Read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions (19 page)
P
et Rock:
The item that became synonymous with the whimsical and gullible 1970s has returned! Only now, it’s high-tech. In the spirit of the original, it does nothing; plugging it into your computer’s USB port doesn’t even draw any power away.
Squirming Tentacle:
People will think an octopus or the fictional alien monster Cthulhu has taken control of your laptop when they see a moving tentacle coming out of a USB port. Unlike the Pet Rock, at least it moves.
Power Hour Album Shot Glass:
This 1GB external storage drive contains 60 one-minute drinking songs. It fits perfectly into an included shot glass, used to play a game where the user takes a shot after every song.
Hot Cookie Cup Warmer:
Working hard will never again mean that your long-ignored cup of coffee will go cold. This miniature hot plate, which resembles an oversize Oreo cookie, plugs into your computer and keeps a mug warm while you’re focusing on a problem, attending a meeting, or trying to advance to the next level of
World of Warcraft
.
Fishquarium:
Containing enough room for a couple of goldfish, the Fishquarium plugs into your computer, which powers a low-voltage pump and filtration system while the sounds of nature soothe away stress. It also has a pencil holder.
J
umping rope has long been established as a superb cardiovascular exercise that helps get your whole body working hard, and it looks cool in training montages in boxing movies, but there are still some individuals whose crippling fear of rope and rope-related products prevents them from ever enjoying this leisure activity.
Or at least that’s our presumption, anyway, as it seems like a slightly better excuse for the existence of the Cordless Jump Rope than someone just buying a piece of rope. According to the patent granted to Lester J. Clancy of Mansfield, Ohio, his invention features two handles, but instead of being attached to rope, “a donut-shaped enclosure is provided and mounted to the handle,” inside of which is a weighted ball that, when rotated, will “generate rotational torque to simulate the use of a jump rope.” While the Cordless Jump Rope does admittedly remove any possible chance of the user somehow accidentally getting rope burn, the value of which cannot be underestimated, it’s hard not to consider the fact that it might prove more financially sound to bypass buying the product altogether and just, you know, jump.
S
cientists at NEC System Technologies in Japan have invented a robot that can taste and identify dozens of wines, and even some foods. The green-and-white tabletop robot has a swiveling head, eyes, and a mouth that speaks in a child’s voice. To identify a wine, the unopened bottle is placed in front of the robot’s arm. An infrared beam scans the wine—through the bottle—and determines its chemical composition. The robot then names the wine, describes its taste, and recommends foods to pair it with.
Scientists are still working out the kinks: At a 2006 press conference, a reporter and a cameraman put their hands in front of the robot’s infrared beam. According to the robot, the reporter tasted like bacon, and the cameraman tasted like ham.
T
here are a lot of reasons for not wanting to drive alone, or rather, for not wanting it to
look
like you’re driving alone. Perhaps you have to drive home late, or through a sketchy neighborhood. Maybe you like to talk to yourself, or sing along to the radio, or argue with the pundits on talk radio, and you don’t want to feel weird about it when you pass by other motorists. Whatever your reason, this 1991 patent filed by Rayma Rich of Las Vegas is the answer to your bizarrely specific needs: the Collapsible Riding Companion.
The CRC is essentially a mannequin head and torso outfitted with a full head of hair, a T-shirt, and a jacket (in case you like to run the A/C really high). Simply place it in the front seat next to you while you drive, and you’ve got a quiet but agreeable road-trip buddy.
In the event that you have a real person riding in the car with you, the Collapsible Riding Companion folds down and can be stored in its very own rectangular, suitcase-like carrying case.
E
laborate ladies’ hats have mostly fallen out of daily use, but in the early part of the 20th century, it was the height of fashion for a woman to wear a large, fancy hat. But if everybody was wearing one, how could a lady differentiate herself and draw attention to herself and her chapeau? With bubbles, that’s how.
In 1912 Alden McMurtry invented the Bubble Hat. On first glance, it resembled any other piece of fine headwear outfitted with a large brim and false flowers. But hidden inside was a small chamber filled with soapy water. A tube ran from the chamber to a tiny tank filled with pressurized hydrogen that the woman would hold in her pocket or pocketbook. When the lady released a valve on the tank, it triggered the hydrogen to run into the soapy water, thus unleashing a torrent of delightful bubbles.
McMurtry thought the bubble-spewing device would be a great visual aid for choirs.
H
ere’s a radical solution to the problem of cramped apartment living: making use of the “dead” vertical space of a room. It’s not a new idea (Murphy beds, room-splitting screens, e.g.), but the TurnOn Multi-Functional Spinning Wall takes it to extremes.
“Wall” is something of a misnomer. It’s actually more of a wheel—an open-ended plastic cylinder with built-in furnishings extruded from its inner surface. The entire cylinder rotates to allow access to any of three functional areas of the module. After dining in the two-seat breakfast nook, residents can use their body weight to flip the unit over like a hamster wheel, rotating the dining table away to make room for a molded-plastic lounging couch. At day’s end, another turn brings a flat sleeping platform into play.
A couple of these units, placed end-to-end, can theoretically create a usable living area within a tiny footprint. There are proposals for a food-prep module—with refrigerator, sink, and working stove—and a “Wet Cell,” with toilet, shower, and vanity set at 120-degree radial angles; no mention of how the electrical and plumbing connections would work. Or of who, besides astronauts, submarine crews, or characters in a play, could stand to live like this.
B
ella makes dozens of low-priced kitchen appliances, including coffee pots and slow cookers. But it’s more notable for its single-purpose novelty bakeware that allows the user to make exactly one thing per device. Here are some Bella things you can’t possibly live without (and probably got as a holiday gift last year):
• Circus Waffle Maker: turns out mini waffles shaped like elephants, giraffes, and monkeys
• Mini Donut Maker
• Mini Cupcake Maker
• Cake Pop & Donut Hole Maker (which are almost the same thing)
• Brownie Maker
• Ice Cream Sandwich Maker (cookie parts only)
• Cakesicle Maker (slightly larger cake pops)
• Pretzel Maker
• S’mores Maker
• Waffle Stick Maker (half of a waffle)
• Small Pot Pie Maker
• Pastry Tart Maker
• Strawberry Shortcake Maker
C
omputers break down. A lot. Especially if you’ve got an old one that doesn’t work so good anymore and you have to shut programs down when that beach ball keeps spinning or that hourglass never disappears. So what do you do? You hit those three “shutdown instantly” buttons, all at the same time: control + alt + delete.
Pressing buttons? Three of them? All at the same time? That’s, like, more work than an office worker is accustomed to or prepared for, and you have to use, like, two hands. If only there were some kind of tool to simplify this incredibly easy task! There’s got to be a better way! There is: the Control+Alt+Delete Handle.
It’s a T-shaped metal bar. One part is the handle, and the rest is a long metal bar with little pieces of rubber spaced out just right, so when you press down on the keyboard with one simple motion, all three buttons get pressed at the same time.
It literally takes less effort to press all three buttons at once than it does to reach even six inches to grab your Control+Alt+Delete Handle. This invention was something of a joke, concocted by a frustrated home-computer user. It spread around the Internet and was never mass-marketed, but still—somebody actually invented it.
R
oadside emergencies are a drag, but jacking up the car to change a tire in a dirty ditch with cars whizzing by while hand-cranking a traditional scissors jack is the worst. Wouldn’t it be great if there were something easier—something that could expand to full height without physical labor? Like a giant balloon! After all, there’s a ready source of hot gas available nearby—the car’s own exhaust!
And before you can say, “That’s a terribly unsafe idea,” the Bushranger X-Jack is on the market, and cars are wobbling unsteadily atop heavy-duty polymer bladders swollen with noxious fumes, engines still running, with hoses snugged over their tailpipes.
All right, so the whole point of an exhaust system is to allow fumes and heat to vent away from the car, and trapping them could cause overheating. And okay, leaving the car running while attempting repairs is incredibly foolhardy, increasing the risk of carbon monoxide inhalation, burns, the car falling down and crushing you, and a host of other injuries. And yes, at the end of the repair the driver must vent all the toxic smoke from this big bag of hot poison before it can be stowed away again.