True Confessions (18 page)

It was the Saturday after running into Drake and Blake on Thursday at work. Friday was another day I spent in bed, buried under my covers and trying to hide from the truth. I would learn that the truth has a way of finding you. I was still in bed even though I had been awake for a couple of hours, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to move. Just the simple task of going to the bathroom took every ounce of energy I possessed. My phones had rung on and off over the last day and a half, but I just let the voice mails pick up. I didn’t want to be bothered. I couldn’t deal with anything or anyone. Not now.

Finally, around noon, I forced myself to get up. I felt like an old lady; my steps were slow and measured. I slowly made a trek for the bathroom and relieved myself. I looked a straight mess when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My hair looked like a bird’s nest and a bird’s family had taken residence, and I desperately needed a long, hot shower. I smelled myself so I knew I stank.

Once in the shower, I found myself shedding even more tears. I thought I was all cried out over the entire mess. I didn’t know if they were tears of shame, humiliation, loss, or despair. I felt all alone in the world. My biological mom threw me away and now Drake thought I was dispensable too. All the people I thought loved and cared for me had let me down. That’s why I didn’t bring too many people in. They always disappointed.

I briefly thought of calling Mother, but she wouldn’t understand and she’d want to fix things, but there was no way that this could ever be repaired. No amount of hot soup, pampering, and moving back in with me could fix this. This was beyond repair. Plus, I didn’t want to spoil Mother’s newfound happiness. I couldn’t put her through this. This was my mess and these were the consequences of my bad decisions and misjudgment of character.

I stayed in the shower until the water turned cold. Stepping out, cold and shivering, I slowly dressed in wrinkled jeans, and a black wife beater and black jogging shoes. I pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail, secured it with a scrunchie, and managed to eat a cold sandwich and drink a soda. I was simply functioning on memory and routine. After those tasks were completed, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to even be me. I sat on the patio and stared at the neighborhood like I was seeing it for the first time. I observed people going about their everyday lives. There were some families who were happily smiling and laughing as they went their merry way. Children were riding their bikes on the sidewalk, laughing and having a great time with not a care in the world. A few neighbors were leisurely walking their pets and enjoying the new day, and a few young men were washing their rides, getting them ready for the weekend and probably a date. Others were jogging. Life went on. No one knew, or cared, what I’d been through. It’s true:
life doesn’t stop for your problems.

As I sat there, my thoughts went to Mother. A few days earlier, we’d finally had the talk. I expressed to her my desire to find my birth mom.

I phoned Taylor and told her I planned to talk to mother after church; Taylor gave me a pep talk and I was ready. As ready as I would be.

Mother and I had eaten and were sitting in her living room. The TV was on but we weren’t really watching anything in particular. I think she was working on a crossword puzzle and I was content to be in her presence.

“Pastor preached a great sermon today, don’t you think?” she asked, glancing over at me.

I nodded.

“Finding self-love is vital to being happy in life. We have to love ourselves before we should expect anyone else to. God wants us to live the best lives we can and to be the best person we can be.”

“Mother, I have something I need to talk to you about,” I said, abruptly changing the subject.

“Sure, sweetie,” she said, closing the crossword puzzle book. I guess she sensed this was important.

“I, well, you know that I love you.”

“I do.”

“I love you and Daddy so much and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me over the years. I couldn’t ask for better parents.”

“Thank you, sweetie. I appreciate that.”

“But…”

“But what?” I had her undivided attention but couldn’t get the words out. Then Taylor’s words popped into my mind. Mother wanted me to be happy. It was that simple.

“I would like to find my birth mother.”

She paused for only a second.

“And I want you to find her. I know you have questions, questions that neither your daddy nor I can answer. I knew this time would come soon or later. I have some paperwork I can give you to aid in your search. I kept it thinking it might come in handy one day.”

“Are up mad?”

“Sweetie, absolutely not. Is that what you think? Is that what’s bothering you?”

“I don’t know what I think anymore.”

“Well, let me tell you. Since the first time I saw you, you have brought nothing but joy into my life. I’m not so selfish that I don’t want you to be whole and complete. If this will bring you peace and a sense of completeness, please look for her. Just know that I love you more than life itself.”

With that, a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders because I knew I had her blessings.

I thought back to a phone call I had received a few days after our conversation and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it or what I was going to do. No one but me was aware of the call because I hadn’t shared it with Mother, Daddy, or Taylor yet. I had picked up the call, not immediately recognizing the phone number displayed.

“May I speak with Kennedy Logan, please?”

“This is Kennedy.”

“Hi. This is Beverly Jenkins at Boleman Detective Agency and Mr. Jackson asked me to give you a call because he is going to be out of the loop for a couple of hours, in a meeting.”

“Okay,” I stated, waiting for her to continue.

“We have some wonderful news to share. Are you sitting down?” she asked excitedly.

“I am now,” I stated with a slight tremble to my voice.

“We found your birth mother, Kennedy.”

I exhaled, not even realizing I had been holding my breath up until that point.

“Wow.” That was all I could think to whisper.

“I know this must be overwhelming news. We were able to locate her quickly based on the information you supplied. You can come into the office and we will give you all the details, or, if you prefer, I can give you the details over the phone right now, Kennedy. It’s totally your decision.”

“No, I’m fine with receiving the information over the phone. Let me grab a pen and paper.”

“Sure. Take your time.”

“Okay, I’m back.”

“Are you ready?” Beverly asked.

“As ready as I will ever be,” I stated, taking a deep breath.

“Your birth mother’s name is Jennifer Coleman and she lives at…”

And that is how I heard my birth mother’s name for the first time. I was provided with her full address and a phone number with a few other details. I remember slowly hanging up the phone, literally trembling and crying and laughing and not understanding the overwhelming emotions I was feeling. They were all over the place. I sat on the sofa with the piece of paper in my hand, staring at it in disbelief, and read my birth mom’s name and information over and again. It was all surreal.

I had been sitting for about an hour when my phone rang. I still hadn’t bothered to check the messages from the day before. On impulse and habit I picked up my cordless phone since it was lying right beside me.

“Hello?”

“Hey, baby.”

I froze.

“Hello. I know you’re there.”

I still didn’t speak. I couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m not sure if I was even breathing.

“Listen, Blake and I really want to drop by and make amends.”

Silence.

“Maybe we can take you out to lunch, or perhaps you could fix us something at your place. We want to get past this and move on.”

I didn’t have the strength to hang up.

“Blake will be leaving tomorrow for LA and we wanted to hang out with you for a minute.

“Kennedy, please say something. Anything. I love you. Please give me one more chance. I made a huge mistake, but I realize now how much I truly love you. I always did, but I was scared of those feelings; terrified of committing.”

My entire body was visibly shaking, and I think I started hysterically laughing as I held the phone away from my ear.

“Okay, don’t say anything. We’re on our way over. We’ll talk then. Just the three of us.”

I immediately threw the phone down, ran into the living room, and grabbed my purse. All I could think about was getting out of the apartment. On autopilot, I sprinted out my front door, bolted to my car, and drove out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell. Tires squealing.

Now, I had been aimlessly riding around for about two hours. I didn’t know where I was going; I only knew that I had to get away. I couldn’t be there when Drake and Blake showed up. No way. I couldn’t believe this was happening and had no idea how to stop it. That was the sad part.

I retrieved my cell phone and thought briefly of calling Mother. I had succeeded in dialing three of digits of her phone number when I cleared the call from my cell phone. Mother had done so much for me. I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. I glanced down at the dashboard and noticed I was low on gas, so I pulled off at the next exit and purchased a tank of gas and a soda.

After getting back on the interstate, I drove a couple of miles up the road and pulled off at a rest stop. I sat in the car, away from all the other travelers, trying to free my mind enough to think. My heartbeat had finally slowed back to normal. When I first heard Drake’s voice, I thought my heart would jump out of my chest. I still couldn’t rationalize how a person could be so heartless. And, better yet, why I hadn’t seen him for what he truly was.

I sat at the rest stop for about thirty minutes, going over all my options. Reliving that night, rewinding it over and fast-forwarding it in my head. Trying to determine if I knew at any point that Blake wasn’t Drake. Trying to figure out what signals I was sending out to men to make them think they could treat me like I didn’t matter. The last serious relationship I had, my boyfriend cheated on me at least three times that I was aware of. I’m sure there were others that I just didn’t know about. When we broke up because our relationship had become a bad joke, Kenny informed me that I was too emotionally needy. I drained him. He said he couldn’t be my lover and my father. I thought about that now.

Finally, in a flash of clarity I knew what had to be done. I understood what I had to do. I had one phone call left to make. Before I lost my nerve, I dialed Taylor’s number. Surprisingly, she picked up on the second ring.

“Kennedy?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“K, where are you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You had us so worried. Your mother has been trying to reach you for twenty-four hours now. And I drove by your apartment this afternoon and your front door was partially open. I locked up for you and closed your patio door.”

“Thanks.”

“K, what’s going on? I’m scared.”

“So am I,” I whispered.

“I talked to your next-door neighbor and she said she noticed some strange man has been watching your apartment. Yesterday, he approached her asking fifty questions. He fits Drake’s description.”

“It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“It does matter. K, where are you?”

“Taylor, I’m going away for a while,” I stated calmly.

“What? Going where? Come home, come stay with me and let’s talk about this some more.”

“No, there’s nothing to talk about. Nothing to say. I want to thank you for being such a good friend to me all these years.”

“K, you’re scaring me. Just come home,” she cried out to me.

“Don’t be scared. This is for the best. Tell Mother not to worry and tell her that I love her,” I said with a trembling voice.

“Why can’t you tell her? You come home and tell her.”

“I can’t right now. And, Taylor, I’ve always loved you, too. I’ve always admired you and wanted to be like you. I’m so proud of your strength and determination. You’ve been like a sister to me.”

“Kennedy, we are proud of you too and I love you so much.” Taylor was openly sobbing now.

“I’ve got to go,” I stated firmly before I changed my mind.

“No, not yet. Wait.”

“No, I’ve said what I needed to say. I just called to say I love you and to thank you for being my friend. Don’t worry about me. Now, I have to go.”

“K, it can’t be that bad.”

“It is. It’s worse. It’s worse than you can ever imagine.”

By now, Taylor’s sobs were even louder. They broke my heart into pieces.

“Drake set it up for his brother, Blake, to rape me.” There, I’d said it. I acknowledged it for the first time. It felt so strange coming off my lips and out of my mouth. It was like I was talking about someone else. That couldn’t have possibly happened to me.

“What? Please tell me I heard you wrong.”

“You didn’t.”

“Kennedy, I’m so sorry. I never knew Drake was that demented and, oh my God, this is what you’ve been dealing with. Why didn’t you call the police, or why didn’t you call me?”