To Protect & Serve (36 page)

“That was for the best? Dustin dying?”

“From my little perspective it doesn’t always feel that way, but I don’t see the bigger picture either. I have to trust that in the bigger picture it makes sense—that it was for the best.”

“He was lucky to have you.”

“We were lucky to have each other.” A soft peace slid into Eve’s eyes. “Think about that, Lisa. You may not have tomorrow. Do you really want to spend the time you do have pushing Jeff away?”

In the middle of her heart, Lisa knew Eve was right. If he died tomorrow, what would she have gained by not being with him today? Would it make the cut of his loss hurt any less? When Eve smiled and said it was time for her to get some sleep, Lisa nodded, thanked her, and then curled under the blankets on the couch. No, she decided as the questions ran through her again. If he died tomorrow, she would regret every single second she had spent keeping them apart. Every single one.

As a peace offering and to say, “I’m sorry for not being here for you like I promised,” Jeff stopped off at a flower shop on the way to Eve’s Sunday morning. She wasn’t expecting him until noon, but the night at the station—minus his brain—had been quiet. He had gotten enough sleep. What he needed now was to talk to someone who could make his heart believe he was doing the right thing by staying away. It didn’t feel like the right thing, no matter how many times he’d tried to explain to himself that it was what she wanted.

At the apartment he grabbed the yellow rose from the seat, ran his fingers through his hair, and took a breath. Seeing Eve, understanding the pain he was keeping Lisa from would be exactly what he needed, that would be enough to make his decision solid. Of that and only that he was sure. On the doorstep, he checked his watch as he reached over and rang the doorbell. 7:38. He dug a hand into the denim and brown suede jacket pocket and waited. No answer. Again he reached over and hit the doorbell, listening this time to be sure it had rung on the other side.

“I’ll get it!” he heard the voice in the second before the door swung open. Wrinkled T-shirt, faded jeans, sleep still hanging around her, Lisa stood there, and his breath snagged.

For a six whole seconds all he did was stare. “Lisa? Wh…?”

Her eyes widened in total shock. “Jeff. What’re you doing here?” Slowly her gaze slid down from his eyes to his shoulders to the rose in his hand.

Awkwardness dropped over him. He tried to smile, but it fell halfway to his face. “Umm, I didn’t know you were…” He looked past her into the apartment. “Is Eve here?”

At that moment Eve strode out, hair up in a white towel, white bathrobe, and pink slippers. “Who is it, Lis?”

“Umm,” Lisa said as though she couldn’t quite decide if it really was who she thought it was.

“It’s me,” Jeff said carefully stepping into the room as scenarios of how and why Lisa was standing on that doorstep raced through him. “Umm, I thought if I came early…” One thumb ran down the length of his nose. He glanced at Lisa, a move which took his heart to his shoes. “I didn’t know you were going to have company.”

Eve laughed. “I didn’t either.” She turned and went into the little kitchen. “I only got enough donuts for me. I didn’t know I was going to have a party.” She threw the little box onto the table. “But you’re welcome to them. There’s milk in the frig. I’m just going to go get ready.” Wit
h that she turned the corner to the stairs and disappeared up them.

“Oh, man, I’m sorry,” Jeff said, breathing the words more than saying them. “If I would’ve known you were…”

“No, no.” Lisa shook her head quickly. “It’s me. I didn’t tell Eve I was coming. I just showed up.”

He wished there were sensible words to ask her why.

“Nice flower,” she finally said, nodding at it.

When he looked down, he hardly saw it. “Oh, yeah. I brought it for Eve. I thought she… probably hasn’t had some in… awhile.” He was having trouble breathing and swallowing and thinking.

Lisa nodded. “I can put it in some water for her—if you want.”

Slowly the rose came up, and he handed the stem over to her. He watched her take it, and he followed her past the little table
into the kitchen. There he leaned on the counter and put his hands in his pockets. “So, you’ve been here all night?”

“Since about one,” Lisa said, and concern traced through him. Watching her was like watching his soul and yet not being able to touch it. She was busy getting a vase and filling it with water. “Eve didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“Yeah.” He scratched the side of his ear. “Well, I wasn’t supposed to be here until noon, but she mentioned church, and… well, we had a good night at the station, so I thought… maybe it would be a good idea to just come on over.” How good of an idea that was, he couldn’t really tell at the moment.

“Perfect,” Lisa said, turning with the rose positioned flawlessly in the little vase. She set
it on the table and sat down. Pulling her foot into the chair with her, she looked up at him.

Absolutely, his brain said, looking at her. “So, were you planning to stay all day?”

“I don’t know. I hadn’t really planned anything,” Lisa said. The waves of her hair drifted down around her face. “You?”

“For awhile. I was going to take Eve out to eat or something, spend some time with her.”

Lisa nodded, then reached over and popped the donut box open. “Want one?”

He shook his head. At the moment his stomach was in too many knots to eat. “I’m not really hungry.”

Silence descended between them as Lisa set the box back down. She didn’t bother to take a donut either.

“So, how’s work?” he finally asked, fumbling for something to talk about.

“Good,” she said softly. “Thanks to you.” Her gaze swung over to him as she shook her head. “I still don’t know how you did it.”

“Did what?”

“Got my employees to be competent for a change.”

His face fell in confusion. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Yes, you did. When it’s me, they couldn’t put one foot in front of the other without falling over themselves. With you, they’re like… brilliant. I don’t know how you do that.”

“I trust them,” he said gently.

She seemed to coil back at that statement. “I trust them.”

“No,” he said carefully. “You expect them to make a mess of things and so they do. Besides they know it’ll never be good enough for you, so they don’t bother to do it right.”

“But that’s their job.”

“It’s not about the job. It’s about trusting someone else to handle something.”

Her gaze dropped to the table. “Trusting isn’t really my strong suit.”

“Doesn’t mean that has to be true forever. Take Sherie, she came up with that database in about five minutes. Would you have let her do that for you, or would you have done it yourself figuring she couldn’t do it right?”

There was no answer.

“See, Lisa, it’s not a question of letting them do it poorly. It’s a question of trusting them enough to make them want to do it right. Right now, you’ve set it up so they don’t own their work. You do. It all comes back to you because if they screw up, they know you’ll fix it.”

“But it’s my company.”

“And you have every right to run it the way you want. But as long as you run yourself into the ground fixing their mistakes, they’re going to let you.”

Lisa thought about that a long minute. “Well, how do I not make everything mine?”

“Little steps,” Jeff said. “The first time I walked on duty, do you think they put me in charge of a call? No way. They gave me one job to do. I did that job. I learned that job, and when they knew I could do that, then they started shifting me around to the other jobs. I’m not ready yet, but one day I want to be the one running a call. It’s not all or nothing. There can be steps along the way.”

Steps along the way. Three forward, four backward. That’s what it felt like with them, but at least this was better than avoiding each other at all costs.

“Don’t tell me you don’t like donuts,” Eve said, turning the corner from the stairs, and Jeff’s gaze snapped
up to her. Fully dressed, hair done, and heels on, she looked the epitome of the fashion industry he knew she so loved.  Dustin would’ve been in awe as always, and Jeff smiled at that thought.

Jeff straightened with the knowing look Eve gave them. “What time did you say church was?” 

“Nine.” Eve pulled a sugary pastry out and took a bite. “Well, if you’re not going to eat them…”

Slowly Lisa stood, and Jeff wasn’t sure that he liked the sadness in the hunch of her shoulders. “I’d better get going.”

He nearly moved to stop her, but at the last possible second he held the protest back.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Eve said, nearly choking on the donut piece in her mouth. “You could go with us.”

However, Lisa shook her head. “I’ve got some work I’ve got to get done.”

“On Sunday?” Eve asked
in horror.

“Yeah,” Lisa said, and Jeff’s heart fell at the thought that they wouldn’t get to spend the day together. Lisa went into the living room and gathered her things. “Thanks for everything, Eve.”

“Sure, girl.” Leaving the donut on the table, Eve went to Lisa, and put an arm over her shoulder. “Anytime.” Eve’s gaze lowered. “Think about what I said. Okay?”

In slow inches Lisa nodded and then backed away. The fight to keep the tears and emotion at bay was obvious. So was her intention to get as far away from him as fast as she could. “I’ll see you later.”

“Drive carefully,” Jeff called after her as she stepped out the door. His heart splintered the words across the pain in the final look she gave him.

Who could focus on anything?
Lisa asked as she drove back through the streets now kissed by the golden sun of autumn. Driving, breathing, living. It all felt so hard. Everything had felt so incredibly hard since… that phone call. Yes, that phone call had changed everything for her, yet what had it really changed between them? The illusion that she was in control? Her fingers gripped the wheel, white-knuckled. Facing that realization pulled her ego to its knees.

Yet it was true. Until that moment she had believed she had the power to guide where she was going in life. Since that moment she had been rudderless—adrift in an angry sea that was bent on pulling her down into its depths. “But I don’t know how to let go,” she pleaded. “I don’t know how, God.”

However, God was apparently busy because there was no answer. In frustration she reached down and flipped on the radio.

“He doesn’t call you to understand everything in every moment,” the preacher on the radio said with that same lilt that all preachers on Sunday have. Frustrated, Lisa reached for the button. “When Peter stepped out of that boat, do you really think Christ required that he understand how it was happening—how he was able to walk on water?” Lisa’s hand slipped back to the steering wheel as her heart tripped over the words. “No, all Christ said was, ‘Come.’ All Peter heard was, ‘Come.’ And he did. As long as Peter kept his eyes forward—on the God who loved Him infinitely and would never allow the winds and the waves of doubt to overcome him—as long as Peter did that, those waves had no power over him.

“It was
only
when Peter stopped looking at our Lord. It was
only
when he looked down at the waves and only when he saw the wind. It was only when he stopped trusting Christ and started trusting his own understanding and his own power that he began to sink. And he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Of course, you know the story. Jesus stretched out his hand. He took hold of Peter, and what did He say? ‘Oh, ye of little faith, why did you doubt?’

“That’s where the story stops, and we chide Peter, ‘Why did you doubt? Christ was right there. He would’ve kept you above the waves if you would’ve just…’ Just what? Not tried to handle the situation on your own? But don’t we all do that? Don’t we all look around and freak out because the wind and the waves are too much for us to handle alone? Of course they are. But they have no power if we keep our eyes on the Christ standing before us, and in every moment Christ is always before us. He is already there—where you fear to go. He is already there, and He has made it safe for you to pass.

“But instead of looking at Him, instead of trusting Him, we look around and we see the wind and the waves pulling at us. They throw us off balance and threaten to drown us. It’s when we think we have to handle all those things on our own that we begin to sink in doubt and fear, and we cry out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Just like Peter did. But the truth is the same for you as it was for Peter. All you have to do is keep your eyes on the Christ before you, the Christ—who loves you infinitely and would never allow the winds and the waves of doubt overcome you. When you do that, the waves, the winds—they have no power so long as you keep your eyes on Him and His plan for your life. So, then the question is, when He says, ‘Come,’ what is your response?

“Do you instantly look at the wind and waves and say
, ‘No way, how can I, are You crazy? ’ Or do you step out of that boat and walk toward Him with confidence, knowing He will take care of everything else?”