Trigger (19 page)

She is startled awake. “Here drink this. You’ll feel
better.” Steven’s voice?

She can’t talk, Steven is in her bedroom? She feels
him sit on the edge of her bed. He’s putting a cold drink in her
hands that smells of oranges and lemons.

“Drink Judy. I made it just for you. It will make
you feel better.” His voice is calm and sweet but there’s fear in
it too.

She doesn’t want to but she can’t help it. The smell
is drawing her in with its freshness and promise of sweet. Cool,
soothing and wet and she’s hot and sweaty and thirsty. More is
better and she drinks it all and feels calm and tired from running
and lies down on her pillow.

Steven is gently moving her wet hair from her face.
“That’s an awful, nightmare, Judy. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
You’ll sleep now with no bad dreams. Take a deep breath . . . “

She does. “That’s good, go to sleep. I have to leave
after you go to sleep but I’ll see you again soon. Sweet dreams my
love. Sweet dreams.”

One of the hardest
things about being blind is that you never know what time of day it
is. Day is the same as night and night is the same as day. What she
does know is that she’s awake and warm. She doesn’t have a
headache, her body isn’t hurting and she feels rested, sweet, sweet
feel of energy.

“Becky?”

“You’re finally up. You’ve slept nearly twelve
hours.”

“No way!

“Yes way!”

She and Becky share a laugh. It’s been a long time.
“Hungry?”

“Starved.”

“Good. I’ve made my creamy potato soup and Harriet
has made her crusty bread you like so much. Sit.”

Smooth creamy and buttery with non-mushy cubed
potatoes with fresh herbs, a spoon is good but dipping the bread is
better.

“More?” She hears Becky smile.

“Can’t. Can you save it for later?”

She hears the ping of her email and a man’s voice
says she has nine unread emails, touch any key. She hits the space
bar and is told that it’s an email from Charles, sent today at 6:02
a.m.; touch any key to go to the next. She listens, it just a
question about the timing on the buy of Dotson’s. “Reply.” Three
months she says and then says, “Send.”

A couple of hours for emails and phone calls,
another for thinking through things and then she remembers.
“Steven.”

“What?”

“Becky was Steven here?”

“Yes.”

“You let him in?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I was afraid for you Judy. It’s that simple. I was
afraid for you.”

“The nightmare.”

“Yes and it was worse than ever. I was afraid for
you. I called Dr. Harter and he was here in less than ten minutes
and took care of you. You’ve slept for nearly twelve hours, how do
you feel?”

How does she feel that her best friend and employee
ignored her request to not call Steven ever or let him in or take
phone calls from him, or emails, or packages or anything but she
called him and let him into her bedroom and into her bed?

“How do I feel? Betrayed, embarrassed and pissed
off!”

“I know that part. But how do you feel?” Becky is in
her face.

“Rested and I don’t have a headache and I don’t feel
tired.”

“Really? You know, you’ve been tired since I met
you. It’s exhausting just to see how tired you are all the time.
Are you going swimming? You have a half an hour before the pool is
yours.”

“No, but I told Michael he and Suzanne could swim in
my place. Did you see her drawings?”

“I can’t believe that girl is only ten. They’re
incredible, professional and so real. The drawing of three girls
made me laugh just like they were in the drawing. She is very
exceptional, Judy. You should do something about that girl and
Michael too. They are amazing children.

“I also saw that photo of you boxing. God, you are
beautiful and that look on your face? Please don’t ever look at me
that way, I’d run out of here afraid for my life. Dynomite!”

“That was the first time I won a match. I guess
Steven took the photo. I’ve never seen it before.” She laughs,
“Well still haven’t, but Michael described it.”

“Well if the kids are coming, go brush your teeth,
comb that haystack and put on something that isn’t a rag. You’ll
scare that sweet girl.”

Michael says I look better than he’s ever seen her.
“That green sludge you drink is working, I think, Miss Mason.”

She’s listening to the sounds of their happy play.
Splashing, laughing and Suzanne doesn’t seem to get tired of
running and jumping in the water. Michael’s patience with her is
heart warming. He never yells at her, or says he’s tired or bored.
He catches her over and over. He’s teaching her to swim, but she
has less patience than he does.

Judy had never been in a pool before, but she
started to play around in the water about two months after she left
the hospital. Little by little she figured it out and now she’d
doing a hundred and fifty laps a day.

“Hi there.”

Steven?

“Hey beautiful, you look better. I’m glad you got
some rest.” Steven kisses her forehead.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice sounds mad even
to her.

“I told you, I’d see you soon. It’s soon and since
you are having a pool party, I thought I’d bring the food.”

“Is there anything I can say to make you leave?”

“No.”

“You’ve been watching me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I like to watch you. It makes me feel good to see
you. You’re skinny and scrawny, but it feels good anyway.”

“You just called me beautiful.”

“Well that was from habit and memory.”

We watch Michael and Suzanne for awhile. “They are
very special aren’t they, Judy? I think you and I should adopt
them. We’d make good parents.”

“How did you find Michael and why did you do
that?”

“I was a Big Brother for years. I mentored Brandon
from the time he was twelve. He graduated from college last spring,
moved to Dallas, found a lovely girl and they’re going to get
married. He doesn’t need me any more. My friend, who is principal
of the East Side high school, told me about Michael and how he was
on his own and raising his baby sister alone. Straight A’s,
responsible, personable and had lots of promise, but was at
risk.”

“Risk?”

“Mostly money and family life, no Dad, hooker for a
mother, he was starting to struggle with the load. Ken was worried
about him and called me. I took him on.”

“You hired him to bring me sludge?”

“That’s his new job. He’s been pretty much managing
my kids program. Saturday mornings, I run a boxing camp for six to
twelve year olds. It’s a small project, I can only handle about
four to six kids at a time, but it makes a difference.”

“I didn’t know. How long have you been doing
that?”

“Actually, it was Brandon’s idea. He and I started
it when he was about sixteen or so. We’ve had about a hundred kids
go through.”

“You teach them boxing?”

Steven takes my hand. “Judy I teach them what I
taught you. Good attitude and self confidence and defensive
skills.”

“So I was one of your kids?”

“No, my love, you are my shining star. I’m more
proud of my work with you than anyone I’ve ever had in the club.
Did Michael show you that photo I sent to you?”

“He described it to me. I remember that moment. It
was my first win.” She feels and hears her smile that hints of
pride.

“It’s been sitting on my desk, since that time. You
know I how feel about you and nothing’s changed. Think about it
sometime, remember what I told you. Despite what you think, I don’t
lie but maybe I’m guilty of not telling everything. I guess that’s
like lying.”

She’s instantly angry, “Don’t talk to me like that.
You’re married. You’ve moved on!”

“Hey Boss, didn’t see you there, Suz kept me busy,
but she’s getting all wrinkled and inpatient. I made her get out.”
She feels Michael looking at her. “Boss what did you do to Miss
Mason? She was feeling good today and now she’s upset. Whatever you
did, you should apologize. I’m sorry, Miss Mason, Boss is a great
guy but he lacks good people skills and common sense. I’m sure it
wasn’t intentional, Boss doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.”

“His name is Steven, Michael.”

“Yea, I know, but Boss works for us. Do I smell
food? I’m starved. Let me get Suz dry and changed before she
catches cold. Excuse me.”

“I’m not married, Judy. Deidre and I tried to take
our friendship to the next level, but it didn’t work for either of
us. We’re still friends and happy with things as they are.”

She can imagine the deep crease of disapproval
between his eyes. She doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t say
anything and she doesn’t want to think about any of it. She
breathes a sign of relief from Steven’s heavy as Michael and
Suzanne join them.

“Did you see me jump, Steven?”

“I did, Suzanne, those were big jumps. You were very
brave.”

“Not so brave, Michael was catching me. He wouldn’t
let me drown. Is that McDonald’s? Wow!”

The friendly chatter of the kids and excitement over
what seems to be an abundance of choices and food brings her back
to what’s happening now.

She did feel good and it felt good to feel good. She
recognizes that Steven was responsible for that and she gives him
the credit he earned. She laughs at herself. She’s one of his
projects, just one of his lost and struggling kids. Steven seems to
enjoy mentoring and is good at it, she can’t help but feel sorry
for him, he’ll fail with her because she’s dead she reminds
herself. A warm hand takes hers and puts a large hot something in
her hand.

“French fries. Large. Eat.”

She’s restless and
wandering around her apartment. Becky takes part of Saturday and
all day Sunday off to visit with her mother and family. Harriet is
baking bread. It’s usually makes her mouth water to smell it, but
today it unsettles her stomach.

She thinks about running and that was her intention
after Steven and the children left, but now she can’t quite seem to
find motivation. Think about what I told you, nothing’s changed,
Steven said.

“No! I’m not going back there ever again. I can’t do
it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore. Fool me once, shame on
you. Fool me twice, shame on me!”

She reaches for her running machine and starts to
run. Faster, longer, turn off the brain and imagine the wind in her
face. Feel only her feet hitting the sidewalks, leaping over the
curbs and garbage, quickly changing direction to avoid the gangs,
the hookers, the pimps and drug dealers in their big black cars,
she runs.

Flying across the street and through traffic and
into the shabby park, she runs. Dodging people by weaving in and
out of the trees, benches and garbage cans, she runs faster and
faster and until she’s out of the park and heading for home. She’s
faster than the traffic and flashes through the lanes, ignoring the
honks of car horns as she surprises the drivers.

Finally leaping over the curb she runs up the stairs
quickly punches in the code and slams the door behind her. Quietly
she takes the stairs two at a time, wary and cautious in case
someone is coming up or down and then she throws the locks on her
steel door and collapses on her futon and sleeps.

“Miss Mason you should
eat something. I’ve heated up Becky’s potato soup and made fresh
bread.”

Judy ignores Harriet’s plea because she doesn’t want
to be who she is now. She wants to be who she was before Simon and
before Steven. She wants to be at Stalwart and full of ideas and
energy and hope. When she was her, before she gave herself away to
Steven and then to Simon, she was strong and felt vibrant and her
step was sure and steady. She used to spit fire and face down lions
unafraid and confident she’d win.

They made her weak and dependent. They destroyed who
she was and then left her -- alone, shallow and empty. She lays
still and keeps her run wrapped around her and goes back to sleep
to forget.

“Becky said to call you, if I got worried about Miss
Mason. She ran on her runner for more than three hours. A couple of
times I thought she was going to fall off but she ran faster and
faster and then went to sleep. That’s been about ten hours ago. I
can’t wake her and I’m worried. Should I call an ambulance?”

She’s warm and comfortable. She feels arms wrapped
around her and a hard body flush against her back. She doesn’t
care. Her body doesn’t mean anything to her anymore. It’s as
useless to her as a worn out pair of running shoes -- fond memories
but they’re soft and shapeless and broken.

She knows its Steven. Harriet must have called him
when she wouldn’t get up to eat the bread she made. She hears his
steady breathing and realizes he’s asleep. He came to check on his
latest project dumped on him by Simon and fell asleep. If she
wasn’t so tired, she’d laugh. Whatever. She goes back to sleep.

She wakes up and stretches throwing her arms and
legs out wide. She’s alone in her bed. Other than his scent,
Steven’s gone. “Whatever.”

She rolls over and feels a sharp pain in her
stomach. She instinctively reaches down and feels something
electronic? A cell phone? It’s an MP3 player or something with
headphones. Lying on her back, she puts on the earphones and feels
the small keyboard. There’s a sticky something and she pushes on
it.

“Glad you finally woke up.” Steven’s voice and he’s
laughing. “I want you to know that I slept very well with you. I
feel rested and happy but I have to go. You slept well too. No
nightmares or cramps. Please continue to listen and then get up,
take a shower and get dressed. The kids and I will be by to get you
at one.”

“Control freak,” she says to the electronic player
and then she jumps to the high-volume sound of the “Rocky”
theme.