Trials (Rock Bottom) (14 page)

“No, that’s okay. Just tell me really quick.” I look out of the corner of my eye and see Scott staring at me sadly.

“Alright,” she says, cheerily. “I just wanted
to tell you now that I’ve hit three months, I’m pregnant!”

I smile as wide as I can manage. “That’s great, Theresa. Really great.”

“Thanks!” she says. “I actually can’t believe you didn’t notice! I feel like a house already. I had to wear oversized sweaters so no one would see my belly. Like that ridiculous dress I wore at the charity dinner. And I’ve been so sick. Throwing up just all the time. Since almost the day I missed my period!”

She continues talking but her words turn into a mumble in the background of my mind as I process her words.

Sick? Throwing up all the time?

Missed period?

I quickly do a mental calculation in my head.

No, wait. Really? No, that can’t be…

I think I missed my last period three weeks ago. How could I not have noticed that?

I hear my phone clatter to the floor. Scott’s arms are on my shoulders immediately. “Dylan, what’s wrong? Are you alright? Sit down, all the color is leaving your face,” he says, trying to pull me towards the kitchen table.

“No,” I mumble out. “I think…I think I’m going to be sick!” I wiggle out from his grasp and run to the bathroom as fast as I can, just making it to the toilet in time. I lay my head on the toilet when I’m through, trying to get my thoughts together.

Oh my God.

Scott and I had always been careful. More than careful. The only person I hadn’t been careful with is…

Jeremy.

I feel my hands go around my stomach as a myriad of emotions flood through me. I find myself, almost instinctually, lovingly rubbing my skin over my abdomen. My heart races, not with panic, but with…excitement.

I’m going to have Jeremy’s baby?
I smile a wide, bright smile right there in the middle of the floor of my bathroom. And in that, I know I have my answer. I know what I need to do, and for the first time, I don’t allow myself to feel bad about it.

After a few minutes I exit the bathroom. I see Scott standing at the edge of the hallway, concern covering his face. “Dylan? Are you alright?”

My mouth hangs open. “I think…I think I’m pregnant,” I say in awe. Probably not the most eloquent way to tell him, but I can’t think straight right now. I’m lucky I can speak English at all.

I watch shock, confusion, and awe fly
across Scott’s face before I realize what he must be thinking. He moves a step closer to me. “Wow, baby. Well, that changes things,” he says, with a devastatingly sweet smile. “I’m, actually…so happy. I…” he pauses, still smiling. I inwardly kick myself. I will never forgive myself for what I’m about to do to him.

“Scott…you know it’s not yours,” I whisper. I hear a pop of air as Scott exhales in surprise. I’m such a
coward; I can’t even bring myself to look at his face. But the only thing that matters to me right now is the little life inside of me, and what both it and I deserve out of life. And that’s to be happy with a family who are desperately all in love with each other.

“We’ve been nothing but careful. Always, Scott. I’m so sorry.”

I hear Scott’s body hitting the wall of the hallway. I look up and see him with his back against it, doubled over. “God, Dylan,” he mumbles, his voice pained. “Oh my God. With
him
?”

I walk over, intending to comfort him, but stop just as I reach him. “Scott, I’m sorry. It was one time. I wish I could tell you it was a mistake, but I love him. Sometimes I don’t want to, but the truth is, I have since the moment I saw him. And I
never stopped loving him. I never really got my heart back from him. It wasn’t fair of me to give it to you when I never had it to give.”

Scott’s shaking his head back and forth, as if in disbelief. “No,” he says. “It’s my fault.”

I furrow my eyebrows at him. “How do you figure it’s your fault?”

He stands up straighter, taking a deep breath before looking at me. “Because I convinced you to leave him, Dylan. And then I manipulated you into being with me.”

I try to protest but he stops me. “No, wait. I know you are stronger minded than to let me purposely manipulate you. But I still did in some ways. You were nothing but up front with me the whole time. I knew you loved him and I knew you needed closure that you never got. I didn’t let you mourn and move on before we started our relationship. I just hoped that I’d be enough for you to forget him. I thought if I was perfect and supportive and constantly loving, it would make you forget him.”

I nod my head. “You were, Scott. You really were.”

He gives me a sad smile. “Thank you. But I know love doesn’t always work that way. I can’t force you to love me, Dylan. And I don’t really want to try. I deserve better than that.”

I smile at him. “You really do.” I silently pray that he will one day find someone who will love him as much as he deserves. Because he truly is an amazing man.

He walks over to me and wraps me in a huge hug. “No hard feelings, baby. I will forever love you. I’m sure you know how that feels.”

I wrap my hands around his back and shed a few tears. I cry for what could have been and maybe what should have been. I mourn the loss of a very beautiful, easy, and acceptable life. “I do. And I do love you, Scott. Just, not enough.”

He kisses me on the head. “I hope for your sake, if you are pregnant, he’ll treat the baby better than he’s treated you.”

I nod into his shoulder.

“Always call me if you have a problem, understand? No matter what, okay?”

Pain rips through my chest.
Stop being so nice when I’m such an asshole.

“I will.”

I know this will be one of the hardest choices I’ll ever have to make. I’m not leaving Scott because he’s bad to me. I’m not leaving because I’m unhappy with him. I’m leaving one good man for another good man. They just happen to be different men, and I just happened to have been forced to choose.

Now that my choice
has been made, I just hope it isn’t the wrong one. I release Scott’s waist and place my hands, once again, lovingly around my stomach.

I can’t believe I’m here.

I’ve been pacing back on forth on the sidewalk down a few doors from Jeremy’s house for twenty minutes now. I flick the stick in my hand up and down nervously. I check the strip, again, for at least the hundredth time.

Still positive. Still pregnant.

I think about where I was only a short time ago, in my bathroom with Theresa waiting for the test to develop. When she told me there was a plus sign in the box, I nearly died with shock. In the back of my mind, of course I had known I was pregnant. But damn it if it didn’t become achingly real in that moment.

I left almost immediately, despite Theresa telling me to sit and ‘think about things’ before I did anything irrational. I didn’t care about rationality. How could I when I’m already in an irrational situation? I just knew I needed to be near Jeremy. I knew I needed to tell him.

Of course, now that I’m here, I have no idea how to do that. For a lawyer, I haven’t been great with words lately. And I wish I knew what his reaction will be, but I really don’t. He’s been out for a week now and hasn’t tried to contact me at all. Maybe he got sick of my mind and heart games. Frankly, I wouldn’t blame him.

I close my eyes and let
the memories of our relationship flash in my mind, from the moment we met to the last time I saw him. I relive it. All of it. The passion, the pain, the pleasure. When you take a step back and look at all of it combined, it really is beautiful.
We
are beautiful.

I
smile and begin walking towards his home. I will myself not to throw up as I walk up the stairway and to his door. The baby is making me nauseous all the time, but I’m sure this stress isn’t helping.

I push the doorbell before I get a chance to chicken out again and step away from the door. I hear footsteps approaching from inside and the sound of the door creaking open. Then he appears from behind it, his blue eyes examining me. He eyes me up and down, still sensual even when not trying.

He bites his lip and looks towards the ground, running his hand through his tousled hair. He sighs heavily and directs his gaze back to me, leaning himself against the doorway. “Dylan,” he says. I smile at his familiar greeting.

“You haven’t called,” I whisper, unsure of where to begin.

He pauses. “Were you expecting me to?”

I shrug. “A little.”

He sighs and shifts his weight. “Dylan, I don’t want to chase you. I told you, Scott is a good man. He’ll give you everything you deserve. I’m still responsible, in part, for that girl’s death…whether or not the law says so. And I’ve been nothing but a selfish ass to you and now, I’m nothing in general. My career is over. The label isn’t taking me back. I’m just…a no one. A loser.”

I shake my head at him. “Jeremy, you’ll never understand, will you? To me, you’re everything.”

He looks surprised for a moment before returning to his blank expression. “Why?”

“I wish I could give you a good answer to that, but I can’t. There are many things I love about you. And I know there are many problems you and I both have that anyone else would say make us incompatible. But those people aren’t me and th
ey don’t know what I feel. The truth is, I’m only happy when I’m with you. I’m only comforted when you comfort me. I only feel safe when you shelter me.”

He opens his mouth to speak, but I’m on a roll now and I can’t stop. Words are flowing from me.
They’re coming from somewhere deep inside. “I don’t care if that seems unhealthy. I don’t care if people say we shouldn’t depend on each other like we do. The fact of the matter is, I love you. Desperately. I should never have left you the way I did. It wasn’t right. And you have done everything that was expected of you. You’re clean and healthy. And I didn’t give you a chance to do that with me. It was the worst mistake I ever made, leaving you without giving you a chance to show me you could change. I refuse to let anyone tell me what I should feel and what I should do again. Including you, Jeremy Mason. I’m a big girl and I can make my own decisions.”

He grins at me, his eyes shining. I smile a little before I continue. “So here I am, standing on your doorstep. Here for you. Wanting you. Begging you to let me back in. Telling you I was the stupid and selfish one and asking for your forgiveness.”

His breathing increases and his eyes shine. “Dylan, you’re making this so hard. I just don’t deserve you. Especially now.”

“Damn it, Jeremy. I don’t need your money and fame. I’m not interested in it. I don’t care if you never pick up your guitar again. I’ll only support you in anything you want to do. I want to be there for you. I want to build a life with you.
I want to show you what you’ve been missing all of those years when you turned to your addictions to numb yourself from feeling anything. Feelings aren’t always bad. In fact, our life will be full of them, full of love and happiness.”

He laughs in disbelief and looks towards the ground again. I take another step closer. “
But there’s something important I need to tell you.”

He squeezes his eyes shut and sighs, as if preparing himself for a blow. “What now?”

“Jeremy, I’m pregnant.”

Jeez. Really tactful
.

His eyes shoot back up to mine, his pupils large and eyes panicked. His face pales. “Then, why are you here?” he gasps out.

I smile. “The baby is yours, Jeremy. Scott knows, and I left him.”

His mouth drops open and he stares at me as if he’s just seen a ghost. He slowly begins to back away from the door. He puts his head in his hands.

Uh oh. Not exactly what I was hoping for.

“Oh…Oh my God…” he mumbles
. “Are…are you sure?”

I step into his house and hold out the test. “I have the test, if you want to see it?” I feel my heart sinking into my feet. I brace myself for whatever is about to happen. Will he kick me out? Demand a paternity test? Tell me to have an abortion?

He comes over to me so quickly I don’t even have time to react. He falls to his knees in front of me and wraps his arms around my lower back, putting his head on my stomach. He sobs into my shirt. I stand, immobile, until I hear, “I love you both so much.”

My whole body warms. The electricity from his words flows through me, filling me with more happiness than I’ve ever felt. I look down towards him and it reminds me of when we were parting not so very long ago. I can’t believe how different that moment is from this one. It gives me an idea.

I sink to the floor with him, holding him like I did then. “Will you marry me?” I ask, running my hand through his hair.

He snorts. “We’ve always been married, wife.”

I laugh. “But I mean, legally? I want to have your name. I want to have all of you. Forever.”

He shakes his head, pulling himself away from me. I begin to frown, but he smiles cockily. “No, I want to take your name.”

I look at him in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“My whole life has been about control. The people who controlled me in the past abused it. When I had control over myself, I abused it. And then I gave control to the drugs. I need to let go of my control to someone who will cherish me. And I want you to control me. You already do. My mind, my heart, my soul…it’s all yours. And I want everyone to know that it’s me who is in your power, not you in mine. I belong to you. You are too spectacular for me to claim.”

I open my mouth to protest, but he puts his finger up to my mouth to silence me. “My condition. I don’t want to be Jeremy Mason anymore. Jeremy Mason has hit rock bottom. I don’t want to be in this pit anymore. If I’m climbing up from the bottom, I want to transform myself. I want to be free of who I was and become who I need to be for you.”

I give him a sly smile and leave it there. Jeremy Ackhart. It does have a nice ring to it.

“This is the happiest day of my life,” I say in awe, as I stare at his beautiful face. The happiness I feel confirms that I’m making the right decision.

“The happiest
day of my life will be when you become Mrs. Ackhart. And when I become a father. I hope I’m good at it.” Suddenly, his expression turns to panic. “You won’t let me mess up, will you?”

“Jeremy, you are the most amazing man I’ve ever met. There is nothing you can’t do. You will be the best father in the world.” I run my hand down his face.

His expression softens. “And you, the best mother.” He grips me tighter for a moment. “Thank you for saving me. Thank you for bringing me to heaven.”