Together We Heal (12 page)

Since she was half-asleep, I didn’t bother to go to the bathroom to change my clothes.

“If you want, you don’t have to wear your shirt,” she mumbled sleepily as I was pulling one over my head. I’d only started wearing them since she’d started staying over. They kind of drove me crazy, but it was a small annoyance.

“Huh?” I asked.

“You can take your shirt off.” She rolled onto her back and cracked one eye open.

“Oh, okay,” I said and pulled the shirt back over my eyes. Now both her eyes were open and she was definitely giving me the once-over. If that wasn’t a turn-on, I didn’t know what was.

Before I got in, she turned back on her side and I got under the blankets with her. Soon it would be stifling in the dorms and we wouldn’t need blankets, but we weren’t quite there yet.

Putting my arm around her like I usually did, I enjoyed the feel of her directly against my skin. I sighed and sank into the feeling.

We still hadn’t talked about love. It was going to take time, but it was hard to be with her all the time and not let those words come out of my mouth. Most of the time I didn’t even think about them, they were so natural, but I held back. It would kill me if she felt bad about herself for not reciprocating. That would just be awful.

SHE ACTUALLY PUSHED
my boxers down the next morning. I still had the blanket over me, but if she only pulled it back, she’d see all of me. I didn’t know if I wanted that to happen or not. Then she’d see everything and I’d get paranoid that she didn’t like the way I looked. Guys could be just as self-conscious as girls.

I came on my stomach since I was free of the constraints of the boxers.

She laughed a little.

“What’s so funny?” I said, still caught in the glow of awesome.

“I don’t know. I just feel kind of dirty right now. Not dirty bad. Dirty good.” I looked up at her face and she held her hand up. It had just a little bit of cum on it and I got almost instantly hard again.

“Sorry for the mess?” I said.

“Don’t be.” She still had this sexy smile on her face. Well fuck me.

“Are you flirting with me, Trish Grant?” I asked.

“Maybe a little bit,” she said with a wink.

I DIDN’T KNOW
what came over me. I was
not
the flirting type. Like, at all. Lottie and Katie and Audrey could all laugh and flip their hair and be all cute and shit, but I just never discovered how to do that without feeling like an asshole.

But Max was Max and he made me feel beautiful. It was almost easy with him.

I’d been thinking about his offer all week. To touch me the way I touched him. In theory, it sounded awesome. I mean, it would be a hell of a lot better than trying to do it myself. I’d decide that I was definitely going to tell him to go for it, and then the doubts crept in.

What if it didn’t feel good? What if I felt nothing? What if it brought back everything and then I associated Max with that and ruined our entire relationship? I couldn’t take that risk.

I really didn’t know what to do and I had to talk to someone about it. Stryker had too much shit going on with the wedding and the baby and I wasn’t comfortable with him anyway. Lottie would listen, but then she’d go off on one of her rambles and I’d feel self-conscious and the whole thing would be awkward. I definitely didn’t want to go to one of the other guys either.

Audrey was the best bet. Besides, I’d helped her out not that long ago when she’d been hiding secrets from Will. It was time to make things even.

I called her when I had a break between classes. She didn’t pick up, but I left a message asking if she wanted to do dinner or something and talk. I got a text back about an hour later that said she was free tonight. Will had a late class and she was going to be by herself anyway.

Not wanting to talk about something so intimate in the cafeteria, I asked if she wanted to order takeout and talk in her room. She was also sans roommate, so we didn’t have to worry about someone barging in. Next year she was moving in with Will and I had to admit I was a tiny bit jealous. All my friends were moving on in their relationships, becoming adults and shit and here I was, not even able to let my boyfriend see my boobs.

“So what’s up? I feel like we haven’t talked just the two of us in forever,” she said as I made myself comfortable on the spare bed she used as a couch. Her walls were covered in Harry Potter posters and memorabilia. She and Will really were a perfect nerdy match.

I sighed.

“Well…” I trailed off.

“Hey, it’s okay. I know how hard the past can be to talk about. I’ve only just been able to accept what happened with Eddie and Emily and everything.” She smiled when she said her daughter’s name. The little girl wasn’t even two years old and she had cancer. Eddie was a match for bone marrow donation, so hopefully she’d be fine. I couldn’t even comprehend that. Having a kid.

“You know I don’t like to talk about my past, my childhood,” I said, trying to get myself started at least.

“Uh huh. Stryker’s given the impression that it was rough and I know he became your guardian when he turned eighteen.” That had really been the best thing that had happened to us. It meant I didn’t have to go to another foster home and we could be together. He was the only family I’d ever needed.

“Yeah, okay. Well, there is a lot more to it than that. A lot more than crazy parents and bad foster homes and shit.” I couldn’t look at her while I talked, so I grabbed a pillow and held it against my chest to keep me anchored.

Audrey waited patiently for me to go on.

“I won’t go into details, but let’s just say I’m unable to have normal physical relationships. I’ve tried, but it hasn’t gone well. I know I lied to you and everyone, but I didn’t know what else to do. I told myself I just wasn’t going to do any of that with someone. I thought I’d just go ahead and be an old maid. Maybe get a bunch of cats. And then I met Max and I couldn’t not be with him. I really, really like him.” I looked up from the pillow and found her steady brown eyes watching me. Audrey had a calming effect on people.

“I know you do,” she said gently.

“I really, really do. So, anyway, I want to be with him, you know, intimately, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do that without freaking out. And that was what I needed to talk to you about.” At that moment I got a text on my phone that our food was here. We’d gotten Chinese. I’d had a hankering for Lo Mein and crispy shrimp.

Our conversation was put on hold while I went down to pay the delivery guy and bring the food up.

“I’m starving,” Audrey said, grabbing the bags from me and helping me spread them out on the floor. We sat on pillows and put everything out on a towel so if there were spills she wouldn’t have to wash the floor.

“Have you talked to Max about it?” Audrey asked as she wielded a set of chopsticks like she’d been doing it her entire life. Jealous. I wasn’t that agile.

“Sort of? I mean, I don’t feel ready to tell him the exact details, but I’ve told him some stuff. He knows that I’m not just being weird. That I have a reason for not being with him that way. And we’ve done… some stuff.” I didn’t usually blush when it came to sex, but I was doing it now. “You’re not mad at me for lying to you?”

She shook her head and munched a pea pod.

“No, because I understand why you did it. It makes me think back to when you told me I would have to decide if keeping my secret was worth the price I was paying. It turned out it wasn’t and I wonder if the same could be true for you.” I had a feeling she was going to say that. Damn. Should have talked to Simon.

“Is it that you’re scared he’ll judge you? Or that it will change how he feels about you?” Yes, I was scared of those things, but my bigger problem was that I thought he would feel sorry for me. Pity me. And that the story of my life would make him not want me anymore.

I couldn’t give him the nightmares that still haunted me.

“I’m scared of a lot of shit, Aud,” I said, giving her a grim smile. “I’m scared to tell him, scared what he’ll think, how he’ll react, how he’ll treat me after, and how it will change our relationship.” I rattled off the list and she just listened and chewed quietly.

Tossing her hair over her shoulder so it wouldn’t get in her food, she thought for a little while.

“I can’t tell you what you should do. I can only tell you that in my case, things worked out. And it helped to save my daughter’s life and that’s the best part. Now I get to see her and Eddie gets to see her and everything is good now. It’s not perfect, but it’s so much better than what I was doing. How I was living. I wasn’t. I wasn’t fully living.” I knew exactly what she was talking about. I knew I wasn’t living fully. I’d always felt that way and I’d accepted it. Sort of. Then I met Max and now I wanted to
live
.

I wanted to give myself over to the feelings I had for him. I’d let myself do it for a few hours on our road trip date and it had been unbelievable. I wanted more.

Ugh, whatever. I had to figure something out.

Sensing that I didn’t want to talk about this particular subject anymore, Aud switched to telling me a funny story about her friend Tyler. He was notorious for doing ridiculous things just to get a laugh.

“Thanks for this,” I said as we piled the empty containers in the trash.

“Anytime. You were there for me in a time when I really needed a friend. I’ll always be grateful for that. Not to get sappy all over you.” She sniffed a little and I was feeling a little emotional myself. We shared a hug and then I suggested we re-watch my favorite Nicholas Sparks movie.

I DECIDED TRISH
and I needed to go on another date that weekend. The last one had be epic and I felt like it had helped to propel our relationship forward. Hopefully another one would do the same thing.

“Should I pack for another overnight trip? Because I have to work at eight tomorrow morning,” she said on Friday night when I picked her up.

“Nope, this one won’t be an overnighter. I wish, but it’s not gonna happen this weekend. And for what I have planned, we don’t have to go far.” I could tell she was intrigued. Sure, this date wasn’t going to be quite as dramatic as the last one, but I still thought it was going to be a good time. Hell, we could sit in her dorm room and stare at the ceiling and it would be a blast. It didn’t matter what we did, as long as we did it together.

Just to throw her off a little bit, I drove around a while and then stopped at a drive-thru.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“Um, aren’t we going to get out of the car and go in and eat?” she asked.

“Nope. We’re not eating here. We’re just picking up food to bring it somewhere else.” This was almost the best part of the date. When she tried to figure out what the hell she was in for.

“Okayyy,” she said slowly and then scanned the light-up menu. I ordered and we got the bags and then it was time for phase two.

I drove back to campus.

“Wait a minute,” she said, looking around. “What are we doing?”

“You’ll see. Have some damn patience, Trishella.” That earned me a nice smack on the arm. It was worth it to see her scowl like that. I really did like winding her up.

I parked a little way from the observatory and got out of the car.

“So we’re going to need to do something a little bit bad,” I said.

“Go on,” she said, her eyes sparkling a little. I knew Trish would be up for breaking any kind of rule.

I opened the trunk and pulled out a baggy jacket for me and one for her.

“Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to hide your food in this jacket so we can sneak our dinner in. They don’t allow eating in the planetarium,” I said, shoving the jacket at her. She looked at me as if I was nuts.

“What? It’s dinner and a show,” I said.

She just shook her head at me and folded the top over the bag and shoved it in her purse.

“How the hell did you do that?” I asked. Her purse definitely didn’t look big enough to hold that entire bag of food.

“Magic,” she said and then grabbed my bag and shoved
that
in as well. If that wasn’t enough, she somehow nestled in both of our sodas. Very carefully, she put the bag over her shoulder and then posed.

“Tada.”

“Is it weird to say that I’m seriously turned on right now?” I asked and she laughed. It was a sweet and open sound. I loved her laugh. It made me think nothing bad could ever happen.

I walked over to her and gave her a kiss. Fire sizzled in my veins and I almost wanted to cancel the date and just make out on the hood of my car.

Trish pulled away and gave me a wink.

“Ready to go, Clyde?” I snorted.

“After you, Bonnie,” I said, motioning for her to go first.

MIRACLE OF MIRACLES,
she got the bag in without anyone the wiser. I couldn’t look at her as I paid for two tickets for the seven o’clock show because I knew I’d blow our cover.

We took our seats near the back and in the corner so hopefully no one would sit near us.

“How are the drinks?” I whispered as we sat down. There weren’t a whole lot of people here, so I figured we were pretty much home free as long as we didn’t make a whole lot of crinkling or sipping noises.

She checked her purse and then handed me mine.

“Perfect.”

I set it down by my feet, since there were no cup holders.

“It will be just my luck that I knock that over and get us busted,” I said. She just shrugged and sipped her soda.

“You know I’ve never been in here,” she said, looking around.

I hadn’t either, but they had discounted rates for shows on the weekends, so it seemed like a cool thing to do. We’d done the sunrise on our last date, so it sort of made sense to do the stars on this one. I’d wanted to take her up to the observatory or something, but that would have required me to pull some strings I didn’t have access to. They didn’t let just anyone up there, apparently, and I didn’t have any connections in the astronomy department.

We waited until the lights dimmed and the show started before we brought out our food.

“Normally I can’t eat fries without ketchup, but I’ll make an exception,” she said in my ear. I turned my head and her mouth was only inches from mine. It was a shame about the ketchup. I was imagining her with it on her lip, and I could just lean over and lick it off…

She handed me my fries and burger and we did everything we could to muffle the sound of unwrapping them. I kept glancing around, but the narration to the show was so loud that even if we crinkled a thousand wrappers no one would have heard it.

The show was designed to give you an overview of the cosmos, but the best part was near the end, when it showed the stars and then started turning slowly and accompanied by music.

“Wow,” Trish said, her voice a quiet hush. We’d finished our food and wiped the grease off our fingers. I nudged her with my elbow and then put my arm up so she could lean against me. She did so and snuggled into me. I turned my head just a little and inhaled the scent of her hair. She used this thick conditioner to keep her hair color and it always smelled amazing.

She gave a little contented sigh and it made me feel like a million bucks. Putting her hand on my chest, she started stroking my shirt just a little. I didn’t think she was even aware of doing it, but I loved it. Just that little touch.

My neck got sore from looking up, but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. When the show ended I turned and looked at Trish. There was such an expression of calm contentment on her face it made my heart thump a little faster.

“What?” she said, realizing I was watching her.

“You are so heartbreakingly beautiful,” I said, placing a kiss on her forehead.

She didn’t scoff, just closed her eyes and smiled up at me.

“When you say it, I believe it.”

“You should. It’s true. And anyone who can’t see how beautiful you are needs their eyes checked.” I’d been baffled when she hadn’t been attached to someone at the funeral. I would have thought she had a line of suitors down the block, but nope.

“You know, I can never keep the constellations straight,” she said as we slowly walked back to the car. I still had my arm around her.

“What do you mean?”

“They all have crazy names and then they never look like the thing they’re supposed to look like. Except for Orion. That one definitely looks like a dude shooting a bow and wearing a glowy belt.” That made me laugh.

“Now, if this were the cliché date, I’d spread a blanket on the ground, take your arm and point out the constellations and tell you which one is which and draw them with you. And then you’d fall helplessly in love with me,” I said, and that made her snort.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Only sometimes,” I said. “And since this isn’t a cliché date, because we are not cliché people, I’m not going to do that. Also, because it’s fucking freezing and I don’t want to ice my balls off.” That last part made her laugh again.

“I also value your balls, so we definitely don’t want to do that,” she said. “What is the plan now? Unless that was it.” She tried not to sound disappointed, but really failed. Trish wasn’t good at hiding her emotions. I was definitely cool with that.

“No, that wasn’t it. We’re ready for part two.”

“Ooohhhh, that sounds sexy.”

I held the door open for her and she got in the car.

“I’ll let you be the judge,” I said, winking before I shut the door.

IT WAS LIKE
he’d studied some kind of book called
50 Unique Date Ideas That Will Make Women Want to Bang You
. He was making it nearly impossible to say no to ripping his clothes off and dragging him into the backseat. And to be honest, if he wanted to do something cliché, I wouldn’t have cared. We would have a good time no matter what. Hell, we could have a rocking time at Bingo. I should suggest that as a date idea. He was bound to run out eventually and I didn’t want him to have to do all the work.

It was only a short drive and we ended up parking at his dorm. I just stopped asking questions. He wasn’t going to ruin the surprise.

“Ready?” he asked as he held the door open for me and gave me his hand to get out.

“Why not?”

We went up to his room, which I expected, but then he opened the door and my mouth dropped open.

“I wanted to take you to the beach, but I couldn’t really do that, seeing as how it’s cold and it would take a while. So, I guess I brought the beach to you.”

He’d decked out his room with blow up palm trees, beach balls, towels, a giant cardboard sun and in the middle of the floor was a kiddie pool filled with blue-tinted water and a tiny blow-up shark.

I stuck my hand in the water and it was still warm.

“I might have had some help with this one,” he said, and I looked up to see him holding out a bathing suit. My bathing suit. I didn’t really want to know how he’d gotten it. Probably via one of my friends.