To the Sea (Follow your Bliss) (19 page)

Kira
lugged things up from the basement. She scoured the shelves, arranging
knickknacks, and engagement and bridal shower gifts on folding tables. She
wanted it all gone. By the time the sun rose in the sky, more than half the
house was empty. She’d stickered and tagged dishware, linens, gifts from the
wedding, and more.

Sinking
into a lawn chair, Kira watched old ladies and hip couples pick through her
memories. All that stuff represented pain and loss, burying her beneath its
weight. By the late afternoon, nearly everything had sold. A young kid asked
Kira about some tennis rackets and neon green balls.

“You
can have them, all yours,” she said dismissively.

“Alright,”
he cheered. He called to his brother, running down the sidewalk, “Scored a new
racket. First day of summer tomorrow. I’m gonna cream you!”

Kira
gave the rest away, not wanting to bring anything back inside, including
herself. She straightened the crumbled bills, planning to offer it to the local
animal shelter, thinking back to Woody and the wild dogs in Africa.

Kira
cleaned up the yard, the little boy’s words about it being summer the next day
reminded her the following day was her birthday.

 Without
giving herself a chance to change her mind, Kira grabbed a bathing suit and
towel, a blanket, some clothes, and a toothbrush, along with food and water.

She
drove to the shore and kept checking to make sure she wasn’t going crazy. She
knew a lack of sleep could do that. What she had in mind, to be sure, was a
wacky plan, not even a plan according to her usual standards. And nothing about
it spelled Kira. However, it was all she had. She couldn’t bear to spend
another sleepless night in the house on Lilac Court.

Chapter Twenty-Four

When
Kira arrived at the ocean that evening, the rising moon reflected off the peaceful
water like a mirror. She walked to the edge of the shore and waded in.

The
salty air, the lapping around her ankles, the soothing breath of the waves in
and out brought her back to herself. Kira felt the lightness from Africa return
and the energy of new life when she met her niece, Viva. She looked up at the
stars, beckoning them to guide her forward.

“Happy
birthday,” she said. Her breath deepened, and she rubbed her eyes. She walked
back to the Mercedes, and grabbed a pillow and blanket, then spread it out on
the sand. She lay down, and the next thing she knew, the dawning sun warmed her
skin.

Refreshed,
Kira looked to the wall for Ian, hoping they could restore their easy
friendship. Just the gull perched on its spindly orange legs with feathers ruffling
backwards in the light breeze. The gull gave Kira a quick sideways look and
then flew away.

She
walked over to the Boardroom. The owner, Andy, typed on the laptop behind the
counter.

“Hi,
I’d like to buy a board,” Kira said interrupting him.

“Sure,
what are you looking for?” Kira went on to describe her ability and interests,
and Andy matched her up with a few choices. She looked over her shoulder every
few minutes hoping to see either Ian or even Jamie. She wanted to see someone
who knew her, someone who believed in her, because after all those weeks since
she’d returned from Africa she hardly knew herself, until she’d arrived at the
beach the night before. Then she knew exactly who she was, and seeing one of
them would confirm that she could be sure of herself again.

When
Kira selected an aquamarine board and went to pay, she spotted Vanessa getting
out of her Honda Supra. Kira looked for Ian, but another girl, with wavy brown
hair and wearing a half-shirt, accompanied Vanessa. They glanced in Kira’s
direction when they entered. Vanessa whispered something to her friend as they
walked toward the cafe. Kira grimaced, but Andy grabbed her attention.

“Great
idea, getting a new board on the first day of summer,” he said after she signed
the receipt.

“Best
idea I could come up with. Birthday present.” Kira was about to inquire if Ian
or Jamie were around, but another customer asked for help renting a
paddleboard.

Kira
toted her new board out to the water, and put on her wetsuit, still needing the
extra layer in the Atlantic. Paddling out, there weren’t too many people in the
lineup. It was, by her estimation, the perfect day. The air was warm, the sky
blue, and the waves were glassy. She surfed until her arms turned to noodles.

Later,
Kira lay in the sand letting the sunshine burn through to her heart, letting it
shine light where it felt shadowy, so she could bring herself to get back up
and go on with the next day.

Surfing
on the weekend, along with some early mornings she snuck in before work, acted like
an elixir, renewing her for the days ahead and the nights spent crying herself
to sleep in the oppressive house, the sadness there, unescapable.

***

The
weekend of the fourth-of-July arrived carrying Kira to Nicole and Nate’s party
in Manhattan. They hosted on the roof of their apartment with a catered
barbecue including all the fixings. The sparkly decorations, red, white, and
blue lights, triangular flags blowing in the soft breeze, and a tastefully
coordinated patriotic theme lended a festive, but discrete atmosphere for the
real purpose of the party.

Conspicuously,
Nicole remained in a chair throughout the meal saying she’d hurt her back
moving the tables up to the roof. After they finished at the barbeque buffet,
Nate appeared with a large cake topped with sizzling sparklers. He held it in
front of Nicole as she announced, “We invited all of you here tonight to
celebrate freedom and independence, spend time with friends and family, but
also to share our good news.” Nicole looked to Nate.

“We’re
having a baby,” they said together. Everyone erupted into cheers and Nicole
absolutely glowed. Kira heard several,
I knew it-s,
and
that’s why
she has that look about her.
The congratulations faded as fireworks
appeared in the nearby sky, showering everyone with light and hope.

Kira
spent the night at Nicole’s anticipating some girl time with her the morning
after the party. They had mere minutes together in the bathroom because Nate’s
parents and sister also stayed in the tiny apartment, and understandably
occupying much of Nicole’s attention with their excitement at the new addition
to their family.

“Are
you okay?” Nicole asked. Kira shrugged her shoulders. “You seemed in a better
place when you returned from your trip.”

“I
think I was. I don’t know. It’s like Jeremy’s haunting my house.”

“Maybe
he is.”

Kira
looked at her friend with alarm.

“I
don’t mean actually. I mean haunting it in a way. You’re intuitive Kira, if you
have even the slightest feeling that some tie to him remains in that space,
then I’m sure it does.

“It’s
like I can’t get away from him, it’s keeping me up at night.” Kira looked in
the vanity mirror. “There’s only one way I’d get bags this big,” she said,
pointing.

Nicole
pulled Kira into a hug. Kira felt Nicole’s protruding belly against her own;
life goes on.

“Do
you want to stay here a while? Visit the city? After I get home from work we
could see a show, eat at some great spots Nate and I’ve found, there’s an
Italian place I know you’d adore—”

“I’d
love to, maybe a long weekend next month, but there’s work and—” But there was
no and—and they both knew it.

“The
offer stands,” she said.

“Oh,
and if you ever want to sell your place in Newton and move here, we’d love
having a neighbor. Auntie Kira.”

“I’ll
consider it,” Kira said. She felt stuck, somehow glued to the past, unable to
move forward, and certain New York City was not for her—not with her newfound
love affair with the ocean.

Kira
drove straight back to Lilac Court, but before she allowed the heaviness of the
house dampen her mood, she grabbed her board, wetsuit and gear, and kept on
driving.

She’d
only ever surfed at her spot in the morning, and when she got to the beach,
people with blankets, coolers, and beach chairs dotted the coastline, a much
different scene than the quiet and introspective mornings she usually spent
there. Kids played, umbrellas were rooted in the sand, and body boarders slid
on their bellies in the white water toward the shore. A sizeable number of
beginners took surf lessons too, but Ian was not among the instructors. 

Kira
toted her new board to the sand and watched the waves for a little while before
jumping in. She caught some great rides, and even tried walking forward a
couple steps on the board, to bring her toes to the nose. She wiped out a
bunch, but had fun on her own, independent, like the holiday she’d just
celebrated.

The
following workweek dragged Kira along with it. Each night she felt as though
she was drowning and by morning, she surfaced to do it all over again.

On
Friday, Alice asked her out for a drink, having recently broken it off with the
latest guy she dated.

“I’m
not going to lie, you seem like you might be,” Alice paused, carefully choosing
her words, “depressed. And it’s no wonder, after the last few months, but—”

“When
I surf, I’m fine. I can stand on my own two feet, when I’m at work, I feel like
a robot, marching along to the rhythm of footsteps that no longer belonged to
me. And when I’m at home I can barely hold myself upright,” Kira said
confessing.

“So
it’s not twenty-four-seven. There are times you feel okay?”

“Yes.”

“Then
do more of that.”

Kira
gave Alice a withering look.

“I
know. You want to feel good all the time. Life isn’t always like that. But I
understand what you mean. Have you thought about seeing someone?”

Kira
thought about Jamie and then Ian.

“A
therapist or a life coach?”

Kira’s
eyes grew wide at her mistake and then she shook her head.

“It’s
something to consider.”

Kira
shifted the conversation to Alice’s dating life. Although she was eager to get
back in the waves Saturday morning, she stayed out as late as possible only to
postpone the confining walls at Lilac Court.

In
the wee hours of the morning, the familiar sleeplessness, kept Kira from
resting so she checked out the wave report and then clicked over to the
Boardroom homepage. Shortly after, she left for the beach, just before sunrise.

When
Kira pulled into the lot, she sat in the Mercedes watching the rolling waves,
recalling the quiet mornings spent with Ian on the wall just in front of her,
wondering if he’d moved away or took up surfing elsewhere. Maybe he laid tucked
in bed with Vanessa, she thought darkly.

As
the sun spread like molten liquid across the horizon, a knock on the passenger
side window startled her. Ian stood there, wearing his wetsuit, smiling, his
eyes rekindled with their old warmth.

Kira
got out.

“Hey,”
Ian said.

“Hi,”
Kira said softly stepping toward him.

“So,
where were we?” he asked.

Kira
thought about their last encounter, Vanessa, the gulf that formed between them,
and the sadness he tried to hide.

Without
answering, she put her arm in his, knowing that in his smile and her simple
gesture, they mended the fissure in their friendship.

“We’re
okay,” she said returning his smile.

They
walked down the beach, arm in arm, and then settled on the sand, close to the
shore, watching the waves, letting the ocean do the talking. 

Being
with Ian again was like joy, light, and ease that burned away the blemish of
the last months. He wore his feelings plainly in his expression, with his kind
eyes and quick smile, looking pleased to see her.

Welcoming
him into her life at that precise moment was the kind of perfection she could
never have planned. Before her life resembled an attic packed tightly with
hidden meanings and feelings. Who she was, her authentic-self, lay hidden under
years of storing those things away, albeit in tidily labeled boxes, concealing
them even from her own sight.

In
that quick instant, she
unpacked
; inside she saw beauty, goodness,
worthiness, strength, and courage. Ian allowed her to unfurl; his very presence
challenged her to be true.

“So
you’re back. How was your trip?” he asked genuinely interested.

“To
tell you the truth—” Kira started to say. She resolved only to tell the truth
no matter how wonderful or difficult. “It was amazing
and
awful.” She
sighed.

“Surfer
to surfer?” Ian cocked an eyebrow inviting her to talk about it.

Kira
smiled. He was so purely honest, so Ian.

“That
thing with Jamie was just a fling.”

“Really?”
He brightened.

“Really,”
she said with certainty.

“It
stung a little seeing you with him,” he said, clearing his throat. “Actually, a
lot.”

“Why’s
that?” Kira asked playfully.

“Because
you’re better than a fling.”

Flattered
and flattened by that admission, this time, Kira raised her eyebrows.

“But
you’re not?” she asked referring to Vanessa. “Why the double standard?”

He
grimaced, and then his expression turned serious. “After I saw the two of you
together I just needed to cool off. Meeting you heated me up, inside. You made
my heart beat faster. You filled my thoughts. Then I saw you at the Boardroom
together and at his place. I felt like I was going to combust. And maybe I
figured something mindless, pointless, and meaningless would dampen the place
where it felt the flame of missing you would burn me alive.”

Kira’s
breath came in hurried bursts. She wasn’t expecting to hear those words.
Honesty indeed.

He
went on, “I knew when we first met, for you, it wasn’t the right time. I could
tell something big had happened, and you were in deep dealing with it. Then you
went off with Jamie, and I thought I’d been a fool. But thinking about you
every day, your smile, your courage, then seeing you out on the waves the other
day on your own—you caught some good ones—and your car parked here this
morning, I felt drawn to you like the tide. Seeing you here again right now, I
realize you’re just you. No pretense, nothing fake or assuming. Funny how
seeing you with Jamie tricked me into thinking there wasn’t something
incredibly special about you. I’m only sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.” They
looked at each other then, openly, unhindered by discomfort, trepidation, and
bridged they the gap since the last time they’d been together.