Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (7 page)

Other tactics that work include reassuring them and their thought processes. Remember, Needy Weenies want to be liked.

Language that works well sounds something like this: “I’m glad you basically agree with my proposal. Every proposal has its weak points. What parts could be improved?”

Help them make tough decisions by having them use a pro/con approach to narrow their choices. You might say, “Let’s make a list of pros and cons to help clarify this.” This is a great approach if there is a stalemate in a project and you can’t get them to make a decision or commit to the process. If you want to meet your deadlines and keep the team functioning, you’d better have the tools to deal with Needy Weenies.

Don’t feel helpless with these people. Learn to dig deep with them, and keep asking open-ended questions. Always include the question, “Is there anything else?” because there probably is a deeper problem. Help them analyze their thinking and identify the barriers that block progress.

What to Say

Watch overcommitment with Needy Weenies—theirs as well as yours. They love saying yes. Be sure you confirm exactly who will be doing what and according to what time line. When talking with them, the phrase “Another point that popped into my mind was . . .” can be very helpful. It sounds spontaneous and low-key and allows you to provide an easy way for them to avoid taking on one more thing that may end up slipping through the cracks. Normally, I would
never
use that kind of language, but I will with the Needy Weenie because it works.

When you do find that they have overcommitted, approach them calmly and outline the issues/problems. Your goal is to help them get back on track or do damage control before an entire project comes to a screeching halt. Ask them about their progress and follow up with, “What do you want me to do?” or “What kind of help can I provide?” Your job isn’t to criticize or try to convince them to change their ways. Your goal is to get the job done—grace-fully and successfully.

If you are the manager, this is an excellent opportunity to help an employee grow and develop. Learning to use the right approach and words with a Needy Weenie on a consistent basis can give them the support to move them from this toxic behavior.

Don’t just try the approach once or twice and think it will work, because it won’t. This is why many fail at managing Needy Weenies. Overlearn each strategy and keep it polished and ready to use at a moment’s notice. Craft specific words that are comfortable for you.

Behaviors to Avoid

Try to avoid feeding the Needy Weenies’ tendency to agonize by agreeing at any level. I can promise you they will become more needy because you have become a sucker for their neediness.

This is hard because they are nice and you don’t want to make matters worse! Just remember that behavior that is recognized will be repeated.

Samantha was always kind and helpful. The staff started using her desk as the office supply depot—instead of going to the supply room, they would just take what was needed off her desk. Samantha never said a word, and actually encouraged people to take a pen here or a pad of paper there.

One day Margo walked over and casually picked up a stapler from Samantha’s desk. For Samantha, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back! She threw her chair back, jumped up, and shouted,

“Why can’t anyone leave my stuff alone? I can’t believe it! Everyone takes my property, and I’m tired of it!” She slammed the desk drawer and ran to the bathroom crying.

Beware of explosive Needy Weenies! These are the quiet, seemingly calm people who are always out-of-their-way nice. Then all of a sudden, without warning, something sets them off. Before you know it, an emotional volcano erupts. As survivors of volcanoes can tell you, the cleanup isn’t fun, and the consequences far out-weigh the Needy Weenies’ niceness before the eruption.

I remember when we needed to hire an administrative assistant.

An extensive applicant list was narrowed down to a select few who were interviewed by phone and then carefully in person (we had a whole system in place). We hired someone who seemed to have a great ability to function at high energy. We made sure our new hire, who had two hearing aids, could use the phone and perform job duties. She had some problems hearing the hallway pager, but that was not critical. We discussed her needs and ours to make sure she had everything she needed to handle the job successfully.

Training ensued, but by the fourth day we knew it was a bad call. Our applicant was very slow and had more difficulty learning computer software and skills than earlier testing had suggested.

She had trouble grasping and retaining lessons. We had made sure she could hear the presentations, so that wasn’t it. It soon became apparent she had a learning disability that had not shown up in the application process. She was so sweet and seemed agreeable to everything!

Trying to be straightforward but also supportive, I brought her in and mentioned my concerns about her pace of learning. I spoke very carefully and within a context of what we could do together to address her needs. She responded with anger, threatening, at high volume, to sue for Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) discrimination. This floored me, since we were going out of our way to accommodate her and help her succeed in her job. Her emotions and reactions had flipped from one extreme to the other.

Our new hire quit before we fired her (which would’ve happened later that day if she had not left on her own). A few days later, she e-mailed us a very sincere apology for her actions and words, explaining that she was really upset with herself for failing, something she had not done before. I wrote back, telling her she did not fail, that sometimes it takes a few days to find out whether a job is a good match. It would have been easy to ignore the obvious problems because this woman was so eager to be liked and fit in. It was far better in the end for both parties to acknowledge there were problems that couldn’t be fixed and move toward a solution.

Needy Weenies come in many forms. I never cease to be amazed at the variations in human nature and the twists and turns our thinking and emotions can take as we deal with one another.

Margaret was a high-maintenance team member, but her demands were presented in the form of questions and requests for help. She said yes too much and would wind up being overwhelmed. She committed to more than she could possibly handle, so deadlines were often missed.

Her strong need to be involved and to be accepted by everyone was the root of her problem. In meetings, her questions were endless and she was always putting herself down, just waiting for others to build her up. She would restate every point, no matter how simple, in detail. The reason was to support her need for reassurance from other people.

Margaret’s behavior was beginning to weigh on the group, and the worst part was that she felt no accountability to produce. Rob knew there was a way to help Margaret get out of some of these habits. In addition to following the meeting ground rules that the group had previously developed, he asked that a new rule be added: Do not restate what has already been stated.

He also suggested a “three-knock rule,” which meant that if anyone was not abiding by the ground rules, any meeting participant could knock on the table three times as a reminder. Rob also decided, even though he wasn’t Margaret’s boss, that he would suggest that decisions on events such as celebrations be made by a small committee so the entire group’s time could be put to better use.

It took a while for the group to get used to the process, but these first steps to managing Needy Weenie behavior made the entire team’s work easier!

Take 1: How They Sound

Jonathan knew that there must be another reorganization coming because all the bigwigs were in meetings day after day. While talking with Mary, a coworker, he said, “We don’t even have the resources we need right now to do the job. Why do they think giving me a new boss every 18 months will make things better? All they really want is to cut costs. What do you think, Mary?”

Mary answered, “I think change is good. It makes us—” Before she could finish, Jonathan cut her off, saying, “Change is awful! All I do is worry about whether the new management will like me and whether they’ll like the job I do. I worry they’ll bring their favorites with them and get rid of me. I worry about not having enough resources and budgets for all the new projects. They need to leave us alone and just let us do our jobs.”

Mary tried to take another approach by changing the topic. “Do you think that Adams project will be done soon?” she asked. With a deep sigh, Jonathan replied, “The Adams project? What a mess! Talk about something that should be changed! We should just dump the entire idea of customer satisfaction—it’s just a joke, anyway.” Giving up, Mary made a mental note to mention Jonathan’s negative perspective during his team input and 360-degree performance reviews.

She knew the futility of arguing with him or trying to change his mind. Jonathan, the Whine and Cheeser, had done it again. He had infected the rest of the group with his negativism. Over time, his constant whiny tone and “oh no” attitude brought down even the most positive person.

Names Will Never Hurt Me

You’ve heard these people referred to as whiners, bad apples, complainers, faultfinders, naysayers, maybe people, and losers. They drain energy out of projects and out of people. Because they have little incentive to improve their lot, the Whine and Cheesers tend to stay on board while their more talented, positive, and motivated colleagues move on.

What to Look For

Chronic complaining has become an epidemic. In some work environments, there are Whine and Cheeser parties about everything, including job duties, supervisors, colleagues, office supplies, the weather, and traffic—nothing is off limits for them. The coffee is too hot; the doughnuts are stale. Fast food isn’t fast enough, and restaurants serve the food too quickly and don’t let you finish.

These people are terminally upset with almost everything in their lives. They feel disconnected and lonely, and get the attention they crave by complaining. The main problem with their approach is they receive attention, all right, but it’s the kind that pushes people away. They don’t know how to get positive attention.

They have not learned to ask for what they want in a way that makes others receptive.

The team had decided to use an available cabin by the lake for their leadership retreat. Martha was excited about the plans even though she knew there would be some challenges with her wheelchair. Upon arriving, she saw fellow attendees boarding a pontoon boat in preparation for a quick cruise around the lake. No one saw Martha arrive, so the would-be sailors were oblivious of her sitting in her wheelchair on the path toward the cabin. Martha, meanwhile, sat there seething, furious with her teammates. “Didn’t they know I wanted to go? How in-sensitive! I thought they were my friends,” she said to herself.

The group returned and eagerly greeted Martha, who, cold and bitter, barely responded to their comments. Finally, one of her colleagues asked what was wrong. Her reply was a classic Whine and Cheeser retort: “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!” Mind reading is not a talent most people have. Her teammates were truly puzzled by her attitude. Had she simply admitted she had looked forward to the boat tour, another trip could have been easily arranged. Instead, Martha managed to put a damper on everyone else’s spirits without doing a thing to improve her own.

Whine and Cheesers will complain about a beautiful day, a new job, and even a pay raise. They live on the dark side of the moon. Criticizing everything around them is their custom. It is interesting that they often alternate their whiny tone with an accusatory one. They really have no clue how to involve others and get people motivated to go along with their issues. Adding to the problems they cause for themselves and others is their willingness to be equal-opportunity blame spreaders. They take your time complaining about others, then turn around and complain about you to someone else. No wonder people come up with creative ways to avoid these folks. Who wants to spend time with those who specialize in problems rather than solutions?

The Message the Whine and Cheeser Sends

You can probably hear the tone of the Whine and Cheesers’ voices when you think of the message they send. Working hard to stay in control and not get angry is your responsibility.

“Don’t expect me to do anything to fix problems—I’m helpless.”

“To stay on my good side, you must listen to my complaints.”

“Don’t annoy me, or I may talk about you to other people.”

“I’m perfect. Therefore, it is my duty to notice all of the faults around me.”

“I’m right, so you had better be sure to listen to me.”

Most Whine and Cheesers learned this behavior as children.

Maybe they had parents who modeled this behavior. Maybe whining was the only way to get attention. Maybe honesty and feelings were criticized or ignored. Whatever the reason, complaining is a habit, and a self-defeating one at that.

The Payoff for the Whine and Cheeser’s Toxic Behavior

Zero responsibility is the name of the game for the Whine and Cheesers. In addition, they annoy others so much that they are ostracized from the group, and that is their goal—to be left alone and have no personal accountability. Frequently, they will not be asked to accept additional work or responsibilities because no one wants to hear their constant complaints and rants.

Survival Tactics

Don’t agree with the Whine and Cheeser. Ever. They are famous for interrupting others and cutting them off to add their negative comments. Learn to stop them by saying courteously, “That’s not the way I see it. My point of view is . . .” or “I choose to take a more positive perspective, because I have found that gets me better results.” Don’t pause or hesitate, because that space will give the Whine and Cheeser an opportunity to continue with their negativity.

Another great approach is to ignore their complaints when in public, then corner the Whine and Cheeser privately. In this approach, you should use “I” language and not “you” language. Keeping total responsibility for what you are saying is critical, because the minute you begin pointing the finger with “you” language you will start pushing them even further into pessimism. This may not change them, but you will feel much better! More important, you will have modeled what a proactive message sounds like.