Toward the Sound of Chaos (23 page)

“You
know if you had told me sooner we could have been here for his training so that
Jake wouldn’t have to come to the house.”

“And
miss out on all that sexual tension? Hell no. You forget, sugar, that up until
the last month I was living vicariously through you.”

“Bitches!”
Spence shouts again.

I
shoot him a look that he misses because he’s too busy sniffing his new dog’s
butt. “Spence, what did we talk about? Remember there are adult words and kid
words.” I lower my voice a fraction, “Bitches is not a kid word, and stop doing
that.”

“Dogs
sniff one another’s butts. It’s how they say hello.”

“I
know, honey, but you are not a dog, you’re a people, and people do not sniff
butts.” I turn back to Olivia. “I see what you’re doing here, and it isn’t
going to work.”

“We’ll
see.” She grins wickedly. “My money’s on the Marine.”

I
shake my head in disappointment. “What does that even mean?”

“We
have a little pool going down at the Sister’s Bakery. That boy is crazy about
you. He’s been miserable since you left him.”

“I
didn’t leave him, he—”

She
shuts me up with a glare. “Girl, you left him high and dry.”

“No
I didn’t. He looks just fine to me.”

“Then
you ain’t looking hard enough. Way I see it, you got two choices. You take a
chance and let him in again, or you and me take on the world together, these
two old biddies with more dogs and cats than county law will allow any pair of
jilted spinsters to own.” She gently squeezes my arm. “Honey, I know you’ve had
a tough year, what with Jimmy and Mr. Williams, and yes, even Jake. But that
boy brought you to life again. You really wanna go and throw that all away?”

I
sigh, not knowing what to say to that. Of course there’s a legion of excuses
right on the very tip of my tongue, but I can’t get into those with Spencer
here.

“I
don’t know what I want, Liv. All I know is that I’m tired of working this hard.
I’m stretched so thin I don’t know if I’m even here anymore. I just can’t deal
with Jake Tucker right now.”

“When
will be a good time for you to deal with him? Living is work, Ellie; love is
work.”

“Maybe
it shouldn’t be,” I say impatiently. Why is she pushing so hard? “If it’s meant
to be, it should be easy.”

“Who
told you that? Disney?” She looks askance. “Honey, anything worth having is
worth fightin’ for, and let me tell you right now, that man is worth fightin’
for.”

“Then
maybe you should date him,” I say childishly.

“Maybe
I would, if he weren’t in love with someone else.”

I
frown. This annoys me more than I care to admit, but I can see she’s proving a
point because she raises her eyebrow with a smirk as if to say
see
?

I
shake my head. “Are we done here?”

“For
now,” she remarks, and walks over to Spencer. “Congratulations, Spencer. You’re
now the proud owner of Sergeant Nutter Butters here.”

“Bitches!”

“Spencer,”
I admonish.

At
the same time, Olivia nods in agreement and says, “Bitches. You be good now,
Nutters.” She pats his head and he closes his eyes in the way dogs do when you
find a really good spot on your path to ear-scratch doggy heaven.

“He
will.” Spence throws his arms around her. For a stunned moment Olivia and I
just stare at one another, and then he makes a beeline for the door. Nutters
follows behind, his lead trailing along the ground. I give Liv one last
semi-reproachful look and snatch up the dog’s lead as we push out into the
parking lot.

***

Several
long, tedious hours later, the bell rings. Nutters and Spence had been lying on
the rug, cuddled up together, but the two of them jump up and race one another
to the door.

“Spencer
Mason, what did I tell you about runnin’ around on the leg?”

“To
not to,” he replies. Nutters parks in front of the door, barking at the person
on the other side.

I
check my reflection in the hall mirror again and give up on trying to look nice
for him. Thanks to a completely off afternoon in the kitchen making Jake’s
favorites, I wound up falling asleep because it was so quiet with Spence and
Nutters chilling on the floor.

I
let Spence open the door, because I know he’s excited about seeing Jake. I
guess he’s not the only one. Nutters’s tail is wagging so fast, he could be a
little doggy helicopter.

“Jake,”
Spence shouts, as if he’s surprised to see him. He and Nutters rush forward and
Jake and Nuke are swallowed up by affection from the two of them. He gives me
that same pleasantly astonished look that Olivia had earlier today, and I just
shrug. My son didn’t like to be touched, and yet here he is hugging not one,
but two people in one day. Spencer darts off to the living room and Nutters
follows.

“Hey.”
Jake offers up a warm smile.

“Hi,”
I say, grinning back. I’m sure I look like a loon.

“Smells
good in here.” He reaches out to touch my cheek, gently brushing his thumb over
my skin. I let out a strangled gasp. “You had a little flour on your cheek
there.” Jake moves past me, into the living room, while I’m left standing in
the hallway wondering if that tightening in my lady parts was actually my
ovaries fist bumping one another.

“Alright,
boys, you two ready for boot camp?” Jake says, as I follow them into the living
room.

Spence
raises his hand to his forehead in a spirited salute. “Sir. Yes, sir.”

“March,”
Jake commands pointing to the backyard. Spence speeds away as fast as his
little legs can carry him, out the door and into the yard, followed closely by
Nutters. Nuke stays by Jake’s side, and I wonder if he’s picking up the awkward
tension between us.

“You
coming?”

Not
yet, but give me time.

“Er
. . . yeah, of course.” I stumble over my words and the corner of Jake’s mouth
turns up just a fraction of an inch. I follow them onto the back deck, staring
at Jake’s ass the whole time. Then I take a seat and watch, Nuke stretched out
at my feet. Jake demonstrates all of the hand signals and Spencer studies the
movements like a hawk. My boy is a quick study, always has been, and soon he
asks Jake for more signals, more information, more everything. He’s like a
little sponge, soaking it all up, and I know I made the right decision.

After
Jake announces that they’re done for the day, I head inside and grab some
cookies from the bench and place them on the table. I’m bending over at the
fridge, pulling the pitcher of iced tea from the top shelf, when his
conversation with Spence comes to an abrupt halt. When I turn, his eyes are
dark and hooded and the bulge in the front of his jeans is more pronounced. I
swear I flush from the tips of my toes to the roots of my hair. I glance away
and move by him, but I swear I feel his predatory gaze follow me all the way to
my seat.

Spencer
drains his milk in three seconds flat and hands Nutters a couple of cookies
under the table when he thinks I can’t see. Jake does the same with Nuke, and
just this once I let them both get away with it because I figure it’s a special
treat on a special day.

After
a while, Spence and Nutters head for the lounge room floor again, and Jake and I
are left alone. With the exception of Nuke, who sits on the floor beside his
owner. He burrows his head into Jake’s lap, and Jake absentmindedly rubs his
ears.

“You
feelin’ alright?” I nod to the dog’s head in his lap.

“It
makes me uneasy, being here, being this close but unable to touch you.” He
traces his fingers over my forearm as it’s resting on the table and pulls me
towards him. “Have dinner with me.”

I
shake my head, wincing at how those words from his lips smart. I want to. God,
do I want to say yes to this man, but my head tells me no, and my heart can’t
be trusted.

His
smile fades, and I gently pull my hand from his grasp. Taking the pitcher of
iced tea, I put it back in the fridge and close the door. Jake brings the
glasses into the kitchen, and I take them from him and rinse them out in the
sink.

Big
arms wrap around my waist as he draws me against him.

I
gasp in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“I
know why you keep runnin’ from me, but I also know it’s pointless,” he murmurs
against the shell of my ear. “Eventually I’m gonna wear you down, angel. One
thing the military taught me is to never give up. So I’m giving you fair
warnin’—you best be prepared to wave that white flag of yours because I ain’t
giving up, I ain’t goin’ away, and I ain’t gonna let you slip through my
fingers again.” His hand slips lower, grazing my stomach and heading south. I
arch back into him and close my eyes as his erection grinds against my ass.
“You wanna play hard to get now, that’s fine, but either way you’ll be surrendering
to me before long.”

I
don’t have a response for that, but it don’t seem as if he needs one. Jake’s
heat leaves my back, and the rush of cold air that takes his place has me
mourning his departure.

“Same
time tomorrow, buddy?” he says to Spence out in the other room.

“You
bet,” Spence says. I sag against the sink, wondering how I’m supposed to make
it through the day without going to find him. I’m sad and I’m spent, but mostly
I’m tired of fighting. Jake’s right. He will wear me
down, and we both know it.

Ellie

I
can’t believe I am doing this. It’d taken Jake two days to convince me to let
him take me to dinner, and I’m so mad at myself for not holdin’ out longer, but
I just couldn’t keep saying no to him.

I
check my hair for the third time this evening and smile at my reflection,
making sure I have no lipstick on my teeth. I don’t normally wear such a bold
color, preferring instead to choose tinted lip balms and my rosebud salve. This
shocking red pushed my comfort zone light years away and then some. It also
made me paranoid that I’d spend the entire night licking crimson from my teeth.

“I
can’t do this,” I say to myself, but Olivia—as usual, with the worst timing
ever— stands in my doorway with Spence and Nutters.

“Of
course you can.”

“I
look like a whor . . .” I glance at Spence and change my choice of words. “A
woman who sweats in church in this lipstick. And do you think my hair is too
big?”

“Girl,
if there’s one thing my mamma taught me, it’s that a southern belle’s hair can
never, ever be too big.”

I
frown, leaning in to separate a couple of lashes that have merged into one
heavily mascaraed clump. “Didn’t your mamma also die from lung cancer without
ever havin’ smoked a cigarette a day in her life?”

Olivia
waves me away. “Hush now, no one could prove it’d been from all those years
ingesting hairspray.”

“I
think you look like an angel,” Spencer says.

I
smile at my boy and mimic pinching his cheeks. I don’t really touch him of
course. “Spencer Mason, I could kiss you right now.” He scrunches up his nose
and makes a gagging sound. I turn to Olivia. “You have my number?” She glares
at me. “And you have Jake’s number?”

“And
I have the number for Shux, and if that don’t work, I can call any number of
people to come help me out of a bind. Or I could just put Spence in the car and
come get you myself.”

“And
Nutters,” Spence says, tugging on Olivia’s shirt sleeve.

“And
Nutters,” she agrees, and turns her attention back to me. “Will you stop
worrying please?”

“I’m
sorry, I’m just—”

“A
nervous wreck?” Olivia finishes.

Spencer
pulls at the hem of my dress. “You wanna take one of my travel puke bags?”

I
laugh and squat down to his level. “I think I’m gonna be okay. Mamma’s gonna be
brave.”

Surprisingly,
he reaches out his little hand and tucks my hair behind my ear. “Thatta girl.”

***

Dinner
is at Shux on the Pier—not the finest restaurant in Fairhope, but it does have
the best view of Mobile Bay and it serves the best crawfish balls in town. We
talk a little about Spencer and Nutters, about Nuke and how Jake wound up
working at the shelter, and how he’s attending AA meetings and a veterans help
group for PTSD survivors. We mostly stick to safe topics—with the exception of
his PTSD—and we pretend that there isn’t this huge thing between us, this doubt
and self-loathing and hurt that buzzes at the edges of our calm little bubble.
It’s nice, but it isn’t real. It feels very much like we’re playing house and
not for the first time tonight, I wonder whether this is such a good idea.

After
dinner, we buy ice cream from a lone vendor and walk along the pier. Summer is
all but gone, but there’s still a bit of Alabama warmth digging its heels in.
For the most part though, the on season is coming to a close, and we only pass
a fisherman casting off of the pier and the odd elderly couple out for an
evening stroll.

Jake
sits on a bench at the end of the pier, and I take a seat beside him and look
out at the moonlight on the water. I can feel his eyes on me and when I turn to
face him, Jake lightly runs the back of his fingers over my cheek.

I
pull away. “What are you doing?”

He
sighs. “Why do you keep fighting me, Elle?”

“Jake
. . .” I stare at him, wondering how to answer him truthfully.

“No,
I know I put you through hell,” he whispers in that whiskey rough voice. “I
don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to stability, and I
understand that’s what you need right now, for you and for Spence, but I won’t
ever hurt you like that again.”

“You
say that now—”

“And
I mean it, every damn word. Come home with me,” he says, and though the words
are gruff, there’s an unmistakable vulnerability in them too.

“I
should get home to Spencer so Olivia can—”

“Goddamn
it, angel.” He raises his face to the sky and puffs out a heavy breath through
his cheeks.

I
shake my head. “You and me we go back and forth so often I’m afraid it’s gonna
give us both whiplash. It’s never-ending with us, and I know you’re getting
help, you’re a different man than you were two months ago. I see that, but if
I’m being honest with you, Jake, I don’t know if I can go through that all over
again.”

“That’s
bullshit, and you know it. You’re scared—”

“Yeah,
I am. I’m terrified.”

“I’m
not.” He takes my free hand between his. “Angel, if war taught me anything at
all it’s not to put off what we want. It’s to not be stupid when it comes to
following your heart.”

“Are
you callin’ me stupid?”

“Damn
right I am. What you’re doin’ is stupid, making me jump through hoops, thinkin’
I won’t win. I ain’t ever played a game and lost. I know you’re scared, and
that Spence is your number-one concern. He’s mine, too. The two of you pulled
me out of the darkness and now I’m giving you back that light, ’cause I don’t
need it if I got you.”

“Jake—”

“Would
you shut up already with your goddamn excuses? Answer me something,” he says.
“When I kiss you, does it feel right? Not just nice, or sweet, but deep down in
your gut, does it feel right?”

I
look out over the gulf, afraid to meet his eyes when I say, “Yes.”

“Then
what else is there to think about?” He leans in, grabbing my ice-cream and
tossing it aside, and then my face is between his sticky fingers as his lips
crash down on mine. I rake my hands through his hair, forgetting where we are,
and that we’re both in full view of the fisherman who begins clapping at the
show we give him.

I
pull back and laugh, resting my forehead against Jake’s as I stare into deep
sapphire eyes.

“Do
you trust me?”

I
take a deep breath.
Do I?
I don’t know. I’ve been hurt by men
before—hell, I’ve been hurt by
this
man before, but I’ve survived. My
head and heart have been at war since the day I first laid eyes on Jake Tucker,
and here he is, standing before me, waving the white flag and begging me to
throw down mine, too. I’ve spent so long protecting my heart, protecting
Spencer’s, that I forgot to listen to what it really wanted. If I’m quiet now,
and I listen real hard, I know the answer to that question. Surrender is
inevitable for both of us, so I kiss him, and I never stop.