Unattainable (36 page)

Tears burned in her eyes as she nodded.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered tearfully.

Dirty’s already wild eyes flashed with
an unidentifiable emotion and suddenly his fists were clenched and
his nostrils flared with heavy breaths. He appeared to be warring
from within and it looked to Ellie like his personal demons were
winning.

“
It’s okay,” she said,
trying her best to mask her shaking voice with a soothing tone. “We
don’t have to do anything.”

His eyes flared even wider and Ellie
shrunk backward.

“
I HAVE TO!” he roared,
his face turning red with rage. “I FUCKIN’ HAVE TO!”

The next thing she knew, he grabbed her
calves and pulled her legs apart. His hips surged forward
and—

Ellie sucked in a startled breath of
air as he filled her body. He wasn’t a small man, not at all, and
it took more than a moment to adjust to his size.

Dirty stared down at her, looking no
better than before, shaking, his eyes burning with both emotion and
tears. She powered through her need to comfort him through touch
and just lay beneath him, their bodies joined but neither of them
touching the other, neither of them moving. Just
staring.

“
Fight me,” he suddenly
whispered.

Ellie’s eyes widened.
“What?”

“
Fight me,” he repeated,
his voice breaking. “Bitch, please.”

Oh God, this had been a bad idea. He
wanted her to fight him. She couldn’t fight him, it was too much
like what had happened between her and Daniel and she
wanted…

She wanted Dirty.

“
Okay,” she whispered, her
voice wavering. “But I don’t know what to do.”

• • •

Fight him.

Aw shit, he was begging. Begging like
he’d done as a child. Begging for love from his twisted cunt of a
foster mother, begging for food and money, begging because those
sick fuckers had liked it when he’d begged. Anger rose inside of
him, anger and hatred and self-disgust.

And then…

He could see the unease, the panic, in
Ellie’s expression, and as much as he hated being the reason for
any negative emotions within her, a sense of familiarity and
comfort enveloped Dirty. He was disgusting. He was motherfucking
repugnant. Ugly. Unwanted. There was nothing, not one goddamn
thing, appealing about him.

Inside Ellie, his dick began to
throb.

“
Okay,” she whispered.
“But I don’t know what to do.”

Dirty closed his eyes and prayed for
the strength to go forward. He was inside her, and he wanted so
badly, no, he
needed
so badly to fuck her and yet he was
frozen inside his own fear.

Ellie’s hips suddenly jerked in an
attempt to dislodge him and his eyes flew open and his body spurred
into action. Gripping her thigh, he brought her back, fully
sheathing himself once again. Then he slapped his hand down over
her mouth, pulled his hips back, and again seated himself. His body
shuddered through the adrenaline rush inside of him.

“
You get it now?” he asked
quietly.

Trying to breathe but unable to, she
nodded wildly against his hand. Her hands flew to his wrist and she
began pulling and clawing, trying to remove his hand.

The second he released her mouth, she
didn’t even bother taking the time to refresh her lungs. Her arms
shot forward, gripping handfuls of his shirt, and her feet hooked
around his calves as she tried to shove her way out from beneath
him.

She wasn’t going anywhere.

Grabbing a handful of her thick black
curls, he yanked her head to one side. “Fight harder,” he growled,
increasing his hip thrusts. She stopped fighting and started
sucking in air, her tense body trembling.

“
FIGHT ME!” he
roared.

She did.

She fought him hard and ended up
getting a couple good clips in, some skin-breaking bites. She
fought him with everything she had until, finally, nearing the end,
she was crying, not out of pain but out of frustration, and he
decided that was good enough.

It was a heady feeling, power.
Exhilarating. Power over the same sex who’d stripped his power away
from him when he was only a boy. He needed it as much as he needed
to breathe, and he’d been stupid to think he’d ever be able to have
a sexual encounter with a woman any other way. He’d been stupid for
thinking he’d be able to manage it. Even with Ellie.

And when he was done with her, after
he’d left her body and fell onto his back beside her, he turned his
head and watched her. Naked, still lying on her back, unmoving
except for the heavy rise and fall of her quivering breasts, Ellie
stared up at the ceiling.

“
Ellie?” he whispered,
fear rising in his gut. She was going to leave him now. She was
going to run from him. No woman, especially not a smart and
beautiful one, was going to willingly deal with him.

But instead she surprised him for the
hundredth time. When she turned her head in his direction, he
winced, seeing the tears in her eyes.

“
Hold me,” she said
hoarsely, her tone pleading. “And let me hold you.”

His eyes widened.

“
Please, Michael,” she
continued. “I can do…what you want, but you have to give me
something in return.”

When he said nothing, his mind a
frantic mess, Ellie was suddenly curling her body around his,
laying her head on his chest and cupping the side of his face with
her hand.

He went rigid. Refusing to touch her,
he locked his jaw and tried to breathe.

This was Ellie. It was Ellie. His
beautiful, sweet, loving Ellie, who had the very best laugh in the
entire world.

Slowly, very, very slowly, he lifted
one arm and almost gingerly laid it over her bare back.

His eyes closed. Fuck-ing-hell. Her
skin was so damn soft. Without even realizing it, his fingertips
dug gently into the extra weight at her side, and before he knew
what was happening, he had both arms around her and was holding her
tightly.

“
I’m sorry,” he choked
out, squeezing her tighter.

Her head tilted and her big blue eyes
caught his gaze. “Never be sorry for who you are,” she whispered.
“That man saved my life. Twice.

“
And,” she continued, “I’m
falling in love with him.”

Dirty’s throat closed up. This wasn’t
happening to him, not really, because it couldn’t be. Not after a
lifetime of misery, not after everything he’d done. No fucking way,
he didn’t deserve this, not even a little.

But he wasn’t going to give it up
either.

No. Fucking. Way.

He would lie, cheat, steal, and kill to
keep this. To keep her.

“
Mom,” I said nervously,
glancing over at her. “I still don’t think this is a good
idea.”

Keeping her eyes on the road, she shook
her head. “Baby, it was Eva who called. She was crying so hard I
could barely understand her. She needs me.”

“
I know,” I whispered.
“But I don’t think I should be there.”

She shook her head again. Reaching out,
she placed her hand on my thigh and squeezed lightly. “She needs us
all.”

I closed my eyes and tried to fight
back my rising nausea. How could I face them all after what had
happened? And during the wake of tragedy? No one would want me
around. No one in that club needed me for anything. I didn’t belong
there; I wasn’t family and would serve as little comfort to any one
of them. Instead, I would be in everyone’s way.

I had barely slept in the last two
days, ever since the phone call from Eva. I was awash with a
mixture of emotions—nervousness, anticipation, fear, and grief. I
wanted to be there for the club, but at the same time I didn’t know
what my reception would be. And the last thing I wanted to do was
intrude on them, especially now in the midst of their
grief.

“
Not me,” I mumbled. “I
don’t belong here…I never did.”

I jerked forward as my mother slammed
on the brakes of our rental car and pulled it over on the side of
the road. I stared at her, somewhat bewildered, as she whipped off
her seatbelt, then promptly turned in her seat, facing
me.

“
I know what you think of
me, Tegen,” she said matter-of-factly. “I know you think I’m a club
whore.”

My eyes went wide. “No!” I protested
but my mother quickly put her fingers against my mouth.

“
Shh,” she whispered.
“It’s well past time you knew the whole story. Maybe if you’d known
all along…” She trailed off and shook her head.

“
I didn’t love your
father,” she continued. “I tried to, but he wasn’t just physically
absent from us, he was emotionally gone as well. When I met Jase…
Well, Jase started out as a distraction, something that made me
feel like a woman that was actually wanted.

“
We were both married,
both unhappy with our marriages. I knew he wasn’t faithful to me
but initially I didn’t care. I was happy with what he gave me
but…eventually it wasn’t enough anymore and I demanded that if he
refused to leave Chrissy, other than her, he be with only me. In
return, he wanted me to leave your father. He wanted to take care
of me and with every request, every demand for more, I fell more
and more in love with him.

“
Deep down, I knew he was
never going to leave Chrissy, but that didn’t mean I never stopped
wishing he would.”

I blew out a large breath of air. I
already knew all of this; I’d figured it out on my own over the
years, but hearing her say the words, trusting me with all of this,
made me hate her a little less for some of the decisions she’d
made. Decisions that hadn’t just affected her but me as
well.

“
Hawk was an accident,”
she continued. “Jase had been on the road for nearly two months, I
was drunk and sad, I barely remembered it. But he came to me again
the next night and when I said no, he blackmailed me.”

My mouth fell open. He what? He fucking
what?

“
I will kill him,” I bit
out. “I will fucking—”

“
Tegen!” she snapped.
“Watch your damn mouth! Let me finish talking!”

Breathing hard, I pressed my lips
together. Maybe hearing this wasn’t going to be the best thing for
me. Planning a homicidal rampage through the club was probably not
the best idea.

“
I won’t get into
specifics,” she said. “But yes, he blackmailed me. He said if I
didn’t agree to being with him again, he was going to tell Jase
what happened.”

I closed my eyes to try to calm my
quickly rising rage. How could she let these men walk all over her
like this? For fucking years? Why? She was a smart woman, she was
beautiful, she could have taken me and just left, we could have
made a life somewhere else!

“
Of course I was terrified
of Jase finding out what had happened so I agreed…” She trailed
off, her eyes going glassy, remembering, watching something only
she could see.

“
It was hard,” she
whispered tearfully. “The first few times. Being with a man who
wasn’t Jase, but…”

“
But fucking what?” I
gritted out.

“
I fell in love with him,”
she finished listlessly.

I gaped at her. “You fell in love with
a man who blackmailed you into fucking him?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Do you always have
to be so crude? You sound like the men around here!”

“
I grew up here,” I shot
back.

“
Tegen, I don’t know how
to explain this to you in a way you’re going to understand, but
yes, I fell in love with him. He was different from Jase. He didn’t
want to be with anyone but me. And the way he spoke to me, the way
he was with me… He was willing to give up everything for me. The
club, the boys, even Deuce. Nobody had ever loved me like that.
Nobody had ever put me first. Especially not Jase.”

“
Then why didn’t he?” I
demanded. “If he loved you so much, and you loved him, why didn’t
he just come clean, get tossed on his ass, and take us away from
here?”

I watched as more tears formed in her
eyes and spilled over.

“
I never told him I loved
him,” she choked out. “I was afraid of myself at that point, my
betrayal to both of them, not knowing who to choose, not wanting to
hurt either of them but at the same time, selfishly not wanting to
give either of them up. It was all my fault, Tegen, getting shot
and Chrissy going to jail, leaving those three girls without their
mother. Jase is a wreck now, and Hawk…when he’s not with us, he
lives alone. All the time, alone. And it’s all my
fault.”

She broke down then, sobbing silently,
tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

I grabbed her shaking hands and held
them both inside my larger ones.

“
Mommy,” I whispered, my
own tears falling, my heart breaking for her. “You didn’t do
anything wrong.”

She hadn’t. I knew that now. She’d been
stuck in a loveless marriage, in an impossible situation, and had
tried to follow her heart. Had she made some bad decisions? Yes.
But my God, she had been so young, younger than I was now when this
had all begun.