Authors: Electa Rome Parks
The Drake from the closet closed the gap between us.
“That’s my identical twin brother, Blake,” he said, pointing to the man now hurriedly pulling on his pants.
“What? Your twin. You let your goddamn twin brother fuck me? You bastard. I can’t believe this. My God, you’re sick,” I screamed.
“Calm down, Kennedy,” Drake was saying, walking toward me with outstretched hands.
“Don’t you touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again.”
As he tried to calm me, Drake and I wrestled around on my bed.
“Take your hands off me. Both of you get out of my house.”
“Man, you’d better calm your hysterical girlfriend down,” Blake stated off to the side.
“I thought you loved me. But you had the audacity to let your brother sex me while you watched in the closet like a damn pervert.”
“Kennedy, listen to me,” Drake screamed, grabbing my shoulder.
“Let me go. That motherfucker raped me. I’m calling the police.”
I was still attempting to get out of Drake’s arms. He had my arms pinned in front of me, sitting in his lap with my back to his stomach, with both his arms at my side. I struggled. Blake appeared bored with the entire situation.
I managed to free myself when he momentarily loosened his grip, thinking I had calmed down. I tried turning and kicking him in the groin and he slapped me, hard. I screamed and lunged for the phone on the nightstand. Blake casually ripped the cord from the wall and threw the phone out of my reach.
“Listen, man, I’m not going to jail over some pussy, no matter how good it was,” Blake declared.
“Shut up, both of you,” Drake shouted out of frustration. Rubbing his face between his hands, he screamed, “Let me think.”
“You said she’d never know the difference. Why didn’t you turn off your damn phone?”
“I’m going to report this. You are not getting away with this.” I tried to run into the living room to retrieve my cell phone from my purse.
Drake threw me back down on the bed, on my back. “What are you going to report?” he questioned with fury in his eyes.
Now, I was afraid and shivering and trying to cover myself with the bed sheet.
“You planned this and you let him rape me,” I whispered. “You even watched.”
“Raped you? You were enjoying it, tremendously, from what I could see in the closet. You were all over my brother’s dick.”
“I thought it was you. I thought I was making love to you,” I screamed.
“Yeah, right. Blake was tearing up your stuff. You know my shit ain’t nine inches long.”
I started crying. Drake was furious and Blake was disinterested.
“Call the police and I’ll explain how we play these games. How you wanted to get it on with two brothers. We talked about bringing another person into our bed. You try reporting this and I’ll make your shit look so stank.”
“Why? I loved you,” I questioned as I stood and slinked to the floor in a huddle, covering my nakedness the best I could with my hands.
Drake looked at me with disgust. “You never loved me. You couldn’t even tell that wasn’t me touching you. You don’t even know me.”
“You’re right. I don’t know you. You’re sick—”
“How you gonna let my brother bang you without knowing the difference? You were sucking his dick. You supposed to be my woman. You should know how I touch you and make you feel.”
Blake was still standing off to the side like he was bored silly. I was lying on the floor with my head on the bed and Drake was towering over me. Screaming down at me.
“Drake, man, give her some clothes,” Blake said with an ounce of sympathy.
Drake tossed me my gown and I quickly pulled it over my head. My cries were mere moans as I rocked back and forth on the floor with snot running down near my lips.
Drake walked back over and cuddled my head in his hand. “Kennedy, you need to think about this rape allegation. You don’t want to make yourself look bad. We had some fun tonight. No one was hurt. Let’s leave it at that.” He continued to massage my scalp.
“You tricked me. I didn’t even know you had a twin brother. I just knew you had a brother in LA.”
“Kennedy, nobody tricked you. At some point, you had to realize that wasn’t me and you were still into it. You got off. Admit it.”
“Just go,” I whispered,
“What are you going to do?”
I continued to rock back and forth. It didn’t even matter that my nakedness was still showing through my gown for Drake and Blake to see. Come was now running down my legs.
“You never loved me, did you? You couldn’t have. You don’t do stuff like this to someone you love. It was all a game for you.”
Drake didn’t respond.
“You were willing to share me with your brother. What if your cell hadn’t gone off? Would you have compared notes? Would this have been your private joke or were you planning to join in? Am I just a joke to you? Am I, Drake?”
Drake and Blake looked at me like I was totally pathetic.
“It doesn’t even matter. Just go,” I said, defeated.
“Are you going to call the police?”
By now, Drake’s words were like a haze of nonsense. I continued to rock and wipe tears from my eyes.
I responded with one word. “No.”
“Good girl,” Drake stated, smiling for the first time.
“No one would believe this,” I whispered, wiping away tears with the back of my hand. “How could I be such a fool?”
Drake and Blake quietly and quickly let themselves out and I lay on top of my bed and drifted off to sleep. I didn’t have the ability to pull any cover over myself. My mind couldn’t function any longer or begin to comprehend what had happened.
The next day I woke up around noon. I completely blocked out everything that had happened from the previous night. I did two loads of laundry and even ran a few errands. I tossed all the bed linen, including my gown, into a big garbage bag and trashed it. I think I even stopped by Mother’s house and talked and smiled like all was good in my life.
Later that day, I had a couple of phone hang ups. My phone would ring and once I answered it, the person on the other line wouldn’t say anything, or the person would hold the line. All I’d hear would be breathing. Finally, I turned off the ringer in order to get some peace and I turned off my cell phone. Glancing out the window, I thought I saw an SUV that looked like Drake’s drive slowly by. I quickly dismissed the image to my overactive imagination and moved away from the window. Much later that evening, I cooked some spaghetti and made a tossed salad. I ate a late meal all alone.
Other than that, the day after was just like any other day. In my mind, anyway. What makes one want to take their own life? Now I know. Wisdom has a way of slipping up on you when you don’t even realize you’ve recognized it. When you’ve been humiliated beyond repair, when you have nothing to wake up for, when living is a chore, when all your realities are lies, that’s when God has given you more than you can handle and the will to live has vanished like a thief in the night.
It was the Saturday after running into Drake and Blake on Thursday at work. Friday was another day I spent in bed, buried under my covers and trying to hide from the truth. I would learn that the truth has a way of finding you. I was still in bed even though I had been awake for a couple of hours, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to move. Just the simple task of going to the bathroom took every ounce of energy I possessed. My phones had rung on and off over the last day and a half, but I just let the voice mails pick up. I didn’t want to be bothered. I couldn’t deal with anything or anyone. Not now.
Finally, around noon, I forced myself to get up. I felt like an old lady; my steps were slow and measured. I slowly made a trek for the bathroom and relieved myself. I looked a straight mess when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My hair looked like a bird’s nest and a bird’s family had taken residence, and I desperately needed a long, hot shower. I smelled myself so I knew I stank.
Once in the shower, I found myself shedding even more tears. I thought I was all cried out over the entire mess. I didn’t know if they were tears of shame, humiliation, loss, or despair. I felt all alone in the world. My biological mom threw me away and now Drake thought I was dispensable too. All the people I thought loved and cared for me had let me down. That’s why I didn’t bring too many people in. They always disappointed.
I briefly thought of calling Mother, but she wouldn’t understand and she’d want to fix things, but there was no way that this could ever be repaired. No amount of hot soup, pampering, and moving back in with me could fix this. This was beyond repair. Plus, I didn’t want to spoil Mother’s newfound happiness. I couldn’t put her through this. This was my mess and these were the consequences of my bad decisions and misjudgment of character.
I stayed in the shower until the water turned cold. Stepping out, cold and shivering, I slowly dressed in wrinkled jeans, and a black wife beater and black jogging shoes. I pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail, secured it with a scrunchie, and managed to eat a cold sandwich and drink a soda. I was simply functioning on memory and routine. After those tasks were completed, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to even be me. I sat on the patio and stared at the neighborhood like I was seeing it for the first time. I observed people going about their everyday lives. There were some families who were happily smiling and laughing as they went their merry way. Children were riding their bikes on the sidewalk, laughing and having a great time with not a care in the world. A few neighbors were leisurely walking their pets and enjoying the new day, and a few young men were washing their rides, getting them ready for the weekend and probably a date. Others were jogging. Life went on. No one knew, or cared, what I’d been through. It’s true:
life doesn’t stop for your problems.
As I sat there, my thoughts went to Mother. A few days earlier, we’d finally had the talk. I expressed to her my desire to find my birth mom.
I phoned Taylor and told her I planned to talk to mother after church; Taylor gave me a pep talk and I was ready. As ready as I would be.
Mother and I had eaten and were sitting in her living room. The TV was on but we weren’t really watching anything in particular. I think she was working on a crossword puzzle and I was content to be in her presence.
“Pastor preached a great sermon today, don’t you think?” she asked, glancing over at me.
I nodded.
“Finding self-love is vital to being happy in life. We have to love ourselves before we should expect anyone else to. God wants us to live the best lives we can and to be the best person we can be.”
“Mother, I have something I need to talk to you about,” I said, abruptly changing the subject.
“Sure, sweetie,” she said, closing the crossword puzzle book. I guess she sensed this was important.
“I, well, you know that I love you.”
“I do.”
“I love you and Daddy so much and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me over the years. I couldn’t ask for better parents.”
“Thank you, sweetie. I appreciate that.”
“But…”
“But what?” I had her undivided attention but couldn’t get the words out. Then Taylor’s words popped into my mind. Mother wanted me to be happy. It was that simple.
“I would like to find my birth mother.”
She paused for only a second.
“And I want you to find her. I know you have questions, questions that neither your daddy nor I can answer. I knew this time would come soon or later. I have some paperwork I can give you to aid in your search. I kept it thinking it might come in handy one day.”
“Are up mad?”
“Sweetie, absolutely not. Is that what you think? Is that what’s bothering you?”
“I don’t know what I think anymore.”
“Well, let me tell you. Since the first time I saw you, you have brought nothing but joy into my life. I’m not so selfish that I don’t want you to be whole and complete. If this will bring you peace and a sense of completeness, please look for her. Just know that I love you more than life itself.”
With that, a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders because I knew I had her blessings.
I thought back to a phone call I had received a few days after our conversation and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it or what I was going to do. No one but me was aware of the call because I hadn’t shared it with Mother, Daddy, or Taylor yet. I had picked up the call, not immediately recognizing the phone number displayed.
“May I speak with Kennedy Logan, please?”
“This is Kennedy.”
“Hi. This is Beverly Jenkins at Boleman Detective Agency and Mr. Jackson asked me to give you a call because he is going to be out of the loop for a couple of hours, in a meeting.”
“Okay,” I stated, waiting for her to continue.
“We have some wonderful news to share. Are you sitting down?” she asked excitedly.
“I am now,” I stated with a slight tremble to my voice.
“We found your birth mother, Kennedy.”
I exhaled, not even realizing I had been holding my breath up until that point.
“Wow.” That was all I could think to whisper.
“I know this must be overwhelming news. We were able to locate her quickly based on the information you supplied. You can come into the office and we will give you all the details, or, if you prefer, I can give you the details over the phone right now, Kennedy. It’s totally your decision.”
“No, I’m fine with receiving the information over the phone. Let me grab a pen and paper.”
“Sure. Take your time.”
“Okay, I’m back.”
“Are you ready?” Beverly asked.
“As ready as I will ever be,” I stated, taking a deep breath.
“Your birth mother’s name is Jennifer Coleman and she lives at…”
And that is how I heard my birth mother’s name for the first time. I was provided with her full address and a phone number with a few other details. I remember slowly hanging up the phone, literally trembling and crying and laughing and not understanding the overwhelming emotions I was feeling. They were all over the place. I sat on the sofa with the piece of paper in my hand, staring at it in disbelief, and read my birth mom’s name and information over and again. It was all surreal.
I had been sitting for about an hour when my phone rang. I still hadn’t bothered to check the messages from the day before. On impulse and habit I picked up my cordless phone since it was lying right beside me.
“Hello?”
“Hey, baby.”
I froze.
“Hello. I know you’re there.”
I still didn’t speak. I couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m not sure if I was even breathing.
“Listen, Blake and I really want to drop by and make amends.”
Silence.
“Maybe we can take you out to lunch, or perhaps you could fix us something at your place. We want to get past this and move on.”
I didn’t have the strength to hang up.
“Blake will be leaving tomorrow for LA and we wanted to hang out with you for a minute.
“Kennedy, please say something. Anything. I love you. Please give me one more chance. I made a huge mistake, but I realize now how much I truly love you. I always did, but I was scared of those feelings; terrified of committing.”
My entire body was visibly shaking, and I think I started hysterically laughing as I held the phone away from my ear.
“Okay, don’t say anything. We’re on our way over. We’ll talk then. Just the three of us.”
I immediately threw the phone down, ran into the living room, and grabbed my purse. All I could think about was getting out of the apartment. On autopilot, I sprinted out my front door, bolted to my car, and drove out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell. Tires squealing.
Now, I had been aimlessly riding around for about two hours. I didn’t know where I was going; I only knew that I had to get away. I couldn’t be there when Drake and Blake showed up. No way. I couldn’t believe this was happening and had no idea how to stop it. That was the sad part.
I retrieved my cell phone and thought briefly of calling Mother. I had succeeded in dialing three of digits of her phone number when I cleared the call from my cell phone. Mother had done so much for me. I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. I glanced down at the dashboard and noticed I was low on gas, so I pulled off at the next exit and purchased a tank of gas and a soda.
After getting back on the interstate, I drove a couple of miles up the road and pulled off at a rest stop. I sat in the car, away from all the other travelers, trying to free my mind enough to think. My heartbeat had finally slowed back to normal. When I first heard Drake’s voice, I thought my heart would jump out of my chest. I still couldn’t rationalize how a person could be so heartless. And, better yet, why I hadn’t seen him for what he truly was.
I sat at the rest stop for about thirty minutes, going over all my options. Reliving that night, rewinding it over and fast-forwarding it in my head. Trying to determine if I knew at any point that Blake wasn’t Drake. Trying to figure out what signals I was sending out to men to make them think they could treat me like I didn’t matter. The last serious relationship I had, my boyfriend cheated on me at least three times that I was aware of. I’m sure there were others that I just didn’t know about. When we broke up because our relationship had become a bad joke, Kenny informed me that I was too emotionally needy. I drained him. He said he couldn’t be my lover and my father. I thought about that now.
Finally, in a flash of clarity I knew what had to be done. I understood what I had to do. I had one phone call left to make. Before I lost my nerve, I dialed Taylor’s number. Surprisingly, she picked up on the second ring.
“Kennedy?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“K, where are you?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“You had us so worried. Your mother has been trying to reach you for twenty-four hours now. And I drove by your apartment this afternoon and your front door was partially open. I locked up for you and closed your patio door.”
“Thanks.”
“K, what’s going on? I’m scared.”
“So am I,” I whispered.
“I talked to your next-door neighbor and she said she noticed some strange man has been watching your apartment. Yesterday, he approached her asking fifty questions. He fits Drake’s description.”
“It doesn’t even matter anymore.”
“It does matter. K, where are you?”
“Taylor, I’m going away for a while,” I stated calmly.
“What? Going where? Come home, come stay with me and let’s talk about this some more.”
“No, there’s nothing to talk about. Nothing to say. I want to thank you for being such a good friend to me all these years.”
“K, you’re scaring me. Just come home,” she cried out to me.
“Don’t be scared. This is for the best. Tell Mother not to worry and tell her that I love her,” I said with a trembling voice.
“Why can’t you tell her? You come home and tell her.”
“I can’t right now. And, Taylor, I’ve always loved you, too. I’ve always admired you and wanted to be like you. I’m so proud of your strength and determination. You’ve been like a sister to me.”
“Kennedy, we are proud of you too and I love you so much.” Taylor was openly sobbing now.
“I’ve got to go,” I stated firmly before I changed my mind.
“No, not yet. Wait.”
“No, I’ve said what I needed to say. I just called to say I love you and to thank you for being my friend. Don’t worry about me. Now, I have to go.”
“K, it can’t be that bad.”
“It is. It’s worse. It’s worse than you can ever imagine.”
By now, Taylor’s sobs were even louder. They broke my heart into pieces.
“Drake set it up for his brother, Blake, to rape me.” There, I’d said it. I acknowledged it for the first time. It felt so strange coming off my lips and out of my mouth. It was like I was talking about someone else. That couldn’t have possibly happened to me.
“What? Please tell me I heard you wrong.”
“You didn’t.”
“Kennedy, I’m so sorry. I never knew Drake was that demented and, oh my God, this is what you’ve been dealing with. Why didn’t you call the police, or why didn’t you call me?”