True Confessions (17 page)
Authors: Electa Rome Parks
A couple of weeks later I got up the nerve to call Drake and invite him to lunch. It was finally time for us to talk. Luckily, I was able to leave the invite on his voice mail. I didn’t know if it was me, or if I was just being self-conscious. It seemed more and more people were whispering and staring when I walked on the floor. I had to put a stop to Drake’s spreading of vicious rumors and to let him know that there was no possibility of us getting back together. Ever. His actions had made sure of that.
I asked him to meet me at Gorin’s, around the corner from our building. I figured as long as we were in a public setting, it wouldn’t be a big deal that we were eating lunch together. For all anyone knew, we could have been having a business lunch and discussing a client. And even better, Drake couldn’t try anything with an audience. Around one o’clock, I made the short walk over. I had serious butterflies in my stomach. I was extremely nervous about seeing him again and talking. Sometimes Drake intimidated me and had a way of twisting things around to make me appear stupid. I was determined not to let that happen this time.
When I walked through the doors, initially I didn’t see Drake seated at the back booth. Then I heard his deep voice. He was in conversation with one of the ladies from my floor. Connie was flirting her butt off and making sure her more than ample cleavage was smack in his face. I knew Drake was drooling because he loved big breasts. At one point, he had tried to talk me into getting breast implants because he said they would make me sexier. He was even willing to pay for the procedure.
I ignored them and walked over to the counter to place my usual order. By the time I had my almond chicken sandwich, chips, pickle, and soda, Connie had headed out the door and back to work, with Drake now checking out her ample rear end.
I strolled over and slowly seated myself at Drake’s booth. The restaurant wasn’t that crowded. Only a few other customers were quietly eating, or reading the newspaper or a book. The bulk of the rush-hour lunch crowd had dissipated. Ironically, Drake had ordered the same meal I had except for the soda.
“Hello. You look pretty today,” he stated, brushing my hair out of my face. I tensed from his touch.
“Hey. We need to talk,” I blurted out right away.
“You still don’t have any manners? You can’t say thank you when someone gives you a compliment?” he asked, offended.
“I didn’t come here for compliments. We need to talk.”
“Talk then,” he shouted.
“Why are you spreading nasty rumors about me?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Like hell.”
“Kennedy, cursing doesn’t become you.”
“Drake, why are you doing this to me?”
“I’ve already told you, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Are you calling me a liar?”
“If the shoe fits.”
“You’re pretty bold sitting up in this restaurant talking all this smack. If we were behind closed doors, you wouldn’t be so bad.”
“I repeat, why are you doing this to me? Because I broke up with you?”
“Correction, I broke it off with your ass. Don’t get it twisted. I can’t have a girlfriend who I can’t trust further than I can throw her.”
“Is that really the way you’ve placed what happened in that twisted, sick mind of yours?”
“I didn’t agree to meet you to listen to your insults, baby.”
“The truth hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, I guess it does since you can’t seem to admit to any of yours,” he accused.
“You really believe your lies, don’t you?”
Drake clapped his hands three times. “You know, I applaud you, Kennedy. For once, you are standing up for yourself.”
“I got sick and tired of people like you using and abusing me.”
“I didn’t do anything to you that you didn’t enjoy.”
“I thought we could discuss this like two mature adults. I see I was wrong as usual when it concerns you. There is only one adult here today and it’s not you.”
I still hadn’t touched my sandwich. Only taken a few sips of soda.
Glancing at my soda, he said, “I thought you had stopped drinking sodas. How many times do I have to tell you those things are not good for you? Drink water.”
“No,
you
wanted me to stop. And you still haven’t answered my question.” I took another long sip as Drake leaned back, giving me his full attention.
“What question?”
“Drake, please, playing stupid doesn’t become you. Let me go. I’m not the one for you. I never was.”
“Kennedy, I don’t know what illusions you have in that pretty little head of yours, but I’m not restraining you. I’ve moved on.”
“With Miss Reynolds?”
“And if I have, what’s it to you?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t even matter.”
“Oh, it matters. You can’t stand the thought of me inside her.”
“You’re sick, you know that? You derive pleasure out of degrading others. Does that make you feel bigger? More of a man?”
“No, the problem is that you couldn’t please your man and then to do what you did.”
I felt tears forming in my eyes. “Will you just shut up talking about that night? Shut up. That wasn’t my fault.”
“Oh, here come the tears. Why wasn’t it your fault? You let it happen. And I thought I could trust you,” he whispered, leaning in closer to me.
With tears in my eyes, I leaned back in the booth. “I can’t believe I thought I loved you at one time; I would have done anything for you. I let you take me places no other man had ever taken me.” I sighed. “God, I was so wrong. You are so handsome on the outside, but inside you are ugly and evil.”
Drake reached up to caress my cheek. “I never forced you to do anything you didn’t want to do. In fact, I never laid a hand on you. Never hit you or raised my voice to you in aggression. Remember that.”
“That’s what’s so sad. I fell willingly into your trap.”
Suddenly, Drake’s demeanor changed. “Baby, I know you don’t believe me, but I do love you. And I miss you. Brittany doesn’t mean a damn thing to me. She’s just something to do to pass the time.”
“Love me? Huh? You don’t know the meaning of the word. You only love yourself and that big, massive ego of yours. You wouldn’t know how to begin to give love, only how to possess.”
“Let’s give it another try. I’ll make it up to you, Kennedy. I promise. We can go away for the weekend and talk some more.”
“You haven’t heard a word I said. It’s over. Leave me alone.”
“Let’s go check into the hotel across the street,” he said, reaching for my hand. “I’ll make you feel so good.”
“Let go of me. I knew this would be a waste of time,” I said, rising to leave. “You haven’t heard a word I have said. I need to learn to trust my better judgment. This was a mistake.”
“Where are you going?”
“Anywhere but here. Call one of your other women.”
He leaned in closer. “But, I wanna eat
your
pussy. I miss that little moan you make right before you come in my mouth.”
“I hate your ass,” I screamed, throwing my cup of soda in his lap.
“You crazy bitch. This isn’t over. Not by a long shot,” he screamed, jumping up and grabbing paper napkins off the table.
“Oh, yes, it is. If you bother me again, I promise I’ll file sexual harassment charges against you.”
“And who do you think they’ll believe? I’ll air all your filthy laundry. We both know it’s pretty dirty.”
“I did all those things to please you.”
“You’ll be the one who comes across looking like a slut.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Just stay away from me, or better yet, drop dead,” I screamed, running out the door.
After that disastrous lunch encounter, I went to extreme measures to avoid seeing Drake. I came to the conclusion that he wasn’t one to be rational with. According to the rumor mill circulating throughout the office, he and Brittany were hitting it hard and strong.
Better her than me. Let him stick his dirty dick in her.
Maybe he’d forget about me and concentrate on making somebody else’s life miserable.
Drake and Brittany deserved each other. Her reputation as a backbiting, backstabbing, and conniving female was quickly spreading. Most associates agreed that the “b” in her first name stood for something other than Brittany.
I was minding my own business the following Thursday. I had returned from walking down to the Varsity restaurant for onion rings and a vanilla milk shake. I wasn’t really looking at my surroundings, or paying much attention to anyone or anything in particular.
I was in my own little world. The night before, Mother told me that she and Daddy had talked again, for almost another two hours. I could hear the excitement and happiness as it seeped into her voice. I was happy for them. I smiled warmly inside because I knew she had never stopped loving Daddy and she had finally forgiven him. One day I hoped to find true love. Someone who complemented me as opposed to diminishing my spirit. In the meantime, I was willing to be by myself and love myself.
I had walked into the building, approaching the security desk, when I spotted
them
coming in my direction. I panicked. I was like a deer caught in blaring headlights. Totally blind. For a few brief seconds, I stood there with a shocked expression on my face and my mouth wide open. I wanted to run and hide. I frantically looked from side to side, but there was nowhere to escape. I noticed a few people pass by and look at me curiously as my heartbeat sped up. I couldn’t catch my breath; I thought I would hyperventilate on the spot. My palms were sweaty. I dropped my bag of onion rings and stooped to retrieve them with my head spinning the entire time.
By this time, Drake and his brother had spotted me and were headed my way. Drake was dressed casually in khaki pants and a polo shirt. As usual, he was looking like he stepped off the pages of
GQ
magazine. I looked away and my mind went blank. All I could think about was how my vanilla milk shake was melting and how my onion rings were getting cold.
“Blake, you remember Kennedy, don’t you?” Drake asked, standing directly in front of me. Only a few inches separated us.
“Of course, how could I forget this lovely lady?” he stated, pulling me close for a hug.
“Blake is in town for a couple of days.”
I still hadn’t uttered a single word.
“Can you believe I was able to convince my brother to cut his day short and put in a few rounds of golf?” Blake asked.
I looked from one to the other.
“Do you play?” Blake inquired.
“Kennedy?” Drake laughed, answering for me. “Kennedy’s sport is just looking pretty.”
“It’s a damn shame that you and Drake split up. I thought you were good for him. You slowed my brother down and tamed his wild ass.”
“I’ve got to go,” I barely whispered.
“Now, he’s going to revert to his old shenanigans. Running the streets.”
Drake wasn’t saying much, just standing there with this amused look on his face.
“I’m late, I’ve got to get back to work.”
“Oh, we’re sorry. Didn’t mean to keep you,” Blake insisted.
“No, we wouldn’t think of getting you in trouble with your manager,” Drake stated.
“Well, Kennedy. Maybe Drake and I can take you out to dinner one night before I leave. I’d love to see you again. Relive old times.”
I didn’t answer. “I gotta go,” I stated, walking away, almost running.
“Okay. See you around.”
“Real soon,” Drake interjected.
I managed to make it to the elevator, ride up to my floor, and head straight to the restroom. And then, I broke down. I was a mess. I threw up two times with my head stuck in the commode. I started crying and couldn’t stop. My nose was running. Ten minutes later I was walking back out the door, on my way home. I couldn’t even remember what I murmured to my manager. I knew I had to get out of there. Away from Drake and Blake.
I managed to drive home, and went straight to bed. Sleep was my escape. My salvation from my inner demons.
When I would hear stories of people committing suic-ide, I used to wonder what could drive a person to such an extreme, selfish act. I would think they were such cowards. Too afraid, or spineless, or weak to address and deal with whatever was beating them down. They would simply give up and take the easy way out. I could never come up with any example, reason, or circumstance as to why I would end my life. Life is too precious. You only get one chance, this isn’t a dress rehearsal. There is no coming back. Now, I know differently.
I’ve heard people say, “God doesn’t give us more than we can bear.” Well, sometimes He does. Sometimes life becomes too overwhelming. Sometimes events occur that are too difficult to face on a day-to-day, ongoing basis. It’s just easier to end it all than live the event over and over and over. It’s so much easier not trying to wear the happy face when the heart and spirit are broken beyond repair.
I used to wonder why, during slavery days, we never heard tales of slaves killing themselves in mass suicides. What did they have to live for: to never see their countries again, to be separated from their spouse and children, to be raped and violated, to be treated like a piece of property when some of them were descendants of kings and queens. What did they have to live for? Then I realized that through all the trials and tribulations, they still had one thing. Hope. Hope that one day they’d see their homelands. Hope that their offspring would live better lives. Hope that they’d one day be free.
I didn’t have any more hope. That had all been crushed in one deceitful act. I had nothing but despair, and despair was nothing. After seeing Drake and Blake yesterday, it all came rushing back at me like a big slap in the face. Like a train head-on. And the two of them stood there, grinning like nothing was wrong. Pretending. It was all a horrible illusion. Now, I remembered everything. Every disgusting detail.
What makes one want to end it all? Let me tell you. These are my true confessions.
Dear Journal,
As I said before, Drake was the man I wanted to marry and have beautiful children with. I knew he wasn’t perfect, but neither was I. Taylor and Mother didn’t understand our relationship. They hadn’t been there through our ups and downs, our trials and tribulations. They weren’t there to see the side of Drake who let me cry on his shoulder and held me close as I agonized over finding my birth mom. They didn’t see the man who ran me hot bubble baths and gently brushed my hair like I was a precious baby.
I was even able to talk myself into accepting some of his unconventional sexual quirks. Drake was a man and men had strong sexual appetites. Some stronger than others. I understood that Drake bored easily and he had to maintain excitement in his life. That’s why he loved hunting and hiking and golfing and football. It was all about the thrill of the game. So, yes, I would maintain excitement for my man and be sexy and open-minded.
After each breakup, I really psyched myself up in order to rationalize him being back in my life. And, of course, Drake came back with every desire to please me. He knew the right words to speak, the correct gifts to buy, and the right places to take me. All to make me fall swiftly back under his spell. That didn’t last long. When all was said and done, it was always about Drake. Always Drake. Whatever lies and misdeeds he had to tell and do to achieve his happiness, he did it. The truth was boring and his motives were always the ultimate goal.
Last year, it was a few days after Christmas and Drake and I had spent an enormous amount of time together. I had taken some of my vacation days and so had he. So we were inseparable. He had pretty much moved into my place. Drake had clothes in my closet, his toothbrush and shaving kit in my bathroom. I helped him Christmas shop for his mom and dad, we checked out The Nutcracker at the Fox Theater, and enjoyed the holidays together doing other festive things like attending The Festival of Trees. The Christmas season had always been my favorite time of the year. During this time, I reverted to being a little girl. I was on cloud nine and all was good in my world.
It was a few days before New Year’s Day, a Friday night, and Drake and I had attended a post-Christmas party with some of his friends. I swear, the man had been in Atlanta only briefly, yet he had more friends than I did, and I had lived here all my life. People were naturally drawn to him.
Drake and I had a great time. It was a small, intimate affair. There were about six couples total and we sat around and sipped wine, ate delicious food, played board games, and talked. A real low-key event; just my speed. Drake was very relaxed and especially attentive to my needs.
I drank a bit too much, which was anything over two glasses, but I’d noticed that whenever I was with Drake he encouraged me to let loose. I knew if I was with him, he’d take care of me and not let anything horrible happen.
I truly enjoyed myself and no one could have told me that that would be the last time Drake and I was together as a couple. We laughed, we cuddled, and we kissed under the mistletoe. It was a magical evening, and there were even a few snow flurries in the crisp air that added to the magical spell. We left the party around midnight and I convinced him to drive around to look at Christmas lights and decorations before they were taken down.
Drake and I drove around, listened to Christmas music on the radio, laughed, and had a great time in the sanctity of his car. It was like it was just he and I in our own little world. We sipped on some hot cider, taken from the party, that was laced with liquor, and I was feeling no pain. I was buzzed, but I didn’t care. I felt free and in love. I knew Drake had his imperfections, but I knew he’d change for me. Love could do that…change a person. It was almost a new year, with new beginnings.
We arrived back at my apartment a little after one A.M. The apartment was nice and cozy. Without turning on the lights in the living room, I asked Drake to turn on the Christmas lights on my tree while I took a hot shower. I wanted to slip into something sexy, this Frederick’s of Hollywood outfit I’d purchased complete with Santa boots. It was Drake’s last present that he had to open. Ho. Ho. Ho.
After I couldn’t convince Drake to join me in the shower, I slipped in alone. I turned the water to as hot as I could stand it, placed my face under the showerhead, and enjoyed the feel of the hot water streaming down my face. I relived our night together and smiled because it wasn’t over yet.
I vaguely heard Drake rambling around in the bedroom and kitchen. He had said that he was going to get the rest of the champagne out of the fridge. We had a leftover bottle from a few days earlier that he’d spent an enormous amount of money on. I stepped out of the shower, layered myself with body lotion and spritz, and slipped on my sexy lingerie. I pinned my hair up on top of my head, pulled on my black and red Santa boot slippers, and walked back into my bedroom.
Drake was already under the covers, completely nude and waiting for me. He reached out his hand, pulled back the covers, and I slipped under after tossing my boots to the floor.
“You are so beautiful. You know that,” Drake stated, propped up on his elbows, caressing my cheek.
“You are too.”
He gave me a funny look. “What? Men can’t be beau-tiful.”
“Well, you are, babe.”
“I think you have definitely had too much to drink,” he declared.
“You think so?”
“Yes, definitely,” he said, pulling down my red spaghetti strap and pouring some chilled champagne, from the nightstand, on my nipples.
He proceeded to lick it off, and I proceeded to melt.
“Oh, you like that, huh, Miss Claus?” he asked, searching between my legs to see if I was ready.
I nodded.
“Well, Santa has more where that came from.”
“Oh really?”
“Have you been a naughty girl? Or a good girl?”
“Good.”
“Come here. We’ll have to correct that.” Drake flipped me over onto my stomach and discarded my gown. So much for the $125 I spent. He poured champagne in the arch of my back and proceeded to lick and suck it off, all the way down to my buttocks. That night, it was all about me. Drake pleased me from the tip of my toes to the top of my head and I got to ride his reindeer. Afterward, we lay wrapped in each other’s arms with our legs entwined. I let out a pleased, satisfied sigh.
“I could get used to this, babe.”
Drake had his eyes closed and his arms wrapped protectively around me.
Silence.
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Shhh. Just relax. Go to sleep,” he murmured in a drowsy voice.
Cradled in the arms of the man I loved, I did just that. I dozed off into a peaceful, dream-filled sleep while visions of family, children, and marriage danced through my head. In my sleep-induced state, I vaguely remember Drake getting up to go to the restroom. He was soon back, claiming his rightful spot. Nestled next to me. I quickly dozed back off.
I don’t know how much time passed; I was disoriented and shrouded in the throes of deep sleep. I felt Drake gently nudging me and kissing my neck. His hardness pressed against me.
“Babe, go back to sleep,” I whispered, reaching behind me to stroke his cheek.
Drake didn’t say anything. He continued to spoon with me and caress my breasts. As usual, he knew my nipples were one of my weak spots. He started playing with them, squeezing them between his thumb and finger, and I started moaning. Sleep was quickly slipping away. We were still naked from earlier, and I felt the heat rise from his body. I reached back to stroke his erection.
“Oh, I thought you’d like that. I see Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is awake to drive his sleigh,” I teased.
I still had my eyes closed as I continued to stroke him up and down. Fast and slow. Just like he liked. At some point, Drake reached around and inserted three of his fingers inside me. I was already wet and very excited. I turned around on my back and spread my legs wider so that he could continue to do what he was doing so well. My hand pressed down on his to encourage him not to stop.
I wanted him then. He could forget foreplay. I needed to feel him inside me, again. Drake had other ideas because when I tried to mount him, he stopped me and pulled my head down near his lap. Through the darkness of the room, he looked at me and smiled. I knew what he wanted. I went to work with a passion. I licked, sucked, squeezed, and sucked some more. Taking it all in. I’d glance up and see him trying to hold his moans in.
“That’s enough for you, you greedy boy,” I joked, coming up for air. “It’s time for you to eat your supper,” I teased.
Through the eerie shadows of my room, Drake looked at me with this strange glow in his eyes.
“Come on, babe, go down on me. You know I love that.”
Drake went to work; it was his best performance ever. The man had a true talent for going downtown. When I was on the verge of coming, I pushed him off me. I wanted to feel that delicious dick inside me before I came.
Drake was more than ready to oblige. He eased me onto all fours and slowly eased himself inside me. I was taken aback for a moment because he felt larger or wider or something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. His thrusts felt like they were coming out my stomach. They had never felt that way before, and he smelled different, too. I assumed it was the new cologne he had recently purchased.
“Oh, babe. You feel so good.”
Drake didn’t say anything. He continued to ram me with no mercy. His fingers were clawing at my breasts.
“Babe, slow down. There’s more where this came from. Quit being so greedy.”
I looked back, and Drake had his attention focused on the task at hand. By now, he was usually saying all kinds of nasty shit to me. He loved to talk dirty to me during sex. Instead of turning me off, I’d get super hot. I was pretty verbal myself now and initially that surprised me, but Drake preferred it that way. That early morning, he was uncharacteristically quiet. Too silent. All I heard from him was his heavy panting.
“Oh, babe, your dick is making my pussy feel so good. You’ve got me so hot.”
He was still ramming me with no sign of slowing down.
“That’s right. Take what’s yours. Oh, God. You’ve got me cumming. I’m cumming, babe.”
We both came at the same time in hard, forceful, spastic shudders. I felt him shoot hot squirts up inside me. At the exact moment that was happening, I heard a cell phone go off in my closet.
Without an ounce of energy left, I collapsed down on the bed. At first, I thought I was imagining things. I dismissed the sound. But then I heard movement.
“What? What is that? Did you hear that?” I asked, crouching on my bed, ready to flee.
Sprawled out on the bed, Drake looked at me in surprise and stared at the closed closet door. Then the door swung wide open and there stood Drake. I looked from one to the other in amazement. There were two Drakes.
“What the hell?” I asked, jumping up and trying to hide my nakedness.
Then Drake spoke. From the closet entrance. “Calm down, Kennedy.”
“What do you mean calm down?” I asked, glancing from him to the Drake on the bed, whose dick was now erect and pointing wickedly at me. “Drake, what’s going on?” By now, I was crying as the realization of what had happened was slowly sinking in.