Trouble (21 page)

              “Can you guys give Lannie and me a minute alone please?” They all shuffle out the door and I think she is going to lay into me, but she doesn’t. She hands me her dress and I go to work.

              “Lannie, am I doing the wrong thing?” I stop and look up to her. She is serious.

              “Do you love Brandon? Do you think about him day and night? Do you feel the air become thick and you instantly know that he is there because of the connection between you too that so strong?” She smiles at me and nods.

              “Well than no I don’t think you are doing the wrong thing.” I go back to sewing gems onto her dress.

              “Do you love him?” I assume she means Jake.

              “Yes I do love Jake.” I finish the last gem and help her into it. I look at her face and then it hits me.

              “Rhonda, It doesn’t matter whether I love him or not. All that matters is that he loves you and you love him. What other people think and do is none of your guys business.” I go to let the others in, but she stops me.

              “Lannie, I need to know. I need the truth for once. Please. It won’t change my mind. I promise I just need to know.” I swallow, how in the world do I tell her I love her soon to be husband?

              “I do. I love him and I think that a part of me will always love him. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have or love Jake. I do. So go marry him, he is lucky to have you.” She hugs me and smiles as we exit the room and head towards the ceremony. I just keep telling myself one foot in front of the other. Simple. One foot in front of the other. We reach the part where the bridesmaids come thru one door and the groomsman come thru the other and meet in the middle and walk down the aisle together until they reach the stage and separate. I am lucky number one since the maid of honor got food poisoning. I’m meeting up with Gage. Ashley wasn’t that thrilled, but it’s his best man and now that I’m now the maid of honor we get to. She did tell me she was happy it was me not the other one. The music starts and I glance behind me at Ashley and then Rhonda. She nods at me as silently telling me she is okay. I open the door and I’m more focused on Gage right now. I cannot look up there for if I do I may break. I feel the tears welling up and I’m slapped in my heart one last time. It’s real. He is not marrying me, but her. I reach Gage who sees my eyes and he knows. I take his arm and we turn to face the stage. My head is bent down.

              “Lannie, there is people taking pictures you have to raise your head.” Gage whispers into my ear. I take a deep breath and when I raise it I forgot how to walk. There he is, he stands so tall on the stage, wearing a tux, with his haired fixed neatly. He has been staring at me because when I raise my head our eyes locked instantly. I have the urge to cry, but I hold it together somehow. Gage is guiding me when we reach the stage I see the moisture in Brandon’s eyes and it makes it that much harder to control my crying. We separate and I stand in a spot that would break the remainder of my heart. I stare at him as I know Rhonda isn’t due to walk down yet. He steals small glances and one time I see the tear slide down his cheek. This right here was our goodbye and it was the hardest one yet. I nod at him because I don’t know what else to do. The music blares and they play Bob Carlisle Butterfly Kisses as Rhonda is being walked down by her dad. I stare at her or at lease my head does my eyes are trained on Brandon. I pretend that the tear that has escaped my eye is for Rhonda when it isn’t. It is actually for the breaking and shattering of my heart that once was so strong is now nothing and I feel as though it may never be.

              “Who gives this bride to this man?” I’m tuning things out because that was it. I stood there staring at Brandon. Ashley touches my hand and I hold hers. I was losing it. The pastor was going on and on about their love, happy, and together. I hate that I’m the girl who ruins it. During the ceremony I see Brandon take glances at me and apparently Rhonda does to. At one point my head is looking at my shoes and she turns to see I’m not looking. That was a breaking point I am sure.

              “We will begin with the vows now. Rhonda you may go first,” She nods at him. I know that once this is over it’s the "I DO’S" and then there married.

              “Brandon, do you love her?” The whole auditorium gasped as she speaks. I shoot my face up staring at him in the eye. Brandon lie. He closes his eyes and opens them up and everyone is on edge staring and waiting. They don’t know who “her” is, but damnit I do.

              “Rhonda.” She cuts him off.

              “Don’t lie to me. She didn’t lie to me when I asked her. I need to know the truth. Do you love her Brandon?” His eyes dart to me and back to her. Right there unknowingly he just gave her the answer.

              “Rhonda, I do. But the love that I have for her and the love I have for you are different. It is complicated, but it’s you.” She turns to me and I see sad, but happy in her eyes. She hugs me and looks up to me.

              “He isn’t my happily ever after and I’m starting to think that he never was. He is yours. Don’t let him slip away because the next girl may not care that the man she is about to marry is really standing there crying because he will lose the one he’s supposed to marry. I’m not stupid. The sadness and the glances to you is all over his face. I’ve known him since college. I will be here for you Lannie. But I am going to go ahead and leave.” She hugs me, kisses Brandon’s cheek.  And walks off stage and out the door. Brandon stands there unsure on how to react as all of us are. Ashley grabs my hand and drags me out of the church as I see Brandon runs after not me, but Rhonda. I am standing outside the church as we wait for Gage to figure out what to do. I’m smoking cigarette after cigarette unable to process what just happened. Ashley heads inside to see what to do. I on the other hand am watching the guest come out one by one. I feel the drop of the rain. I should do what most people do and get under somewhere, but I can’t. I should have lied. It starts to pour and I still don’t move. I see Brandon walk out of the church and my heart stops. He looks devastated. I caused this. He glances in my direction and when I think that he is going to walk back inside he starts walking fast towards me in the pouring rain. He gets to me and I look over to see all these people staring at us.

              “Why in hell couldn’t you have lied? Huh?” He is shouting at me as the rain is rolling down him soaking him by the second.

              “She asked me not to. I told her that she belonged with you though. I made sure we were okay before I walked down the aisle. You were the one who was crying, because it wasn’t me and I was also. So no this isn’t my fault.” He shoves his hands through his soaked hair making it look messy just the way that I like it.

              “What? You can be happy with someone, but I can’t? That isn’t fair Lannie. I love you, but damnit I can’t have you and now I’m alone while you get to live it up in New York. I never want to see you again. You hear me never. Now if you will excuse me I’m going to try to find Rhonda. I want you gone by the time I walk back out of this church. You can see Mark. I won’t keep him from you, but I will make it where Gage picks him up. I do not want to ever see you again. I knew you were trouble from day one. I knew playing with fire would get me burned again. It wasn’t worth it. Bye Lannie.” I’m trying to gasp for air as he walks off. Ashley and Gage hear it all. Everyone did. She rushes over. I grab my phone from her and leave.

              I sit here at the airport waiting for my flight, because I have nowhere else to go. I changed it as soon as I got back to my house today. I wasn’t going to stay somewhere I was no longer wanted. My phone vibrates in my hand and I see its Brandon. I hit ignore. I’m not in a mood to hear why it’s my fault again. Ashley calls, I hit ignore, Jake calls I hit ignore, and finally Gage calls and I hit ignore. I power down the phone. I’m on my fourth cup of Starbucks and sitting at airport in a dress. Why didn’t I change?

              “Lannie?” I look and see Rhonda standing there looking at me.

              “Umm why are you at the airport. You realize they are looking for you especially Brandon.” She’s smiling and sits down next to me. For someone who gave up her wedding and walked out is sure happy.

              “I know I talked to my dad told him it was no one’s fault I just didn’t think Brandon was my soul mate. He said he would take care of things. And yeah I just talked to Brandon. He just left actually.” Wait he was at the airport. Why was he calling me?

              “So did he say what he told me?” She frowns as she nods.

              “He’s an ass at times. Stubborn as hell. He knows that you are the one, but the only problem is that it hasn’t gone from his heart to his brain. He chased me down to make sure that I was okay. I do hope that you get together because that would mean the wedding I walked out on was for nothing.” I hug her. Then board my plane that is being called. I get on and think how I’m explaining this one to Jake.

              I arrive in New York around ten at night. As I’m making my way to my door, I stop. I go to Jake’s door and knock on it. I wait thinking another late night at the office. I hear the shuffling of the locks and when the door opens it is anything, but what I was expecting. He stands there in boxers looking as to be asleep. He was asleep, he was home. I lost it I broke down almost falling to the ground when he caught me carrying me. He took me to his bed and laid me down. I bawled like a baby for everything and my emotions.

              “Would you like to stay the night Lannie? I have missed you and got all the papers fixed and done. I have nowhere to be tomorrow, but with you.” I nod as I slip my shoes off and while still in the dress I crawl into him and fall asleep. It isn’t the same comfort as Brandon, but it’s all I have now.

              The sunshine’s bright and I stare at the clock. It says noon on it and I am just shocked I slept so long. The toll of the days really does catch up to you. I look over to find that Jake isn’t there. I stretch and hop out of bed. I am no longer in the dress, but one of his t-shirts. I make my way into the living room and see he is on the phone in the kitchen talking about me. Must be Ashley. I sit on the couch waiting and I glance at the table and see a paper that is about a lawsuit against Jake for sexual harassment with an employee. I check the dates this happened while we were together. I was still living in Florida. I can’t believe this. I grab the whole folder and read it. It goes on and on about how he had his way with her without her permission. I see that he proved it was consensual with text. This is the big case that he has been working on. Are you kidding me? I walk towards the kitchen as he smiles at me. I throw the folder on the counter and instantly that smile fades. He tells whoever is on the phone he has to go.

              “Baby, it isn’t what you’re thinking?” Huh, let see how he smooth talks his way out this one.

              “Really? Enlighten me than.” I sit on the bar stool waiting

              “Okay so I had a sex only thing going with the old VP at work. Well I knew that I should have called it off when we were getting serious, but I didn’t. Not until a week before you were due to move here. So when I did call it off she quit. Then a week later I had a lawsuit. I of course hired a new VP and she has been trying to help me and did. Now it is dismissed, because I did have evidence. I’m a jerk I know. I shouldn’t have lied to you, but since you have been here I have been faithful. I promise baby.” It all makes sense now. Why Ashley told me he doesn’t think he is cheating now. Now being a big key word.

              “So what you can only be fateful when I’m in the same state? Really?” This should hurt me, but it doesn’t. It really makes me a little relieved.

              “No that isn’t it. I love you.” I guess since my feeling for Brandon is sort of the same.

              “Well okay then. I guess let’s just see where this goes. I’m going home and shower. I will see you at six for dinner.” He kisses my forehead and I leave. This has been the most fucked up birthday, considering no one told me happy birthday. I go into my apartment and see a package on the counter. I open it up and smile. It’s just a card.

             
Lannie, I am not sure when you will read this, but here are all the colors for your eighteenth birthday. Hope that you enjoy them. XOXO Jake.

              I don’t get it. Oh well. I lie it on the counter and head to my room. I take a shower and walk into my closet to get a shirt and trip.

              “Are you fucking kidding me?” I yell. I turn on the light and am almost knocked back on my ass. There is every kind of glitter color Marc Jacobs shoes that they make. I sit on the ground in a towel and cry. There is a knock on my door and I’m too tired from crying to answer it.

              “Lannie?” I look up and see Jake standing there. Damn he still sexy.

              “I love my shoes.” He smiles and sits with me on my floor.

              “Hey now don’t cry. Happy Birthday. Well late, but I did notice you wore the silver ones so Happy Birthday.” I hug and kiss him.

              “So want to get dress and have a movie night?” I nod as I get ready. Maybe he is my happily ever after, I’m so confused. I look over on the couch to Jake. He isn’t Brandon, but he is here and he isn’t so therefore, maybe it can work.

CHAPTER 12

              The weeks flew by and with that came the months. I haven’t spoken to Brandon since the day he told me he never wanted to see me again. Gage has brought Mark up here a few times. I told Mark I would be home for Thanksgiving, but that was a lie. I stayed in New York. Than Christmas approached and I told him again that I would be there, but I was a no show. I was turning into the girl who breaks promises. Ashley has gone home for all holidays, only because I forced her into going. Now we are in the second semester of school and I hate it. I have no life. Home, school, and shop is all I consist of. Jake and I didn’t last much longer. I thought that I could make it work as he did too, but in the end we ended up killing each other almost. We took a step back wondering what happened. Now we are the good friends. We make plans to hang out at least once a week to get me out of a routine he says. I think this is better for everyone. I have spoken to Rhonda more than I ever had when she was with Brandon. She does give me little updates as well as Gage and Ashley, but it still isn’t the same as it would be if he would call me or text? I should have answered the phone in the airport. The bell rings indicting class is about to begin.

              “Lannie, we have a class together. Yay.” I look to see Ashley coming up to the seats. I’m glad we finally have one together.

              “I know. I wonder if Mr. Ingram is going to be a hard ass like he was last year from what people say.” She smiles. It’s been a minute and still no teacher. That’s weird. I look up to see the dean Mrs. Ross standing there.

              “Hello class, Mr. Ingram has retired and is no long with us at this school. So we have a new teacher. He is amazing one at that and is new so treat him with respect” She walks out of the class and we all start talking. I begin to start on the essay that I was given in first period. I am on a roll.

              “Lannie. Lannie. God damnit Lannie.” I snap my head towards Ashley who apparently has been trying to get my attention.

              “What?” She is trying to get my attention somewhere, but I don’t see where. I suddenly feel hot, the air is thickening, and the tingles go up all around. This only happens when.

              “Miss. Rogers and Miss. Clark. I’m glad to see you girls haven’t changed.” My eyes grow wide as I stare at Ashley. She is beaming.

              “Was trying to tell you.” This is a dream. Damn no this is Déjà vu again. I won’t look ahead, I won’t look ahead. I stare at my notebook trying to win the power over my head. I stay looking at my feet. Ashley is poking me with a pencil.

              “What now?” She isn’t speaking to me. The room becomes very quiet or I think.

              “Miss. Clark?”  The voice is closer this isn’t happening. I turn and look up, there he is. Oh my god. The time has only made him look better, damn. His hair was tasseled around and his sweater vest was actually sexy. He can’t be my teacher. His eyes were the brown that I grew to love.

              “Can I help you sir?” I look down to see to another teacher standing there. He’s a bit older maybe late thirties early forties. He looks to be a teacher. I’m so confused. He looks at me and winks before walking down there.

              “Sorry was just giving Miss. Clark something.” The teacher looks at Ashley and me.

              “Are you new here as well?” As well?

              “No, I’m actually a history professor at Columbia University. Like I said I was just giving Miss. Clark something. Good day sir.” I watch him turn to me and wink one more time before exiting the classroom. He wasn’t my teacher, but he is a teacher in New York. He moved here because of me.

              “Ashley what in the hell is going on.” She smiles at me.

              “Go get your Prince Charming Lannie.” I shake my head no.

              “Lannie, at least go talk to him you never know.”  I hop up grabbing my things I make it to the door before the teacher stops me.

              “Ma’am I need you take your seat please.” I look at Ashley.

              “Sorry it’s that time of month and no way in hell am I going to sit thru the introduction and have blood leaking all over my white shorts. I’m going to the bathroom.” He nods as the class looks at me and Ashley laughs. We were back. I didn’t even know if he would still be there. He did have to work as well. I make it outside and almost give up.

              “I knew you would come for me. Just didn’t think it would have taken you that long. Almost gave up.” I hear the voice and turn around and sure enough there he is. Is this even real? Is he even here?

              “Oh you think that is the reason? I thought it was because I need a cigarette the teacher isn’t nearly half as fun as you are.” I walk towards the parking lot. I have a feeling I wasn’t going back to class, not for today that is.

“So how freaked out where you thinking that I was your teacher all over again?” I want to ask so many questions about this, but I can’t.

              “That wasn’t funny. I seriously thought that I was going to have a heart attack and that would have been on you.” He glances at my wrist and points towards it.

              “I got it few months ago. It’s my life and I need to love it.” He grabs my wrist and I feel the tingles all the way from his fingers to my toes. We are connected as one and we have always been.

              “It suites you. So have dinner plans?” I think, I do with Jake, but I can change that.

              “Nope, nothing I can’t move around. What time?” He still has my wrist and I wish that we can stay like this forever.

              “I will pick you up around seven.” He drops my hand and walks away. Does he even know where I live? I head back inside hoping I can get through this day.

              The day flew by and today was always the worst, because my Monday classes, there were five and the rest of the week there were two expect for Wednesday and Friday. I was off those days. I was getting nervous by the minute. I call Jake and we talk all the way home about it. He started dating this lady about a month ago who is always so sweet and kind. She accepted that we are friends, which in his book was number one. He wants me to be happy; he also knows that is with Brandon. He’s confused that he didn’t know either about the job. I found out his family funds money to Columbia just to help it. Now I’m sitting here in this wonderful blue flowing dress and of course one of the many pair of Marc Jacob glitter shoes. I love them all and now I decided on the black. I hear the knock on the door and I freak a little.

              “Lannie why are you freaking out?”  She stares at me and that is why I am.

              “I never had been on a real date with Brandon, Ash.” She smiles at me. Grabs my hand and drags me towards the living room. I step out and see him sitting on the couch talking to Gage. He is dressed in denim blue jeans, a baby blue button up shirt and dress shoes. He stops in mid conversation and turns towards me. We stare at each other for so long that Ashley and Gage disappear into the other room.

              “Wow Lannie.” I blush. We walk out the door and towards his jeep. I am nervous on the drive over there and all I can see is that the clouds are becoming dark and I wonder if it is going to rain? We pull up to a seafood restaurant and he helps me out. Once we are inside and seated I think I need to ask all the right questions before I even try anything.

              “Brandon, we need to talk.” He looks up and nods his head. The waitress shows up and runs through the specials. He orders us a Gin and Coke and I am surprise that she doesn’t ID me, then I notice she is too busy flirting with him. Ugh woman.              

              “Lannie, I know, but now?” I think about it if it doesn’t happen now it will never happen.

              “Please?” He nods his head as the waitress takes our order and gives us our drinks. I didn’t know if I should go first or what. I open my mouth, but he stops me.

              “Lannie, what I said to you that day was horrible. I was just angry and upset. More at myself than you or Rhonda. I was upset that I was standing there supposed to be marrying her and as soon as I spotted you walking in that door my heart shattered. More so that I could never be the one that you walk towards with. Once Gage made you look up and our eyes where connected I saw different. I didn’t see the pink bridesmaid dress, but a flowing white wedding dress. I saw you as a bride not as the maid. I pictured myself standing there marrying you not her. I felt sick that I was having these feelings on my wedding day about a woman who wasn’t even my soon to be wife. It was tearing me apart, because I would never get that with you. I didn’t even know the tear fell from my eye. I haven’t cried in so long. That right there did something to my heart that I can’t even explain. You stood there staring at me and I couldn’t take my eyes off you. Then she walked down the aisle and I knew whether I could admit it or not that she wasn’t the right one. I knew it, because when she walked down I didn’t feel half the emotion I did when you did and she was the one I was marrying. I glanced one more time at you before she got to me and I saw that you were breaking. That I was causing you to break. It tore me up. Throughout the ceremony I was blank. I don’t remember anything until Rhonda asked me if I loved you. I was shocked and didn’t know what was going on. I couldn’t lie I wanted too, but when she told me that you told her that you loved me, yeah that is where I got pissed. I thought that you did it on purpose. I ran after her because how would that look to chase you? I couldn’t find her. I walked outside and saw you sitting in the rain. You looked like a mess. I didn’t expect to go off on you, but I did. I had no right to say that to you and I’m sorry. I found her later at the airport and we talked. She told me what really happened and she was okay with it, because she knows we were meant for each other. I thanked her and left. I tried to call you, but no luck even had Ashley and Gage call you, but nothing. Than Rhonda texted me. She told me you were there and that I needed to give you space. The more the space the anger I grew at myself. I took it upon myself that if I want something I have to go get it. Applied to Columbia and they needed me right away. Mark didn’t want to come though so I asked Rhonda if she mind letting him stay with her for the semester until I know if this permanent. He told me that if it did work out he may not want to move here.” That was a crap load. I can’t process all these at once. It’s so hard.  He loves me. Mark.

              “Lannie?” I hold finger up trying process everything that has been told to me. Can this really be happening?

              “Okay, first off if Mark is truly happy I can’t ask him to leave I wouldn’t want that. As for the wedding. That was the most intense thing ever. I really was scared when she asked me if I loved you. I mean I know she knew, but I guess I wanted her to know the honesty behind it. But Brandon you ran after her and you told me you never wanted to see me again. Even made arrangements for me to not see you with Mark. I don’t get why you would up and leave without anyone knowing. Seeing you marry someone else hurt me, but the fact that you were crying for me on your wedding day my tore the heart more than anything. I’m not sure if we can be together since all we cause is pain in each other. That is how it always is. What makes you think this time will be any different?” I start picking at my food. I was no longer hungry. I just want answers I’m confused on how to start with this.

              “Want to know when I knew that you were the one for me? I mean the real deal and I was going to get you no matter what?” I look up curious more than ever now. I nod my head.

              “It was the first week of school. I walked up the same stairs that you crashed into me; I walked into the same classroom where I knew you were going to be trouble. I stood there at a seat that you once sat at. I watched you grow from a badass to a person. It was the beginning of the frat party at the house and I sat on that bench thinking how I stared at you for hours, dancing, flirting, and having a great time. I remembered I couldn’t contain myself when I saw you alone and had to speak to you. That night changed it all. I saw a glimpse into the real you rather you knew it or not. I saw a unique Lannie that not many get to see. I couldn’t stay. I left and went home and it was like I was replaying the night in my head. I slept in the guest room that night while Mark went out with Rhonda. Like I did that night, when I awoke I walked into the kitchen and remembering seeing you and you looked like a hot mess, but damnit if it wasn’t the most amazing sight ever. I was so thankful when you agreed to go to the beach house, because I wouldn’t of been able to go if not. You looked like an angel with the ocean in front of you. That weekend changed me forever and I knew in that moment no matter where I go or what I do you were always going to be on my mind. Lannie you are it for me. I know that we need to still take it day by day, but I’m willing to do that for you.” I know what my heart wants, but another broken heart will send me over the edge.

              “Can we enjoy the night and see what tomorrow brings?” he smiles and nods. I just hope that tomorrow brought this right here. We talk about everything from school to how he came to decision to move. We laugh as I told him about Jake, but that we are great friends. He didn’t seem jealous only because he and Rhonda are great friends too of course. But she does have a boyfriend. I never wanted this night to end. He tells me that he lives about a mile down the road. I wish it were the same complex, but oh well. He pulls up and leans in to kiss me and the way his tongue slides into my mouth makes me moan. The simplest of pleasures and I’m about combust right here. We pull away and are breathing heavy. I kiss his cheek and get out of the car, because I know if I don’t, then something will happen. I walk my little ass to my place. Once inside I see no one is awake. I look at the clock and notice it is one in the morning. Shit. I’m going to be dragging tomorrow. I walk into bedroom strip and climb into bed hoping that tomorrow is a better day.