Top Love: An Alpha Billionaire Romance (Young Adult Stepbrother and Billionaire Romance Stories) (36 page)

It felt strange for me to think of it that way, especially since I had always thought of myself as an independent woman, maybe even a feminist.  But when a rich and powerful man protects you, guides you into his arms and keeps you secure, it’s such an alluring feeling.  How can a woman with doubts, with fluctuating hormones, and paranoia, say no to that comfort?

But the intellect still taunts me.  Why am I not strong enough on my own?  Why am I more comfortable needing him?  Is it really his money or his mind?  Is it his inner strength of character or just his clever writer’s wordplay? 

I began to resent Alfie on some level as the weeks passed.  Not because of his kindness or his vulnerability, but because of his downright obsessive fear of making love to me, while with child.  I wasn’t a woman any longer or even a sexual being.  I was just his property and to be protected above all else.  It didn’t make me feel sexy.  It made me long for the way things used to be.

After a while, I couldn’t suppress my feelings any longer.  I had to say something at dinner, just to let my grief and angst air out and stop boiling up inside me.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have this baby,” I said matter-of-factly over dinner.

“What?”

“I don’t want to bring a child into this world if it’s unsafe.  I don’t want this baby to be something that comes between us.”

“Why would you say that?” he said, with a stressed face. 

“Because I feel like you’re just protecting me.  Like I’m your obligation.  But I’m not the same woman you desired before.  Am I?   Everything’s changed.  Nothing’s fun anymore.  Now all I feel is constant anxiety, like I’m walking into a trap.  Like dangers waiting at every door…”

I excused myself, running out of the dining room and into one of many bathrooms of Alfred Banes’ mansion.  He said nothing and didn’t move, but looked to be in deep thought.  I chalked the whole thing up to hormonal changes.  

***

I was still feeling frail and stubbornly feminine.  I even tried on some red lingerie, eager to feel sexy again.  To relive my days of no responsibility and no worries, which were soon to be coming to an end.  I eyed myself in the mirror, wondering why my body is such a powerful thing to a man.  What about me, just me, attracts a man like Alfred Banes…a jaded lover, rich beyond his wildest dreams, and yet a man with hardly any leash from society. 

He’s free to do what he wants, whenever, with whoever, and no one would stop him.  Why do I find that so intimidating and yet so attractive?  It’s not just the money.  It’s the idea that he doesn’t have any need of me.  And now I feel vulnerable, since I need him and yet he still doesn’t need me.  He’s unafraid of me walking away.  He’s probably just fine with me getting rid of the baby.  He has too much power.  I think my pouting is more a need of my own to latch onto something.  To gain just one piece of him, to control not his whole being, but to simply have something of his to call my own.

I don’t know if he loves me or just keeps me, as a collectible, a statue that recalls fine memories.  I can’t say for sure that he even wants this baby or knows what to make of us.  Maybe it’s all paranoia…but maybe it’s also intuition. Maybe it’s just my conscience, my identity as a woman, calling out to me.

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, collecting my thoughts and asking myself who I really was.  Who I was capable of being.  Was I just a rich man’s wife or was my destiny still to come?

Without knocking, Alfred barged inside the bathroom, seeing me standing in red lingerie, looking a little self-conscious. 

“You’re supposed to knock before entering,” I said boldly, finding his eyes, but going back to the mirror reflection.  Now I saw both of us reflected back, looking on blankly and in silent meditation.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you don’t own me.”

“No, I don’t.  I don’t want to own you.  But, Barbara, I can’t help myself.  From wanting you.  From wanting to be in your presence.  For chasing after what I want.”

He hugged me from behind, wrapping his arms around me tight and soothing my cool skin. 

“I just want you.  And you know I’m not the type of man to ask permission for anything.  I go out and I get.  Call it a flaw or a lifestyle.”

“Do you really want me?  Not just the way I am now, but what’s going to happen to me?” I asked softly, too afraid of the conversation to speak any louder.  “When my body changes.  When my instincts change, when my sexual drive changes?”

“I’ve always wanted your body, mind and soul.  They are what make you unique.  They are what drive me wild. I love you Barbara, don’t ever forget that.”

Seeing his intense look in his eyes, suddenly all my doubts and insecurities disappeared and I remembered that I loved this man’s imagination, his commitment to making me happy.  There was nothing forbidden and indeed nothing he wouldn’t give to me, if only I desired it.  I was truly happy and so was he. 

He lovingly came closer to me and for the first time in a long time he made love to me. We had sweet passionate and emotional sex that filled us up in new ways that we have never imagined.

At long last, I was ready to become a mother, only because he fulfilled me in every other way possible.

***

I awoke the next morning feeling delightfully exhausted.  I showered for an extra long time, loving the very thought of being stained and tainted in erotic tastes and smells. 

I took my time getting dressed, wearing a white and grey office-appropriate outfit.  Though I was now a mom-to-be, I felt empowered.  As if I could land a job if I wanted, or have an affair, if I so desired.  I could do anything and be anything.  But I really wanted was to see our child be born.  To see firsthand how lovely our souls coming together could turn out to be.  Part of me, part of him, one magnificent creature.

Oddly enough, the only place I really wanted to go was back to my old grocery store, where I used to work before Alfred came into my life, hard-headed as always.  I saw some old friends.  Laughed and caught up with acquaintances, not too shabby a life I was happy to describe to them, despite their green-eyed stares.  I even saw my old friend the assistant manager turned store manager Chrissy.

“Oh wow, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you!” she said offering me a hug.  Of all the people there, she seemed to be the only one genuinely happy to see me again.  Everyone else seemed polite, as if my appearance was gloating.  I was expected to be unhappy about my success story? 

“I know,” I said to her smiling back, finally finding someone who could understand.  “It’s been a wild adventure for sure.”

“We need to go and have a drink!” she said.

“I uh…can’t.  I said, looking down at my belly, which was still fairly curvy and not to the stage of baby bump yet.”

“Ohh silly me!” she said.  “Then let’s go out to dinner.”

“I don’t think I can,” I said, a bit wishy washy.  And besides, I really couldn’t think of anything interesting to say that would last an entire hour, over dinner.  Was that the snob coming out in me or just the entitlement to be honest about these sorts of things?

“Oh come on.  You owe me at least one dinner,” she said with a smile.  “My treat.”

“Money’s not the issue,” I said, trying not to sound too proud.  Having access to Alfie’s resources was certainly a gift I never expected or demanded.

“I’ll bet it’s not!” she said, eyeing me and grinning.  “So is it true what they say about him?  That he’s a freak in bed?”

I felt my stomach turn over and my eyes sped away.  “How about…we go and not talk about my boyfriend?”

“Deal!  Let’s go.”

I smiled awkwardly, trying to remember what it was like to be a dreamer and not a woman trying oh so hard to live with luxury that had just fallen into her lap.  I knew I was lucky.  But communication with the working class, I admit, was becoming more difficult.

***

We took a drive out to Grandbury, an old road beyond the freeway that was long and winding, giving us ample time to catch up.  I hated to admit it to myself, but damn was Chrissy’s life boring.  Boyfriends leaving her.  Guys hitting on her.  Family drama.  Career changes.  None of it of any interest to me.  I feigned some interest, if only to seem respectful to my old friend.  Old acquaintance.  We were never that close.  We did have a few moments, I suppose, in the break room.  Talking about our go-nowhere lives.  I graduated from this existence of misery and I do admit to feeling guilty.  Part of me thinks I should still be here, suffering with all of them.  With her, the poor girl.  She used to confide in me.  And since Alfred was always invading my thoughts I never gave her my undivided attention.  Now that she had it…my attention was distracted. 

Of course, I was limited in options because of my situation.  Chrissy was driving down the road pretty fast, so I had no choice but to be on her side.  Talk to her and pretend as if she was still the center of my universe. 

Still, the only who sounded snottier than myself was Chrissy herself.  Taking for granted everyone she knew in life, hating the people who loved her, complaining about a job that she beat twenty other people to get…it just went on and on.

“Besides, who gives a fuck if you’re in love with me?” she ranted.  “I ain’t in love with you, asshole.  I can’t believe the shit some guys say.  I’m tired of all these stupid guys that barely know me, trying to say they love me.  They don’t know me.  They don’t know what I’m capable of.”

“Uh huh,” I said tiredly.

“I tell you what it is, Barbara. They love what I do for their ego.  But there’s no real love there.  It’s just a bunch of boys chasing after sex, the way it always has been from the very beginning of time.”

“I guess so,” I replied.  “I mean…”

“Well anyway, I’m just sick to death of so-called nice guys.  They are trouble.  They always tell you that they’re nice and they’re doing all these things for you.  But all they’re doing is manipulating your mind and trying to force you to feel something for them.  I can see through that shit, though.”

“Mmm-hmm.  Well, sometimes.  But I got to be honest,” I said apologetically, “sometimes there’s such a thing as a nice person.  Sometimes you really do just meet someone who is different.  Who is head and shoulders above every other man you met in your life so far.” 

True, Alfie wasn’t exactly a “nice guy”, but he did have a good heart.  I really believed that.  I think that’s why I liked him from the very beginning.  He kept reminding me constantly that he had the capacity to be a real jerk.  But in the end, all he did was protect me.  Hold me.  Make me feel good about myself. 

“I doubt it.  Like…really, really doubt it,” she said looking over at me.  “I really don’t think any man is good enough, not when it comes to falling in love.  Men are all the same, you know.  You know that.  Right, Barbara?”

She kept looking at my face as if waiting for my reaction or disapproval.

“Say…are we going to eat anytime soon?  Getting kind of hungry.  And we’ve been driving almost forty-five minutes.”

She sighed.  “Yeah.  It is a little out of the way.  Isn’t it?”

I double blinked and felt a chill come over me as I silently gagged.  “Chrissy?”

She said nothing in reply.  But she kept staring ahead to the open road which was becoming warped, long and unfamiliar as it sped off far away from the city freeway.  Before long we were staring at country fields and dirt and gravel roads, with bumps and dips all over the place. 

“Oh God,” I said in worry.  “They got to you.  Didn’t they?  Shit…I thought it was in my imagination.”  I almost cried but tried to stay strong.  The worst thing I could do was show weakness to this treacherous bitch.

“Where are you taking me?” I tried to say in confidence.  But I don’t think Chrissy was afraid of me at all.  

She smiled and stared straight ahead to the long empty road, nodding and growing a devious little smile on her face.  “Don’t you worry about a thing, Barbara.  It’s all going to be okay.”

“Who is it?” I muttered to myself.  “Who put you up to this?”

“Nobody.”

“I knew.  I knew.  I told him too…” I said, shaking my head in frustration.  “I warned him.  Everyone thought I was being silly.”

“Well, it’s not really you, Barb.  You see, when you live so recklessly you just pay a price.”

“Recklessly?  How am I living recklessly?”

“Come on, Barbara.  I know how much money Alfred has.  How much he makes in a fucking day.  It’s obscene.  In one day, that man is going to make my entire year’s salary.  And you don’t think I’m going to jump at the chance to blackmail that asshole?”

“What has he…what have I ever done to you to deserve this?” I said dejectedly.

“You’re part of the problem, Barb.  It’s not you, it’s just your life.  It’s the whole problem with America.  With the world.  You rich motherfuckers.  Bankers.  Holding the world hostage.  Keeping the poor, poor and the rich getting richer.  You would just as soon watch the world burn, just so you can put another wing on your mansion.”

“Goddammit,” I said, smacking the dashboard. “Why are we even talking about this?!  Chrissy?  I thought you were my friend…this is about you betraying my trust.”