Read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions (10 page)
T
his was one of the first handheld electric shaving razors, but the technology is a bit different than what we have today. In 1917 a battery-operated razor filled with hundreds of tiny but safely rotating blades would have made it prohibitively expensive, if not impossible to create, so Frank White did the best he could with the tools available at the time.
Have you ever heard of the product Lectric Shave? Its a beauty product for men, an astringent that, when rubbed on the face, makes small facial hairs stand up so as to be cut more easily and cleanly with an electric shaver. White’s razor did the same kind of thing, except that instead of using a chemical, he rigged an ordinary face razor to a small battery. The battery sent a mild electric current to the shaver’s face, which raised up the hairs so they could be lopped off neatly.
P
roving that there are statistics available for everything these days, statistics show that businessmen rise through the ranks in a far more expedient fashion once they’ve managed to break the habit of sucking their thumbs.
Those with a vested interest in climbing the corporate ladder, even those who aren’t in business but who are adults who still somehow suck their thumbs, may therefore wish to consider a thumb-sucking inhibitor which was patented in 1987. Given that it’s formally described in its patent as an “Apparatus for Inhibiting Digit Sucking,” the device also works on toes, if that’s something you do.
Please note, however, that the device may prove somewhat unwieldy for those whose jobs require them to man a keyboard all day. As the patent explains, “A bracelet fits around the wrist, a primary ring attaches to the bracelet, (which) is supported by two or more tabs extending outwardly from the ring to the bracelet, and cross-tabs extend between the outward tabs to prevent unwanted withdrawal of the thumb from the ring.” But it’s all still probably easier than trying to type with a thumb in your mouth.
I
t’s a problem as old as time itself—you want to pee standing up, but lacking the convenient, outer plumbing of a man, all you have between your legs is cumbersome, retreating lady business, necessitating a sit-down. The solution: GoGirl, a silicone funnel that a woman can hold against her crotch so that she can pee like a man.
The GoGirl website refers to the product as a “Female Urination Device” that “fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment.” The company recommends it for all kinds of modern women on the go (as it were), be they cross-country road-trippers, back-country skiers, or just germ-phobic mothers who don’t want their daughters to sit down on public toilets. After all, nothing is more hygienic that peeing into a silicone tube and sticking it back into your purse, pocket, or glovebox.
GoGirl is available in purple for girly-girls or khaki for more outdoorsy types.
P
atented in 1929, the Automatic Concealed Firearm for Self-Defense was a gun that secured to the inside of the wrist with leather straps. It was concealed from view beneath the sleeve of a shirt or coat. A pull chain extended from the trigger to a ring worn on the ring finger, enabling the wearer to fire the gun with a backward snap of the wrist.
“Such a hidden firearm will be especially valuable in case of a holdup where the intended victim, when commanded to hold up his hands, or even before such a command, may shoot at the criminal without any further preparation, automatically when lifting his arms,” inventor Elek B. Juhasz wrote in his patent application.
And if the robber has an accomplice? Juhasz designed a second version with two guns strapped to the arm, activated by a single chain. One pull on the chain fired the first gun; a second pull fired number two. Just don’t ever catch the chain on anything.
S
cientists don’t spend all their time doing stupid stuff like curing diseases and finding sources of clean, renewable energy; they’ve also figured out a way to create a superior house cat.
After their dismissive attitude, hungry wails at 5 a.m., and inclination to tear and scratch everything you own, the worst thing about cats is that lots of people are allergic to them. Well, technically, they’re allergic to cat dander, tiny bits found all over the cat and where it lives, but you can’t have one without the other. If you want a cat and are allergic to cats, you either take expensive medication or just deal with the constant sniffles and watery eyes.
Or you spend your life savings on a bioengineered, hypoallergenic cat of the future. Delaware firm Lifestyle Pets offers consumers the chance to buy the “Allerca,” a cat whose genes have been tampered with so as not to produce the protein that triggers cat allergies in humans. Cost: between $6,000 and $29,000.
F
irst, get out there to the lake and catch yourself some fish. Second, don’t forget your
Electro-fishing Pole
—an electrified stainless-steel loop with an insulated fiberglass handle. The user wears a battery-backpack, which is connected to the loop and has another wire in the water, completing the circuit. When a fish swims within the electric field created by the electrodes, ZAP! The fish succumbs to a minor seizire, leading it to quickly lose consciousness and become immoble, allowing it to be easily plucked from the water. We recommend using rubber gloves, both because it’s a nearly dead fish and because of all that electricity mixing with water.
Next, clean and cook your fish in the normal, time-honored, non-electric ways. Finally, when you’re ready to serve, bring out your
Electrified Tablecloth
. It’s got a pair of built-in electrical strips powered by a 9-volt DC battery. Why does this exist? To repel insects and other picnic pests. An insect trying to cross the strips will get an electrical shock strong enough to discourage further travel across the table, in that the shock almost kills it, making the world safe for shocked-fish fricassee. Good news: The strips are not powerful enough to shock a person who accidentally touches them.
G
olf-Swing Glasses.
Mimicking the blinders worn by racehorses to keep them from being distracted by other horses, these glasses literally force the golfer to keep his eyes on the ball by staring through two “eye tunnels,” because that’s the only place they can look. If the golfer’s head moves too far to one side, the ball disappears from view behind the thick, opaque ridges that surround the eyeholes.
Golfer’s Crotch Hook.
This device keeps a golfer’s head down during a swing, where it should be…the hard way. The golfer wears a tight-fitting headband attached by an elastic cord to a massive, seven-inch fishhook fitted into the crotch of the golfer’s pants. If the wearer lifts his head up too high during the swing, he is instantly—and uncomfortably—notified.
Putt Teacher.
It’s a putter attached to a belt on rollers (it looks sort of like a combination golf club and belt sander). If the swing is crooked, the belt will twist into a mess, telling the golfer what they probably already know, because they bought something called the Putt Teacher: that they’re putting needs work.
Talking Golf Ball.
A golf ball you can find in the rough! Inside the ball is 1/50 of a gram of radium; the golfer uses a handheld Geiger counter to locate the ball and retrieve it. But because this is plutonium we’re dealing with, the manufacturer couldn’t use enough to make the ball detectable from more than five feet away.
PILLS THAT MAKE YOUR POOP GOLD
T
here’s a tradition among the super-rich of treating money with contempt. When a plutocrat lights his cigar with a $100 bill, he’s brazenly demonstrating that he has, in the most literal way possible, money to burn.
Gold Pills take conspicuous consumption to a new level. These pills—standard gelatin pharmaceutical capsules, coated and filled with 24-karat gold—will allow high rollers to literally flush money down the toilet. When swallowed, Gold Pills, according to the makers, “turn your innermost parts into chambers of wealth.” And as the indigestible gold leaf exits your system, it also gives you glittery poop. Fabulously expensive glittery poop, in fact—Gold Pills retail for $425 per dose.
Devised by artist Tobias Wong, Gold Pills were originally created for a 2005 gallery show called “Indulgences.” The exhibit showcased items intended to satirize “our obsession with fame, celebrity, and commodities.” Ironically, there was enough demand that Gold Pills were made available for purchase. Most are bought by art collectors, certainly. But there’s bound to be some wealthy nitwit with more money than sense who’s actually swallowed the things to show off his gold-encrusted leavings.
D
epending on what sort of chemicals you’ve got in your system, drum solos are either the most boring part of rock concerts or the most awesome. Fleetwood Mac drummer Mick Fleetwood occasionally livens up his extremely long drum showcases with what he calls a “magical drum suit.”
Fleetwood debuted the suit (really just a vest) during the band’s 1987 “Tango in the Night” tour. Fleetwood would step out from behind his drum kit and make his way to the front of the stage. While another drummer performed in the background, he would hit various electrical pads sewn into the vest. Some played drumbeats while others emitted howls, car horns, or other sound effects. After several minutes of dancing around while slapping himself, Fleetwood would return to his kit and wrap up the solo with his conventional drums.
Fan reactions to the suit were mixed, but it helped distract from the fact that Fleetwood Mac’s longtime front man and guitarist Lindsey Buckingham wasn’t present for the tour.