Touch Me Gently (10 page)

Kaden finger-combed his hair and got back to finishing up breakfast, barely managing to have it on the table by the time everyone arrived. He wasn’t really hungry after the storm of emotions that had run through him and just started washing the dishes that he’d used to make breakfast.

Logan sat at the table, eating slowly, still contemplating Kaden and trying to puzzle out what had just happened this morning. “You aren’t going to eat?” he questioned the teenager.

“I’m not really hungry right now. I’ll get something later, when I am.”

Logan could see that in the almost two months that the teenager had been on the ranch, he’d gained a small amount of weight. Enough to where his body had started to fill out in certain areas. It made him feel good to see that, and he hoped that Kaden wouldn’t revert back to not eating. After finishing up his meal, he stood to place his plate on the side of the kitchen sink. “We’ll be in around the same time as always. Stay out of Mantacor’s corral, Kaden. I mean it.” He gave Kaden a stern look, reaching out to lightly touch the pale skin of Kaden’s smooth cheek.

“I promise,” Kaden replied, giving him a tired smile.

“Good. I’ll see you at lunchtime, then.” Logan left, barking at his men to hurry up and finish so they could get started. They would remain at the ranch again today with more cattle to brand before transporting them back out on the range.

Kaden tried not to analyze the things that had happened or think about how he’d almost lost it in front of Logan. That had left a vile taste in the back of his throat. What would have happened if he hadn’t succeeded? It would have left Logan disgusted, for sure, to see him so desperately trying to ease the pain in his heart by causing physical pain on his body. Someone had once told him, a psychiatrist he’d been forced to see after—he shut that door in his mind quickly. She had told him that it was a way that the mind found to release its pain in a more physical form, and that even though you are hurting yourself, it shows that you are desperately trying to cling to life. In some ways it’s better because it shows that you aren’t totally ready to give up on life yet. She’d told him that he needed to learn to control it, to control himself, one day at a time. Since that day at the pond, he’d only done it once, because every time he’d picked up a razor or knife thereafter, he saw Shea and Logan’s face that day, pleading with him not to do it. He hadn’t wanted to disappoint them, so he’d managed to control it, but how long would it be before he did it again?

The dishes didn’t take long, and then he was outside in the early sunshine to visit Mantacor. This time he stayed out of the corral and just patted and spoke to him while the horse munched on the treats he’d brought with him. “Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t kill myself that night, too, Mantacor. It would have eased the world of a burden like me. And I wouldn’t be here, causing trouble for Logan and Shea.”

Kaden laughed lightly as Mantacor nuzzled at his neck, tickling the hair at the base. “Well, at least I know you care about me, huh? Thank you for yesterday, boy. I understand what you were trying to do, and I haven’t felt that safe in a very long time.”

Unaware of the ears nearby that were listening, Kaden stayed there with Mantacor for a while longer. Before heading back inside, he promised the horse to come back again later. Shea stepped out of the shadows of the barn and watched him walking into the house, her green eyes sad at having heard his words. The first thing he’d said had registered in her mind, and she wondered what he had meant by that. Had Kaden killed someone? Was that what caused that deep wound in his soul? Shea spun on the heel of her boot and dashed to the corral where the cattle were kept before being either shipped for sale or herded back out onto the range. She needed to speak to her brother. The depth of despair in Kaden’s voice had disturbed her greatly. Something had obviously happened to trigger his depression, and she wondered if that something had to do with Logan.

Kaden had just poured himself a glass of lemonade when he heard the sound of men approaching outside. He grinned at the familiar noise and waited anxiously to see Logan. He noticed something off as soon as Logan came into the house, from the way the man wouldn’t look at him, and the way he chose to sit in the dining room with the ranch hands instead of with Kaden like he always did. His heart wrenched in his chest, and he wondered what had happened between that morning and now. The appetite that had only returned that morning fled, and he escaped down the hall to his bedroom, closing the door with a soft click behind him. He leaned against it, swallowing convulsively to keep from sobbing. The unshed tears built up behind his eyes, and his head started to pound with tension. He closed his eyes, slumping down to the ground, and cradled his head in his palms. His eyes burned as he sat there trying to keep from falling apart.

Eventually, the sounds of men talking, silverware hitting dishes and chairs scraping the floor faded as the hands returned to their work. He slowly dragged himself up and went out into the kitchen to begin cleaning up and preparing the dinner meal. His back was stiff as he worked, and he became so lost in his despair that he didn’t hear Shea enter the room behind him.

“Kaden?” she queried softly, studying his dejected form.

Kaden jumped, but only slightly, and he gazed at her, eyes dull. “Hey, Shea.”

“What’s wrong?” she exclaimed, her stomach clenching at the pained expression in Kaden’s eyes.

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just tired. Did you need something?” Kaden swung back to the sink to continue washing dishes, hardly seeing what he was really doing, just going through the motions.

Shea didn’t understand why Kaden seemed as though the world had suddenly fallen onto his shoulders, and decided to let it be for now. When he wanted to talk, he’d tell her. “No, I didn’t need anything, Kaden. I’m going out for a while, I’ll be back later.” She turned and left, headed into town to see her friend.

After making sure that everything had been prepared to cook the dinnertime meal, Kaden went back into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him and locking it. He lay across the bed, his heart thudding painfully in his chest. What had he done? His fingers clenched in the sheets around him as he tried to control his desire to cut. The urge clawed at him, devouring his self-control, demanding and taunting him. He could hear the voice in his head telling him to do it, to stop the pain in his heart. Reaching into the nightstand beside the bed, he withdrew the small penknife he had, staring at it as the silver blade flashed in the light from the window. He sat up, his back against the headboard, and lowered the blade to his wrist, making a small incision, watching the blood well up, beading on his skin and beginning to spill over. Small drops landed on his bed sheets, but he ignored them, making another small cut, and another, and another.

Relief, blessed relief, flooded his heart, and he closed his eyes, breathing in and out softly. He lay there, crimson spreading across the leg of his jeans and the sheet beneath him, as the physical pain chased away the emotional ache. The world around him faded into nothing, his eyes opening but not really seeing the white walls around him. The sounds of someone coming into the house brought him out of the euphoric trance that he’d fallen into, and he scrambled off the bed, dropping the penknife on the floor in his haste to get to the bathroom to rinse off the blood. Shame at his lack of control devastated him, and hot tears trickled from his eyes, trailing down his cheeks as he washed his arm before wrapping it in gauze. He went back out into the bedroom to his closet to dig out the wristband from his duffel bag, where he’d stuffed it after taking it off last time. He knew they would know. The band snapped into place with a resounding clunk, almost like a shackle. He quickly threw on another pair of jeans, stuffing the stained ones into his bag.

Kaden stripped the sheets from his bed, wincing at how the blood had stained through to the mattress. The blankets were in the hall closet just outside his door, and he cautiously opened it, peering out to see if whoever had entered the house had left yet. Hearing no noises, he slipped out and hurriedly grabbed the first available sheets, sneaking back into his room and shutting the door again. He made short work of making the bed, and stood there, his lungs laboring from the panic setting in. What had he done? He saw the penknife on the floor and slowly bent over to pick it up, wincing at the red that stained the blade. He carefully placed it in the nightstand, shutting the drawer as quietly as possible, as though making any sound would shatter him.

“Oh, Kaden
, you didn’t!” he heard Shea exclaim behind him as he stood at the kitchen sink, wincing at her words and knowing what she meant.

He gripped the edge of the sink, hard. “I told you I’d try, Shea. I’m sorry.” His voice came out rough, and he tensed when he felt her arms slide around his waist from behind and her forehead lean against his back.

“Why, Kaden?”

“The physical pain hurts less than the emotional pain.” He repeated the words he’d used at the pond.

They stood there for what could have been minutes or even hours, both unaware of the passage of time. Finally, Kaden couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Shea… did I do something to upset Logan?” An uncertain tone entered his voice.

“No. Of course not, Kaden. Why would you think that?” Shea asked in bewilderment. “Is that why you cut yourself? Because you think he’s upset with you?”

Kaden gave a small nod, looking down into the sink. “He… wouldn’t even… look at me at lunch. He… normally sits with me. I….” His voice caught in his throat, and he stopped speaking.

“Oh, Kaden.” She couldn’t believe her stupid, pig-headed brother would be so insensitive. Logan had overreacted yet again. “I’ll talk to Logan and find out what’s going on.”

“No!” He panicked, pushing away from her. “No. Don’t. It’s fine. If he… regrets anything, then I have to live with that. It’s fine. I’ll go back to New York when the three months are up, and I’ll be fine.” Instantly, Kaden knew he’d just lied to Shea. His life would never be the same again. Logan had done something no one else ever had. The big, gentle cowboy had reached inside him and jump-started his heart again. Leaving Logan would mean leaving a huge part of himself here.

“Don’t talk like that. Logan invited you to stay here, and that’s what you’re going to do.” Shea glared at him, her hands on her hips.

He gave her a weak smile at the way she looked standing there, her hair wild around her face and her eyes flashing angrily, a stubborn expression on her face. “We’ll see, Shea. Please don’t tell Logan about this.” He pointed at his wrist. “I am just going to go into my room until everyone finishes eating. I can’t take being yelled at right now. And I’m sure he will, that is if he still cares enough to.”

“He cares,” Shea protested, but Kaden just sadly shook his head and went back to finishing up the dinner preparations.

Kaden did as he had told Shea, disappearing into his bedroom until he heard the last man leave and Logan’s boots on the stairs. The lights were out when he left his room, and he flicked on the one in the kitchen, starting the hot water up to fill the sink. He trudged back and forth between the dining room and the kitchen, placing the plates on the counter. In the middle of washing, he heard a noise behind him, he turned his head slightly to see Logan standing in the doorway in nothing but a pair of jeans, his sandy blond hair damp from his shower. Tensing, he turned his head back to the dishes, trying to keep his wrist from view. He had no idea how long the man had stood there, so he couldn’t be sure if Logan had already seen it or not.

Logan watched the boy’s thin back, not knowing what to say or how to apologize for hurting him like that. Shea had taken a chunk out of his hide, dragging him out of earshot of the ranch hands to give him a piece of her mind. She had told him about how Kaden had cut himself again because of his actions, and that Kaden had been so upset he’d spoken of leaving at the end of the three months. He knew he’d overreacted about what Shea told him the teenager had said to the horse. He’d been hurt, angry, and just plain frustrated. He wanted so badly for Kaden to trust him, and to open himself up to him, but he kept butting up against a brick wall, unable to break through and reach Kaden. But he’d never wanted to hurt him, ever. “Kaden, I—” He stopped, still not knowing what to say.

Kaden remained silent. The only sound in the room was the clatter of dishes as he washed and rinsed them, setting them in the rack to air-dry until he finished washing all of them. It remained the same until he pulled the plug from the sink, reaching for the towel to dry them. He’d just reached for the first dish when he felt Logan’s hands come down on his shoulders. He flinched, even though he tried to stop himself. Then those hands slid down and around his body, pulling him against the planes of Logan’s hard body. Logan buried his face in Kaden’s hair, and pleaded, “I’m sorry, Kaden. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

Astonishment washed over Kaden, and he couldn’t speak. He didn’t know what to say, and he felt Logan shudder behind him. “I made a mistake, and I’m sorry. I know that the way I treated you today was unforgivable, and I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but please, Kaden. I… don’t want to lose you.” Kaden jerked in surprise at the last part of Logan’s sentence.

He leaned back into Logan’s warm embrace and set the dish towel on the counter before turning around in Logan’s arms. He reached up and wrapped his arms around Logan’s neck and hugged him tightly, resting his cheek against Logan’s chest. He felt the big man’s breath ruffling the hair on his head and the way Logan’s strong arms flexed, surrounding him, pulling him harder against the cowboy.

Logan backed up, drawing Kaden with him until the back of his knees hit the chair behind him. He sat, bringing Kaden down into his lap without breaking the hold they had on one another. They sat like that in silence, no words exchanged, just embracing one another. Logan felt so guilty and ashamed of himself. He should have known better. He knew he had to explain why he reacted that way, and he started quietly, “Kaden?”

Kaden pulled back to look up at Logan in question and waited for the cowboy to speak. “I… want to tell you about our parents. I realized something this afternoon. That in order to gain your trust, I have to show you that you already have mine.”

The violet eyes looking so seriously up at him made Logan feel yet again ashamed of his overreaction to what Shea had told him this morning. “Since I can remember, my parents always fought. Constantly. Over every little thing in the world that they could find.”

“Bu… but they look so happy in those photos on the stairs!” Kaden couldn’t resist interrupting in shock.

Logan’s lips twisted in a bitter smile, and he answered the obvious question in Kaden’s words, “Appearances can be deceiving, Kaden. They showed an outward appearance of being a loving, caring couple. They’re the whole reason I made the decision to never marry. I’m hoping that Shea will decide for herself to marry that big lug Ty. But I can’t force her to. Anyway, for years, I always believed that’s how all families were. Smiling and happy in public, but at home, yelling and screaming. My father never hit my mother or even us kids, but the yelling scared the hell out of me and Shea. Sometimes I think he wanted to hit my mom but he couldn’t bring himself to.”

Kaden rested his head against Logan’s shoulder as the man spoke, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, and the fragrant soap on his skin. One hand lay trapped between their bodies and the other came up to rest against his broad chest as it rumbled with Logan’s words. It made him sad to hear that Logan’s parents really weren’t as happy as they seemed in the pictures on the stairs. He’d thought that Logan had been so lucky to be blessed with such a wonderful family.

“At that time, my dad owned the local garage, so we lived in town instead of out here. Several times the neighbors called in the sheriff, but without actual physical abuse there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it. The fighting eventually stopped, just after I turned eighteen. I came home from school to find my mother and father dead. Apparently, my father had shot her, and then turned the gun on himself in his grief at what he’d done.”

A gasp ripped from Kaden’s throat, and he reared back to gaze in horror at Logan. He lifted his hand to rest it against Logan’s cheek. “I’m so sorry.” His breath rushed out of him with a small squeak when Logan squeezed him tightly, burying his face in the side of Kaden’s neck.

“It’s all right. Both Shea and I have come to accept it as best we could, and we’ve managed to move on with our lives in most ways. My parents left us well-provided for because of my mother’s life insurance policy, and we sold the garage. Neither of us wanted it. We both agreed to buy this ranch and make a go of it. It’s grown and prospered a lot since then.” Logan hesitated for only a split second before adding, “And now I have you,” the last whispered against the skin of Kaden’s throat. Logan couldn’t stop himself from pressing his lips over the pulse beating at the base of his neck, feeling Kaden shudder in his arms.

Kaden stroked Logan’s hair, the words uttered just seconds ago resounding in his head. Would Logan think that if he knew the truth about him? Logan pulled back to smile down at him. “I am truly sorry for what I put you through today. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I should have known better. Even though it’s no excuse, my only reason for my actions is because Shea overheard you talking to Mantacor. Telling him that no one else cared about you, and that you wished you had killed yourself. I felt… hurt and angry that you didn’t understand how much I care about you.”

When Kaden heard Logan explain to him that Shea had overheard his words to Mantacor, he’d thought she’d understood everything he’d said, but from what the way that Logan said it, it didn’t appear to be so. Now he felt guilty for hurting Logan, and he leaned up to kiss Logan softly, hesitantly, waiting to see if Logan would return it. He almost fainted from relief when Logan kissed him back, their lips moving over each other in a tender caress.

“I’m sorry, Logan. I do understand that you care about me. You’ve never treated me any other way than with kindness and affection. And”—he looked down at his hands—“I don’t want you to be upset, but right now, talking about my past hurts. I promise that when I feel I am ready, I will tell you, but… I’m so afraid that once you know everything about me, you won’t want me anymore.” His voice lowered to a mere hum of sound as he continued, and Logan almost didn’t hear the latter part of his sentence.

“I don’t care if you’re a convict on the run from the law, or you steal cars for a living, or you were a high-paid escort in your past, Kaden. You’re beautiful as you are, and all of that is your past, not your present, or your future.” Logan cupped Kaden’s cheek, forcing his eyes to meet his. “I like you for you, Kaden. Everything before isn’t what you are. It’s what has made you who you are.”

He paused, wondering if he should say it, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from uttering his next words. “And I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Kaden’s eyes widened, and his body stiffened. What had he just said? “I… I….” He didn’t know what to say or how to respond. Did he feel that way about Logan? Could he ever be free from his past to be able to love him like he deserved?

Logan let out a small laugh, and ran the thumb of his hand still cupping Kaden’s cheek over his skin in a caress. “It’s all right. You don’t have to respond right now. I understand if you can’t bring yourself to feel the same way. But I won’t stop from trying to capture your heart.” The last was said with such confidence that it sounded like a promise.

Before Kaden could say another word, Logan kissed him again, and again, leaving him senseless and breathless when he set him in one of the empty kitchen chairs. Logan’s chest heaved with each breath he pulled into his lungs and there were drops of sweat on his forehead. When the cowboy stood, Kaden flushed bright red, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree, when his eyes narrowed in on the obvious bulge in Logan’s jeans. Logan smirked and leaned over to drop a kiss on top of Kaden’s head. “Good night, little one. I’ll see you in the morning. Get some sleep, okay?” Kaden nodded dumbly in response.