Unchosen (Chosen #2) (13 page)

TWENTY TWO

I woke up to Nick stroking my hair. I turned up to look into his blue eyes to find them red rimmed and watery.  “Are you okay?” I whispered.

He balked at me. “Lizzie. The question is are you okay?” he asked incredulously. I tried to blank out and go back to the numb but I was perplexed about how and why he was there with me.

“Why did you come here? How did you know?” I asked.

He bit his bottom lip and I could tell he was trying to decide if he wanted to tell me. He sighed and a tear fell down his cheek. “I went downtown to see your brother play last night. Lizzie, I didn’t know. When I got there, there was a sign that said the show was cancelled. Jessica and I stayed anyway. We went to the bar and I overheard some people talking about the accident. I couldn’t believe it. I threatened to kick the shit out of the bartender if he wouldn’t tell me what happened. I came straight here,” he said with a far off look in his eyes. “I left Jessica at the bar. I just left her there. I needed to get to you.”

Nick put his hands over his eyes and I could tell he had just remembered that Jessica was with him. I nodded and stood up. I crossed the room to the cordless phone and handed it to Nick.

“Here. Call her. She is probably worried. I will go use the bathroom,” I said dully. She was his after all. He wanted her, and at that moment, I didn’t care. Nothing could touch the ache, the emptiness, the desolation in my heart. Nick needed to stay true to his life, even though mine was falling apart. If I had been him and ditched my current girlfriend for another girl, I would feel bad. But he didn’t look like he felt bad and that both intrigued me and made me worry. But I didn’t need any of his drama right then. I repeated my plea to call her, nodding at the phone with a “do it” look. His confused eyes roamed my face, which probably had tear streaks, blotchy red marks, and crease lines from sleeping so much.

Nick shook his head and put the phone down on the bed next to him. “I don’t want to call her. I don’t care about that right now. I care about what you are going through and you need me. I care about what is going on here and Jessica? Well, she can wait,” he said with a sad look.

“No, Nick. You have to call and apologize for ditching her. I would,” I deadpanned my response as I headed out the door to the bathroom. I heard Nick pressing the buttons of the phone. I kept my head down and avoided looking at Conner’s door to see if it was open or not. When I knew I was right beside it and I could smell the scent of his cologne, I kept my eyes shut tight, willing myself not to cry as I walked by. The bathroom’s skylights were so bright I had to squint to adjust my eyes. I tried to make sense of the sun and reality of time.
What day was it? Was I still supposed to be in Ireland? Where was my brother?

When I got back to my room, I went directly to my closet. I still had old clothes and I smelled. I didn’t care if Nick was
watching me disrobe or not. I methodically got naked, went to find new underwear, and threw on a Celtics shirt and gray sweatpants. I pulled my hair up in a ponytail and sat down on the wood floor. Nick got up from the bed and came to sit in front of me. He pulled a piece of my hair behind my ear and I stared blankly back into his eyes.

“No one told me what happened,” I whispered. “I found out at six in the morning in Ireland. I don’t know what day that was. I haven’t said more than a few sentences since. I haven’t cried. Not until you came here. Do you know what happened?”

Nick slowly nodded his head. He looked stunned. “You don’t know anything at all?”

“No,” I deadpanned. I started to tear up and it sucked. I didn’t want to cry anymore but I was confused and it was the only emotion I could feel. I didn’t know anything about my brother’s last moments in the world and complete strangers did. Anger should have been what I was feeling, not sadness.
Dammit, I wanted to yell out and throw shit.

Nick let out a long exhale and looked back up into my eyes with sympathetic guilt. I had seen that look in his eyes before. It was the night he told me I was selfish for having feelings for him.

“Your brother was at a party. I don’t know where, but it was some girl’s house. He and his girlfriend got into…” I cut him off.

“Girlfriend?
Conner doesn’t have a girlfriend,” I said, starting to see hope in the situation. They must have had the wrong person entirely. Conner wasn’t dead. They got it all wrong because Conner doesn’t have a girlfriend. Did they do dental records and DNA? Maybe the guy in the car somehow just looked like Conner.

“Yes, he does, Lizzie. Her name is Sam,” he said thoughtfully. I deflated back into myself and looked up with my brows pulled together. None of this was making any sense. I mentally didn’t understand what Nick was telling me. How could he possibly know more about my own brother than I did? I had so many questions but I physically was sick to know the answers.

“Sam?” I asked, confused.

“Conner and Sam got into a fight. He was drinking a lot and she wanted to go home. She wouldn’t let him drive so she drove. No one knows what happened but the car went over the Route 9 median and they were struck by head on traffic. Conner died instantly. His bassist was in the backseat but he didn’t suffer any trauma. He was drunk too and doesn’t remember how they crashed. Sam took off after she was released from the hospital,” he explained rapidly then blew out a breath. I am not sure he wanted to be the one to tell me. It was heartbreaking just to watch him try.

“Sam?” I asked, still shocked. “He never talked about a Sam.” I tried to think back to all the girls Conner had mentioned in the past month and he never told me anything about a girl he was seeing.

His last steady relationship had been with a girl named Darcy but that was during the summer Teagan and I
were together. He had been too focused on the band and making it big. He had been traveling so much. Why wouldn’t he tell me about a girlfriend? It didn’t make any sense. He was always so up in my business and yet, I never asked him about his love life. I was the worst sister. He didn’t even tell me. He didn’t want to tell me. Why? Why would she drive into oncoming traffic? Why did they fight? Why didn’t he tell me about her?

Nick’s solid arms came around me again and I melted into him. My tears flew down my face as I felt his tears fall down on my forehead. His tears made me cry harder. I held onto him like he was my lifeline and if he pulled away, I would float away into an abyss. I felt so empty inside and then sudden pain would kick me in the stomach and the sobbing began again. It was a vicious cycle that felt infinite. I would never recover from it. I would never find the peace I had the night before I found out Conner passed away. It was gone and the only thing that even came close to that peace was having Nick embrace me. I loved him so much in that moment.
A long time passed before I pulled away from Nick. “I don’t know where Niall is,” I said, wiping my face off with my shirt.

“He went to stay with your aunt in Newton. She is going to take care of him for a few days. That is what your dad told me when I showed up last night. I was worried about him too, but he is okay,” Nick replied. “I felt bad because I had so many questions and I fired them off at your dad. I probably should apologize but honestly, he seemed to know what I was going to ask before I did. It was really weird.”

“How are they?” I asked shakily. “My parents.”

“Well, I saw your dad for a few minutes and then he pointed me upstairs. I never saw your mother,” he replied, looking pensive.

“She fell apart, Nick. All I can hear in my head is her screaming and crying. It wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop. I don’t remember very much about getting home. I mean, I have never just lost time like that. It was all very surreal,” I said softly.

Nick took my face into his hands and smiled at me. “You don’t have to explain anymore to me, Lizzie. Your father said you were in shock. I am so relieved I am here with you now.” Then, slowly and carefully, he placed his soft lips on mine. Neither of us moved. We soaked in each other’s lips and tears started to pour out of my eyes again. The wetness of the salty tears fell on our mouths and I kissed him harder. I moaned in sorrow and when I felt like I couldn’t breathe from crying and kissing him anymore, I jumped on him and hugged him so hard he probably couldn’t breathe.

Being in Nick’s arms again felt like coming home for the first time since Ireland. We stayed glued to one another and he rubbed his hands up and down my back, whispering how sorry he was. I nodded and felt the reality that Nick had come to save me from the numbness. He would stay with me as long as I needed him and that revelation was so comforting. His graceful fingers rubbed my back, his sweet voice told me everything would be okay and his beautiful tearful eyes struck a chord in the depth of my soul.
He is yours, Lizzie. He is yours. Tell him. I will. I will tell him when we both aren’t crying.

An hour later, Nick persuaded me to go downstairs to eat something. He threw on the shirt I had cried all over and took my hand with both of his. As he started to open my door, I
stopped. “I can’t pass his room,” I whispered to Nick. He nodded and looked across the hall.

“All the doors are closed,” he said, rubbing my back. He hugged me to his side so he was on the side facing the doors. I stayed tucked into him until we got to the bottom of the stairs and then let out a huge sigh of relief.

When we reached the kitchen, Dad was sitting at the kitchen table with a full cup of coffee that had coffee rings letting me know he hadn’t even taken a sip. When I went to sit down next to him, he didn’t look at me. He didn’t move. He watched the window to the backyard and never moved a muscle.

“Hi, Dad,” I said, taking his hand.

Never looking at me, he replied, “The funeral is the day after tomorrow. Your mother won’t pick out his suit.”

I looked over to Nick and paled. He stood there equally uncomfortable and then a resolved face came over him. “Mr. O’Malley, I would be happy to get one of his suits if you would like to just tell me what colors or if you want a tie,” Nick said.

“He needs to be buried in his band shirt with the dark gray wool suit. He should wear his converse sneakers,” I said as a matter of fact.

Nick nodded and left the kitchen to find the clothes. I got a cup of coffee and took in all the food spread around the kitchen. Some of it needed to be refrigerated. I opened the refrigerator door and found it stuffed to capacity. I looked back at the food on the counters and sighed. So what if it went
bad. Nothing good was coming from this anyway. I sat down next to my dad and looked out the window.

“Dad?
Did you know Conner had a girlfriend?” I asked quietly.

He nodded. Words failed me. Conner didn’t want me to know about Sam. Why? Why hadn’t I asked if he was seeing someone? Why didn’t he tell me?

“I didn’t know,” I said, tears falling down my face. Nick came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. When he started massaging me, I looked up to him and gave him a weak smile.

“What day is it today?” I asked.

“Monday,” Nick replied.

“Why aren’t you at work? Wait, I am supposed to be at work. Oh my God, how long was I in my room? How long has Niall been gone?” I was so panicked I couldn’t think straight.

“Calm down, sweetheart. Everything is fine. Niall is fine. Your work knows. I was supposed to be in Texas tomorrow so I called and said I was taking an extra day,” Nick said.

“Oh good, you can still go be with your mom,” I said. Nick shook his head adamantly.

“No,” he stated. When I looked up to him in question, he was tearing up. My heart sank. “My parents know about you. They know I need to be here.” He pointed at me, like I was his “here.”

TWENTY THREE

The funeral was at eleven am on Wednesday morning and the cemetery was packed. The closed coffin was necessary. The doctors were continually giving my mother sedatives. She hardly left her room. Her sisters would go in and lay with her but I had yet to comfort her. I couldn’t. I couldn’t get her screams out of my head and I wanted to stay far away from her pain. If one more person told me they were sorry for my loss, I was going to scream. It was my mother’s loss. She was in so much pain. I still felt nothing. Every hour, I expected Conner to pop up and ask me what the hell was going on.

With Niall on my lap and my parents to my left, we watched the funeral staff lower Uncle Conner into the ground. His band members came forward and hugged us. Then they threw guitar picks in the ground with the coffin. I laughed on the inside. Conner would think that was so hysterical. What would a dead person do with a guitar pick? Their sentiment was nice, though. They meant well and I wondered if they would continue to play without him. Probably not. None of those guys were O’Malley’s. It was too bad because they were really good on stage. Would I ever hear Butterfly Girl again? My rapid thoughts did not match the sluggish movement of the funeral.

I looked across the lawn to see Nick standing there with a woman. That must be Jessica.
Auburn long hair, slim, beautiful. Of course, they looked perfect for each other, both outfitted in expensive black clothing. I looked down at my Target maternity dress and wondered how I had come to choose it. Nick looked amazing and I looked like shit at the funeral of
my
brother. Good for Nick, I thought with distain. His future was golden. I noticed that he was staring only at me, but the black hat I wore covered my eyes so he couldn’t see me watching him back. Niall was getting fussy and as the Priest began the final scripture, I stood up and carried Niall away from the service. It was rude but I didn’t care. My brother was dead. My leaving the chair wasn’t going to change that. My son needed me to walk him around. So, I did. We went and looked at the gravestones around the cemetery and I giggled with Niall like we were at the zoo.

“Lizzie?” Nick said from behind me.

“Hmm?” I answered, turning around and giving him a big smile.

“Are you doing alright?” he asked.

I gave him a sad smile. “I am. Thank you so much for asking. It has been difficult for the whole family.” My standard answer made him flinch but I carried on. “I feel bad for my mom. She isn’t taking this too well but we are going to be alright,” I said, looking at Niall. “In fact, I think the little guy and I are going to head back to my apartment after the service. I am not really in the mood to be around more people.”

Nick put his hand on the back of his neck and gave me a quizzical look. “I think you should probably be there, Lizzie. Your parents need you. At least go for a little while.”

“Yeah, I guess.” I shrugged and smiled at Niall. “You want to go to a party, little man?”

Jessica came up to Nick’s side and looked like she didn’t know what to say to me. I put out my hand. “Hi, I’m Lizzie, a friend of Nick’s. You must be Jessica. He has said so much about you,” I said, not even giving a flying fuck at the looks Nick was darting at me.

“I am so sorry for your loss,” she replied.

I laughed. I laughed so loud people turned to look at me. “Yes, thank you. Conner was a great brother. The best,” I said. A few awkward moments passed. “Well, we have to get to my parents’. Thanks again for coming. I hope you guys have a nice rest of the day.”

“Well, we were going to head to the house. I think we should go to support you and your parents,” Nick said, looking taken aback. “We
want
to go.”

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s okay. It’s probably best you find something more fun to do. Conner wouldn’t want a bunch of people sitting around talking about him. You should go play some music. Do something he would have done. I know I would if I could. We appreciate everything you have done, Nick.
Really. You have been a great friend to me and my parents. But don’t come. Like I said, I won’t be there very long anyway.” I shrugged and looked off to the other people leaving.

I think that had been the best bunch of bull shit that I ever
spewed out of my mouth.
Fuckers.
Deep down inside, I was livid. Nick brought his fucking girlfriend to
my
brother’s funeral and she had the nerve to tell me she was sorry. No, I was the sorry one. Fuck him and his fucking Jessica. Didn’t the past few days mean anything to him? We were glued together and now he was here with her? I didn’t want him there. He had spent every minute with me, holding me and helping us and then he brought another woman.
Fuck Nick Sawyer to the moon and back.

I gave a little wave and went back to stand next to the limo. I saw Mac from work and quickly walked up to him. He embraced me and we stood there for a long while. I let a few tears fall. It was such an honor having coworkers attend the funeral.

“Elizabeth, we have contacted all your clients and they are aware you are going to take a couple more weeks off. Your family needs you so please don’t worry about anything with your accounts. When you get back to work, your office will be moved. I am having the guys do that for you so you won’t have to stress over it. If there is anything you need from us at work, we are a phone call away,” he said.

“Wow, thanks, Mac. Let me think about the time off, okay? My mother normally takes care of my little guy but she isn’t doing very well so I will probably find a daycare,” I replied. I hadn’t really given any thought to work or daycares but I needed to appear strong. I managed millions of dollars and I just got a new office. “
Don’t fuck this up
,” I heard Conner say in my head. I cringed at his voice and blinked a few times. I hadn’t heard his voice like that before. I must be going mental.

“Okay well, give me a call by Friday and let me know your plans. I am so sorry. I know how much you love Conner,” Mac said.

I nodded. “Yes, I do,” I said with a smile.

People started to thin out and I saw my parents speaking with Nick. My father looked over to me and I saw a look of concern cross his face. I quickly averted my eyes and nodded to people that passed me by. Mom and Dad eventually came up to us and we got into the limousine. Mom looked exhausted and I inwardly cursed that everyone was going back to the house. My mother needed to rest, that much was clear. Dad cleared his throat.

“Lizzie, Nick tells us you are going to head back to your apartment today. Are you sure you don’t want to stay with us a little while longer?”

“No, I think it’s time I went to my place. I still need to unpack and get Niall back into his schedule,” I replied as we exited the cemetery.

“Aunt Jean wants to keep Niall for a few more days, honey. Your mother and I think it would be best. We know you are having a hard time, too,” Dad said.

I waited for my anger to tone down. Why is everyone telling me what to do? I was fine and I just wanted my own bed. “Dad, I am fine,” I said through gritted teeth.

“It’s for Niall, Lizzie,” Mom said. My head shot up and I stared at her, dumbfounded. She hadn’t said anything to me at all since Ireland. I swallowed a few times, wondering if I could keep my tears at bay. I nodded my head to her in a trance. She gave me a small smile and went back to looking out the window.

Two hours later, I was driving myself home to my apartment.
By myself. All on my own. I had no one to answer to. I had no one to take care of. I had no one. It was great. I didn’t want anyone. I wanted to be alone.  I lugged my suitcases up the stairs to my apartment and opened the door. The smell hit me immediately. Beer cans. Cigarette butts. Dishes everywhere. The floor was sticky. Clothes were strewn all over the living room. Niall’s baby bouncy was broken. The party. The party had been here? Oh my God. My brother was having a party here. With Sam. He left my apartment with Sam? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Was that why I couldn’t bring Niall here? What else didn’t I know? Nick was keeping fucking secrets from me and then flaunting his bitch girlfriend at my brother’s funeral. Motherfucker.

I sat down on the couch and looked around in shock. This was the last place my brother was before he died. I saw an unopened beer can on my living room table. I opened it and drank the whole can. I got up, grabbed a trash bag from underneath the kitchen sink and started to clean. I found unopened bottles of alcohol and beer and put them in my refrigerator. I found a half pack of cigarettes. I cleaned the living room first as I continued to drink and smoke. I felt good. I turned on music and started to dance around. I was continuing the party Conner had started and it was exhilarating. I wanted the party to come back. I wanted friends and laughter and drinking.

I grabbed my phone and called Freddie.

“Lizzie?” he answered.

“Hey, Freddie,” I replied with a smile.

“What’s going on? I haven’t heard from you in weeks. Is everything okay?”

“I am having a little party. Well, it’s just me. Do you want to come over?” I giggled. I sounded pathetic even to myself.

“Sure, I get out of work in thirty minutes. Give me your address,” he said. He sounded excited and I was never so ecstatic to give out my address to anyone in my life. I needed Freddie. He was so fun and carefree and he did care about me. He would be a great distraction. He and I would party, laugh and then we would have sex like animals. I was on board. I was totally on board with this new plan. Conner be damned, I was ready to drink the night away.

Freddie arrived about three shots and two beers later. I threw a shot glass full of whiskey in his hand and then I was on top of him. “God, I missed you,” I said.

Freddie kissed me back hard and I heard his moans and growls. He smelled so good. I wanted to eat him.  “Lizzie, what happened to your apartment?” he asked, breaking the kiss to look around at the mess.

“Aw, it’s nothing. My brother had a party and forgot to clean up,” I said, waving my hand around the place.

“Do you want some help cleaning?” he asked.

“No. I want you right now. This mess can wait until later,” I said and pulled him into my bedroom.

Freddie grabbed me by my hips and began kissing the nape of my neck, murmuring how much he had missed me. His touch was amazing, beautiful, and it blocked all of the loss from my life. His lips on mine promised a night of making sweet love and I moaned at his touch on my breasts. There
wasn’t any other place I wanted to be but with the Irish boy who had given me pleasure without any expectation.

“Lizzie,” he breathlessly said. “Lizzie, there is a knock at the door.”

“No, Freddie. Just leave it. I don’t care. I just want you. Please. Please ignore it,” I gasped.

“Lizzie, they won’t go away. It’s been going on for a long time,” he said breathlessly.

“Shit,” I spitted out. “Just go tell the motherfucker to leave us alone.”

Freddie crawled out from the bed. His beautiful back was glistened in sweat and I marveled at how gorgeous he was in only his boxers. His kisses, his attention, he was what I needed. I heard the kitchen door open and then minutes later, the door slammed and I heard Freddie say something I couldn’t hear. I pulled out a cigarette and was about to light it when a large shadow stood in my doorway and I turned over. “Freddie, come back to bed.”

“It’s not Freddie,” said an angry male voice. I grabbed the sheet to cover up my chest and sat up.

“Who the
fuck are you?” I asked. But I knew. It was Nick. Again. Coming to check up on me. Coming to make sure I wouldn’t fall apart. He came to my apartment because he had nowhere else to be but in my fucking business.

“You don’t know who I am?” he growled.

“Nick. You are Nick. Where is Freddie?” I asked sternly. Nick came and stood next to the bed. His fists were clenched at his sides and I could see the anger in his face.

“What the hell are you doing, Lizzie?” he asked in pain.

“What does it look like I am doing, Nick. I am having a party. Freddie and I were having a party and you seem to be the buzz kill that is going to break it up,” I snapped back. He shook his head and sighed.

“Lizzie, your brother just died. Your apartment is a mess. You are a mess,” he softly said.

“Oh yeah? And whose fault is that, Nick? No one fucking told me the party Conner left was at my fucking house. No one fucking told me I would be left here to clean up after my dead brother’s party. No one told me you would bring your fucking bitch girlfriend to the funeral today, so you will have to excuse me if I chose to have Freddie come over and give me a frigging distraction. I don’t fucking care what any of you think. Just fucking leave me alone and never ever contact me again,” I yelled.

“Liz,” Freddie said from behind Nick. I looked up to see Freddie’s sad eyes on me.

“Great. Now you know, Freddie. Well, let me give it to you straight, huh? This is my fucking life. Conner died. Oh, and I have a baby. It’s Teagan’s. Here is the kicker. Really, you have to hear this one.  I just got back from Ireland where I chose to let Teagan go forever so I could be with this motherfucker,” I screamed, pointing at Nick. “I love him. I love him so much it fucking hurts. And I can’t stop it. I can’t stop any of this. I can’t stop my brother dying or Niall being without his father and I can’t stop wanting a man who is supposed to just be a friend. I will never stop. I won’t.” I moaned as I shook all over. It felt so good to finally let the reality of my pain out.