Trust Me (Beggar's Choice #2) (28 page)

It was confirmed this morning that
Sam Slater the lead guitarist for the Brit Award winning band Kaleidoscope, has
died from a suspected heroin overdose. Mr Slater and his girlfriend Molly Irving,
who also overdosed, were discovered by Mr Slater’s twin sister Eleanor in bed
at his home in North London.

Miss Slater is the lead vocalist of
the band. It is understood that she had become anxious when her calls went unanswered
and went to her brother’s house to investigate. Upon finding the couple she
called for help, and then with the aid of a friend proceeded to try to
resuscitate them, but their efforts were to no avail and Mr Slater was
pronounced dead at the scene. His girlfriend is understood to be in a medically
induced coma at The Royal London Hospital.

The news strikes what must be a
terminal blow to the band, whose star has steadily risen over the last two
years, culminating in their winning Best Breakthrough Act at this year’s Brit
Awards. The band was formed by the brother and sister and they have become
known for their topical and humorous lyrics penned by the siblings, and had
just announced a sold out UK tour.

Underneath the starry exterior
however, it has long been known in certain circles that Mr Slater had a serious
drug problem. He had been in and out of rehab several times over the last two
years but nothing had worked, and last week rumours circulated that Miss Slater
had issued him with an ultimatum, stating that he would be removed from the
band if he didn’t sober up. It is understood that the previously close siblings
had a furious row and were not on speaking terms at the time of his death.

It is uncertain whether the band
will be able to continue with the loss of one of its founding members, or
indeed whether Miss Slater will wish to continue with it after such a profound
loss.

When I finish reading a distant
part of my mind notices that my hand is shaking like I’ve got palsy. I can’t
stand the idea that she had a fucking twin and that by her trying to do the
right thing for him it had resulted in them not speaking before his death. Life
is so fucking unfair sometimes and she’s such an amazingly brave girl. Part of
me weeps that she went through that on her own, and wishes that I had known her
then so that I could have helped her and been at her side.

However, another part of me, the
dark, cynical side, knows that I couldn’t have helped her anyway because at
that point in time I was the exact same fucking druggie that her brother had
been, and it’s this reality that is tearing my insides apart. How can she have
stood to be with me and care for me when she knows my reality, that I’m no
better than her brother?

I feel Bram reach over and tug
the paper out of my hands and I vaguely realise that Seth is escorting Bill
out, but then I feel the familiar weight of Charlie’s arm around my shoulders.

“I knew I recognised her,” I hear
myself say distantly. “Not surprising though that I couldn’t be sure, seeing as
I was fucked off my face most of the time then. Shame he and I never knew each
other, we’d have had some fucked up nights out.”

“Don’t Sid,” he warns. “I know
what you’re thinking and you’re wrong.”

“I’m the same as him Charlie.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes I am and you know it. How
can I be involved with her? How can we be together when she’ll forever have to
live with the knowledge that I could relapse any day? How the fuck can I do
that to her of all people?”

“You’re not like that anymore.
That life won’t touch her.”

“Really? Were you in that hotel
room in Milan with me a few weeks ago? Did you see what I brought into her
life?”

“That wasn’t your fault.”

“Don’t Charlie. According to you
nothing ever
is
my fault.”

“Sid, some things have been but
that
wasn’t. Please don’t end this. You’ve been so happy lately it’s been amazing,
like seeing you the way that you should always have been. The way that I’m
determined you’re fucking going to be.”

“Maybe I’m not meant to be happy
Charlie. You can’t fight fate. Maybe this is my punishment.”

“Bullshit. Nobody’s punishing
you,” he says in a steely voice. “They’ll have to go through me first.”

I smile wearily. “You can’t live
for me Charlie. I have to do that myself. Maybe giving her up is my reparation
for all of the truly shitty things that I’ve done.”

“You love her?” Bram says sadly
and I nod.

“Of course I do. I couldn’t have
found someone more perfect for me if I’d written out a request, but I’m not
good for her and bottom line that’s the most essential thing for me. She has to
be happy.”

“I still don’t see why you have
to finish it,” Bram urges. “She’s everything that you’ve ever wanted. Fuck,
you’ve finally found someone who is worthy of you and your stupid loyalty, and
you’re fucking her off for some stupid notion of honour.” He pauses, looking
for inspiration. “Maybe she’s the universe’s reparation for the shitty time
that you’ve had.”

I’m touched by their loyalty. “I
made the times shitty all by myself, and if there’s a chance that I’ll drag her
down into that filth again I can’t keep her with me. How can I give her a good
life when I can’t even give her the basic foundation of security? She’ll always
be waiting for me to fuck up.” Charlie sighs and opens his mouth to try another
argument but I’ve had enough. “Please let me do this. For once just let me do
the best thing.”

Reluctantly he nods. “What will
you do mate? She’s a good girl and she’s loyal as fuck. She won’t just go.”

“Well, I’ll just have to show her
that I’m not good and I’m not remotely worthy of her. I’ll have to push her
away.”

Charlie and Bram both look like
their dogs have just died but I’ve got no more room for them at this moment. I
need to be alone and sensing it they leave, Charlie reluctantly, because I know
a little part of him still fears what I’ll do when I’m too down. I think he’ll
always have this fear and that reinforces my decision over Nell. I won’t do
that to her too.

I wish passionately that I could
have made different decisions years ago. Nobody tells you that the
repercussions of what you do when you’re young sometimes aren’t felt until
years later when it’s truly going to hurt you. Like nature is just waiting to
pay you back by backhanding you when you least expect it, but I don’t think
that the young me would ever have taken notice of warnings anyway because I
thought I was invincible back then.

When the door closes behind them
I start to pace back and forwards tunnelling my hands through my hair
repeatedly. It’s the gesture I think that finishes me off because it’s the way
that I always was when I needed to score, and it’s this sudden sordid flashback
after feeling so clean with her that snaps my control, and picking up a chair I
hurl it through the plasma television. The explosion of glass and sparks
doesn’t move me - I don’t think there’s anything left now inside me to feel.
All I know is that I have to steel myself and hurt the one person in my life
that I would cheerfully die for. If anyone else did this to her I would kill
them, and the only way that I’m going to get through it is with the knowledge
that this is the best for her. She can’t be allowed to throw herself away on
somebody that’s so obviously not worth it.

Mabe flicks through the racks of
clothing in the designer maternity shop that we’ve wandered into, exclaiming
over the prices while Viv and I stare at her. “I’m unsure what the problem is
Mabe,” Viv finally says. “Charlie has sent you out with the express purpose of
buying clothes to make you feel good. Charlie is as rich as Midas, and you’re
acting like you’ve got to go to Matalan. Explain please.”

She shoots us a slightly
embarrassed look. “I know it’s silly but I just don’t feel comfortable spending
his money. It’s a bit too ‘Pretty Woman’ for me.”

Viv laughs. “Really, you are too
fucking odd sometimes Mabe. He buys you stuff all the time.”

“I can cope with that because
he’s chosen to do that. Going out with a pile of cash is a bit much.”

“It’s not a pile of cash Mabe,
you sound like Madame X. It’s actually a very pretty, black American Express
card. Also, I’ve heard Charlie say time and time again that it’s your money
just as much as it’s his.”

Mabe snorts. “It is not. Charlie
made that money and I’m just not comfortable sitting on my arse eating
chocolate and internet surfing. I want him to see me as more.”

Viv hugs her. “He does. You’re
everything to him Mabe, you must see that honey and let him do stuff for you.”

Mabe shoots me a flustered smile.
“It’s actually bloody ridiculous. If I heard myself I’d want to kick myself in
the face because there are real problems in the world.”

I smile at her. “Of course there
are, it doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to worry over your stuff.”

“Exactly.” Viv is busily rifling
through the racks of clothes. “Do you really want a repeat of the prenup
argument?”

“Did you not want to sign one?” I
ask cautiously. Most rich men have them and it seems to be a prerequisite of
marriage for them nowadays.

Viv laughs and Mabe sighs. “It
was the opposite actually. Charlie was so adamant that I wasn’t signing one
that I got John, Viv’s boss, to draw me one up.”

Viv laughs again. “Tell her what
happened.”

“He was really angry. He set fire
to it in the garden,” she relates, flushing slightly. “Then he got John to draw
one up for me.”

“And?” I ask, confused now.

Mabe smiles. “It wasn’t exactly
your standard prenup.”

Viv laughs. “It fucking wasn’t.
She was required to sign that she would have sex with him every two hours. It
stipulated positions and then went on to state which underwear she had to wear
each day, and that she had to do as she was told in the bedroom and call him
daddy. I think John and he consumed a bottle of whisky while they were drawing
it up. We could hear them laughing all over the office.”

“What did you say to him?”

Mabe laughs “I told him that it
was ridiculous and he replied that the idea of us splitting up was ridiculous.
I wasn’t getting rid of him that easily, and that if I lived with him for any
length of time I’d deserve the fucking money. Sid said I’d actually deserve a
medal but to just stick with the money.”

I smile, feeling the softening
inside me that I always feel when I hear his name, and the two women look at me
knowingly. “I’m glad you brought up Sid,” Viv says, handing an armful of
clothing to the waiting shop assistant and steering us into the changing rooms
where some leather settees are positioned next to a tray of refreshments.
“What’s going on there Nelly, because from where I’m standing that man has the
look of a well satisfied guitarist?”

I flush. “I’m saying nothing.”

“You have to,” Viv says simply.
“You’re one of us now, part of the family. It’s the law to overshare
inappropriate information within our family.”

“It is not,” Mabe says laughing.
“Don’t listen to her Nell. You don’t have to tell us anything.”

“I actually wouldn’t know what to
tell you,” I say slowly. “I’m not sure myself what’s happening.”

Viv hands me a coffee and pours
Mabe an orange juice. “What do you mean?”

I decide to trust them. “Well
originally he just wanted us to sleep together, and he’s told me over and over
again that nothing will come of it. He won’t fall in love with me and I
shouldn’t do that with him.”

Viv sighs. “These boys, they’re
all idiots.” There’s something slightly bitter about the way that she says it
and Mabe shoots her a cautious look.

“I’m sorry about that,” she says
sadly. “You’re worth a lot more than that Nell and so is he.”

“I don’t know why he’s so
faithful to skanks and lays the world at their feet, and then, when a good girl
comes along, he’s making fuck friend arrangements with her.” Viv sounds angry
and I flinch slightly.

Mabe rubs her hand over my
shoulder. “I think that might be how it started,” she says slowly. “But I don’t
think that’s how it is now.” She shoots me a discerning, clear look and when I
start to protest she shakes her head. “I’ve known Sid since I was six Nell and
I love him very deeply. He’s one of the best men that I’ve ever met, and for
years Charlie and I have prayed that he’d find someone that’s good enough for
him. I’ve seen him with woman after woman in between episodes of Leah, and
Viv’s right, most of them have been worthless, but with you it’s different.
I’ve never seen him like this Nell and neither has Charlie.”

“Like what?” I’m equally loving
this conversation and hating it at the same time for the hope that it’s giving
me.

“Happy,” she says simply. “He’s
finally relaxed enough to be happy. He doesn’t have that pinched frown on his
face anymore. He’s just Sid - funny and loyal and loving. The man we’ve always
known, because he’s always been like that with family. I’ve just never seen him
be like that with a woman before and I’m so glad that it’s you Nell.”

I’m touched by this and I squeeze
her hand firmly but I’m cautious too. “It doesn’t mean anything Mabe. I think
it’s maybe because he’s sober and enjoying life, and I’m so happy that he’s had
the chance to be like that.”

“You love him?” Mabe has an
arrested look on her face and it feels good to finally acknowledge this with
two people who won’t mock it or try to argue me out of it.

“I do. I love him so much that it
hurts, and although there’s no future to it I’m so pleased that I met him
because he’s added something to my life that I’ll never regret.”

“It doesn’t have to end,” Mabe
says hurriedly but Viv shushes her.

“Whatever happens we’re your
friends now. Don’t lose contact with us or we’ll hound you.”

I laugh. “I hope not. I do
consider you my friends, and I’d hate to lose you when the tour finishes.”

“You won’t,” Mabe promises. “But
Nell, maybe you should consider telling him how you feel.”

“He’s never indicated that he’d
want to hear that,” I say hurriedly.

“He doesn’t have to,” Viv says
simply. “His behaviour does that for him every day. He watches you all the
time. When you come into a room his attention is instantly on you. He brings
your name into most conversations to the extent that Bram made up a rude rhyme
entitled ‘Nelly Said’ which earnt him a bloody nose.” We all smile and she
carries on. “Whether he knows it or not Nell I think he feels the same way, but
what you’ve got to realise is that he might not know it himself. He has zero
experience of being in a normal, stable, supportive relationship because all
he’s ever known is tears and screaming and addiction and need. You’re a revelation
to him and maybe you’re simply going to have to be the big girl here and be the
one to make the first move. I don’t think that you’ll regret it.”

“Maybe. It’s the last date of the
tour tomorrow night anyway so I suppose that we’ll have to have some sort of
chat about our future, if we have one.” I shake my head at their protests but
much as I don’t want them to, her words stay with me for the rest of the
shopping trip, hovering in the back of my mind and making sentences tremble on
my tongue. However, when I get back to our room they’re drowned out by
astonishment at the state of the room. The television is smashed to pieces, a
desk, the settee and one of the chairs have been overturned while a mirror has
been shattered. Glass and feathers from some cushions are everywhere.

“What on earth?” I turn to Sid
who is sitting hunched over on a chair examining his knuckles which are torn
and bleeding. “What have you
done
?” I exclaim, racing over to him and
despite his resistance pulling his hand towards me.

“Nothing,” he says sharply,
pulling his hand away, rising to his feet and avoiding my eyes. “Bram and I
just got into it. No harm done.”

“No harm done. Your hand’s fucked
up Sid. It might need stitches. Did you hit it on the mirror?” I’m following
him as he stalks towards the bedroom and I jump as he rounds on me.

“What the fuck Nell. Are you my
mother now? I’ve told you that it’s fine, now just fucking stop going on about
it and nagging me.”

“Nagging?” I echo, hurt now and
it must show on my face because he darts a look at me and flinches slightly
before going over to the wardrobe and pulling his t-shirt and jeans off,
leaving him in just his tight, white boxer briefs. I breathe in sharply at the
sight of him which never fails to get to me, but I’m too worried to really
look. He’s behaving very strangely.

“Did anything happen while I was
gone?” I try timidly, not wanting to be accused of nagging him again.

“Why?” he asks sharply.

“No reason.” I hold my hands up
as he pulls a pair of dark jeans on, his abrupt movements hinting at his
agitation. He adds a red plaid shirt wincing at the pain in his knuckles as he
buttons it up, and then slides on a pair of battered old Vans. Moving to the
sideboard he picks up his room key.

“Where are you going?” I ask,
suddenly panicked.

“Out,” he replies shortly,
heading out of the room in loping strides as I follow helplessly behind him. I
don’t know what’s gotten into him and upset him, but he’s never been like this
with me before so I try to ignore it. He’s a busy man with more
responsibilities on his shoulders than most twenty eight year old men will ever
have. Trying to be conciliatory I rush over to the table where I put my bag.

“Before you go I bought you
something,” I say quietly and then hesitate as he stops at the door with a sigh
of barely concealed impatience. I gulp and almost think better of it but I hand
him the bag and he reaches in and pulls out a green, plaid Element shirt. He’s
silent, staring down at it and I’m forced into over bright, hurried words,
trying to fill his silence. “I saw it and thought of you. It’s your colour and
I know you like the label.” Slowly my words peter out as he raises his head and
his burning eyes hit me.

“Why did you buy this Nell?”

“I thought you’d like it,” I say
almost nervously, which pisses me off because this is just a nice gesture. It’s
him that’s making it shitty.

“
Really
?” he replies in
disbelief, and I feel anger rise in me which is an almost welcome alternative
to bewildered despair.

“Yes really. What the fuck is the
matter with you?”

“This,” he roars, brandishing the
shirt. “Since when do we exchange gifts? Next we’ll be braiding each other’s
hair and making mix tapes. Christ!” He turns away running his hand through his
hair.

“Fuck you!” I see his back
stiffen, the muscles standing out in deep relief. “It was just a present,
that’s all. Take it back, burn the fucker or throw it out of the window. I
don’t care anymore. I didn’t know that we didn’t give each other things. I
didn’t realise that it was a hanging offence.”

He spins round. “Boyfriends and
girlfriends do this shit Nell, not us. We’re not even lovers, we just fuck.
That’s it and I told you this from the start. Don’t look at me like that
because it’s not my fault that you don’t listen.” I can’t help it and I flinch
like he’s cut me, which actually might hurt less than the words that he’s
slinging at me. For a second I think that I see despair cross his face, but I
must be mistaken because instead he sneers. “Don’t give me that fucking, hurt
crap. I’ve been honest with you from the beginning. I don’t want a
relationship. Just because we get on, don’t try and make it into something that
it isn’t with shitty little gifts. You’ll be writing me poetry next.”

I can’t believe that this is the
same man that I’ve known all these weeks. The same man that Viv and Mabe were
trying to convince me that he loved me. “Don’t worry,” I say defiantly while
unwanted tears burn my eyes. “I’ll never make that mistake again.”

He hesitates for a second and
then tosses the shirt onto the table dismissively. I watch it fall in a cloud
of green material because looking at it is preferable to looking at him.
“Good,” he says in a low, hard voice. “I’m going out. Don’t wait up, I don’t
know when I’ll be back.”

I can’t help the next question
because it bursts out of me unbidden. “Will you be back?”

He shrugs. “Maybe.” The door
slams shut and my knees give out and I slump onto the carpet. For a while I
just sit there staring numbly around the room, until eventually the state of
the room makes me roll to my feet. I don’t know what’s just gone on but I can’t
sit here in this mess. I numbly right furniture and pick up the bigger pieces
of glass and then give in and call Scott, not wanting to give the desk staff a
gossip field day. He’ll know how to handle it. He arrives ten minutes later and
looks around whistling under his breath.

“What the hell’s got into him?
Sid’s not normally like this.”

I shrug, not even wanting to give
him the Bram tale which is patently untrue.

“I’m going to call it the Bill
Effect,” he says, pulling out his phone as it beeps.

“What?”

“Well, I’ve just had to clear up
Charlie’s suite, where he too appears to have been overcome with the homicidal
urge to destroy his entertainment centre. He’s in a fucking foul mood as well,
shouting at everyone.”