Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (11 page)

Just be sure to disguise the identifying factors. Coworkers will see right through your approach if it’s not done well. They will tell someone else, even if you ask them not to.

Phyllis had no idea what to do, so she just pretended not to hear. This didn’t work for long. Her boss kept on with his inappropriate comments, and the client kept checking Phyllis to see how she would respond. Her facial expressions and nonverbal behaviors suggested she was becoming increasingly annoyed, but she said nothing directly. By saying nothing, she reduced her credibility with the client. She realized she needed to retain the respect of her clients and decided to organize her thoughts about the best way to deal with her boss.

Setting a private meeting with her boss seemed to be the best approach. When the day came, and after much practice, Phyllis met with him, faced him directly, but left her emotions at the door. She simply said, “I would appreciate it if you would refer to me by my name, Phyllis, instead of calling me ‘sweetheart’ or any other reference.”

Her boss responded, “Can’t you take a joke? I mean it as a term of endearment!” Phyllis then explained calmly, “I expect that you didn’t know how much it bothers me. However you mean it, I want you to refer to me by name, please. You can help me build credibility and respect with my clients by doing this. I know this will help me grow this business.”

(By the way, this does happen to men as well; calling someone by a nickname is far too casual for the workplace.) This will not be resolved in just one conversation. You will have to go back to them a few times for the request to actually sink in. When dealing with sensitive issues, remember: Keep your emotions in check and just stay calm. You must maintain control.

WHAT IS THE COST?

Review the cost of approaching your boss. What might be the fall-out? Is there a chance of getting fired? Transferred? Taunted by peers because your boss has a tendency to talk too much? The best-case scenario is that you resolve the problem and live happily ever after in an otherwise toxic environment. The worst-case scenario?

Be sure you know the possibilities as part of your planning.

In addition, and even more important, you have to ask: What is the cost of doing nothing? You have to create an environment that is comfortable for you. Every employee has a different perspective of what constitutes good and enjoyable working conditions. Can you maintain your integrity and self-esteem if you recognize problems but fail to address them?

Do you have a plan set up before you approach your boss so you are ready to launch into the next level of your career? No one manages this for you but you. I am amazed at how many people know this but never take the time to plan for it. How about you?

Everything has to be planned for, and you are the planner.

Plotting toxic cleanups will allow you to focus on the outcomes you want. It will also stop or reduce disagreeable behavior without insulting the other person. The VIP strategies and ways to manage toxic bosses give you specifics that will help you build your skills, move toward promotion, position you as a leader, and make you a more effective communicator. As companies reinvent themselves, send business overseas, and employ cutbacks, they will keep only those employees who have polished skills. You have to decide whether you want to become one of those employees.

Some readers may have been surprised at my use of the word
plotting
to deal with communication issues. The kind of plotting discussed here is not negative manipulation. It’s simply the way you stay in charge and fulfill your career dreams.

Ginger is simply impossible at work. She gets into everyone else’s business and finds time to discuss her opinions and personal issues with anyone who will listen. Unfortunately, her boss listens to her and sometimes acts upon her advice. The rest of the team is fed up, ticked off, and ready to quit. Sound familiar? Well, listen up!

You have no clue how to listen. This Toxic Person survival skill is not taught in schools or business. Your parents were supposed to teach you to listen, just as they were supposed to impart sex education when you were in your early teens. In reality, what probably happened was that you learned from their behaviors and modeling more than from their direct instruction the important skill of listening.

There is an excellent possibility that your “listening gland” has atrophied from disuse. Don’t think you are alone. The majority of the adult population suffers from the same condition. Much of the conflict you deal with daily originates in poor listening patterns.

Toxic People’s behavior intensifies because no one listens to them.

I remember being in a restaurant and getting terrible food and service.

The server asked, “How was everything?” When I answered honestly and said things were awful, the automatic response was, “Great! You can pay up front whenever you’re ready.” The server didn’t hear a word I said! The good news is I won’t have to hear that again from that establishment, because I will never go back. They allowed me to vote with my feet. The sad news is they will probably never understand why their customers continue to desert them.

Busy people can be especially poor listeners. Some have a list of horrible habits and are almost incapable of listening. Are you the kind of person who talks more about yourself in any given conversation? What percent of each encounter do you spend asking questions and listening to the information given by the other person? Studies show that 95 percent of people listen from a self-centered point of view. Their concern is solely about their own outlook, and they use other people to confirm what they already believe to be true. Only 5 percent really pay attention to or focus on the other person. Sad, isn’t it?

Ears and Brains

Hearing is a passive physical process. When you hear something, whether a voice or other noise, it just means your ears are working. This is the reason you get upset when someone says, “I hear what you are saying.” You subconsciously interpret this as them not listening to you. Do you say “I hear you” to others? I’ll bet you do.

FROM WIKIPEDIA.ORG

Hearing
is one of the traditional five senses, and refers to the ability to detect sound. In humans and other vertebrates, hearing is performed primarily by the auditory system: sound is detected by the ear and transduced into nerve impulses that are perceived by the brain.

Herein lies the problem. Your brain has not been trained, nor have your listening skills been practiced, to accept information different from what the brain already knows or expects. In confusion, it just simply doesn’t pay attention to the physical sound, and the message isn’t processed. Listening is much more than simply hearing.

Here are dictionary definitions:

Hear

1. To perceive or be able to perceive sound.
   
2. To be informed of something, especially by being told about it.
   
3. To listen to somebody or something.
   
4. To understand fully by listening attentively.
   

Listen

1. To concentrate on hearing somebody or something.
   
2. To pay attention to something and take it into account.
   
3. To make an effort to hear something.
   

Obviously, there is a crossover in meaning. You can simplify this by constantly challenging yourself make a mental note and remind yourself to listen
and
hear, especially when faced with a Toxic Person.

People hear; they just don’t listen. Generally, hearing is the in-take of sound, not information. Listening uses the brain to access what the words really mean. Hearing can conclude in turbulence, anger, and conflict. Listening, if done properly, results in better outcomes and reduced problems.

Here are five things you typically do when someone else is talking:

1. Think about what you are going to say when it’s your turn to talk.
   
2. Think about something else, like an e-mail you need to send or a phone call to be made.
   
3. Do your best to take notes on everything the speaker is saying.
   
4. Evaluate how poorly the speaker is communicating or handling a topic.
   
5. Wait for silence so you know it’s your turn to talk.
   

“Enough about me. What do you think of me?”

Do you think you are a good listener? Let’s check and see!

Circle the appropriate response and then score yourself.

1.
Influencing your listener means you: 

A.
Manipulate them to go along with you.

B.
Must both want the same thing.

C.
Get everything you want.

2.
Successful influencing leads to:

A.
Short-term solutions.

B.
Long-term problems.

C.
Targets that are adhered to.

3.
When you want the other person to listen, make sure you are:

A.
Controlling something controllable.

B.
Standing closer to them.

C.
Letting your emotions show.

4.
To get the other person to listen, you should: 

A.
Build rapport and trust.

B.
Clearly identify the obstacles.

C.
Point the finger at them.

5.
You should keep an open mind and open body language when listening because:

A.
It shows others you respect their thoughts.

B.
Others will open up to you more easily.

C.
This removes communication barriers.

6.
When others have finished their story, you: 

A.
Paraphrase their message.

B.
Immediately add your opinion and solution.

C.
Be ready to add your rebuttal.

7.
Successful people are good influencers because they: 

A.
Have specific details to support why they are right.

B.
Ask open-ended questions.

C.
Keep focused on the same problem using the same techniques to get their point across.

8.
If you reach a stalemate in attempts to influence the other person, you should:

A.
Drop the subject and terminate the conversation.

B.
Repeat what you have already covered.

C.
Acknowledge and address the stalemate.

9.
People who learn how to listen:

A.
Have better encounters.

B.
Encounter fewer occasions that require conflict resolution.

C.
Create an environment of mutual respect, cooperation, and happiness.

10.
To improve your listening skills, you should: 

A.
Spend more time alone.

B.
Listen to others and their preferences.

C.
Spend more time in groups.

Listening Scoreboard Answers

1. B.
To succeed, both people must agree on an outcome.

Too often, people try to influence others only to achieve their own personal goals. This results in tension in the relationship and in the workplace.

2. C.
Successful influencing does not take place if an agreement is reached and then later one of the people reneges.

Sustain results by agreeing on a common objective initially, keeping open communications, and staying flexible to the other’s input.

3. A.
Don’t waste your energy trying to exert influence over areas that you can’t control. For example, don’t try to change other people—you can only change yourself.

Check your body language, tone, and word choice.

4. A.
People who want others to hear their message develop people skills and know the value of continuing to build rapport and trust. Sarcasm, cynical remarks, negative body language, or bullying tactics will push others away and they will listen less! Building trust on an ongoing basis is one of the most important elements of a successful professional relationship. Use Myers-Briggs Type Indicator results or another assessment as a tool to identify your natural style and strengths. These assessments can make you more sensitive to understanding other styles as well.

5. A.
Open body language and interested facial expressions show that you hear others’ messages. Listen to and acknowledge the entire message; then ask, “Is there anything else?” This will help you get to the real issue of concern and ensure you are addressing the true problem.

6. A.
“If I understand you correctly, you are saying . . .” is a great way to validate another’s story. Many times, misunderstandings or misinterpretations will be identified early on. Paraphrasing is an excellent communication tool to improve understanding and reach mutually satisfactory solutions.

7. B.
Beginning questions with
what
,
when
,
why
,
where
, or
how
encourages the other person to create an entire sentence and express a complete thought rather than providing you with only a yes, no, or grunt for an answer.

8. C.
Air disagreements. Exhibit your commitment to finding a solution, and seek areas of agreement or missing information. Staying calm is an essential component to removing the stalemate.

9. A, B, C.
All are reasons for and results of polished listening skills.

10. B.
People who create positive connections are good questioners and listeners. Because of their developed communication skills, they can better handle the trials and tribulations they encounter. They have a real chance to maximize success through improved listening.

Quiz Scoring

Ten correct
—Your listening skills are excellent, and you have become a good influencer.

Eight or nine correct
—You know what you want, but can’t always get a buy-in from others. Work on improving your own skills by practicing listening to someone speaking on television.