Trouble (31 page)

Because he isn’t there, is he?

It’s Gran. And I feel like crying because, instead of being genuinely overjoyed at seeing her, which I should be – which I
would
be – I’m crushed with disappointment. I let myself cry, but force a smile and bounce around and hug her really tightly. All the tighter because I know that really I
am
happier that it’s her and not Jay. Gran has stood by me all the way. When no one else knew, she was the one who didn’t judge and just let me do the right thing. Jay wouldn’t have done that.

And I’m squeezing her, hearing my voice saying how pleased I am to see her, how I’d no idea about any of this, but I’m not hugging her. I’m clinging on. If I let go too soon I’m going to fall apart.

AARON

There’s something wrong with Hannah. Since her gran walked through the door she’s been overexcitable, mirroring Lola, and I can see Paula biting her tongue because she doesn’t want to tell her fifteen-year-old daughter off in front of her friends. Gideon and Anj are laughing along – they don’t seem to see that Hannah’s mood is brittle, ready to snap under stress. Her smile is wider, brighter, toothier than ever, like she’s trying hard to convince us – to convince herself – that she’s happy.

She
loves
the presents. LOVES. THEM.

Her mum’s given her a bundle of baby towels and a bath set. Robert’s given her a piggy bank and we watched him slide a fifty in once it was out of the box. Lola handed over a cuddly lion that she immediately tried to reclaim once Hannah opened it. I see Hannah take an envelope from her gran as well as a present. She opens the present – a traditional-looking baby book – but pockets the envelope.

The cake is lovely. Paula’s an even better baker than my dad, and it’s light and fluffy, filled with whipped cream and strawberries and dusted with icing sugar. Lola’s written “BABY” in chocolate chips on the top. She started too far over and the “Y” is squashed along one side of the cake.

After we’ve eaten so much cake and sweets and home-baked party food that we’re approaching a collective diabetic coma, Hannah’s mum says she’s got to take Ivy back to Cedarfields and there ensues a teary goodbye. Gideon and Anj start carrying stuff up to the baby’s room and Robert takes Lola to go and feed the rabbit as I help Hannah clear up. Only Hannah’s stalled, staring at something on the kitchen calendar.

HANNAH

In today’s square Mum has written “BS” – code for baby shower, in case I’d bothered to look. Underneath I can see that she’s rubbed something out.

I take the calendar off the wall as Aaron comes and stands next to me.

AARON

Someone has rubbed out the words “Ask Jay?” from today’s box. There’s a quiet sniff from Hannah and I rest my hand on her shoulder.

“I thought Mum had gone to get him earlier.”

Suddenly her mood makes sense. Hannah’s fingers catch on the paper and she accidentally flips over to the week after next. In Saturday Lola has written “DADDY BIRTHDAY!” Again, the last few letters are squashed together to stay within the box.

HANNAH

And that’s when I get the idea.

MONDAY 24
^TH
MAY

HANNAH

Mum picks me up after Physics.

“How was it?”

“Meh.” It was meh minus mc
²
but she can wait until results day to find that out. Watching
The Big Bang Theory
with Robert was a waste of time. “Mum?”

“Ye-e-s?” She suspects something straightaway. Not a good sign.

“What are you doing for Robert’s birthday?”

“No. You can’t go out that night.”

“That’s not why I’m asking.” As if I
ever
go out these days. “I was just wondering.”

“
We
are having a nice family dinner.”

“We being?”

“The family. The clue is in the phrase ‘family dinner’, Hannah.”

FFS. “So Jay’s coming?”

I see her frown. Of course he’s not. Yet.

“He’s pretty busy. I asked him up for your party but…” she says.

“Robert’s birthday’ll be more his sort of thing, won’t it? He could just come up for the night. I bet if you paid his petrol…” I’m thinking that I’m pretty good at being crafty when I notice Mum’s looking at me and not the road ahead. I look at her and she looks back to the road.

“Miss him, do you?”

I hadn’t expected that. What do I say? “I suppose…”

“Of course you do. You two were very close.”

Oh God, what is she saying? Just stop, Mum, please.

“You could give him a call…?”

Nonononononono… “You know what he’s like, Mum. If I call him he’ll make an excuse about his exams or something.” Good one, lay the groundwork early. “If
you
ring, you can explain how much Robert’s missed him and he’ll understand.”

Mum swings the wheel round as we turn onto the main road and we sit in silence as she concentrates on merging into the traffic. Then, “That’s a good idea. Let’s do that.”

Nailed it.

AARON

At ten o’clock I get a call from Hannah.

“You should be revising History,” I say immediately. It’s her weakest subject after English and I know Dad has his concerns as to whether she’ll pass.

“For your information, Mr Tyler, I have been. Now can you put your son on? I need to talk to him.”

I smile. “He’s very busy watching videos of pugs dressed as superheroes on YouTube. This had better be important.”

My smile fades as she tells me why she called.

SATURDAY 5
^TH
JUNE

HANNAH

I’ve been standing under the stream of water for nearly fifteen minutes. I am clean and pink. The baby is awake and trying to get comfy inside my too-small body and I rest my hand on my belly and smile at its efforts. Water runs from my hair, down my shoulders, between my breasts and cascades over the bump. I don’t see the silver splashes where it hits the shower floor because my belly is so big that I can’t even see my toes. I hope the nail varnish Anj did before the exams isn’t too chipped and if it is, well, what am I going to do about it? I can barely reach my feet to put my shoes on and I’m not trusting Lola to paint them. I could ask Mum, I suppose.

I twist off the tap and stand, dripping for a moment, slicking my hands back over my hair and wringing out the ends before I get out, taking
loads
of care – I have proper paranoia about slipping and falling on the wet tiles. I wrap the towel around me and stand in the patch of sun from the window, snug inside my warm, soft cocoon. The baby presses a limb against something and I wince but it’s still on the move so it passes quickly.

I’m dry and wearing my favourite dress and leggings. I haven’t bothered with make-up. I predict tears today and I don’t want panda eyes – it’s bad enough I’m going to have puffy eyes. I have puffy everything at the moment. My ankles are a weird shape and my fingers are pretty swollen too. In some ways I’m looking forward to having the baby – at least then I might get my body back, even if it is different from how it was when this started.

I hear a squeal of laughter from the sitting room and psych myself up for what’s ahead. I stand on the top step and think about running back into my room, slamming the door shut and refusing to come out, like some diva who’s had the wrong champagne delivered backstage. Can I run away and hide? Please?

But running is all I’ve been doing and I’m tired. Time to stop and take a stand. There’s no justice in Jay getting away with it any longer – he’s the father. He doesn’t get to opt out. That’s all there is to it.

Pausing outside the door, I look round the frame, ready to see Jay and my little sister having fun without me. Robert’s there too, his two kids standing either side of him, showing him something on the Wii. Lola’s pretty party dress is tucked into her knickers so she can move around more easily, and a suit jacket I suppose must be Jay’s is lying on the sofa. Mum comes up behind me and rests a hand on my shoulder and I turn to see her watching them too, a warm, happy smile on her face.

Can I really do this?

There’s a knock on the door and Mum frowns. She’s not expecting more guests and I duck under her arm, beating her to it. I open the door to Aaron, dressed as if he’s come for dinner, although he should have come dressed for war.

I say nothing, just step into his arms.

“This is it,” I say and Aaron kisses the side of my head.

AARON

I can feel her quaking as I hold her.

“This is it,” I say, wishing it wasn’t. When she lets go I have to fight the urge to pull her back and tell her that she doesn’t need to do this. She doesn’t need Jay.

But needing and wanting are different things. She can pretend that this is about ending the lies, but it isn’t only that, it is because, even after everything he’s done, Hannah still wants Jay.

HANNAH

Mum’s gone into the sitting room to join the others so when we walk in it’s to face all four of them.

“Aaron!” Mum sounds as surprised as she looks. “We weren’t expecting you.”

“Happy birthday, Robert,” Aaron says and hands him a card and a bottle of whisky – good stuff that I reckon he’s nicked from his dad. We both know Robert’s going to need that later.

“Er … thank you.” Robert looks baffled.

All this time I’ve been avoiding looking at Jay, but I can’t hold it off any longer. His lips are pressed so tight together they’ve turned white and with his short hair and stubble he looks dangerous. And he’s looking at me.

AARON

Paula looked at the clock when I walked in and when she turns back to me I can tell that she thinks I’m intruding.

“I didn’t know you were coming over, Aaron. We’re about to go out for dinner…”

“Aaron can come too!” Lola bounces over to hug me, knocking into a vase of flowers, spilling water all over her dress and the carpet. I bend over and right the vase as Hannah’s mum fusses over Lola, telling her to go and get changed whilst she cleans this mess up.

Lola bounds upstairs saying she’ll choose something Daddy would like and I feel Hannah tense as her mum comes back in with a tea towel.

“Honestly, I don’t know what’s got into that child today. She’s been mad with excitement about you coming, Jay—”

HANNAH

“Jay’s the father.”

Oh God, there must have been a better way to do it than that. Mum’s looking at me as if she has no idea what I just said and Jay’s looking at me with nothing but fury in his eyes. I daren’t look at Robert. I daren’t.

I open my fingers and Aaron’s hand is there almost before I knew I was reaching for it. Is he trembling too, or is that just me? It’s me. I’m terrified.

“Hannah?” Mum. Her eyes are pleading when I meet her gaze, as if she’s asking me to take back the words, swallow them as if they never existed.

“Jay’s the father of my baby,” I say again, quieter this time.

“Aaron?”

I just shake my head and feel his thumb brush the side of my hand. We agreed he should stay quiet, he’s here to give me the strength to do this myself.

“Jason?” Robert’s voice. I look up and he’s looking at Jay, who is still looking at me and not at his father. When Jay says nothing, Robert repeats his name. “Jason, what’s going on?”

I look at Jay. Don’t just leave this to me, Jay. Please don’t. Say something, say anything.

“I don’t know what she’s talking about.”

“What?” I hear Aaron’s voice chiming in with mine.

“Hannah’s lying.”

When I said “say anything” I didn’t mean
that
. The horror of what I’m hearing has sealed my throat and frozen my face. He’s saying I’m a liar? He’s telling them I’m making this up? How can he do this?

I step forward straight onto a soggy patch of carpet.

“Sit down, Hannah,” Mum says, then calls up the stairs to Lola to tell her to practise her birthday dance for Daddy before she comes down. I sit on the second sofa, Aaron next to me, Mum and Robert on the other one and Jay on my favourite armchair. He and I used to fight over it, sitting on one another, trying to crush the other into submission, until we’d give up and squash into it together. Bet I’d win if I sat on him now.

“Why are you saying this, Hannah?” Mum says. I don’t know whether that means she believes me or that she doesn’t.

“Because it’s true. Jay and I … we … and…” I look at her and hope she understands what I’m saying.

“You two slept together.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

I stare at him, but his eyes are narrow and sharp and ready to cut through my soul.

“Why are you doing this?” I whisper, the words catching on my tears as they come out.

“Why are you?” Jay says, but there’s no sadness in his voice that I can hear. Just anger.

I have no answer to this and I look at him, tears flowing down my face. Does he know how much he’s hurting me? Can’t he
see
?

“It’s Dad’s birthday and you’re saying all this. Why, Hannah? Why would you do that to Dad?” Jay’s warming up now and I can hear he thinks this is going to work.

“Jason—” Robert puts a hand on his arm, warning him to stop, then turns to me. “If this is a joke, it’s not very funny.”

Even though I’m dreading it, I manage to meet his eyes. They’re hard and bright, like Jay’s, but they’re not unkind, just lost, disappointed in me for making up such lies about his beloved son.

“It’s not a joke,” Aaron says. Robert and Mum look over at him as if they’d forgotten he could talk. “Hannah slept with Jay and now she’s about to have his baby.”

Jason looks at Aaron with loathing. “You’re not going to listen to him – he’s just trying to worm his way out of it, isn’t he?”

Mum and Robert glance at each other. They might have a hard time thinking Jay’s the father, but they’d have a harder time believing this is Aaron’s idea.