Torn (22 page)

"Actually I've
spent so much of my life trying to hide the unusual aspects of my
nature, it's usually second nature. For some reason, I forget myself
around you."

Her pulse peaked
slightly. She was obviously in the grip of some emotion, and based
on the tentative way she was looking out at the darkness, it wasn't
joy.

"Are they out
there waiting now?"

I shook my head,
wishing that the truth was capable of consoling her.

"No, I'd already
have come and carried you away if any of Brandon's people were
around. Barring that, you'd hear us fighting. Mere doors and
windows wouldn't do much to muffle the sound."

"You'd be
fighting, because of me."

Even in what had to be
the most terrifying night of her life, she was still worried about
the impact to the pack, the impact to me. It was stupid, I'd already
touched her too much tonight, but I reached out and took her
shoulders in my hands.

"Please don't
try and take the blame for this. We've been on a collision course
with Brandon's pack for years."

Apparently my touch
had made her uncomfortable. We stood in silence for several seconds
and then she finally found something to break the awkwardness.

"I can't sleep.
I've been trying, but I'm too wound up to do anything but just lie
there. I thought I'd come downstairs and talk to you instead. I
mean unless it's bothering you. You know, keeping you from
patrolling or something."

Bothering me indeed.
It was good she didn't realize just how far gone I was. Earlier
words notwithstanding, she'd have been repulsed if she'd realized
just how badly I wanted to be with her.

"No, you're not
bothering me in the slightest. Jasmin or Isaac either one could
easily keep watch. Our sense of smell and hearing are good enough
that it's all but impossible for even other wolves to catch us
unawares. They're here more in the role of bodyguards. If Brandon's
people do show up, it'll likely take all three of us to get you away
safely."

"So you don't
mind? You'll stay here and talk to me?"

Now that she'd
actually made the offer I found my sense of duty kicking back in.
She didn't understand what she was asking. I cast about for an
excuse.

"I'm not sure
that's the best idea. You really need your sleep. The whole purpose
of this little exercise is to convince your mom you've been safely
home this entire time. If you crash later in the day, she's going to
know you didn't sleep tonight."

"Maybe if you
stayed with me it would help me sleep."

"That doesn't
strike me as being a much better solution."

The words came out
harsher than I'd meant them to. She backed away in embarrassment and
despite the fact it would increase my agony when I finally sent her
away, I did the only thing I could think of to ease her discomfort.

"I'm sorry; that
didn't come out as intended. If it would help you sleep of course
I'll come upstairs and sit with you. It's the least I can do after
allowing you to be dragged into this mess."

I followed her
upstairs, let her get comfortable in her bed and then sat on the
floor as I turned off the lights. If I had to be teased with her
presence, at least I could put some physical distance between us.

We exchanged some
small talk, and then she got to what I expected was the real reason
she'd invited me up.

"What...I mean
you're all so different..."

She'd almost
recovered, but when the most effective way of lying remaining to your
kind was to allow someone to believe you'd said something other than
you really had, a person got very good at listening to exactly what
had been said.

"I think you
meant to ask what I am."

She nodded, barely
visible in the darkness, and I felt my heart speed up slightly at
just how beautiful she was. There was so much she couldn't know, but
apparently I was willing to sell my soul in this as well. Anything
to spend a few more minutes with her. Even if the knowledge I was
imparting potentially put her in even greater danger.

"We share a
little in common with a bunch of different legends, but none get it
quite right. In short, we're shape shifters, people who can take the
form of animals."

"You mean like
werewolves?"

Even the full
knowledge her question came from ignorance didn't save me from the
surge of anger as she used the most ancient insult known to my
people. She had no way of knowing how different we were from the
mindless killing machines that we'd spent millennium trying to
exterminate.

I brought myself back
under control just enough to answer her.

"No, not like
werewolves."

"Did I say
something wrong?"

The uncertainty, the
near-hurt in her voice brought my humanity back to the fore. The
rage dissolved, allowing me to answer her with more gentleness.

"No, you've
nothing to feel sorry about. I should tell you though that calling a
shape shifter a werewolf is the kind of insult that nearly always
results in a fight, and often even a death."

She gasped. It was so
hard to remember that she wasn't part of my terrible world. It felt
like she was the missing piece of my life, but that didn't mean she
felt the same way, that she truly belonged with me.

"I'm sorry; I
didn't mean to scare you. I forget sometimes how much more violent
my world is."

Her face broke into a
smile again, and I wished I had my paints with me. It would be a
very long time, if ever before I found myself painting anything that
didn't include her as its subject, but another image needed started
before I could think of recording this part of the night.

"That's better;
I much prefer the happy Adri face to the scared Adri."

"Wait, you could
see me smile? I guess that all follows, better hearing, better
sense of smell. Of course you'd have better vision too."

She paused for just a
moment and then launched into one of the things that I shouldn't tell
her about.

"Sorry, it's just
that this all makes me think of these amazing dreams I've been having
since I arrived. I'm transported to various places, but in every
case I can hear and smell better than I can in real life. Not only
that, everything is glowing. Only that isn't the right word for it.
Mostly there's just light coming out of the people and the plants and
animals. It's so beautiful. Funny your having more acute senses
would make me think of that."

How would she feel
about knowing that we'd been sharing our dreams? Would it lend
itself to her feeling the same kind of bond I felt, or would she feel
intruded upon?

"It's bordering
on stuff I shouldn't tell you, but you deserve to know. You've just
described exactly how we perceive the world. The colors are all more
vibrant, the breeze is more alive with scents than anyone could ever
know."

Her breathing had just
sped up. Did she understand what I was implying?

"Your paintings.
That explains them. You were superimposing what you see over top of
what someone like me would see. Only how would you know what things
look like to us?"

Had I covered the
painting I'd done of her before I'd left to confront Jasmin? Was she
trying to give me the chance to come clean? I forced a false measure
of gaiety into my voice.

"You are
amazing. Anyone else waking up in a strange place would've run away
as soon as they regained consciousness. At the very least, you
should have started screaming. Instead you wander around, take in
some rather feeble attempts at art, and then sneak out without saying
a word."

She stuck out her
tongue at me and I felt myself breathe a little easier.

"Hey, my
survival instincts, or lack thereof aren't the point. Stop trying to
distract me."

"I suppose I
deserved that. It's just more than a little unsettling how quickly
you're putting pieces together. There really are things that aren't
safe for you to know. Among them, the reason why it isn't safe for
you to know them. To answer your question, I wasn't always like
this. When I was younger I saw exactly the way that you do. Even
now, my vision is more like yours when I'm in this form. I still see
incredibly well, and there's just the slightest hint of light from
living things, but nothing like what you saw in the dreams."

She nodded once more
in the darkness as the pieces continued to snap into place for her.

"So you work
from memory mostly then? That and trying to make what you see when
you're in human form even more drab than what you really see?"

"That about sums
it up although I didn't really expect you to pick up on that last
part so quickly. You're remarkably perceptive."

She blushed at the
compliment and then retreated to more mundane subjects.

"So what does a
seventeen year old shape shifter spend his time doing?"

Finally something
safe. Something I could reveal without binding myself even more
tightly to her.

"Well, I spend a
ridiculous amount of time trying to keep my friends away from each
other's throats. We've got some pretty strong personalities, and
it's nearly a full time job stopping minor disagreements from boiling
over into something bigger. Apart from that, I spend an hour or two
every day vetting Donovan's management of the family assets. He does
an incredible job with everything, but even so, there are certain
things I have to approve myself."

"Who's Donovan?"

I laughed at the
absurdity of trying to answer that question. How could I explain a
man who I didn't completely understand myself. The man who'd raised
me, who'd found a love even more forbidden and impossible than mine.

"That's one of
the most difficult questions you've asked so far. He likes to call
himself our butler, but that doesn't even begin to describe him. He
does take care of most of the duties a typical butler would assume,
but he's also our financial manager, and long-time family friend.
I'm excited for you to meet him tomorrow. I think you'll like him."

"Yeah, but will
he like me?"

She sat up and I felt
a stab of pain as I realized I'd misspoken. She couldn't meet
Donovan because she needed to leave. I couldn't begin planning my
life around her because it wasn't safe for her here. I'd just cause
myself additional pain by pretending otherwise.

"Please lie back
down. You have to at least be trying to sleep. Otherwise I'm
heading back downstairs. And don't pout. It won't influence me in
the slightest."

"It's just
sooo
hard for my merely human ears to hear you from so far away. Maybe if
you were to move over here I wouldn't have to strain to catch every
word."

She dangled the
promise of closeness before me like the most expert hunter ever, but
I couldn't resent her. Not when I wanted so badly to touch her. It
was almost as though the Ja'tell bond had been reversed.

"Alright, I'll
come over and lean against your bed, but you really need to try and
sleep. You've got to be nearly exhausted."

"What about you
mister superhero shape shifter? You've been up longer than I have.
I'm not the only one who needs to sleep."

There it was, the
chance to try and tell her about the loneliness. I took the coward's
way as I so often did these days.

"That's actually
one of the benefits of my condition. I don't actually need normal
amounts of sleep. An hour or two per night is usually more than
enough."

"So you don't
need to sleep. What do you do with all the rest of your time?"

It was wrong for me to
want to kiss her, to imagine the feel of her skin against mine. I
shook my head to clear it.

"Well, I do
spend a fairly significant amount of time each day sitting in class.
Kind of like someone else I know."

"Unacceptable.
I've added that up in my head, and you've still got several hours
each day that you haven't accounted for."

She was finally
starting to fall asleep. Her voice had taken on the breathy, mumbled
quality of the truly tired. I let my voice creep down in volume,
hoping to coax her to sleep, praying the respite would give me
strength to do the right thing.

"I'm afraid that
really is the balance of my time. I spend time with Rachel of
course. Then there are a few odd minutes where I squeeze in some
reading, or a bit of painting."

"They're
beautiful. Best I've seen. Ever."

I smiled at the
compliment. It somehow meant more than the rest of the praise my
work had ever received.

"Thank you. I'm
afraid mostly all I see is the flaws. Even with the most perfect
subjects, I still generally somehow fail to capture their true
essence."

"But not all?"

"No, not all of
them."

Her breathing had
deepened and slowed. I waited several seconds, but she finally
mustered another sentence.

"Sounds
fulfilling. Busy, but fulfilling."

"It's always
seemed fulfilling. At least until recently."

She trailed off into
insensibility and I felt something inside me relax as I was finally
safe to be myself without fear of driving her away. I reached out
and gently ran my finger along the perfect line of her cheek, and
then told her sleeping form the truth.

"Somehow that
all changed after you arrived. Little by little I started to realize
just how empty my life really was. I wish I could come right out and
say it while you're awake. I don't want that life anymore. I don't
really want any life that doesn't involve you. The truth is, I've
fallen well and truly in love with you."

I passed the next
several hours in an odd combination of joy and torment. I was
exactly where I wanted to be, but watching the slow rise and fall of
Adri's chest only served to remind me that my world would just
destroy the sweet perfection dreaming only a few feet from me. I
slowly moved further and further away in an effort to wean myself off
her presence.