UNBREAKABLE (ABLE SERIES) (26 page)

“You okay?” He whispers in my ear.

“I’m good. I’m with you, so I’m good, better actually.”

I melt in his arms, as always. He’s like my honey, and I’m a bee, which probably should be the reverse, but this works for me. Before I know it, we arrive, and you can just sense the shift of emotion in the car. It’s a mixture of apprehension, the ever present fear, and hope. After all, the hospital is called City of Hope…where the hopeless go to search for
hope
. That’s my hope…I claim it, and I will continue to claim it for as long as we’re on this journey and even beyond. Hope is good…it blossoms and rises up when submission sets in…it’s the perfect antidote for fear, but ultimately, hope is given freely by our Maker, which is one thing my mom told me. Not knowing how long we have doesn’t matter. What matters is how we’re going to live it…together.

“Alright, Mr. Sexy-Patient-Of-Mine exit stage left, please,” I say, as I give him the biggest smile…that smile I reserve only for him.

He looks at me, amusement twinkling in his eyes. He pulls me on his lap while I cup his cheeks. Oblivious of everyone in the car, we bubble ourselves inside our own world, where only he and I exist, just us, as always…as it should be. Yup, we’re going to laugh our way through this drama we call Cancer.

“I love you; you know that?” He asks with love shining through his eyes.

“Oh, I do know it, but I love you more. Since I’ll be eating hospital food for a month, you owe me big time, buddy.”

“Really, now. I think I know how to repay you, sweetheart.” He grins.

“Oh yeah, how are you going to repay me?”

“Oh, you know, a few mouthwatering kisses here, tons of sizzling tongue action, coupled with juicy hugs and warm embraces there, paired with a strong blend of hot sex and loud moans, and I have one deliciously happy woman.” He’s smiling wide, right now.

“Hmmm, I think I want a taste test, first. You know, sample the merchandise.” I wiggle my eyebrows at him.

“Okay, are you ready? One mouthwatering kiss, tons of sizzling tongue action coming right up.”

He leans in, and I lean back.

“Wait, where’s the juicy hugs and warm embraces?” I ask pouting.

“You’re already getting them…you want more? Aren’t you a greedy girl?” He grins.

“Ah, am I getting my mouthwatering kiss and tons of sizzling tongue action to go?”

He looks at me with tenderness and love in his eyes, mirroring mine.

“You can have it forever, a lifetime supply. I give a lot of freebies; but only to this one loyal customer, who has my heart in her hand, who I’m so fucking crazy in love with, and who I can’t live without.”

“I love you, Jake Oliver, so much,” I say with as much passion as my renewed heart can say.

He looks at me intensely, searching my eyes, probably for any sign of distress or anxiety, but I’m sure he won’t see it. He won’t see it, because I’ve accepted what is; as hard as it is, I know I have to. Acceptance is the only way to push past the fear, and move forward. For him, I’ll accept anything, submit to anything to overcome it all.

“Thanks for this, for being here, for being mine, for fighting with me, for hoping with me, for standing by me, for giving me a reason to live, for making me laugh when at times I find no reason to, for wanting more of me, and more of us. Trish, Thank.You.For.Loving.Me.”

Then, he kisses me with so much affection and devotion I want to bask and drown in it. I could stay like this forever because he’s my forever. Fear starts creeping in, but I put a stop to it. Nope, I will not let it take over my heart, again. God, please, give us more time. More time, please. What is more time? A couple of years? I want a lifetime with this man.

Just as always, neither one of us wants to be the first one to end it. I guess, I have to…I always do, because if I leave it up to him, we’ll be doing this forever and more.

“Slow down there, love. We have to go.”

“No, want more kisses.” He leans in to capture my lips again.

I let him continue and before I know it, I get lost myself….get lost in him. Overcome by our emotions, we’re both crying, our kissing stops, and we hold onto each other. We continue to whisper ‘I love you’s’ in a never ending loop. I love him so much; it hurts. It hurts knowing he’ll suffer.

“I don’t want to see you in pain,” I whisper.

“It’s okay, Trish. I want to be with you for a very long time; that’s why I’ve accepted what’s going to happen to me. Remember,
pain is weakness leaving the body
. I don’t want this weakness called cancer in me….the only weakness I want in my life, is my weakness for you. I want to gain more time with you. I want it, and I need it. I crave a lifetime with you. Remember, what we have here…” pointing to my heart, “…it’ll carry us through. You are my strength and my life. We’ll fight this together, Trish. Let me take the hit while you guard US. We’ll tag team this bitch. So, don’t be afraid. Stand strong with me, alright?”

“Okay.”

“You good? You ready to roll?” He grins.

“Lead the way. You know me and directions don’t go together. If you want to get lost, I’m your gal.”

“Piece of cake,” He says with a smile.

“Piece of pie,” I counter.

“With ice cream on top,” He says, his eyes twinkling with delight.

“Definitely, with tons of whipped cream,” I say wiggling my brow.

“With cherry on top.”

“Mixed in with nuts…tons of nuts.”

“Whose nuts?” He chuckles.

“Not mine.” I giggle.

His gaze turns somber, the smooth lines on his face are replaced with worry lines, but they quickly disappear. He gives me that glorious smile of his only reserved for me.

“Piece of cake….” I softly say.

“Damn straight…piece of pie, My Beautiful Girl. For you, it’s a piece of pie,” He says.

As we get closer to the entrance, Jake’s hold on my hand gets tighter. I know the reason why. He’s being strong for the both of us. Well, I’m going to pull my big girly panties on, and giddy-up my butt to the finish line with Jake leading the way.

Two hours later, we’re getting settled in our new bungalow room that has all the amenities of an apartment. Jake frowns at the two twin beds separated by a night stand. He looks at Brian, and they both push the two beds together. Who would have thought my love has a knack on re-designing this place? Hmmm, Ty Pennington, move over!

One week of full body radiation plasters Jake, and I hate every minute of it. Since we aren’t staying in a regular room, Jake doesn’t have a nurse that comes in and gives him his meds when he needs them. I do it for him through the port in his chest. Where normal people have food in their refrigerator, we have anti-nausea meds in syringes in ours. Next week, he’ll be transferred to the BMT wing for his last round of chemo before his transplant. After that, we begin the slow process of building his body back up to normal. If his blood work steadily goes back to normal, no infection, no fever, we can go home for Thanksgiving.

My phone beeps, pulling me back to the here and now, the here and now I despise.

“Hey, Trish, how’s everything?” Tami calls like clockwork every day at the same time.

“Everything’s good. He’s sleeping. How’s everyone?”

“Good. Who’s going to give you, your shot? Do you want me to come there?”

“I can do it myself, but after Thanksgiving, I have my regular blood work appointments, so I need someone to stay with Jake.” I turn around to check if Jake’s still sleeping. He can’t find out what I’ve been busy doing.

“How are you feeling? Are you nervous about the next step? The stress of taking care of Jake must be doing a number on you. Talk to me, Trish.” Her sniffles catch me off guard. Why is she crying?

I step outside and sit on the bench by the door. “Hey, why are you crying? I’m feeling fine. What are you worried about.”

“It’s just…I…”

I blow out a frustrated breath. “Just spit it out, Tami.”

“Okay, It’s just I promised Jake I’ll take care of you. I feel as if I’m not doing it. I’m here, you’re there by yourself.” Her somber mood and sad voice put me in a very gloomy mood which I seem to be in constantly.

“Don’t worry Tami, I’m fine. Yes, I’m afraid, but I think I’ve learned to get over my fears, don’t you think? I want something good to come out of all this pain. I can handle it, T.”

With a heavy sigh she says, “Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow and kiss my favorite brother for me will, ya.”

Giggling, I respond, “Jake’s the only brother you have, T.”

She was quick to answer. “Then that makes him my favorite. Love ya, sis.”

I hang up the phone, shaking my head as I think about taking on something that probably is way over my head. Even with that in mind, I can feel it in my bones that this is what’s right. I’ve let fear control me for a long time. This time, I won’t let the what-if’s bother me that much. I’m doing this for Jake and me. Although he may not have agreed so easily to my plan, I’m sure he’ll side with me eventually. Am I scared…sure. Will I see this through…everyone better believe it.

I walk back in and see Jake stirring in the bed. As much as I want to run to help him, he tells me I should just treat him, as I would if were at home.

“Hey, babe.” Waving at him.

He gives me that one nod greeting and continues to walk to the bathroom. He closes the door, which he normally doesn’t do, and I’m instantly on high alert. I let a couple of minutes go by, waiting before I go in there like the cavalry.

After waiting for a couple of minutes and still no sign of Jake, I open the door and I’m almost knocked to my knees. He’s sitting down in the shower stall, fully clothed, his back against the wall, and both his arms limp at his sides. I walk toward him and kneel down on the tile floor; tears start to pool in my eyes, but I wipe them off and steel myself. I don’t care if I’m getting wet because the need to comfort and hold him, to reassure him everything is going to be okay is so great. The urgency is so strong; fear doesn’t have a space in my heart and brain.

“Jake, what are you doing?”

“I’m tired, Trish, so tired. Can I rest now?” His weak voice and defeated state hit me so hard I almost cave….but I won’t….I can’t…

“What are you talking about? Jake, talk to me.” The desire to give up is there, but I won’t….I can’t.

“Maybe, if I wash myself, the cancer will leave me. I’m tired…so fucking tired. My body can’t take anymore beatings, babe. My mouth is on fire, my whole body hurts, I feel as if my guts are going to explode. I’m fucking locked up in this room; it’s driving me insane. I feel so weak; I just wanna close my eyes. Can I go home?” He chokes up when he says home.

“What? We can’t go home. We have to stay here. You promised me, Jake. You said we’ll do this together. Why are you giving up, now? We’re so close, babe,
so close
. Please, do it for us, please?”

“If God wants me home, can I go? I want to rest….so, so, tired. I tried…s-sorry.” His eyes are closed, mouth slightly open, lips quivering, his breathing a little shallow, and for a fraction of a second, I think I’m going to lose him. Then, he whispers the three words that I thought I’d never ever hear again. “I.Love.You.”

“I can’t do this without you. I can’t. Please, I want forever with you, remember? Last night, we talked about kids running around, picking them up from school, chasing them, spoiling them, please; remember those things. You want those things with me, and I want them with you.”

He cannot give up, now. God, please, help me say the right words. Then, it clicks. I turn around and run to the room to get my IPad, my ass nearly saying hello to the floor. I hit play and set the volume on full blast. I walk back to him and kneel down beside him, just as
Rascal Flatt’s I Won’t Let Go
starts playing. Even though, there’s a high chance I’ll wake up the dead with my voice, I’ll sing and own this bitch. I’ll do whatever it takes to make Jake listen to me…to light a fire under his ass, because he can’t leave me…He.Just.Can’t.

I’m full blown crying now, while I sing to him. I want him to want to live for us and continue fighting…so I sing my heart out…American Idol here I come…

It hurts my heart to see you cry
I know it’s dark, this part of life
Oh, it finds us all
And we're too small to stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope

I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down.

As the song ends, I wipe the water running down his face. I will him to open his eyes. I want him to look at me…I want to see the fire in his eyes.

“Jake, open your eyes, please. Look.At.Me. Fight.With.Me. Please, I need you. I need you to fight for us; please…please….I can’t do this alone, not without you. Just give me a little bit more of the fight you have left, I will do the rest for us. I’ll carry the rest...Just a little bit more…please.” I tug him closer to me. “Come.On. Jake. Hold on tight, babe. I’ve got you. I’m much stronger now because of you. We’ll get through this, together. You hear me,” I utter every word with the conviction I thought I’d never…ever possess.

He licks his lips slowly…weakly. “I was there, Trish; I felt myself drifting away. Can’t put into words how much my heart hurt…it hurts so much.” He clasps my hand in his as he whispers, “Don’t.Let.Me.Go.” He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, the fire is back.

I whisper back, “No, I’m not letting go. Not ever.”