Unattainable (37 page)

“
Shit
just…happens.”

My mother’s eyes met mine and
surprisingly a small smile formed on her lips.

“
Which brings me back to
my original point,” she said gently. “Your shit, Tegen. ZZ and
Cage. You’ve been doing well, considering, and I haven’t wanted to
rock the boat, but you of all people can’t keep your feelings
bottled up forever. Let’s start by why you never told me about
ZZ.”

My eyes dropped to the console between
us. “Because you didn’t remember him,” I muttered. “So, what was
the point?”

“
Tegen.” She drew out my
name in a warning tone and I glanced up sheepishly. “Because I
didn’t want you to know,” I admitted.

“
That’s a problem,” she
said softly. “Usually nine times out of ten when you don’t want
your mother to know something, it’s something you shouldn’t be
doing.”

My cheeks reddened. “I didn’t want you
to be disappointed in me.”

“
Oh God,” she said.
“Tegen, no, I’m so proud of you, baby. For doing so well in school,
for going to college, but most of all I’m so proud of you for
getting out of here. The last thing I wanted for you was to end up
like me.”

“
There is nothing wrong
with you,” I said, grabbing her hand and squeezing.

She squeezed back. “I’m alone, baby.
The men I love are alone. I don’t want that for you; I don’t want
you to make the same mistakes I did. Which brings us to the second
man in your life.”

“
Fuck me,” I whispered,
squeezing my eyes shut. Cage. Damn him. I loved him so much. Too
much. But for as much time as I’d put into daydreaming about Cage
and me over the years, it had only taken a few short days and a
tragedy for the reality of the situation to rear its ugly head. And
the reality of Cage and me was so very different from the
fantasy.

Not that it mattered
anymore.

My mother smiled knowingly. “You love
him, baby,” she said. “And that matters.”

“
But it doesn’t,” I
protested. “Deuce told me to stay away and…Cage never once tried to
contact me.”

“
That doesn’t prove
anything. Have you tried to contact him?”

“
You know I
haven’t.”

“
And yet you still love
him.”

I shook my head. “I don’t understand
what you’re trying to tell me.”

“
Simply put,” she said
softly. “You don’t want to spend the rest of your life not
knowing.”

I closed my eyes, willing my quickly
rising heart rate to slow.

“
And, Tegen?”

I opened my eyes.

“
You belong where you are
loved.”

Releasing my hand, she turned away and
buckled her seat belt. We drove the remaining hour to Miles City in
silence and when we pulled up to the clubhouse gates, after Bucket
had buzzed us in, after our short walk to the front door, and after
I hesitantly stepped inside…

Eva spotted us first and came running.
Kami and Danny weren’t far behind her. The three of them engulfed
my mother and Christopher in a hug. Feeling awkward and
uncomfortable, I stepped aside and allowed my mother her happy
reunion. Doing a quick scan of the room, I felt both relieved and
disappointed that Cage was nowhere to be found. What I did notice
was Blue’s seat at the bar. Empty. Something stirred to life from
deep down within me.

It was a sort of grief but at the same
time it reared to life an odd sense of protectiveness for the
others grieving him. I hardly remembered my life without Blue
somewhere in the background, usually drinking or sleeping, and
everyone else in this room undoubtedly felt the same. And now he
was gone.

I felt that.

And if I felt that…

I looked around the room, at the men,
their wives, and children.

I didn’t want anything to happen to any
of these men. I’d grown up with them inside this club, spent more
time with them than anyone else in this world. The thought of
something happening to any one of them…to Mick and Tap and
Dimebag…to Ripper and Hawk…even to Jase. The thought of something
fateful and permanent occurring to any one of them…

Yeah, I hated that they cheated on
their wives, that they were at the club more than they were home,
that they cared more about riding then they did about making it to
their kids’ soccer games. But hate them?

No. Not even close.

I guess you didn’t have to like what
goes on inside the club to love the club.

And I guess I had Blue to thank for
that revelation.

“
What’s up,
kid?”

I glanced up and found Mick smiling
down at me. “Hey,” I said quietly, and tried to smile.

“
Fuckin’ sucks that it
took losin’ Blue to get you girls back home,” he continued. “But
I’m glad you’re back just the same.”

Speechless, I swallowed
hard.

“
Speakin’ of bein’ back,”
he said. “Prez wanted to know the minute you and D got in. I’m sure
you already know he’s laid up and damn grumpy about it, so I’m
under orders to take you straight to the hospital.”

My stomach dropped. “Why?” I whispered.
Was he going to yell at me again? Kick me out of Miles
City?

“
Thinkin’ he wants to
talk, Tegen. Apologize, too.”

My mouth fell open. “Apologize?” I
repeated.

Mick grinned. “Fucker knows he did
wrong. Heart attack nearly killed him; scared him somethin’ fierce
too. He wants to make this shit between you and him
right.”

“
Shouldn’t he be resting?”
I said, hedging, having absolutely no desire to be face-to-face
with Deuce even if he was going to apologize.

Mick snorted. “That bastard is as
ornery as ever.”

My nose wrinkled. Great. An ornery
apologizer.

“
Tegen?”

I glanced over and found Danny with her
arms outstretched, smiling at me.

“
Hey, moody hooker,” she
said as she moved in for a hug.

My lips twitched. “Hey, yourself…prissy
bitch.”

It wasn’t long before I found myself in
the center of my own group hug from the women. And from the men,
hair ruffles and sloppy cheek kisses were given, some crude
comments were made about my new and improved backside. Anger gave
me a dirty look and Bucket tried to feel me up.

Yeah. I was home.

“
Okay,” I said to Mick
once the greetings had begun to lull. “I’m ready to go see
Deuce.”

He still loved me.

He still loved me.

I repeated the words over and over
again in my head like a mantra as I paced the length of the
clubhouse kitchen.

Hooked up to a heart monitor, oxygen
tubes up his nostrils, an IV in his arm, Ivy curled around his left
leg, fast asleep, Deuce had told me as much. He’d also told me Cage
was in a bad way, using hard drugs, sleeping around again, and
shirking all his club duties. That he’d bought himself a one-way
ticket to the land where few return from.

He’d also told me to “reel it in” when
I started to cry. Then he told me to “go get my man.”

Now I was back at the clubhouse and yet
I couldn’t bring myself to make the short trip down the back hall
to Cage’s room. Not only was I terrified of what I was going to
find inside, I was terrified Deuce was wrong. That Cage wasn’t in a
bad way because of me, that his bad way had nothing at all to do
with me and everything to do with what had happened to
him.

Because of me.

That love was the last thing on his
mind and instead it was hate fueling him.

What if…

“
Fuck it,” I muttered and
quickly crossed the kitchen. Slamming my hands into the double
swinging doors, I headed right, then left, and down the back hall
where I came to a halt in front of Cage’s door.

After smoothing out my dress and making
sure my glasses were straight, before I could think twice about it,
I knocked lightly on the door.

“
What?” came the booming
yell from inside.

The raw anger in Cage’s voice made me
cringe. Well, now what? Did I knock again or go inside? Maybe I
should just walk away?

I poised my fist, ready to knock again,
then decided against it. He already knew someone was out here, he’d
heard my knock and responded. All I would succeed in doing by
knocking again was pissing him off.

Blowing out a deep, anxious breath, I
gripped the doorknob and slowly pushed open the door.

His room was filthy. Dirty clothes and
boots covered the floor, empty beer and liquor bottles lined his
dresser and nightstand, and ashtrays everywhere were overflowing
with cigarette butts. And the smell…

Deuce had prepared me, so I’d expected
as much.

But what I wasn’t prepared for, not
because Deuce hadn’t prepared me, he had and I’d cried like a fool
because of it, but nothing could have prepared me for coming
face-to-face with the naked brunette lying on Cage’s bed, Cage
leaning over her body and snorting cocaine off her
stomach.

It fucking gutted me.

My heart broke into a million fucking
pieces, each shard ripping open my veins as they sliced through my
bloodstream. I felt as if my body were failing, breaking
down.

In my haste to get as far away as fast
as I could, I tripped over a boot near the door and went flying
face first into the hallway.

Cursing, I scrambled quickly to my feet
and just as I was about to take off down the hallway, a large hand
wrapped around my forearm and yanked me backward.

Cage swung me roughly around to face
him and I blanched seeing him up close. He looked horrible, like
he’d aged years since I’d seen him last. His eyes were bloodshot,
ringed in puffy bags and dark circles, his hair was longer—past his
shoulders—greasy and stringy, and he was the thinnest I’d ever seen
him. Which wasn’t that thin at all but for a man Cage’s size, it
looked wrong.

For a moment he just stared at me,
looking me up and down, before his eyes landed back on my
face.

“
What the fuck are you
doin’ here?” he demanded.

“
Let go of me,” I said
just as fiercely.

“
Not a chance in hell,” he
spat and yanked me forward, pulling me inside his room.

“
Get out,” he told the
brunette.

Slowly, she slid off the bed and
scooped up her clothing. As she passed by me, she gave me a lazy
smile. “Don’t know how much good he’s gonna be to you,” she said,
smirking. “Coke dick is a bitch and I already drained that shit dry
twice today.”

I didn’t think, just reacted and lunged
for her, but Cage still had my arm and yanked me immediately
backward. “You stupid whore!” I screamed, struggling against
Cage.

Startled, the girl jumped backward and
froze. God, she looked so young. Young and motherfucking slutty. I
lost it.

“
I will fucking kill you!”
I screamed at her, thrashing against Cage.

He lost his grip on me and I tried
again to attack the little bitch, only to find myself encased in
Cage’s arms. As he dragged me backward, the girl, still naked and
holding her clothing, ran for the door and disappeared into the
hallway.

“
I will find you!” I
screamed after her. “I will find you and you will fucking
die!”

“
Calm the fuck down!” Cage
yelled.

“
Fuck you!” I shrieked,
twisting wildly in his arms.

“
Fuck me? Fuck me! Bitch,
you left me bleedin’ out in a fuckin’ hospital and you’re screaming
‘fuck me’? No, Tegen, FUCK YOU!”

“
I didn’t want to!” I
cried. “Your dad made me leave! He told me I couldn’t ever see you
again and that I couldn’t ever come back here! He told me he was
going to kill me if you died!”

Cage released me so abruptly that I,
still flailing, fell forward and face first into a pile of
clothing. The very second I managed to get to my knees, Cage was on
me again, roughly turning me to face him and pinning me
down.

“
You’re lyin’,” he spat.
“You fuckin’ left me again. You keep leavin’, Tegen, it’s what
you’re fuckin’ best at.”

“
I’m not
lying!”

“
Yeah,” he hissed. “You
motherfuckin’ are!”

I stared up at him, into his angry eyes
and his beautiful face. He looked exhausted, broken down, and high
as a fucking kite.

My gaze traveled lower, to the scars
all over his chest, and my eyes began to fill.

“
Why are you doing this to
yourself?” I whispered. “You shouldn’t even be smoking, let alone
doing drugs. I’ve read so much about it, Cage. Once a lung
collapses it’s vulnerable to all sorts of things. It could collapse
again or you could get an infection—”

“
Shut up,” he bit
out.

I stopped talking and let my tears fall
instead.

“
I woke up,” he said. “And
you weren’t there and I thought you were dead. I thought that
motherfucker had taken you out too.”