Tug-of-War (22 page)

The fathers were finished packing the trunk, so they slammed it closed, and Molly's parents leaned
into the open car door and took another ten minutes saying good-bye. Finally we were ready to leave.

After he got in, Eric turned around in the front seat and smiled at all of us. “Next stop, Camp Pine Haven for Girls!” He was the only one in the car who hadn't made a comment about my regurgitation issue. I loved him for that.

We backed out of Molly's driveway and headed down the street. My stomach felt completely normal now. Hopefully, it wouldn't turn on me later. It's truly sad when you can't even trust your own organs, but my stomach has betrayed me many times. I've learned the hard way to be suspicious of it.

Mama glanced over her shoulder at me. “Feeling okay, honey?” she asked with her forehead crinkled up in worry lines. “We'll turn the air conditioner on and get some cool air blowing on you, all right?”

I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. “I'm
fine
.”

I hated the way everyone had to pay so much attention to me. But that was partly my fault for being so abnormal. I have never been good at dealing with new experiences, and it had been a really big deal for me to go away to summer camp in the first place.

At least no one had said anything about the “major
meltdown” summer. That was one of the worst experiences of my life.

Two years ago when I was ten, I was all set to go to camp for the first time. Eda Thompson, one of Mama's best friends, is the director of Pine Haven, so how could my mother have two daughters and not send them to her best friend's summer camp?

Madison had started going to camp when she was eight, and she loved everything about Pine Haven. So of course, everyone expected me to be just like Madison, but I didn't want to go when I was eight. Or nine.

Finally when I was ten, I felt this huge amount of pressure to go. I didn't want to, but I knew Mama, Madison, and Eda were all expecting me to go, and they all kept saying, “Just wait till you get there. You'll love it!”

But about fifty different things worried me. It was for a whole month, so I knew I'd be homesick, even with Maddy there and with Eda looking out for me. I'd be sleeping in a strange bed, away from home. I'd have to swim in a lake that was really deep with water that was dark green and you couldn't see the bottom of it. There would be all these strange girls I wouldn't know. Maybe my counselor would be really mean.

So about a week before camp started, I had a slight meltdown.

Actually, it was more like a major meltdown.

I started crying and I didn't stop. I cried for about two whole days. Major, major waterworks.

Everyone tried to comfort me in various ways that did absolutely no good at all. And yes, there were some regurgitation episodes. Eventually Mama said, “Fine, you don't have to go. You can stay home and miss out on all the fun.”

So I stopped crying and immediately felt better, but I could tell she was majorly disappointed in me. Half of me felt so incredibly relieved that I didn't have to go to camp, but the other half felt like the biggest failure in the world.

So last summer when I was eleven, I knew I couldn't back out of it again. Luckily, Molly had moved to our neighborhood at the beginning of fifth grade and we got to be best, best friends. She wanted to go with me last year, and she was so excited that she made me feel a lot better about camp, but I was still nervous in the beginning.

Molly elbowed me and grinned. “Just think, tomorrow we'll actually be riding horses again! I can't wait to see Merlin. I wonder if he'll remember me.”

Molly and I loved horseback riding more than any other activity at Pine Haven. Listening to her talk about
horses made me excited. Camp really was fun, even if I did get nervous about the first day.

“I wonder if Amber will be in our cabin,” said Molly.

“I don't know, but Eda promised she'd put you and me together.”

I felt a sinking feeling inside me when I said that. Eda probably thought I would have another meltdown if Molly wasn't right by my side. Once you've had one meltdown, people keep expecting you to have additional ones.

Mama was always telling people, “Jordan is a little more cautious than Madison. Jordan needs a little more encouragement than Madison does. Jordan is more sensitive than Madison.”

Translation: Madison is perfectly normal. Then there's my abnormal daughter.

Last summer I had managed to get through the whole month of camp without having a meltdown. But like that was a big deal.

This summer I had to do more than just survive camp. Last year, the day we got home, I heard Mama on the phone to Daddy, giving him a report of how things went. They've been divorced since I was five, but they still get along really well.

“Jordan survived!” I heard her telling him. Her
voice sounded so relieved. “Yes, she made it through the whole session. I honestly thought Eda was going to call me and say we'd have to come get her, but she made it! She survived! Maddy? Oh, well, you know how Madison loves camp. She thrived, just like she always does.”

After I'd overheard that conversation, I went to my room and locked the door. I cried for an hour.
Jordan survived; Madison thrived.
It was a horrible rhyme stuck in my head that kept repeating itself over and over and over.

This summer, I couldn't just survive.

This summer, I wanted it to be my turn to thrive.