, the voice that always sounds like Ginny. He spots me and comes over, taking a seat next to me.

“We’re needed on the ward.” he tells me smiling.

“Okay,” I nod, “Angie, I’m going to have to go, I’ll try and pop back later. Zack, be good for your Mummy.”

We both stand and make our way out of the door, the ward is heaving when we get there. We help out where we can and don’t sit down the entire time. When it gets to the end of our shift, we collect our things and head out to our cars. When we reach mine I lean against it and roll my neck.

“That was crazy.” I groan.

“It was a little.” Daniel agrees.

“My neck is so sore, I’m going home for a hot bath and a big glass of wine.”

I feel his fingers on my neck and a shiver runs up my spine. I both want them there and I don’t. The ridiculous thing is, if this had been a couple of days ago, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it but now knowing how Daniel feels about me, it changes things.

“I’m going to go.” I unlock my car and open the door.

“Katie, can I take you out next week?” Daniel asks.

“Out?”

“Yes, like two friends going out. I have tickets for something I think you’ll enjoy.” I nod my head then find my voice.

“I’d love to.”

“I’m not going to be around this weekend. I’ve been asked to go and photograph a couple of beaches in Cornwall. I’ll pick you up on Tuesday at six?”

“Okay. Have a lovely weekend, Daniel. I’ll look forward to seeing the photos.”

“You know my number if you need me.” he leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead.

“And you know mine. Be safe, Mr Lambert.”

I drive home and do exactly what I said I would. I run a hot bath and pour myself a huge glass of wine. The heat from the water helps my aching neck almost instantly. Needing to speak to Ginny about everything that has happened, I reach for my phone and dial her number. She picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hey girly.”

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just getting a foot rub, so if you hear sex noises I promise you, we’re not going at it while I talk to you on the phone!”

“Can you talk?” I ask her.

“Yes. You okay?”

“Yes…No…Yes… I think so.”

“What happened?”

“Daniel… he told me.. he loves me.”

“And?”

“
And?
” I ask a little shocked it’s all she has to say.

“Katie, I love you, but you’re so blind sometimes. This can’t come as news to you.”

“Well it does, it did.” I huff taking a huge mouthful of wine.

“Open your eyes, Kate. He has been in love with you for a long time.”

“You’re supposed to be help me!” I growl into the phone.

“I am. I’m telling you to stop overtaking it and admit you love him too.”

“I love him like I love you, Ginny.”

“Well, thank you, I never knew you thought of me like that, Kate.” she laughs.

“Stop laughing!”

“Katie, you do not love Daniel the same way, you don’t love Ryan the same way either.”

“Why did I phone you again?” I grumble.

“Because you know I’ll tell you the truth.”

“Big mistake,” I roll my eyes, “He’s taking me out on Tuesday.”

“Ooooh! Your first date?” she teases.

“I’m hanging up now.”

“Enjoy your date!” she laughs down the line.