Twilight's Serenade (18 page)

Later that night Britta found Brenton waiting for her on the front porch after she and Kay returned from putting the children to bed in Yuri’s cabin.

“I hope you might give me just a moment of your time,” he said.

There was still plenty of light in the skies to see him clearly, but Britta almost wished it was completely dark. She felt horrible for having to reject his proposal. Brenton had been a good friend to her, and she had almost been certain that she could have made their marriage work. But it just wasn’t enough.

“Of course,” she said, approaching the last step.

“I’ll be inside if you need me,” Kay told Britta.

Britta nodded and waited for Brenton to make the next move. She hoped he wasn’t going to beg her to reconsider. She couldn’t bear the thought of having to deal with his pleadings.

“Please, come sit with me,” he said and directed her to the porch swing. “I promise to make this brief.” They sat and he continued. “I just want you to know that I will honor your wishes. I’m going back to town tonight. I will make immediate arrangements to leave Sitka.”

“I wish—”

He put his finger to her lips. “I do, too, but it’s not to be. I suppose I always knew it wouldn’t happen. That’s why I followed you here. I wanted one more chance to convince you of my love.”

“I always knew that your love was real, Brenton. It was my own heart that was flawed.”

“Not flawed . . . just taken,” he said, his voice full of regret. “I just want you to know, however, that if this doesn’t work out for you—if you ever need me—you’ll always have a place in England. I would still love to have you in the orchestra.”

“Thank you, but I can’t,” she said. “I really wanted to forget the past, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t lie to you and pretend that I didn’t love Yuri, and I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. Now the truth is out. What comes of it is yet to be determined, but at least I don’t have to live a lie.”

He nodded. “I only want the best for you, Britta.” He took hold of her hand and kissed it before getting to his feet. “Goodbye.”

She looked up and tears blurred her eyes. “Good-bye, Brenton. Please be happy.”

He only gave her a hint of a smile before he turned and walked away.

Chapter 14

Y
uri found sleep difficult that night. He kept hearing Britta’s words over and over in his mind. She was in love with him. Her girlish fantasies of being his wife had followed her into adulthood. They had held fast through his drunken days, his marriage to a woman he didn’t love, even his fatherhood.

At first light, he got up and checked on the children. They were still sleeping, so he took himself to the front porch. To his surprise, he spied Lydia walking along the drive that led to town.

“Where are you headed this early?” he asked.

“No place in particular. I’m just walking and praising God.” She turned and came up the grassy hillside. “How about you?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Figured I might as well start my day. That way, when Britta does come over I can head right over to the boat shop.”

Lydia smiled. “Mind if I sit with you for a moment?”

“I’d like that very much,” Yuri said, offering her his assistance up the steps.

She settled into the rocker. “Aunt Zee loved this chair. I used to find her out here all the time knitting or quilting.” Lydia ran her hands along the well-worn wood.

“It’s one of Britta’s favorite chairs, too. She often rocks Darya or Laura in it.” He looked at Lydia for a moment. “Did you know that Britta was in love with me?”

Lydia didn’t so much as blink. “Of course. I’m her mother.”

“But why didn’t she say something before now?”

With a serious expression, Lydia turned to him. “You were married. Before that, you were mostly drunk. You wouldn’t have heard her.”

“I suppose that much is true. Still, I always thought her feelings toward me were just . . . well, some kind of sisterly love or admiration. I mean, I was always around when your girls were little. I just kind of saw Britta as an extension of my own family.”

“I can understand that,” Lydia replied. “Now that you know, however, what will you do?”

“I haven’t been able to think of anything else.” He turned to look beyond the porch. “Do you think it’s really possible for her to have loved me all these years?”

“Of course I do. Britta has always been like that. Once she gives her heart to something, she doesn’t let it go without a fight.” She paused. “Yuri, I want to tell you something, but I’d like it to stay between us.”

He glanced up. “You can say anything you like.”

Lydia nodded. “When you came back to Sitka with Marsha, Britta cried for a week. She didn’t cry in front of anyone, but I knew about it nevertheless. She would often sneak off to the woodshop or hide in her room. I could hear her, but I didn’t bother to let her know, because I was afraid of embarrassing her and causing further pain. Now, I kind of wish I had. She was so completely heartbroken that you had married someone else. She had been convinced that when you were ready, you would marry her.”

“But I never led her on that way, Lydia. I swear I didn’t.”

She laughed, surprising him. “I know that, Yuri. I’ve always known your actions toward my girls were honorable. Britta didn’t need you to encourage it, however. She had enough love of her own for the both of you.”

For a long while, Yuri said nothing. He found it impossible to comprehend Britta’s feelings for him. She was young and beautiful, talented and smart. What could she ever hope to find in a relationship with him?

Yuri got up and walked back and forth for a few minutes as he tried to collect his thoughts. “When I got hurt at the mine and came to realize God still cared about me, I had planned to come make a new start with Marsha and Laura. I didn’t even know about Darya. You have to believe me.”

“I do. But, Yuri, it’s not important that I believe anything. You’ve set things right with the Lord, and you’re trying to do the best for your children.”

“I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m capable of doing.”

“At times like this, prayer is the best thing you can do,” Lydia offered. “God has a plan and direction for you, and He will show you, if you only seek Him.”

“I know you’re right. I guess this all just took me by surprise. I’ve honestly been thinking about giving the girls away. I was going to have you contact Kjerstin to see if maybe she wanted to take them.”

“What stopped you?”

He paused in his pacing. “Well, I’ve found I’ve grown attached. Even to Darya.”

“What would you like to do, Yuri?”

“I honestly don’t know. These last few weeks—months— have been some of the happiest of my life. They’ve certainly been the most peaceful, despite my accident and learning about Marsha’s death and Darya’s birth.”

“Maybe that tells you something right there,” Lydia offered. “If you’ve been able to find contentment amidst conflict like this, then maybe coming home to Sitka was the right choice. I think there will always be a part of your heart that belongs here.”

“And Britta?”

Lydia focused her gaze on him. “What of her?”

He shrugged. “What do I do about her?”

“What do you want to do about her?” Lydia countered. “Honestly, Yuri, you have to make these choices based on what you desire—what you believe is right for you and your girls.”

He came back to his chair and slumped down. “I look at the girls and I know how very much they love Britta. Sometimes I think I should give them over to her to adopt.”

Lydia didn’t look shocked at his comment, so Yuri quickly continued. “She shows such tenderness with them. She truly seems to love them.”

“I’m certain she does. Britta has a lot of love to give.”

“Even to me, eh?”

“And that frightens you, doesn’t it?”

Yuri met Lydia’s warm gaze. “It does. Despite how God’s working within me, I don’t know that I can ever love anyone that way.”

“You love Laura. I’m certain of that.”

He fell silent, deep in thought. “I do love her, but . . . it terrifies me. I don’t want to love her only to lose her again.”

“Yuri, love isn’t about living in fear. It’s not about controlling the hearts of those around you. It is patient and kind. It endures and believes the very best. It never gives up. Just as Britta has never given up hoping that you would love her.”

“So you think I should marry Britta? Even if I don’t love her?”

Lydia shifted. “I didn’t say that. I have little regard for arranged marriages of convenience or business. I want my daughter to marry for love, and I know she does love you. However, I want that love returned. She’s waited for years, loving you from afar. It’s been to both her benefit and misery, and frankly, I don’t want to see her spend any more time and effort if you have no interest in loving her back.”

Yuri remembered the little girl Britta had once been. As her mother had said, she’d waited most of her life to prove her love to him. Now she was anything but a little girl. She was a woman full grown—and beautiful.

“I care very deeply for Britta. I . . . well, I would give my life for her, just as I would for Dalton. I admire her—her kindness and her gentle spirit. I watch her caring for my girls as if they were her own, and I know she loves them.”

“At first she loved them because they were yours. Now I believe she loves them for themselves. She tells me about Darya’s new accomplishments like any new mother might. And she shows great pride in Laura’s abilities, as well. Of course, Laura has loved Britta from the start.”

“I know. She adores her. That’s why it would be hard to think of separating them.”

“Could you ever love Britta, Yuri?”

Her simple question took him by surprise. “But don’t you see? I do love her. I just don’t know that I can love her the way a husband should. I don’t know that I’m capable of ever being what she needs me to be.”

Lydia chuckled. “And what might that be?”

He shook his head. “I don’t even know.”

“Then how can you be sure you can’t be what she needs?” Lydia got to her feet. “Yuri, even I don’t know what Britta needs, but I can tell you what women need in general. They need respect and love. They need to be able to trust your word and to be able to confide in you. So often, we can’t care for ourselves in this world, so we need protection and provision. Britta has seen her father be those things for me, so that even though I have a fortune in the bank, we try for the most part to live frugally and stay within the means of what Kjell can earn. Britta knows we talk openly through our problems and share our dreams. These are the things I would imagine she might desire in a husband.”

She looked off to the mountain before returning her gaze to him. “No matter what else you do, Yuri, please promise me you’ll pray. Seek the Lord first and foremost. He will answer you, although it might not be the solution you expect.”

“Lydia, would you pray for me, too?”

Turning, she smiled. “I’ve been praying for you for longer than you can imagine. I see no reason to stop now.”

“I’ve been thinking that perhaps I could help in the shop,” Theodore told Phoebe. “I realize Dalton and Kjell will be home in a short time, but surely not soon enough to see the skiffs completed for the cannery. Gordon mentioned there was still a great deal of work to be done, and I’d like to help.”

Phoebe looked at her brother for a moment, appreciating how he was trying to make amends with the family. He’d even gone out to Lydia’s to see if there was anything he might do to offer her assistance.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.” She didn’t want to hurt him by explaining that many of the jobs required special skills and training. She was hopeful Yuri could find something for her brother to do. “Why don’t we go down to the shop and ask Yuri?”

Ted nodded. “I’m glad to be able to do something. Mother has been so happy sewing up a storm for your family, but I feel rather useless.”

They made their way out the back door and down around the path that led to the water’s edge. The boat shop had been located there since Yuri’s father first started the business. Rain had made the stones on the path slippery, but Phoebe was used to the rain and had to smile when she remembered how much she’d hated it when they’d first moved to Sitka. It seemed the heavens were always anointing them with everything from a light mist to torrential downpours. This time, however, Phoebe’s comfortable knowledge of the land did not serve her well. The moment she placed her foot on the stone, she knew she’d make an error in judgment. She felt the ground give way as the mud shifted. Before she could so much as reach out to take hold of her brother, Phoebe fell forward and didn’t stop tumbling until she reached the bottom ledge near the water.