Transcending Nirvana (Dark Evoke #3) (18 page)

“Gross!!!!” shrieked Laurie from the end of the table, while Les and Joyce simply burst with laughter. “I don’t want to hear about that, Carriag you dirty old man. Now, where’s my coat?”

“We’ll walk out with you,” Walker suggested before saying our goodbyes and words of thanks.

His black leather jacket was slipped up my arms and wrapped around my body. Before I knew what was happening, my legs were swept from beneath me and I was cradled in strong, protective, loving arms as we made our way into the parking lot.

“Happy Birthday, Walker.”

“Thanks, Laur,” he breathed lightly. “Call me when you get home so I know you’re okay. Okay?”

“Okay. Night both,” I heard her call over the jangling of car keys and opening of car doors.

I was once again carried in cradling arms up the steps of The Pavilion to the fourth floor. I brushed my fingers through his hair, resting my head on his chest, listening to his breathing alter with each flight of steps he ascended.

“Are you too sleepy for late night activities?” he asked me, and I peeked up at him all doe-eyed with a shrewd grin.

“I’m never too sleepy for
your
activities.”

“Good, because we were rudely interrupted earlier on…”

With a kiss that began gentle, I was lowered from his arms, my feet meeting the ground, feeling alien. My back was thrust against the wall to the left of the green apartment door, while the leather jacket groaned under protest as my arms were guided above my head. With Walker’s insistent tongue delving between my lips, my hands clawed at the one large hand that was holding me still, his mouth swallowing my whimpers. The other was wandering to my cleavage, where the glinting zipper of my dress was taken between gentle fingers and steadily lowered to my sternum.

“Let’s take this inside,” I panted while his hands worked on kneading my breast, his kisses working down my neck, throat and chest.

“Right ya are, darlin’.”

When he pulled away from me, I shuddered and folded my arms across my chest to cover myself up a little. The click of the latch and the usual swift kick at the base of the door was unneeded. Instead, the door opened as soon as Walker pushed the key into the lock. My entire body shuddered with unease even before the light switch to the right of the door was flicked on.

The blood gushing through my eardrums blocked out all sounds, other than buzzing, as I perused the utter chaos of the apartment. The old portable TV lying on the floor with the glass screen shattered, the coffee table was kicked over, and the table lamp had been hurled against the wall, while the mismatched brown and dark wood chair lay on its side.

Once again I was tumbling down a rabbit hole with swaying, distorted vision alongside the unremitting muffling in my ears. Only, I didn’t know if I was ever going to see the ground again this time. I felt as though my life was destined to forever be a rabbit hole, leading me into a world of sheer chaos.

It was the sight of Walker rushing into the center of the room, falling to his knees in front of the pile of splintered and smashed orange wood of his destroyed guitar that saw the end to my tumbling.

Walker

My pacing had resulted in a darkened trail through the thin peach carpet, leading up the corridor. Minutes were more like hours. Hours like an eternity, yet months which I’d needed with her had been taken from us in a blink of an eye.

I couldn’t recognize my own reflection in the full-length mirror at the opposite end of the hallway. Looking into it, all I could see was my fear, it was right there staring back at me as I got closer. The bags under my eyes reminded me of how many nights I traded sleep to just sit at her bedside and watch her. In sleep she looked at peace, it was when she was awake the pain took her from me. Call me selfish, but I wished I could have kept her awake for a life time because she was my Ma, and my Ma wasn’t supposed to leave me, she wasn’t supposed to give up fighting, she was a Walker, she was meant to keep going. But in those weeks that passed, I saw her struggles. In her eyes, I watched as the pain devoured her.

Making small circles, I rubbed my hands together before, once again, pressing myself against the dusky pink striped wallpaper that had seen better days, and slipped down to meet the stained carpet.

What was taking so long? It shouldn’t be this long, it isn’t usually.

Sighing, I tossed my head back against the wall, and peeked up at the matching peach lampshade in the center of the corridor ceiling. I snorted, remembering the argument in the local DIY store over what color shade they should’ve chosen. Ma won that one, just as she always had the power to do. She was the only one I knew who could put Da in his place.

When the white door ahead of me was pulled open, I stumbled to my feet. Across my chest, I folded my arms and took a small, hurried step towards the woman exiting. The look on my face spoke volumes. “She’s tired, but she wants to see you. Don’t wear her out too much, okay. Keep it simple.” The nurse was telling me when I spotted Da rubbing his hands down his face as he left the room and headed to the bathroom at the end of the landing. That bathroom saw countless tears shed from both of us over the months. We always tried not to get too emotional in her presence. But her end was coming closer and that strength was wearing thin.

I simply nodded, sucked in a breath and went inside.

“Hey, Ma,” I muttered, closing the door behind me before making my way to the seat next to the bed. She looked so tiny, so fragile. She’d always had amazing cheekbones, high and cheery. But now, she was gaunt with the weight she’d lost and the rosy tint in her cheeks was long gone. At that point, I had a lifetime of so many happy memories, but I couldn’t see them past these new heartbreaking ones that were taking shape…the person I looked at, the tired and exhausted woman in the bed looking back at me…

Lowering myself onto the edge of the seat, I reached for her boney hand, careful not to snag the IV painkillers which were being shot into her body. There was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that she wasn’t to give up, that she had so much to live for, yet I couldn’t find the words or energy to say them. I didn’t like or agree with it, but knowing that there was nothing I could do, knowing that the time I was spending with her could potentially be our last, I wouldn’t risk a fight.

So I simply looked her in her pale blue, glassy eyes that were surrounded by yellow, wrinkled flesh, and smiled as I fought the need to squeeze her hand tighter. I wanted to keep her there, with me. I wasn’t ready to let her go. She’d miss so much if I let her leave me–– leave us. When I was clinging onto her hand, I was clinging onto her life; I was making sure she wouldn’t go anywhere. I was being her anchor, holding her to this plane.

“You…” the word traveled on a rasping breath. Her heavy eyes fluttered closed for a moment before opening with a small weighted smile on her lips. “You are so handsome. My handsome, smart, talented boy. You’re going to break some hearts, you know.”

I felt her thumb trying to graze my palm when I muttered for her to stop. She was going to wear herself out too much with these long speeches.

“No, you listen to me. You listen to your Ma. I have never been so proud of anyone in my life. The day will come when you’ll fall in love. And when you do, you love her with your final breath. Just like me and your Da. Love isn’t about wasted chances, it’s about the chance of a future, understand? Promise me…”

I didn’t want to think about life without her, I couldn’t see past what was happening there and then to the happiest of moments, let alone wanting to see those milestones in my life, which she wouldn’t be able to witness. Reluctant, I muttered, “I promise.”

“Come here,” she whispered. So like a good son, I inched closer to her, practically folding myself over the bed. With a deep breath, her brow crumpled as she lifted her weakened arm and cradled my cheek, looking me in the eyes. “I love you, Gerry, my son. You never forget that.”

I hated where the conversation was heading. It felt so final, and that thought alone stripped any strength which I possessed from my body. Just as she used to when I was a lad, she dried a tear from my cheek. “No tears, Ger. You’re stronger than that.”

“Ma, stop please. Is there anything I can get for you?”

With a sweet, relaxing smile, she dropped her hand from my face and lulled her head further back into the stack of pillows propping her up in the big bed. “Play something soothing for me. You’re so talented, Gerry. Don’t let it go to waste.”

Of all things, she had to choose that.

I reached around the back of the chair, and fetched the orange guitar then got into position back on the edge of the chair. “What shall we play?”

She smiled sleepily, “Our song.”

As I sat on the seat, my head dropping to study the cords, I nodded my head and began to strum away, my eyes closed:

“Just give me your hand,

Just give me your hand,

And I’ll walk with you,

Through the streets of our land.

If you give me your hand,

Just give me your hand,

And come along with me.

By day and night,

Through all struggle and strife,

And beside you, to guide you,

Forever my love.

For love’s not for one,

But for both of us to share,

For our country so fair,

For our world and what’s there.”

Licking my lips, I steadily let my eyes reopen and set the instrument on the floor, before reaching out to her frail hand. She didn’t move. I looked over her face, her eyes were shut, her mouth curved. I couldn’t see any movement from beneath the lids. Not even her eyelashes were fluttering.

“Ma…Ma…” panic-stricken, I didn’t know what to do, so I nudged her and watched her chest closely to see it rise. It didn’t. She was frozen. “Ma…MA!” I freed myself from the seat and hovered over my mother’s lifeless body, still calling her name, while her words revolved around my mind.
I love you, Gerry, my son. You never forget that.

I wouldn’t forget, but words and sentiment wasn’t what I needed. “MA, please, Ma, don’t leave me. I need you…I need you…please…come back…come back…”

******

“Walker…Walker…”

Her voice was a distant calling, but when I felt her gentle hand against my shoulder, I looked up at her from on my knees, shards of the last memory of my Ma clutched in my hands. It took a moment or two before I realized she was holding my phone against her ear.

As if my night couldn’t get any fucking worse, she opened her mouth. “It’s Laurie.”

My world stopped moving and crumbled before me. I felt my body shaking, my breathing fast and heated. I didn’t need to ask her questions, my jaw and eyes were already demanding the answers. As I pushed away from the floorboards, I reared up, Kady’s eyes following me every inch, causing her head to tip back.

“Her apartments been smashed up, too.”

Scaring her was the last thing I wanted, but I still noticed her flinch when I snatched the handset from her clutch. “Laurie?”

“Walker, what do I––?”

“Don’t do anything; just get your arse over to my place, NOW!” I spat down the speaker, still hearing Laurie calling my name as I forced the phone into Kady’s grasp.

“Walker, what are you doing?” she called from behind. As I rushed to the door with heavy feet, she called again, “Where are you going?”

On the threshold, I paused and glanced over my shoulder. She looked terrified, but I couldn’t stay there, and I knew Laurie was on her way. “Lock the door if you can, don’t answer it to anyone other than Laurie.”

Before she could get her final protesting words out, I was already sprinting down the stairway, taking them three steps at a time.

I sunk into the bench seat of my truck and forced the key into the ignition as I peeked up at the fourth-story bay window. I could see Kady’s shadow in the window, watching me from high like some guardian angel.

I pulled out, turning west. When my foot met the floorboard, I secretly sniggered to myself. It wouldn’t be me that needed the guardian angel tonight.

Within ten minutes, I was spitting out, “Come on you stupid fuckin’ piece of shite,” when the lights turned red alongside Bricksdale Square. My leg bounced while my anger rose and the steering wheel was DeLaney’s throat, my knuckles turning white with force.

If he thought he was going to get away with this, then he was the delusional one who deserved to be locked up in Pine-Fucking-Wood. He had no fucking idea of what he’d just done.

Reeving the engine, the lights turned green, and I sped down the road, taking the first right, and onto the street of ridiculously colored houses. My headlights were turned off once I slowed to a stop alongside the only white house on the block.

For once in my life, I didn’t try to restrain the anger and rage which made my body tremble––the same anger and rage that was the catalyst for too many years of my own destruction. Instead, I let it control me. When I opened my eyes, I unraveled the beads from the rearview mirror and held them in my hand, against my lips. In the eye of the storm, and the solitude of my truck, I did something I had only done twice in nine years. I prayed.

Looping the beads around my neck, I took the cross in my hand and kissed my knuckles before looking up at the house through the driver’s window. “In Nomeni Patri, Et Fili, Et Spiritus Sancti,” I muttered, tucking the beads into my shirt, and as I crunched my knuckles, I took my first steps into Hell.