Twitterature (2 page)

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Authors: Alexander Aciman

BOOK: Twitterature
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In brief - and we mean this literally - we have created our generation's salvation, a new and revolutionary way of facing and understanding the greatest art of all arts: Literature.
And allow us now to open
The eternal aperture,
To the brilliant soul of common man:
We now present you . . .
Twitterature
.
The Catcher in the Rye
by J. D. Salinger
@HoldenLolfield
 
 
Fucked up for the last time. Theyʼre throwinʼ me out of the old school! Still havenʼt seen a goddamn horse! LOL!
 
Do you ever wonder what they used in Egypt to embalm mummies? Itʼs special ancient mummy juice, thatʼs what it is.
 
 
Left school. Totally yelled some nasty shit down the hall - thatʼll show em! Headinʼ 2 NY soon. Hit me up.
 
Surrounded by phonies. Everywhere!
 
 
I tried to bone some kidʼs mom. She wasnʼt havinʼ it. I have this really gay lumberjack hat now, though.
 
Checked into a dingy hotel; itʼs pretty crappy. Pay per view isnʼt working. I guess Iʼll just call a hooker?
 
Whoa: never ever try to short a hooker. These guys called pimps come and fuck you up.
 
Still surrounded by phonies! I bet youʼre all phonies, too. Ugh.
 
Think I have mouth cancer - will keep you all updated.
 
Anyone know where ducks go during winter? Do they freeze??
On a date with a girl I donʼt care about. So bizarre that nature makes me do such funny, contradictory things. Hypocrisy to the max. Deep.
 
Decided to run away from home. I told my sister about it. Sheʼs here.
 
I think some dude just tried to fuck me. Yeah, some dude just tried to put his dick in me. Disgusting.
 
Heʼs a phony too, of course.
 
Sister insists on going west with me - I said no way. Women canʼt be cowboys!!
 
On second thought, west probably as phony as east.
 
Life is full of frustration and contradiction.
 
I miss those pricks I swore at in school. :( Even though they were phonies.
The Da Vinci Code
by Dan Brown
@CatholicGuilt
 
Heading to Paris! A man is dead and the police think only my superhuman knowledge of cryptology can solve this one.
 
Oh fuck - the police think I killed him!!!
 
These idiots donʼt understand this is a CODE! Thankfully, this banginʼ - er, beautiful - French girl is helping me out.
 
Driving to a bank. Good time to exposit the history of all these crazy Catholic secret societies to this French girl - maybe get her hot??
 
HOLY SHIT!!!! We stole the Codex for a large-scale conspiracy that is conveniently in my area of expertise!
 
A historian explained rest of complicated conspiratorial legend. Itʼs good we keep track of all this. For the ladyʼs benefit, of course.
 
 
WTF!! A FUCKING ALBINO!! My cushy tenure at Harvard did NOT prepare me for all this action!!!
 
You know that old Italian dude who painted the picture of the smiling lady? Heʼs the key to all of this. LOL, who would have thought?
 
Police wonʼt stop chasing us! Will tweet all locations; just donʼt tell the Popo! Or the Pope.
Oh man, this gal is hot. But itʼs harder than I thought to find romance amidst a global plot to conceal the truth about Jesus Christ.
 
Taking a breather to solve some puzzles. ʻA Popeʼ, anybody? Thereʼs so many! Mad props if anyone can solve it.
 
Thanks to @dudeonthebus. Oh goddamnit, another cryptex? Jesus fucking Christ. Literally.
 
Canʼt someone tell this albino and the cops that weʼre just TRYING TO SOLVE A MYSTERY? Itʼs like a crossword! Everyone needs to CTFO!
 
Puzzles, puzzles, puzzles all day long.
 
So youʼre looking for something. Got a smokinʼ hot French babe with you. Then it turns out what youʼre looking for IS that babe. Yeah!
 
 
Jesus. The lady is a direct descendant of Christ. All good. Oh what? Another puzzle? Bring on the sequel!
Paradise Lost
by John Milton
@MorningStarlet
 
FALLING UNTO THE ABYSS!!!!! Iʼll talk more about why in several hundred pages to avoid any confusion.
 
OH MY GOD IʼM IN HELL.
 
ʼTis Pandemonium down here. Would ROFL but itʼs very hot.
 
Iʼm bored. Iʼm the chairman of the board. My compatriots are r-tards. Inaction? Is that the best we can do? We art fucking demons!
 
Sitting on our asses waiting for an apology from G-d isnʼt exactly renegade. Pussies.
 
Anyone heard anything about Earth? Good? Bad? Will be there tonight bringing the MOTHAFUCKINʼ RUCKUS. If anyone wants in, txt it.
 
On second thought, Iʼm going alone.
 
So there was a fight. Sometimes you invent gunpowder and you think SWEET but then they whip out JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF and BAM! Weʼre in hell.
 
How do you defeat your own son, born to YOUR OWN DAUGHTER! Freud would have a field day.
Did you know I can change shapes? BAM: halo, wings, grace. Looking sharp, looking the part. Time to go kick some Promethean ass.
 
What? The almighty knows everything? Asshole sent Gabriel - the mothafuckinʼ archangel himself - to warn Adam and his first lady.
 
Itʼs comforting to know that women were just manʼs first really good idea.
 
Iʼd like to cite Angry Mob v. Frankenstein - we are not responsible for all your nonsense.
 
Turns out the womanʼs dumber than the man, but she has this thing that if she doesnʼt give it to him, he starts to obey. I shall exploit that.
 
 
Dressed as a snake. Sheʼs going for it . . . Yes! She ate the forbidden apple! Guess God wasnʼt paying attention. Omniscient, hah!
 
So I won. Theyʼre getting kicked out. Boo hoo.
 
Theyʼre holding hands and crying. I wish someone would hold my hand :(
 
Beelzebub just isnʼt what I want. Stop crying! I didnʼt cry when I got kicked out of heaven and lost Parad—I FOUND A NAME FOR MY MEMOIRS!!
The Metamorphosis
by Franz Kafka
@bugged-out
 
Another day. Gotta go out selling.
 
Typing feels weird today.
 
Uh-oh. There are some white spots on my stomach . . .
 
I seem to have transformed into a large bug. Has this ever happened to any of you? No solution on Web MD.
 
This is so weird. I read that this kind of thing usually reflects a deep disgust and discomfort with oneʼs body. Is this true? Ana/Mia/bug??
 
Family not happy with my condition! Father and mother may want me dead.
 
Sister leaves me food!!! Thank god.
 
Sorry no updates. Bug time is weird. Lose track.
 
Sister very timid and confused - whatʼs up with that? - but still leaving me food.
 
Looked outside today. Men living in my house! Who let them in? Sis plays violin for them! MORE DEGRADING THAN BEING AN INSECT.
 
Thatʼs it. Iʼm going out there. Wish me luck.
OMFG, my father totally threw an apple into my back.
 
REPEAT: THERE IS AN APPLE LODGED IN MY FUCKINʼ BACK!
 
I am dying - the pain grows greater every day.
 
If I die my family may be able to move on. I curse the day I inexplicably transformed into a gigantic, six-legged metaphor!
 
And the rest is silence . . .
 
(Now that Iʼm gone my sister is a capable woman with a promising future. Guess the real ʻmetamorphosisʼ was hers!)
The Stranger
by Albert Camus
@TheRiskofSyphilis
 
Mom dead. Not sure if it was today or yesterday.
 
At the funeral now. Bored. People seem sad. Text, donʼt call. This old man was totally schtupping mom!
 
Funeral took forever. Spotted a woman on the way home. Will see her tomorrow, maybe get lucky.
 
At the beach, day is hot. I guess I find myself aroused by Marie - I guess.
 
Jesus, Raymond hit his woman again. Apparently weʼre friends.
 
Making omelets. Marie drops L-bomb. Too soon I think! Why must women always play hate ʼnʼ shit?
 
Work sucks. Boss is such a douche. Donʼt worry, Iʼm not moving!!
 
Marieʼs gotten over herself. Women. Going to the beach with Raymond and her.
 
God, itʼs hot. Long ride. Lunch soon.
 
DRRRRUNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
 
 
Atmosphere heavy, taking a walk. Taking the revolver too, Arabs abroad. Still hot and still drunk. Good combination.
The sun is oppressive and sickening. Becoming mad. Fever from the light, and eyes are tired.
 
Arab in the distance. Those folks are trouble. KNIFE! THIS SHIT JUST GOT HEAVY!!!
 
May have shot Arab. Four times. The heat had beaten madness into my brow. Whoʼs got 200 francs for bail?
 
Trial starting today. Why does everyone tell me I didnʼt do it? They ask if I am sure.
 
Just finished my statement. Told it all like it was. Lawyer seems regretful, judge angry, Marie wistful. I am confused.
 
Priest still bothering me. I feel guilty without knowing it (nor will I ever) then yelled at him until I was called a devil. What a tool.
 
It is such a burden to see Marie, although it comforts me. She may stop coming one day.
 
Big day tomorrow. Feeling pretty good. One last favor: please come to the execution. Represent with your howls of hatred.
 
Found an exit.
Oedipus the King
by Sophocles
@WhathappensinThebes . . .
 
Ever have weird flashes of memory from childhood, like getting tied to a tree in a forest and crawling a hundred miles to safety?
 
I have a lot of weird thoughts herding sheep all day. Boring, boring, boring. Shit, someoneʼs coming . . .
 
Itʼs the king! Heʼs yelling at me as the sheep bleat and I tweet. Cell phone use probably upsetting both.
 
If someone tries to kill you but you kill them first, thatʼs self-defense right? Even if youʼre a shepherd and theyʼre, uh, King of Thebes?
 
Anybody have Johnnie Cochranʼs number?
 
PARTY IN THEBES!!!!! Nobody cares I killed that old dude, plus this woman is ALL OVER ME! Total MILF.
 
Whoʼs the DJ in this place? Why does he keep playing ʻThe Endʼ by The Doors?
 
Who are these people who keep coming up behind me singing ominous choral pieces? Iʼm busy trying to mack here!
Hey, this lady is the queen. Getting some royal booty. Weird: She seems not the least bit upset that I killed her old husband!
 
Slow day preparing to be king.
 
ACK! Having more flashes of childhood memory. I see my parents arguing about some prophecy where I kill them. Is it just me, or . . . ?
 
These bizarre emotions have opened a whole new bag of issues. Must tell Sigmund next session to forget about abandonment and focus on this.
 
Oh my God. These people will NOT stop singing behind me. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! BTW: How do they know my name?
 
An old guy outside the palace keeps yelling about ʻyour motherʼ . . . ʻkilled your fatherʼ . . . ʻinces—ʼ well, shit.
 
MY EYES MY FUCKING EYES AGGGGHGHGHGHGHHHH!!!!!! I was totally not expecting that to hurt so much.
 
Oh well. Must keep on trucking to Colonus. Wish I had a seeing-eye dog. Glad I learned touch-typing.
Childe Haroldʼs Pilgrimage
by Lord Byron
@GreekWithEnvy
 
While my senses bend at the sublime, And quake before the oceanʼs trepidation . . .
 
My spirit blazes wrath of the divine, Soars greatly, loves, swoons, rages, and bangs your wife.
 
Lost 100 followers with those last two!! Sorry guys!!! Will try to be more direct!
 
My journey has begun. Iʼve set off into the world with 100 gallons of ink and paper. My companion is vomiting overboard.
 
I grow weary of Englishmen. They have no appreciation for the vastness of the earth. Wine, servant, MORE WINE! Going on a bender tonight.
 
What a world weʼve been given! Were I God himself I could not engineer one finer than this!

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