TogetherinCyn (15 page)

I nodded, thinking of several reasons not to hang out for
that conversation.

Chris quietly watched every move I made. He remained still
so long I was a nervous wreck when he finally spoke. “There’s another reason I
didn’t look at you downstairs.”

“Why?”

“I know what it feels like.”

I could barely get the words out. “How could you?” Without
thinking, I traced the scars on his back.

He stiffened. “What we’re asking for isn’t easy and I didn’t
want to scare you off. Especially not with what happened to me.”

“Does Jared—I mean, does he know what happened?”

“No.” He laid his cheek on the top of my head and weariness
rolled off him. I’d always thought of him as unbreakable. I was scared to learn
any different.

He led me over to the couch, settling me on his lap with my
head on his shoulder. He stroked my hair like he was trying to settle a wild
animal.

I waited for him to go on. A pause like that changes a
person. It alters how you see the world. His rib cage expanded as he sucked in
air. His heart thumped steadily beneath me.

“Our parents. They didn’t pay us our inheritance because
they loved us or were proud of us. They paid me off because I threatened to
expose them for abusing me.”

“
What?
” I tried to sit up but he wouldn’t let me. I
clenched my jaw good and tight, settling against him the best I could. I
finally understood why he kept his emotions to himself. His parents had always
been more impressed with corporate mergers and business dealings. I’d thought
the inheritance was a thank you for the guys’ service. Some grand gesture to
make amends for their aloofness. I never would have guessed their true reason.
“Tell me. Please,” I prompted, trying and failing miserably to control my
anger.

“We were seniors in high school. One night Jared was out
with some friends and my parents came to my room. They said they had something
to talk to me about and since I was the oldest, I could handle it better than
Jared. Well, you know how I was, cocky as shit and I always wanted to be the
best. They led me to the farthest wing in the house, to a door that had always
been locked. Jared and I wondered for years what was behind that door but we’d
always been told it was for adults only.

“I stepped inside and it was straight out of a BDSM
magazine. Whips and chains hung from the walls. Whipping benches, stocks, pony
equipment. You name it, it was there. I was mesmerized. At seventeen, my
desires already ran on the darker side. I was a kid in a candy store.”

Silently, I sat there, waiting for him to continue with my
heart hammering away in my chest.

“They told me to stay strong as some big-ass dude grabbed me
from behind. He dragged me over to a wall and chained my arms out to the side,
exposing my back. All I had on was a pair of sweatpants. The first crack of the
whip was deafening. It all happened so fast I thought lightning had struck the
house. Then pain exploded across my shoulders.”

“Who did it? Who was the guy?” Tears filled my eyes. It
didn’t matter that it had been more than a decade ago. I wanted somebody to pay
for hurting him.

He shook his head. “It was a woman. A woman who whipped me
that night.”

“But you said a guy…”

“He grabbed me and restrained me but he was
her
submissive.” The word came out a curse. “She made a bet with my parents that
she could break me. Wanted to prove she was stronger, better, something. My
parents, for once in my life, believed in me so they set me up. Didn’t matter
that I was underage. Didn’t matter that I was their son. They’re yelling for me
to man up and this chick was screaming at me to show what a pussy I really was.
I’d waited my entire life for my parents to care and that…was what I got.”

Tears clogged my throat, making it impossible for me to
reply.

“She broke me that night. I yelled…begged…pleaded with them
to make her stop but they just stood off to the side, disappointed. I could
have been anyone—I finally saw that. I never begged them to help me after that
night.”

The last three words bounced around inside my skull, jarring
me. “It happened more than once?” He let me sit up to swipe the angry tears
from my cheeks and I gripped his hand as he nodded. “Why didn’t you run? Why
didn’t you tell me or Jared or go to the police? I would have believed you.”

“When she was…done that first night, and every night after,
she’d whisper in my ear that if I ever told anyone, if I ran, if I did
anything, it would be Jared chained to the wall the next time, and she’d do it.
I had no doubt she’d follow through with the threat. They told me they had
pictures of me. When they… They took pictures. Insurance, they called it.
They’d made it so the pictures didn’t incriminate them. But they’d show them to
my friends. My teachers. Girlfriends. They could have gotten jail time for
having them but I didn’t know that. They’d ruin my life, my future, because who
would believe some kid over them? I was no one.”

No, you and your brother have always been everything.

He sounded so lost. Standing alone in a world full of
people. I understood something about that. I wanted to soothe him. Comfort him.
But I couldn’t see anything past my anger.

“How did they hurt you?” I whispered. My insides shook with
soul-deep rage. “More than the whips?”

His eyes filled with hate.

He nodded, cleaving my heart in two.

“
For punishment
, she said,
for breaking
.” His
glanced at me before darting away again. “For her it was nothing but a power
trip, forcing me to submit. I reminded her that they had to chain me down so
she couldn’t be all that good at it. She didn’t take that too well.”

Memories seemed to pass in front of him and he closed his
eyes again but kept a firm hold of my hand.

“I never told a soul. It’s also why I convinced J to join
the marines with me right after we turned eighteen. I didn’t want him there
alone. I didn’t want him hurt. He was always up for an adventure, always
easygoing. He didn’t ask a lot of questions. So we didn’t tell anyone, even
you, we just left.”

I finally understood. The note in my side table made perfect
sense. Joining the military had been his only option because it kept them away
for so long. But a question popped into my head.

“But how did Jared become a Dom if your situation didn’t
start it?”

“He went to a club when we were stationed in Japan. Curious,
nothing more. He came into one of the public display areas and I was giving a
flogging demonstration. I had experimented in high school with some of my
girlfriends and he assumed that was where the scars came from. I just never
corrected him.” He scrubbed his face, looking tired. “That was the first night
we shared a woman. Hell, it’s probably hard-coded in our genes somewhere. My
need for it runs deeper because of what happened. So now I’m the one in
control.” He finally met my eyes and held them. “Always.”

“Is that why you built The Library?”

“That was Jared’s idea. Once he saw the lifestyle, he was a
Dom for life and needed the scene as much as I do. We wanted a place where
people like us could go to be themselves. A safe place, with no abuse.” He
brushed aside the robe covering my thigh, hovering above one of the welts,
feeling the heat. “A place to let go and indulge your fantasies. Somewhere you
won’t be judged or thought less of.”

My brain was spinning. “Wait. All of this explains why you
paid for the townhouse—so you always had a place to stay when you came home.
But why did your parents leave? And why did that bitch and her lapdog leave you
alone when you got back?”

Chris scowled. “I scheduled leave alone once. Hadn’t been in
the house two minutes when the sub tried to tackle me. I beat that guy until
there was a pool of blood on the floor. The bitch Domme came at me and instinct
took over. My mother screaming finally got my attention.”

He petted me, soothing me when he was the one who needed
comfort. “It’s probably the only thing that kept me from killing them both. I
shoved her away and she collapsed next to her dipshit helper. I was a hell of a
lot bigger by then and combat trained. No way in hell was I going to be a
victim again. I told our parents they had two months to pack up, sell the house
and move. I told them I wanted our inheritance, along with the pictures, and
that I never wanted to see them again. They could explain it to Jared however
they wanted. I didn’t give a fuck. They deposited the money and I haven’t seen
them since. Jared’s talked to them a handful of times. But that was it.”

My head was reeling but something still didn’t add up. “Why
did they do as you demanded? Why didn’t they disown you or use the pictures to
threaten you again?”

He brushed a few strands of hair from my cheek. “Because the
last time they chained me to that wall, before Jared and I enlisted, I set up a
video camera and recorded all of it. Every one of them. I’ll never forget my
parents’ expressions when I told them about the tape. I would lose no sleep
sharing it with every business contact, charity group, media outlet and church
member they associated with. And the cunt whipping me? She was a hotshot
federal judge who had a thing for underage boys.

“She couldn’t afford a political scandal of that magnitude
so after I made a
visit
to her hospital room the next day, she decided
to take early retirement. I warned her to get rid of the pictures and find a
new line of work. Told her I’d be watching and she didn’t want to go up against
the men I knew. She moved before my parents did and took her little puppet with
her.”

His parents had had money, power and influence in Arcadia. I
finally understood exactly how alone he must have been, thinking he had no one
to confide in. After years of trying to win his parents’ love, win their
approval, he got nothing but misery.

Fear ate at my insides. “You’ve never said you loved me. Is
this why?”

He wouldn’t look at me. “Love is an illusion, Cyn. That’s
why I’ve kept my distance from you. Why I tried to convince Jared this wouldn’t
work.”

My future disintegrated right in front of me.

“You deserve better than that. Better than me.”

These two men were all I’d ever wanted. But a future without
Chris’ love—was that something I could accept? “You never told Jared any of
this? Nothing? About you, about your parents? He must wonder why they up and
moved across the country, no matter what they told him.”

His exhale was laced with indecision. “Maybe.” He looked
lost. All the emotion he’d hidden from me was there in his eyes. “But I don’t
want him to be embarrassed.”

I caressed his jaw, unable to let him hurt, even if he
couldn’t love me. “Wouldn’t you want to know if something happened to him?”

“Of course, but…”

“But it’s different because it’s you?”

“I don’t want him to be disappointed,” he said, almost too
low for me to hear.

“Do you think less of me for what happened tonight? If I
were raped before, would you have assumed it was my fault?” It came out a
whisper. It was my biggest fear and the reason I’d kept everything a secret for
so long.

“It wasn’t your fault. You’re smaller and had no control but
you still bested him. You were amazing. You’ll blow my mind the next time you
submit to us.”

I tensed, though his words were meant to comfort. He tried
to hug me to him but I stood up. “I don’t know if I can let that happen. I
don’t want to feel powerless again. Just the thought of it…”

Chris followed, snagging my arm so I couldn’t leave. “Don’t
say no, Cyn. Not tonight. We could have everything you wrote in your journal. I
hope once you think about it, you’ll understand it can be amazing with people
who trust each other.”

Trust. Not love.

“And this is why you’ll only be with me if I can’t
see
you?” I rubbed his chest and felt his anger grow.

“What, the sex isn’t good enough?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth. I want you to let go. I want
you
,
not a watered-down version of you.”

“No. You don’t.” Chris released me. I’d never felt as in
sync with someone, yet so distant. He glanced at his twin as he entered the
room. His expression was bleak.

“Police are gone and I brought our new cards.” Jared laid
them on the coffee table then wrapped me in his arms. A shudder worked its way
up my back and I wilted against him. “It’s late. Why don’t we all get some
shut-eye and we’ll talk more in the morning?”

If I let them touch me, I would never leave. My love for
them had blinded me but I couldn’t allow that to continue. If I was going to
determine what I needed, I had to do it before any of us could be hurt further.

“I’ve loved you both for so long. I don’t remember what it’s
like not to.”

Jared recoiled. “Why does that sound like goodbye?”

I wanted to memorize his features. His masculine strength
was inherent in every smile, every raised eyebrow. It almost changed my mind.
They could remove my robe and take me to bed. Replace all the pain and hurt
with something warm. Something pure.

But I couldn’t do it. I grabbed my card. “Because I’m going
to go do some thinking.”

Jared glanced from me to Chris, who remained silent. “What
do you mean
go
? You can think right here.” He continued to watch me. A
muscle ticked in his jaw, betraying his anger and uncertainty.

“I need to stand on my own two feet and decide what’s going
to be best for me.”

“And what I want, what Chris wants, doesn’t matter?”

“It matters more than you can ever know, J. But I need to
sort through everything. I’m tired and angry and I want to sleep for a week.
The clock stuck midnight somewhere and my carriage is a pumpkin again. This
fantasy world the past few days with you has been wonderful. But I need to
decide if I can accept the reality of it. Along with the fantasy.”