Torn (4 page)

“Here’s your water.” Placing the water on the
bedside table, I sat down behind her. “What can I do for you,
babe?”

“Nothing, I’ll be fine. I just need sleep,”
she mumbled, never turning to look at me

Feeling helpless was a new emotion, one I
didn’t care for in the least. Gently, I ran the backside of my hand
up and down her spine before leaning back against the headboard.
Trying to give her a little comfort, I lay down, curled up behind
her, and placed my hand on our daughter squirming around in her
mother’s abdomen. “I’ve got you.”

Leila cried harder for a few minutes until
her sobs no longer racked her tiny, swollen body. Once I realized
she was sleeping, I slipped out of the bed, took my phone out of my
suit jacket, and placed it on the charger near the sitting area. I
grabbed a pillow off the bed, lay down on the couch, and pulled the
soft gray afghan over me. Sleep wasn’t hard fought on this
night.

Her whispering woke me up about nine a.m.
Sitting up, I stretched my neck trying to rid it of the terrible
knot I had developed.

“I’m sorry I woke you, I was trying to be
quiet. I just wanted to call the hospital and get an update.” Leila
sat cross-legged in the bed.

“It’s okay. What did they say?”

“Same.” Her eyes looked so sad. “No
change.”

“What time did you get up?” A yawn muffled my
question.

“Not long ago. You know I can’t sleep too
long without having to use the bathroom.” She smiled, hugging her
arms around her pregnant stomach.

“I’m going to shower real quick, then I’ll
make us some breakfast. After that, we can drive back over to the
hospital. Sound good?” I asked, strolling into the closet.

“Yeah, sounds good. I’ll do my thing while
you’re cooking.”

Stripping out of the clothes I slept in, I
crossed the room to the bathroom in my boxer briefs. Noticing along
the way that her eyes watched my every move, I turned the shower
on, grabbed a fresh towel, and stepped out of my boxers. When I
turned to throw the boxers in the hamper I wanted to see her
standing in the doorway, but the doorway was empty.

Once I was showered and dressed, I went
downstairs to find Jane already making waffles. Leila loved
waffles. Jane always knew just what to do, and this gesture would
mean the world to Leila.

“Thank you, Jane. I was just coming down to
cook some breakfast. Honestly, I’m glad I don’t have to, I’m still
exhausted.” I took the cup of coffee she had ready and waiting for
me.

“Didn’t get much sleep, huh?” she asked as
she poured more batter into the waffle press.

“Not really, I slept on the couch in my room.
I wanted to give Leila some space.”

“Have you two sat down and talked yet? She
needs to know how you feel and you need to know what she
wants.”

Running a hand through my wet hair, I messed
it up further. “I know I do and I was going to tell her last night.
I wanted to ask her to move back in here with me and to give us
another chance, but before I could, Barb called. You know the
rest,” I said as I opened the
New York
Times
.

“Do I smell waffles?” Hearing Leila’s voice
coming down the staircase, I realized I had read the same article
for the third time. She padded down the wide hallway into the
kitchen and right up to Jane. “Oh you always know exactly how to
make me feel just a little bit better, don’t you?”

Releasing Lei from the tight embrace, Jane
said, “I figured y’all would be hungry after missing dinner last
night.” Lei’s eyes darted to the dining room. “Don’t worry, dear, I
took care of everything.”

Leila gave Jane a small smile. “Thank
you.”

“Go sit and I’ll bring you a waffle. Your
juice is already on the table in the dining room. Brody, why don’t
y’all sit in there and enjoy the morning sun.” Jane being not so
subtle. “Oh and leave the paper, dear. It’s rude to read at the
breakfast table when you have company.”

“Of course.” I picked up my coffee, and
followed the mother of my child as she grinned all the way to the
dining room.

After Jane brought in the waffles, maple
syrup, and sausage, she excused herself and took Ruger out for
stroll.

Simultaneously we both began to talk. “Sorry,
go ahead.” Lei smiled and took another bite.

“I know this is probably the worst timing and
you are obviously distracted with everything that has happened
yesterday, but I need to say this.” I took a deep breath.
Here goes nothing
. “Lei, I love you. I know
I’ve said it before and I know I’ve screwed us up royally. I hope
not beyond repair. We have a child on the way and I want to give
her the loving family that I had.

“I want her childhood to be filled with two
parents who love each other and make each other happy. Before I
messed everything up, we had that. We would have been the
picture-perfect family. We still can be. I can’t promise I’m not
going to screw up again or that we won’t fight, because we will.
It’s part of being in a relationship. My dad always said if you
aren’t fighting some then you aren’t communicating.”

She looked up from her plate with misty eyes.
“Brody—”

“Wait, I’m not done. I know you still love
me. I felt it the other day when I kissed you, but I also know you
care for him. I’m not naïve. I don’t have some bullshit fantasy
about you falling into my arms and saying you don’t love him and
that you want to be with me. This is a hard decision for you, I get
that, but I need you to make that decision, Leila.” I stood up and
knelt in front of her. “I want you to choose me. Let me take care
of you and our little girl. Let me give you everything you’ve ever
dreamed of having.”

For a minute the dining room was terrifyingly
quiet.

“I’m not gonna lie, yeah, some part of me
still loves you and that will probably never change. I know you
would give us the world, but I’m in love with Jaxon.” Hanging my
head in defeat, I slowly rose and sat back down in my chair. “Wait,
don’t do that. Please let me finish, Brody.”

Staring straight ahead, not making eye
contact, I slumped back in the chair. “Go ahead.”

“I didn’t set out to fall in love with him,
it just happened…over time. Seeing him yesterday just made me
realize that I can’t live without him. And I am so sorry this hurts
you. I never wanted to hurt you, Brody, but I have to be honest
with you and myself. I can’t keep living here in our little pretend
world as if Jaxon doesn’t exist and that I’m not in love with him.
I care about you and I do love you, but the way I love you has
changed. You will always be a part of my life. You’re the father of
my child.” Tears slipped down her face as she tore my beating heart
from my chest.

This can’t be
happening.

“I wish I could tell you I’m happy for you
and that I wish you happiness with him, but I’d be lying. Maybe
eventually I can get there, but not right now.” I stood and moved
away from the table. “I’m sorry, I just can’t be here right now.” I
exited the house through the doorway to the veranda. I had to get
away from her. I needed to get away period. Escaping to the barn, I
had hoped to miss Jane and go for a ride to clear my mind, but
today the universe decided to fuck with me. Opening the tack room
door, I practically walked right into her.

Just. Fucking. Great.

“Brody, I didn’t expect to see you down here.
What are you doing, dear?” She stepped back, allowing my
entrance.

“Yeah well, I didn’t expect to be here
either, but here I am. I was going to go for a ride.” I was short
and growled, but this way she wouldn’t ask any questions. “But I
just remembered I have to take Leila to the hospital. Can you
please let her know I’ll be there in just a minute?”

“Of course, and I’m here whenever you want to
talk about it.”

Nodding, I exited the way I came in and
walked into the stables. The smell of the horses mixed with the
aroma of hay and sweet feed took me to another place and time. A
time when my mother would drag me down here to learn some
responsibility. She would tell me that taking care of a horse would
teach me some patience and compassion. Apparently, even as a
teenager I was demanding and callous. As usual, she was right;
being around the horses and the barn calmed me, brought me
peace.

*****

Leila

Watching him walk away, hurting and
devastated, just about killed me. I could literally feel the pain
coming off him in shockwaves. With each step he took, the divide in
my chest tore a little more. When the door to the veranda slammed
shut, my steel resolve shattered. I sat there staring at the
half-eaten plate of waffles, and my cheeks tingled with anguish.
Catching sight of the massive diamond engagement ring that sat on
my hand didn’t help the remorse.

The guilt I was swimming in threatened to
swallow me whole. Sitting there at the table, I turned to look at
the empty chair he’d sat in moments before when he laid his heart
at my feet and I kicked dirt on it, picked it up, and handed it
back.

I hated that I hurt him. Even through
everything that happened, I never once thought to exact revenge or
retaliate against him.

The door creaked, pulling me from my
thoughts. “Brody will be right up to take you to the hospital.”

Looking over my shoulder at Jane, I said,
“Okay, thanks.” Sniffling, I quickly grabbed the cloth napkin and
blotted my tearstained cheeks.

“Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong? What happened?”
Jane frowned sympathetically. “Here, give me that. You’ve got
mascara everywhere.”

I handed her the soft white cloth. “I just
literally blew his whole freakin’ world to shit, Jane. He told me
he loved me and asked me to pick him and what do I do? I tell him I
love Jaxon and that I want to be with Jaxon, that I don’t love him
the same way anymore.”

Cradling my head to her chest, Jane tried to
comfort me. “Shh, shh, shhhhh. It’s okay honey, it’s all gonna be
okay.”

I pulled back and stood. “No it’s not. You
didn’t see him. The way he looked at me when I told him, I broke
his heart. It killed me to do it, but I had to be honest with
him.”

“We all have our own paths, Leila. You have
to walk yours and be true to yourself. We don’t know what tomorrow
holds, we just have to follow the path and have faith in God. When
we get to the end of the path and look back, all of the unanswered
prayers will make sense. He never said it would be easy, just that
it would be worth it.”

“Thank you, Jane.” I gave her hand a squeeze
before I turned to clean up our breakfast plates.

“Leave it. Brody will be here any second and
will want to leave immediately. It’s best not to make him wait
right now.”

“You’ve seen him?”

She nodded. “Down at the barn.”

“You’ll keep an eye on him and take care of
him when I’m gone, right? I don’t want him to start drinking again
and become that person you told me about.”

“Like he was my own, dear.” She smiled
sweetly then started clearing the table.

“Leila, I’m ready to go,” Brody bellowed from
the front foyer.

“Guess that’s my cue. I’ll see you later
today.” Using my index fingers, I wiped any leftover smudges
away.

“Try and have a good day honey.”

Chapter Four

Jaxon

I fought through the thick, dark fog, trying
to get to her. I heard her pleading and begging me to open my
eyes.

I tried so hard, willing my eyes to open to
see her gorgeous face and those soft auburn curls. She was my
world. I’d give up everything to keep her beside me. I’d walk away
from everything I knew with no regrets, if it was her I was walking
to. I had never thought there’d come a day when I’d want someone
more than I wanted my next breath, but she had become my air. Leila
and our daughter
were
my next breath.

Yep, I’ve become a total
pussy
. But if that meant I had her, I didn’t give two fucks.
She was worth every moment of the ridicule I’d taken from the club
over the last several months.

“Please open your eyes, baby.” Her voice was
soft and velvety, but it was slowly fading away. “Jaxon, you have
to wake up. I can’t do this without you. You are my whole life. We
need you. Please, baby.” She paused. “Drake, why isn’t he awake
yet?”

Then I heard another voice. “Lei, I told you
as much as I know. His body has been through a tremendous ordeal.
We lost him multiple times. He’s fighting to recover and he’s not
out of the woods yet, baby girl.”

What. The. Fuck.

Lost him multiple
times.

What the hell was going on here? I thought
back, trying to remember what happened, and then it hit me like a
freight train. The run had gone to shit. The buyers showed up
without the money and the Cartel were pissed. I took two in the
chest.

Oh fuck. I was the “him” they lost.

I tried to scream I was here, but nothing
happened. All of a sudden I heard something beeping like crazy,
then voices again.

“His BP and heart rate are spiking. Sheila,
get me one and a half of Dilaudid and five of Nitropress. Lei, you
gotta…”

Everything slowly got further and further
away. I succumbed to the fog yet again.

Chapter Five

Leila

It had been almost two days since Jaxon’s
surgery and he was still unconscious. I spent as much time at his
bedside as I could, but Brody refused to let me stay overnight.
Even though I had destroyed his dream of us being together, he was
still taking care of me, insisting I needed to remember our
daughter, and that Jaxon would want me to take care of myself. I
relented last night, but I wasn’t sure if I could bear to leave
Jaxon again. Jane was gracious enough to drop me off this morning
since Brody was gone before I woke up. He sent a text not too long
ago saying he would pick me up at the same time he did
yesterday.