Trick Baby (15 page)

“I'd wave Red over to us. He'd come over scared and excited as hell.

“He'd roll his eyes and say, ‘You all ain't going to give me away, are you?'

“I'd say, ‘No, since we're all Niggers we thought we'd call you and give you some good advice. The white man dropped that wallet. You're not a thief. Now get yourself together. The Lord has made this your lucky day, ain't that right, Mr. Smith?'

“Red would look around suspiciously.

“Then he'd say, ‘I'm sure glad two kind, wise Niggers saw me, instead of two mean, foolish white folks. I was raised in a Christian home and my mama always told me good advice is precious and should be rewarded. Tell you what I'm gonna do. If there's three dollars in this wallet, I'm gonna give my black friends a dollar apiece. If there's three thousand, I'm gonna give you a thousand dollars apiece.'

“Red would give me and the mark a flash of green inside the bulging wallet.

“I'd say, ‘My stars, man, you've struck it rich! But let's get off this street. That white man is sure to come back looking for that wallet.'

“We'd walk the excited mark to a side street. In a gangway or the foyer of a building, Red would start to open the wallet. His hands would tremble so much he'd drop it. I'd pick it up and turn away from the mark to look inside it. I'd whistle in amazement and hand it to Red.

“I'd say, ‘It's crammed with thousand dollar bills. That white man might be a big-time crook.'

“Red would say, ‘Good God! Then these bills could be from a big robbery. They might even be counterfeit. What are we gonna do?'

“I'd say, ‘They're not counterfeit. They may be registered. We
need the advice of some bigshot Nigger or white man. I'm a stranger in town. How about you, Mr. Smith? Can you think of some smart bigshot we can trust?'

“Before the mark could answer Red would snap his fingers and say, ‘I've got it! Mr. Silverstein, my boss, will help us. Ain't nobody smarter than a Jew. Ain't that right, Mr. Smith? We can trust Mr. Silverstein. He loves me because I saved his only son from the deep cold waters of Lake Michigan two years ago. The kid was swimming and got cramps. He was going down for the third time when I reached him and pulled him to shore. There ain't nothing Mr. Silverstein wouldn't do for this Nigger.

“‘He's got a big fine office no more than two blocks from here. Lord have mercy, I just remembered I was on an errand for my boss when I had this good luck. Friends, you wait right here until I get back. I'm sure Mr. Silverstein will change these big bills so we can split fair and safe.'

“When he left, I'd say to the mark, ‘Mr. Smith, we've got nothing to lose if he doesn't come back. If he does, then we've found an honest man and a small fortune.'

“The mark would almost shed tears of joy when Red got back. Red would shake our hands and say, ‘Friends, I told you we could count on my boss. That wallet belonged to an old business rival of his. He'll give us smaller bills for the big ones.

“‘But he wants to meet my two relatives who are sharing in my good fortune. He wants to be sure they're sensible people and won't go wild and get him in trouble for helping.

“‘Now he knows that I've got only two relatives in the world, my cousin Louis and my Aunt Susie. It's a good thing he's never seen them.'

“Red would hand me a business card and say, ‘Here's where the office is.'

“I'd take the mark by the arm and start to walk away.

“Red would shout, ‘Hey, what you Niggers gonna do? You gonna
make a bar out of me to my boss? I told you he knows I ain't got nobody in the world but cousin Louis and Aunt Susie. Mr. Smith ain't no woman.'

“I'd turn to the mark and say, ‘Don't you worry about a thing, friend. The same arrangements I make for myself, I'll make for you.'

“While I was gone, Red would give the mark a detailed description of the mythical office and Mr. Silverstein. When I got back, I would breathlessly describe the elegant office and the wonderful Mr. Silverstein.

“I'd say to Red, ‘Yes, Mr. Silverstein is sure a fine man. He told me about how you saved his son. I've never seen a white man that loved a Nigger like he does you.

“‘He likes me too and he was pleased when I was able to put up forty-five hundred dollars as proof of my worth and integrity to share a third of that fifteen thousand dollars in the wallet.

“‘He told me that he'd trust you with his life and that he takes care of business on the inside and you can take care of us on the outside.'

“Red would leave to bring back both my share and the mark's. At least the mark thought his was coming back with Red. When Red got back, he'd give me a paper sack fat with greenbacks.

“I'd say, ‘Where is Mr. Smith's share?'

“Red would say, ‘The boss said every tub must sit on its own bottom and every tongue must confess of its own soul. You put up a bond of good faith. Aunt Susie, I mean Mr. Smith, ain't showed his good faith in the right way.'

“I'd shove the bag back to Red.

“I'd say angrily, ‘We're all Niggers in this together. Since Mr. Smith's share ain't here, take it all back. I don't want my share if he can't get his.'

“Red would say, ‘Good gravy. I didn't say Mr. Smith couldn't get his share. 'Course he can if he pleases the boss like you did and puts up a reasonable bond to prove he's a solid person and won't get the boss in trouble.

“‘The boss just wants to be sure that everybody is used to money and won't go on a stupid spending spree and get police attention when he gets his five thousand dollars. The white man that lost the wallet would be glad to see my boss's fine reputation destroyed.'

“Most likely the mark would blurt out his ability to qualify before I could ask him.

“I'd go with the mark to raise his bond. When we came back, Red would take it back to the office. The mark and I would wait anxiously for Red to come back with our shares.

“Finally I'd point to Red coming toward us a block away. Red would stop and wave. I'd point to myself. Red would wag his head no. I'd point to the mark. Red would wag his head yes.

“The mark would start the long walk. When he was midway between us, we'd both fade and disappear.

“Folks, black con men call this the final. White grifters call it the blowoff. Well, kid, are you satisfied? That's most of the real words, as you say, of a con game in action.”

I said, “Blue, it sure is slick. Please let's play that game together. I know I can memorize all the words.”

He said, “Folks, that's ass backward. You can't learn con by memorizing words. Every mark and every play of any con game is different. You have to memorize the elements of con.

“When you've done that, you've got the secret key to all con games, from the biggest to the smallest. Now I want you to tear apart the drag that you heard. Tell me the elements of con that you could grasp.”

I said, “Number one, Red and you had to catch Mr. Smith. Number two, you had to sound him out to find out if he had dough. It's obvious you wouldn't want to play for a broke sucker. And you found out that Mr. Smith knew nothing of flimflam or con.

“Under the number two step, you also had to rapidly gain his confidence with your tale of distress and your seed for his wise and
kind help. Number three step was showing Red to the mark and bringing Red in for the play.

“Number four step was Red's offer to share his good luck. This excited the dishonesty in the mark. If the mark had been honest, he would have advised returning the white man's wallet. A mark has to be a thief himself.

“Number five step was Red coming back with your five gee share. This was the convincer for the mark. He knew he could get five-G's.

“The convincer was tightened when you refused your share until the mark got his. The fifth step set the mark up for the sixth step, the send for his money so he could qualify for his share. The seventh step was the final or blowoff. How did I do, Blue?”

He said, “Hell, you're not bright, you're brilliant. I'll have you ready by spring for the smack at least. Then later the drag. Folks, it's almost four
A.M
. You go to sleep on what you've learned. I'm not waiting up for Midge. I need rest. Memphis and I are going out of town today.”

Blue stood up.

I said, “Blue, what did you mean about Dirty Red going con goofy?”

He said, “Conning is lying. Red lied for forty years. Finally his brain was so twisted and poisoned by lies that he couldn't tell the difference between a lie and the truth.

“I was his partner. But he reached a point when I couldn't hold a conversation with him. Everything I'd say to him, no matter how innocent and commonplace, he'd blow up and stay mad for days.

“He thought I was lying to him, that I was making a fool out of him for kicks. I had to cut him loose. At the end he was dangerous. I was afraid of him. Nobody will play with him now.

“He tapes his right arm to his side and begs for a living. He bums around Fifty-first Street. Folks, what happened to Red can happen to anybody who lies for a living.

“Good night, Folks. You look out for Midge and the house as always while I'm out of town.”

I said, “Thanks, Blue, for the con lessons. I'll take care of everything. Good night.”

I lay there listening to the shrill, frigid banshee of January winds. My heart jackhammered with the excitement of the con.

I heard footsteps in the hall. I turned my head. Blue's shadow was back in the room.

He said, “I forgot something important that you must remember until you go six feet under. Folks, there are only two kinds of people in the whole wide world, grifters and suckers.

“You're going to be a grifter, I'm certain of that. The secrets of con are priceless. Every grifter is surrounded by suckers that he for many reasons can't play for. There are charming, likeable suckers that you'll meet socially. But Folks, a grifter true to the con code never likes a sucker enough or lets the sucker come close enough to get the secrets of con.

“Let their stupid brains stay asleep in their chump world. Keep your own brain honed to razor sharpness in the secret world of con. Folks, you know I think a great deal of you. But if you ever violate the con code, I'll hate your guts. I swear it!”

He faded away into the hall blackness before I could answer. I felt like I had gulped down a handful of benny pills. I lay there in the gloom a long time and engraved on my brain every word that Blue bad spoken.

I heard a rapping on the window. I thought it was the wind. Then it came louder and faster, I got up and pulled the drapes aside. It was Midge, wide-eyed. She was huddled inside a man's heavy black overcoat. I raised the window and looked down at her.

She whispered, “I don't have my key. Let me in the back door.”

I tiptoed down the hall to the back door. I let her in. She squeezed herself against me for an instant. Her cold face tingled my chest. We walked into my bedroom. I flicked on a tiny night light.

I said, “What happened?”

She slipped out of the bulky overcoat and threw it across the bed.
She was nude. She said, “There's a cabby out front waiting for his fare and coat. Johnny, please take a five-dollar bill and his coat out to him for me.”

I went to the closet and put on an overcoat. She passed me going to the bathroom. I smelled whiskey and the sharp, raw perfume of her crotch. I went out the back door to the shivering cabby.

He said, “Man, thanks for the tip and coat. Let me tell you, it was one bitch of a sight seeing a naked broad running down South Parkway in zero weather. Is she your old lady?”

As I turned away, I said, “No, she's my crazy sister.”

I rushed back to my bedroom. The night light was out. I went through the bathroom to Midge's room. She wasn't there. I wondered if she'd lost her mind and become a pneumonia buff. Maybe she was naked out in the backyard having an orgy with Jack Frost.

I was looking out my bedroom window when Midge's muffled voice said behind me, “Peek-a-boo. I see you.”

I spun around. I saw a vague lump in my bed.

She said, “Stop wandering around, square. Get in bed and warm me up. I'm chilled to the bone.”

I said, “Are you nuts? What if Blue catches you in my bed? Go to your own bed, Midge, before you get me thrown out into the cold.”

She laughed and said, “Don't be a square. Angel, aren't you hip that Blue hates lesbians so much he'd weep for joy to find me in just any man's bed? If you don't come and hold me, I'll go back into the street just like I am.

“Then your conscience will haunt you for the rest of your days. ‘Poor Midge froze to death because I was too square to grant her one last, humble request.' Come on, Johnny. Hold me and I'll tell you what happened.”

I hung my coat in the closet. I took off my pajamas and got into bed beside her. She threw her thigh across my middle. She had her head on my chest. I had my arm around her back.

She said, “I almost got murdered tonight. Oh, Johnny, I did the
dumbest thing. I got crocked and went home with a cute little waitress at
Cocktails For Two
. Her boyfriend was supposed to be in jail under high bond.

“Two weeks ago he almost stabbed to death a girl that he thought was going with Francine. We were making mad love in the bedroom. We heard a key in the front door.

“Somebody had gone her boyfriend's bail. Lucky for me her apartment was made like our house here. I ran naked through the connecting bathroom into a vacant bedroom. I hid under the bed.

“I didn't know what to do. My dress and coat were in the closet. My panties, bra and slip were on a chair in the bedroom. My shoes were somewhere in there.

“I could hear him talking to her. I was terrified that he'd notice the strange clothes and start searching for me. He came into the bathroom. I heard him taking a leak. I saw his legs and big feet through the half open door.