Tools of Ignorance: Lisa's Story (24 page)

“I guess.” Lisa knew she didn’t sound very enthusiastic so she added, “I guess I knew more geometry than I thought. Julie and Marcus both got A-plusses, though.”

Her mother laughed. “Well, you can’t be the best at everything, but you’re the best sixteen year-old daughter in the world, you know. You’re a godsend when it comes to your sisters and brother. And, this week away at camp is our way of letting you have some alone time. I don’t ever want you to think that Papa and I take you for granted. It’s important to us that you get time for yourself. ”

“Thanks, Mom.”

Lisa tried to sound upbeat, but couldn’t find enthusiasm for much of anything these days. She and Sam were still in a fight, and it had been two weeks already. Sam texted her every day, and Lisa texted back, but her responses had been minimal and non-committal. Neither one had suggested seeing the other, but now Lisa was heading off for camp, and Sam was at her summer house on Lake Bonaparte for two weeks. Geez, who owned two houses? It seemed kind of wasteful to Lisa, but what did she know? Maybe Sam had twelve houses, and maybe Sam had twelve girlfriends, too. Maybe that’s why Sam never invited her over. Or, more likely, Lisa thought with a frown, maybe Sam was too ashamed of her poor girlfriend from the poor side of Clarksonville.

Sam wasn’t all that was on her mind either. Lisa still wasn’t quite sure where she fit into William’s life even after their lunch the Saturday before. Lisa stared out the van window. The exit for Syracuse Airport was coming up. She wished she could get on a plane and go somewhere, anywhere, so she wouldn’t have to deal with any of it. She sighed and pushed her sunglasses up the bridge of her nose against the early afternoon sun.

“What’s up, Lisa Bear? You’re kind of quiet today. And yesterday. And the day before.”

“I know, Mom. I’m sorry.” She didn’t know how to talk to her mother about Sam without actually coming out to her, so she said, “William wants me to go to his wedding. He wants me to be one of Evelyn’s bridesmaids.”

“Oh?” A hurt look crossed her mother’s face, and Lisa cringed. “You didn’t tell me about the bridesmaid part.”

“I’m sorry, Mom. I just…I don’t know if I want to go at all.”

“When is the wedding?”

“Two weeks. A week after camp.”

“Lisa, that’s pretty close. You need to tell William and Evelyn right away, because they need to fit you for a bridesmaid dress, and there are rehearsals and such.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t thought of that. “Hey, Mom?”

“Yes?”

“William’s kind of okay. He’s nice.”

Her mother looked at her with a gleam in her eye. “I know. I’ve always thought so, but I didn’t want to confuse you until you were old enough.”

Lisa burst out laughing. “Mom? You wanted to confuse me when I turned eighteen?”

Her mother laughed so hard that the van swerved a little. “Oh, sorry.” She caught her breath. “No. I hoped you wouldn’t get confused at all when you were eighteen and mature.”

“You mean I’m not mature?” Lisa crossed her eyes and let her tongue loll out of her mouth.

Her mother laughed again. “Apparently not.” She blew out a sigh. “But you need to decide soon and call William from camp. I’d say sooner rather than later. Okay?”

“I will.” Lisa kind of wanted to be in William and Evelyn’s wedding, but wasn’t sure how William’s family would react to his bastard kid suddenly showing up after sixteen years. She sighed and decided not to think about it just yet.

They rode along in silence for a while until her mother said, “I wonder how Papa’s doing at home with the kids.”

“He’s probably in shock. I can see Bridget now, pulling on his shirt begging to go to the playground.”

Her mother laughed. “And Lawrence Jr. kicking his soccer ball around the house until Papa plays with him.”

“What about Lynnie?”

They both laughed and her mother said, “Lynnie will be whining to stay in her room and read the Harry Potter series over again. You know she finished all those books that Sam gave her.”

The mere mention of Sam’s name put an immediate end to Lisa’s temporary good mood. In silence, she watched a semi-tractor trailer pass them.

“Honey?” her mother asked. “Talk to me.”

Lisa took a deep breath. “What?”

“C’mon. Whenever I bring up Sam’s name you clam up and get moody. What happened between you two?”

Not now, Mom. The last thing she wanted to add to her troubles was a heart to heart with her mother about Sam. She wasn’t in the mood to pretend that she and Sam were just friends who’d had a misunderstanding.
Is that all it was? A misunderstanding?

“Honey?”

“Sorry.” Lisa sighed. “We just…”

“You like Sam, don’t you?”

It wasn’t really a question. “Yeah.” She didn’t elaborate.

They sat in silence for a few long minutes. Lisa knew her mother was digging for something more, but she hadn’t planned on coming out to her mother that day. Someday, of course, but not then. Not with so many complicated things going on in her life.

“I mean, you really like Sam,” her mother pressed.

Lisa exchanged a silent glance with her mother, but then stared at the truck in front of them.
I don’t know if I’m ready to tell you, Mom.

“I don’t want to make assumptions, so you’re going to have to help me out here.”

“Mom, c’mon,” Lisa said in frustration. “Not today, okay?”

“If not today, when?” Her mother sighed and tapped the steering wheel with her index finger as if trying to figure out what to say next. “I want you to talk to Reverend Owens.”

Lisa groaned. “Why? There’s nothing wrong with me.” She looked down at her hands.

“I know.” Her mother put a defensive hand up. “I just want you to be sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. I mean, this could be a phase. Or Sam could be taking—”

“Taking what, Mom?” Lisa whipped her head around to glare at her mother. “Sam could be taking advantage of me? Me? What the hell do I have to offer her?”

“Language, young lady.”

“Sorry. Sam’s got everything in the world she could ever want.” Lisa sighed and sat quietly for a moment before adding, “She’s not the kind to take advantage of people.” Something clicked in her head, and she decided to get it over with. She braced herself and said, “Sam and I have been…Sam’s my…” She sighed and scratched at the soft cast on her right hand.

“You’re in love with Sam?” her mother suggested.

“Yeah.” Lisa let out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? That you love somebody?”

Lisa nodded.

“Oh, honey. I hope your father and I haven’t ever given you reason to think we’d love you less because you love a…because you love somebody. I just want you to make sure this is what you really want. This kind of lifestyle won’t be easy. Talking with Reverend Owens might help you.”

“What does Reverend Owens know about any of this?”

“He’s a counselor for the church.”

Lisa groaned. “Yeah, a marriage counselor for straight people.” She almost choked at saying the word straight with such derision in front of her mother. She quickly added, “What if Reverend Owens tells me I’m going to hell?”

Something primal crossed her mother’s face. “Then we will find someone else for you to talk to.”

“So you don’t think I’m going to hell because I’m gay?”

“Oh, Lisa. Don’t use that word. We don’t know if you’re gay.”

“How about lesbian? Or queer? Pick a label, any label. They all fit.” Lisa shrugged. But whatever label you pick, Mom, I like girls and that’s the way it is.

Her mother hesitated and then said, “Please talk with Reverend Owens before you label yourself.”

“But Mom—”

“Please, honey. At least grant me that.” The pleading look in her mother’s eye silenced any more of Lisa’s objections.

“What about babies?” her mother asked. “You always talked about having a houseful.”

“I still want babies.”

Her mother tapped the steering wheel, alone in her thoughts. “There are ways, I guess.”

“Ways of what?”

“Having babies.”

“Mom!” Lisa groaned again, but inside she smiled a little. Maybe her mother was coming to terms with her eldest daughter being gay.

“What? I want grandchildren.” She smirked.

“Mom, we had this talk in fifth grade, remember?”

“We didn’t have the two mommies talk, did we?” Her mother laughed. “I would have remembered that.”

Lisa pulled her sunglasses down and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “So, you’re okay with, you know, me and Sam?”

“Well, I still haven’t quite wrapped my brain around the whole thing yet, but I will love you regardless. I do need to ask one more thing of you, though.”

“What’s that?”

“Be respectful around the little ones. I don’t think they’ll understand.”

“Are you ashamed of me?” Lisa stared down at her hands.

“Oh, honey, of course not. I just need time to get used to the whole idea. I think I’ll be making my own appointment with Reverend Owens.”

“You will?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, you may not have to.”

“Why not?”

“There may not be a 'me and Sam' anymore.”

“Oh?” Her mother glanced over. Lisa couldn’t read the expression.

“I don’t know, Mom. She’s Samantha Rose Payton, East Valley royalty.”

“To be honest, Papa and I felt a little self-conscious when she came over for our Memorial Day barbeque.”

“You knew who she was?”

Her mother nodded. “We thought maybe you’d be embarrassed that we’re just working class folks. A hair dresser and a handyman.”

“I’m proud of you guys, Mom. I would never be embarrassed by you.” Lisa had always admired the hard work her parents put in at their jobs. She loved the way her mother was equal parts psychologist and hair dresser with her customers. And she loved the way her father could fix anything—even mean old Mr. Muller’s furnace which her father fixed for free all the time. She’d learned a lot of skills from both of her parents. From her dad she learned stuff like the difference between a ball-peen and a claw hammer. From her mom, she learned how to have patience and listen carefully to other people.
Which I think maybe I forgot.

Lisa looked at her Mom. “Her family owns half of Clarksonville County or something, and she didn’t tell me.”

“And so now you feel a little betrayed?”

“Geez, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I guess I would, too.” Her mother nodded. “Maybe Sam was embarrassed.”

“Yeah, maybe, because I’m not sophisticated or something. Like I wouldn’t know which fork to use or whatever.”

“Oh, no, honey. I meant maybe she was embarrassed to show you how she lived.”

“Why?”

“Maybe she’s self-conscious about how much wealth her family has that others don’t.”

“Like me.”

“Yes, like us. You know, that was an awfully quiet car ride back from the emergency room.”

“I know. Sam and I are in a fight, I guess. Susie, that’s Marlee’s friend, told us that Sam was stinkin’ rich, and I was embarrassed, because I didn't know. Marlee was looking at me like I should have known all along. That I should have told her.” The words tumbled out in one continuous stream. “I felt like the stupidest person in the world. I mean, was I so selfish that I never asked Sam about herself? Geez, was it all about me, me, me the whole time?”

“Honey—”

“I don’t know, Mom,” Lisa interrupted. “I’m confused. I mean, I still love her.” Lisa tensed. She’d just said the word love and her in the same sentence.

Her mother cleared her throat obviously uncomfortable by Lisa’s confession. “Hey, our exit is coming up. Do you want to drive the rest of the way to camp?”

“Sure.” Lisa nodded. Normally she would have been excited to get more driving practice, but she couldn’t find the energy. The talk with her mother had worn her out. And on top of that, her broken hand had started to ache. Her mother flicked the turn signal on and eased into the exit lane.

Lisa’s phone chimed announcing an incoming text. She looked at the display. It wasn’t Sam, because the number had a 516 area code. The number looked familiar, though, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

She clicked open the text. “r u on ur way, apl pckr? I miss u.”

Lisa stared at the screen as her mind frantically tried to make sense of the message. The only person in the whole universe that called her apple picker was Tara. Lisa froze when her brain finally understood. Tara was at camp and waiting for her.

Chapter Twenty-One

Trust

LISA CHECKED BEHIND her to make sure she wasn’t being followed. She didn’t see any sign of Tara, so she left the path and headed into the woods toward the old shooting range. She still hadn’t made up her mind about going to William’s wedding, so she skipped lunch to find a quiet place, away from camp and away from Tara, where she could call him.

She picked her way along the trail, and even though the summer day was warm, she shivered as the forest closed in around her. She kicked up the dry leaves and inhaled the woodsy smell, which took her right back to the summer before when Tara had first brought her out there.

Lisa managed to steer clear of Tara during her first night at camp and most of that morning. The second night, though, Tara apparently didn’t like being avoided and pounded on Lisa’s dorm room door. Lisa kept her door locked tight and told her to take a hike. She thanked all the gods in the universe when Coach Greer flung open her door to find out what all the ruckus was about. Lisa couldn’t hear what lie Tara came up with, but as long as Tara went away, she didn’t care.

Lisa breathed in the summer forest and wondered for a second if she had taken the wrong trail because she didn’t remember the old shooting range being this far away from the camp. The concrete structure finally came into view, so she relaxed. Memories flooded her mind before she could stop them. Tara standing close to her in the clearing. Tara touching her. Lisa closed her eyes and remembered feeling Tara’s lips on hers for the first time. She moaned out loud at the remembered softness and the urgency. No, she would not give in to the memory, and with effort opened her eyes. The Tara in her memory was a very different Tara than the one who had slammed into her during the championship game. No, that year-old memory could never be recreated.