Trust Me (Finding my way) (17 page)

I walk back to the bathroom and slam the door behind me.

A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

“
I’m sorry Brooke, let me take a look please,” Sophie calls through the door.

I open the door and glare at Matt who is still laughing, wiping his eyes.

“Come on,” Sophie encourages, moving so I can hide it from the boys again.

“
What is it?” I ask, closing my eyes not sure I want to see what it is.

“
It’s actually really cute,” she tells me and takes a photo of it on her phone.

“
Huh.” Looking at the picture I relax completely. It is kind of cute. I have a little pink bow about two inches big tattooed on me; the only downside is that it’s right at the top of my backside.

“
Can we see?” Tuckers asks, getting up from the table.

“
Give me a minute,” I say before he gets any closer, and then grab some clothes. As soon as I’ve changed in the bathroom, I walk back into the room and stand in front of them where they are sat on the sofa.

“
Well?” Tucker asks.

I turn around and lift my top up with one hand; with the other I lower my jeans slightly.

None of them say anything, so after a few minutes I turn around to face them; they still have their eyes in the same position, so I clap my hands because they’re no longer staring at my backside.

“
Say something,” I tell them.

“
That’s sexy as hell,” Tucker says finally looking up at me. Matt nods and turns to Sophie but she just shakes her head at him laughing.

Something Dave said earlier makes me stop. I
’m pretty sure he asked if I found
them
and as far as I know, I only have one tattoo.

“
What’s wrong?” Sophie asks, noticing my expression.

“
There’s more,” I frown to myself.

“
Where?” Tucker asks lifting my top higher.

“
I don’t know,” I shrug and turn to the bathroom. “Soph, I need you to help me search,” I call over my shoulder.

“
I’ll do it,” Tucker offers, standing up and closing the bathroom door on Sophie and Matt laughing.

After a thorough check by Tucker and myself, we haven
’t found any more. I slump down on the floor trying to remember if I did anything else last night; flickers of the tattoo parlor come back to me and I remember seeing that they also did piercing. We didn’t find anything pierced either and there is only one place that we haven’t checked; but I wouldn’t do that, would I?

“Oh no,” I groan as I remember the conversation that Jack and I were having about an ex-girlfriend’s of his who had her clit pierced.

“
What’s wrong?” Tucker asks when I stand up again.

I shake my head at him and return to the room headed straight for Sophie. I pull her up and take her into the kitchen area away from Matt and Tucker.

“I need something removed,” I whisper to her when I’m sure I have her full attention.

“
What?” she frowns at me.

“
I had something pierced last night. Can you take me to the emergency room to get it un-pierced?” I ask

“
Brooke you can’t go to the hospital to have a piercing taken out,” she tells me, not whispering like I am.

“
Then what the hell am I supposed to do? I want it gone.”

“
You’ll have to do it yourself or get someone to do it for you.”

“
What now?” Matt asks looking at Tucker who just shrugs.

“
Soph…”

“
Where is it?” she asks, rolling her eyes at me.

“
Ummm…” I move my eyes down to the ground hoping she picks up on it.

“
Nuh uh, no way Brooke! Get someone else to do it, that’s too weird,” she shakes her head at me laughing.

“
Can we see?” Matt asks.

Sophie shakes her head at him still laughing.

“Can’t you take a photo and show us?” Tucker asks and Sophie just laughs even harder.

“
I
haven’t even seen it,” I tell them both over Sophie.

“
Soph, why are you laughing; what is it?” Matt asks her looking confused.

“
She’s laughing because I’m a virgin who has her fucking clit pierced,” I snap at them both.

“
Oh,” is all he says and Tucker just sits there staring at me open-mouthed.

“
You’re a virgin?” he asks finally.

“
You already know this. I kind of have other things on my mind right now,” I say dismissively.

“
But you and Andrew…” he trails of frowning at me.

“
Are friends. I told him I had a boyfriend so he wouldn’t try anything on with me.”

“
But Sophie said…” he turns to look at Sophie.

“
Don’t look at me like that! You would have done it anyway,” she tells him, but I have no idea what they are talking about and by the look on his face, neither does Matt.

“
I have a little situation here,” I call to them.

“
Shit Soph!” Tucker shouts and walks out of the dorm.

“
What was that all about?” Matt asks her from the sofa.

“
I told him Brooke had sex with Andrew.”

“
What?” I ask, turning to look at her now.

“
I knew something was going on between you both when we were in the hotel. So when we were all in the bar and you were talking to Andrew, I told him he would have the room to himself that night because you were going back to Andrew’s,” she says quietly.

“
Why would you do that?” Matt asks her.

“
Because he would have done something to hurt her eventually. I wanted her to get out before she had her heart broken,” she snaps at him, but is looking at me.

“
That wasn’t for you to do!” he snaps back and leaves the room.

“
So that’s why…him and Mel…it was you,” I whisper.

“
Brooke, I’m so sorry. I was only trying to help.”

“
Yeah and now I have a tattoo, a piercing and a best friend that won’t talk to me,” I snap at her, then leave her in the dorm alone.

“What does daddy think of the tattoo?”  I don’t bother looking behind me when I hear Beth’s voice; instead I turn my glare on Tucker.

“
Really?” I don’t bother trying to keep the disgust out of my voice.

“
I heard it basically offers up your ass as a gift,” comes from behind me again.

“
Been spreading your legs again Beth?”  I ask her, but look at Tucker.

“
Jealous, because I got further than you?” she whispers in my ear, taking me by surprise.

Narrowing my eyes at Tucker, I finally stand up and face her.

“What else did he tell you?” I ask, ignoring the few students that are staring at us.

“
Brooke,” Sophie warns, but I ignore her and pull my hand out of her grip when she attempts to pull me back into my seat.

“
A few interesting things really. Nightmares, trips to towns trying to make you remember your poor dead daddy, house parties where you get so drunk that you can’t remember getting a tattoo…”

“
Does it not bother you that after sex all you two can think to talk about is me?”

“
See, I’m having a little trouble here because, if I remember correctly you were the one who said I could only feel something if I had a dick inside me, but yet it would appear that you can’t feel anything at all.”

“
Walk away Beth,” Matt says from the table.

“
No, I think I’ll stay for a bit longer,” she shakes her head at him then looks over to Tucker and back at me with a smirk. “There’s no wonder you’re step dad hits you. I would if you were my daughter; can’t you see that you’re an embarrassment? I’d be ashamed of you. I feel sorry for your mom. You’re dad’s lucky he’s dead so he doesn’t have to witness what a fuck up you’ve turned out to be.”

I can hear Sophie
’s chair scraping across the floor as she jumps up out of her seat, but she doesn’t get to do whatever it was she was going to do. Before she can move, Beth is on the floor under me and I’m punching her in the face. She twists and throws me off her, then we’re flipped and she’s on top of me.

“
I learnt that trick while I was having sex, you wouldn’t know anything about that though, would you?” she sneers at me before landing a punch on my jaw.

“
Yeah, well I didn’t have to spread my legs to learn this one,” I snap back at her.

I use all my strength to lift her off me a little and then slam my knees up into her back, making her fly forward. She curls up into the fetal position on the floor and I grab a fist full of her hair.

A few people are surrounding us chanting ‘fight’ and random other things.

I twist my fist into her hair and bring her ear up to my mouth.
“Say what you want about me. Do what the hell you want to me but, mention my dad again and I swear to god, I will fucking kill you,” I whisper into her ear and then slam her face into the floor.

Matt pulls me up from the ground and drags my arms behind my back. Beth turns to look at me and smiles; her mouth covered in blood.

“If he was anything like you are, you’re mom’s lucky he’s dead too,” she spits a mouthful of blood on the floor.

I try to get my arms from behind my back but Matt tightens his hold on them. Someone lifts Beth up off the floor, holding her in the same vice type grip that I
’m in. I take advantage of Matt’s strength and without him realizing what I’m doing; I lean my weight against him and push both my feet off the ground making them slam into Beth’s stomach. Both her and the person holding her stumble back and land on the floor. Matt lets me go, out of shock I suspect, so I walk forward until I’m standing over her.

“
You want to fight and come out on top? Pick someone who doesn’t put up with this shit everyday.”

Sophie pulls me away from the group and sits me back down at the table. She starts wiping my lip that
’s bleeding, but I push her hand away and try to slow my breathing down.

“
Christ. I hate that bitch,” I whisper, drinking my coffee. Most of the people in the café have gone back to what they were doing before Beth and I went a bit a crazy, but a few people are still staring at us.

“
I don’t think you’re her favorite person either,” she whispers back. “What are you going to do about him?” I follow the direction of where she’s nodding until my eyes find Matt and Tucker; it looks like their arguing.

“
Right now? I’d like to do to him what I did to Beth.”

“
He’d deserve it,” she shrugs.

“
I’m gonna go, I’ll see you later,” I tell her when Tucker and Matt start walking back to the table. I pass them, but don’t say anything as I head to my next class.

To my surprise Tucker sits in the seat next to me; he normally sits in this seat but why on earth he would think I would want to sit next to him, I don
’t know.

“
Brooke,” he starts, but is cut off by the lecture starting.

I sigh relieved, until he slips a piece of paper onto my desk.

I’m sorry
.

I shake my head at him and scribble a note back.

Do you honestly hate me so much that you will go out of your way to upset me?

No, of course not. Will you let me explain?

No. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say, but do one thing for me? Next time you have to stick your dick in something, try to not talk about me afterwards,
please
.

I pass him the note and plug my iPod in hoping he gets the hint that I don
’t want to talk to him.

***

I wake up for the third time tonight and with all the exhaustion, memories, and the fight in the café this afternoon fresh in my mind, I give in and don’t fight the tears; but it’s not soft sobs and sniffles, it’s full on howling crying.  I grab my keys, not bothering to get changed out of my shorts and tank and leave the dorm.

I bump into Ethan, Tucker, and Matt on the stairs; they all stop to stare at me. I try to push past them, but Matt grabs my arm stopping me.

“Where are you going?”

I shrug and swipe my hands over my cheeks.

“Where’s Sophie?” he asks

I shrug again.

“Brooke, talk to me.” He grabs my other arm and starts shaking me slightly, but I just stare at him.

“
Brooke,” he’s begging now but all I can do is shake my head at him. The ability to speak is lost on me; I open my mouth but no words come out. I try walking away, but he doesn’t let me go. I frown up at him because he looks lost. I lift my hand to touch his face but I drop my keys on the floor.

Tucker picks them up and stares at me.
“You were going to go out?” he asks, looking at what I’m wearing.

“
What’s wrong with her?” I turn at the sound of Ethan’s worried voice.

They start having a conversation around me and I follow each voice with my head.

“I don’t know, we should take her back to her room.”

“
We can’t leave her like this.”

“
Where’s Sophie?” Ethan whispers.

“
I think she stayed in someone else’s room. She has an exam in the morning and couldn’t afford to lose anymore sleep.” Matt shrugs and sends me a guilty look.

“
Where was she going to go?” Tucker demands.

“
Should we let her go and find out?” Matt tilts his head at me.

“
She can’t talk and you want to let her drive?” Ethan asks.

“
Let’s take her back to her room. I’ll stay with her.”

“
I don’t think she’ll be happy to wake up and find you in her room.”

“
Well, she hasn’t got a choice; at least if I’m there she’ll get some sleep.” Tucker looks pointedly at me but my eyes move to Matt

“
If she hits you tomorrow, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“
Fine.” Tucker nods at him.

“
Brooke, come on. It’s time to go back to bed.” Matt starts steering me towards my room.

“
I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Tucker says when Matt and Ethan leave the dorm.

“
Brooke, don’t you want to go to sleep?” Tucker asks joining me on the sofa. I don’t answer him I just start flicking through the channels on the TV.

When I can
’t find anything to watch, I turn the TV off sending us into darkness.

“
Do you think she was right?” I ask, finally finding my voice.

“
Who?” Tucker asks sounding relieved.

“
She said my dad would be ashamed of me, was she right?”

“
Brooke, please don’t believe her or anyone else who says that to you. He would be so proud of you; it’s unreal. You’re the most beautiful, bravest, strongest, funniest, smartest, most loyal person I know. How could anyone be ashamed of you?”

“
I just want it to end,” I whisper, knowing he can hear me “The nightmares, the fights, the rumors, the crying, the memories, the lies; I want it all to end.”

“
Where were you going tonight Brooke?” he asks, moving closer to me.

“
I don’t know. I want to go home but…I don’t have one.”

“
This is entirely my fault. I’m sorry Brooke; will you let me explain myself to you, please?”

“
It’s not your fault. I don’t care why you did whatever you did, none of it matters anymore.”

“
That’s not true. At least let me talk to you about it, because to me it does matter.”

“
Okay.”

“
When Sophie told me you were going back to Andrews’s room, I felt sick. I know I shouldn’t have believed her but, I did and then what I did with Mel…you must have hated me for it. When I found out nothing happened between you and him…that Sophie lied to me. I don’t know what happened; I felt so horrible and I went out, got drunk and I ended up with Beth. We got talking and she was asking about you. I know I shouldn’t have told her anything about you at all, but I hurt you.  promised you and myself that I would never do that again after the last time. But I did and I felt worthless for it. Then she kissed me and I felt like, that was all I deserved, to be wanted by someone like her. I could never deserve someone like you Brooke, your worth so much more than me. That’s why I did it.”

I nod into the darkness taking in everything he just told me.

“Are you going to hit me now?” I hear him ask from beside me.

“
No, why would I hit you?” I turn towards where his voice is coming from.

“
The same reason you hit Beth.”

“
I didn’t hit her because of that; I hit her because she said my dad was lucky he’s dead. I didn’t get upset over what you did, how can I? Everyone I have ever known has hurt me at some point. Why should I expect you to be any different? It’s not fair for me to rank you higher than everyone else.”

“
I do have one thing that’s worrying me”

“
What?”

“
When you went out tonight. You wouldn’t talk to anyone, you had no shoes on, you were only half dressed and you said you wanted it to end. Please be honest with me now; was it your life you wanted to put an end to?”

I can feel his whole body tense up as he waits for my answer. My heart breaks a little with the knowledge that the people closest to me are worried that I could do that to myself at anytime.

“No, you have to understand that even though I’m not afraid of dying, we all have to go at some point. If it happens sooner rather than later for me, that’s okay. I’m not even that bothered how it happens, but I will never, ever try to end my life myself and I would never let my step dad do it for me either. That’s the reason I can keep going; it’s the only reason I carry on every day. I just don’t want him to control that part of me. My dad’s life got cut short; no one can force me to do the same with my own. That reason alone is enough for me, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“
Brooke. I want to be with you like I have never been with anyone else before but…I’m worried”

“
What are you worried about?”

I hear him take a deep breath and brace myself for the worst.
“I’m worried that I don’t deserve you and I’m worried that I can’t be enough for you.”

“
The fact that you’re worried about it tells me that you do and you can,” I whisper to him.

“
I need you to tell me what I can do to be good enough for you,” he whispers, sitting so close that we’re touching now.

I reach around in the dark until I find his hand and hold it in both of my own.
“You can cheat on me, you can hit me, you can use me, you can steal from me and you can let me down and never be there for me. But please, whatever you do, don’t ever lie to me. That’s the only thing that you can do to hurt me.”