Two Can Play (29 page)

Despite my mom's dreadful illness, speaking to Kate has given me the biggest high I've ever experienced. Without the assistance of recreational drugs. The cab pulls away from the airport, taking me home to see my mom. I call Paula to let her know I'm on the way.

“
Hi,” she answers.

“
Just left the airport. How is she?”

“
Okay I suppose. She's been looking at hospitals today. There's a private cancer clinic in Switzerland, they seem to be the leaders in new breast cancer treatments.”

“
I'm paying for every cent of this.”

“
You really don't need to pay for anything, Aaron. I'm sure Mom has plenty of money and with the extra you'll be giving us, once Dad's real estate business is sold, she'll be fine.”

“
That money's for your future. Yours and Mom's. I'm footing the bill, and that's final. She's having the best, Paula. I'm making damn sure of it.”

“
Well I'm sure it'll be appreciated when she's in the right mind. So, how long will you be? I'll meet you downstairs.”

“
I want to stop off and get her some flowers, but I'll be there within twenty minutes, I expect.”

“
Right, I'll hang around in my room, look out for you from the window.”

“
Yep, do that, be there ASAP. 'Bye.”

I finish my call and tell the cab driver to detour. “Fiorista prima, per favore.”

He nods. “Si, Signor.”

I sit looking out the window, filled with elation about seeing Kate soon and acute anxiety about seeing Mom. It's hard to manage my mixture of feelings.

~ * ~

She's standing in the kitchen, with her back to me, hands on the countertop, staring at the coffee machine when I walk in. She suddenly looks far too small, not that she could ever have been described as big by any means. She's five foot four at most and has always been very slim. But right now she seems to be even smaller somehow.

“Hey, Mom.” I hold out my big bunch of pink flowers.

She turns in surprise and beams as she takes them from me. “Oh, Aaron, thank you, they're lovely, but what are you doing here? You just went back to New York, didn't you?”

I tell her straight. “I know you're sick, I wanted to be here.”

She gives my sister, who's standing in the doorway, a glare. “Paula, I told you not to tell him,” she says, in an accusing tone of voice.

“I don't understand. Why don't you want me to know?”

“
I don't want anyone to know. I had to tell Paula because she lives with me, but nobody else knows, at least I hope not.” She glares at Paula once again.

“
I'm sorry, but we all know, Mom. You shouldn't keep it from your family. We can help you, can't we?” Paula admits quietly.

Mom sighs deeply and her shoulders sag. “I haven't been the best of mothers, so I don't deserve your help,” she says in a small voice. “I didn't want to worry any of you.”

“That's all in the past. Let's forget that and try and be a family. Hell, what's more important in life than your own family?” I point out. I really do mean it as well.

“
But I feel so guilty about you. Your whole childhood was ruined because of me, Aaron. And the girls had some pretty bad times as well. My moods and angry outbursts. I was so nasty about you to everyone. I complained non-stop about you to your father. No wonder he kept leaving me. I must have been dreadful to live with, being so miserable and unreasonable all the time. I can't believe I did all that to you. Setting the girls against you like I did. It was inhuman. I can't expect any sympathy after all that! I'm getting my just rewards now. I deserve this. I damn well deserve to be sick and die.” Her face crumples.

My heart hurts to hear all this. She's tortured. And I know it's all true, that what she did wasn't all that motherly, but she doesn't deserve to get cancer as punishment. I try my best to make her feel better despite it all.

“Don't think like that, Mom. You had depression for years. It wasn't your fault for fuck's sake. I’m attempting to understand more about depression. I can forgive, Mom.” I know I'm lying. I haven't forgiven her yet, we've got a fair way to go, but it's important that she thinks I have. She really needs to think that right now. I pull her to me, and her small, slim, highly perfumed body sags against me with relief. She starts to shake. Tearfully. A huge sob bursts into my shoulder. I look at Paula and she has tears running down her cheeks. I'm choking up. I pull Paula in and we group hug and have a good cry together.

Jesus, it's time for me to man up here.

I take a deep breath and clear my throat. “Right, you two, that's enough of the waterworks. Let's have some strong coffee and start to think positively. No more dwelling on the past, Mom, okay? We're all here for you and that's what really matters, isn't it?”

“
I love you Aaron, I really do. I know you don't believe me. But I've been thinking about everything over and over. I'm so sorry for being such a terrible mother. I hope we can get along better now your father's gone. I found it all so difficult when he was around. That's no excuse I know. But I want to start again. Be a proper mother. If it's not too late.” She presses her wet face to mine, kissing my cheek. Then she wipes her eyes daintily with the back of her finger.

“
Nothing's too late, Mom. Now chill, okay? No more with the sorry or negative thinking. That's enough of all that. Get those flowers in water, Mom, and Paula, you can get the coffee done. And I'm taking you both out for dinner tonight. It's time we did something nice together...I just need to do something upstairs. I'll be back in a minute.” I don't really need to do anything upstairs, I'm just taking a breather from the heavy emotional atmosphere. As I leave the room, I'm quite surprised at myself for taking control like that. I take control of my professional life pretty easily as it comes naturally to me. But I've never had to assert myself in my family life. Dad was always in charge. But I'm the man of the family now. I may be the youngest, but I'm making sure I'm the strongest. No matter what happens with Mom, I'm gonna be there, at the head of the family, holding her hand, right until the end. Whatever happens.

I turn the corner and head up the stairs to what I expect to be my empty rooms. All traces of the younger me erased. I open the door and enter my inner lobby. A new door key sits on the shelf with a string and a label, saying “Aaron.” I pick it up and put it in my pocket. When I open the bedroom door I choke back a sob. Everything's new: new black duvet, drapes, and black rugs. I immediately spot the framed black and white picture of a young smiling Mom, beautiful and blonde haired, holding me as a small child, which sits on the chest of drawers. I pick it up in a blur of tears. The lump in my throat is unbearable.

God knows where she found that. I can't ever remember her hugging me. Let alone happily
. It's obviously a studio photograph, but it means a lot she found and dug it out for me.

I put it down as the extremely large TV that is dominating the wall draws my attention. I love electronics. Big boy toys, state-of-the-art sound systems, and all that. My apartment in New York is full of the best you can buy, and this new TV looks top quality.

Finally, I look at the bed.

A massive white bear with a smiling face, dressed in a NY Giants jersey,
my
football team, is propped up on my pillows. I'm overwhelmed that she's done all this for me, despite being sick.

I open my closet and sling my holdall in.

Three new black T-shirts are hanging up inside with a note pinned to one.

“
I don't know your size so I couldn't replace anything else. Let me know or we can get them together.”

Oh God I'm so, so choked...

I lay down on my bed and sob like a baby. I make sure I get it all out of my system. Everything I have the need to feel emotional about comes out in one big blast. Mom, Kate, my crap, horrible lifestyle. All the girls I've hurt and used and lied to. And last of all, my Dad. The one who can't be here to see what I'm gonna become.

This new me is going to be something else.

I want to be proud of myself.

And if he's looking down on me now, I want him to be proud of me.

I don't idolize him any more, because I know he had a lot of faults.

And up till now I've been following in his footsteps. His bad ones.

He may have been far from perfect, but I'm gonna damn well try to be.

I may not make the top grade, but near perfect will do just fine.

I have everything going for me and I'm gonna use it.

I sit up and take a deep breath and compose a message to Kate.

It's a simple sweet one, which I hope will make her laugh and feel good when she gets it.

- Miss you like hell. Hurry up and get here for fuck's sak
e
!

I press send and smile as I get up and change into one of my new T-shirts. I descend the stairs and walk through the kitchen, grabbing my mug of coffee from the countertop, and taking it through to the living room.

“Thanks for doing all that upstairs, you really didn't need to,” I tell Mom.

“
I wanted to make things right. I did my best.”

“
You did fine. Real fine. It's a great improvement actually. I needed a big clear out,” I joke.

“
Well I made sure you got one,” she replies with a twinkle in her eye. I can't help but laugh.

It seems my mother has a sense of humor, who'd have thought?

Crazy.

“
Don't even think about clearing my room, Mom.” Paula laughs. “You're way too brutal.”

“
Now, Paula. I'd never dream of it, even though you can't even get in your door with all your junk.”

“
My junk's staying put, Mother. I like my junk.”

“
Right, you two, I've an announcement to make,” I interrupt. I decide now's a good a time as any to reveal my news.

“
And what's that, dear?” Mom asks sipping at her coffee.

“
I have a girlfriend. As in, a serious one, I think.”

“
You do?” Paula says, looking at me with wide-eyed interest.

“
Mmmm, and she's on her way from New York to see me.”

“
Who is she?” Mom asks.

“
She's Kate. I met her here, but she's from L.A. You're both going to love her.”

“
Well, this is a nice surprise,” Mom says with a sweet smile.

“
No one was more surprised than me,” I admit with a laugh.

~ * ~

I'm standing at arrivals, feeling high and sick at the same time. The plane landed twenty minutes ago and she's coming through that door any second now. I see a flash of her lurid purple case and my heart leaps. The top of her fair hair appears through the crowd of backpackers walking in front of her. I wait for her to catch sight of me and finally she does. Our eyes meet and a wide smile appears on her face. The next second she's here in my arms, pressed up against me, the plastered, broken arm digging painfully in my neck. I'm kissing her face like a mad man, my chest heaving with emotion. I haven't said a word and neither has she. We stand staring and hugging, and she's smiling through the tears. I get my tongue into action. My voice is a bit croaky but I finally get some words out. Pretty pathetic words, but at least it's something.