Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents (19 page)

J-Lo-no-no.
During a November 2002 episode of his nightly Fox News show, Shepard Smith introduced a segment on singer Jennifer Lopez’s new song, “Jenny from the Block,” which he said was about how Lopez claimed to be just a humble girl from the Bronx. “But folks from that street,” Smith continued, “sound more likely to give her a curb job than a blow ***.” He then quickly blurted, “Block party!” and tried to continue the newscast, then after just a few seconds gave up. “I’m sorry about that,” Smith said, looking pale. “I have no idea how that happened.” Smith later said he “felt the blood go to my toes” when the words left his
mouth. He also said, “I had to call my mother and apologize.”

Holly terror.
In June 2011, Roanoke, Virginia, news anchor Holly Pietrzak looked into the camera and told her viewers, live, on the air, “More teens are having f—.” A look of horror then took hold of Pietrzak’s face, after which she stammered, “ha-ha-having
luck
.” She had meant to say, “More teens are having luck finding summer jobs.” Pietrzak apologized at the end of the program, and WDBJ station manager Jeff Marks told reporters that Pietrzak would not be fired, saying what had happened was an honest mistake, adding, “Life goes on.”

Hultural differences.
On December 6, 2010, a newsreader on BBC Radio 4 meant to introduce an upcoming guest, “Jeremy Hunt, the Culture Secretary” of the U.K. But he transposed the “c” in “culture” with the “h” in Hunt. What followed was roughly thirty seconds of the host trying to continue with the story, in between nervous coughs, several long pauses, suppressed giggles, and more pretend coughs—he even said at one point, “Sorry, coughing fit”—before more suppressed giggles could be heard, until he finally got it together and continued on with his show. (Including the interview with Jeremy Hunt.) The host apologized later in the episode, saying, “I’m very sorry to anyone who thought it wasn’t what they wanted to hear over their breakfast. Neither did I, needless to say.” The host’s name: James Naughtie.

Later that day, Andrew Marr, host of Radio 4’s
Start the Week
program, had a panel of guests on to discuss Naughtie’s naughty slip of the tongue, along with “Freudian slips” in general, and promised listeners he wouldn’t be making one himself. He, too, then transposed the “c” in “culture” and the “h” in “Hunt.”

Bomer boner.
In October 2009 actor Matt Bomer of the USA Network drama
White Collar
was on
The Today Show
. Host Jenna Wolfe introduced him as “Matt Boner.”

Hoosier what now?
In December 2011, meteorologist Ashton Altieri of 9News in Denver, Colorado, said to anchor Aaron Matas, “Congratulations on your big hooters.” (He meant to say, “Congratulations on your big Hoosiers win,” referring to Matas’s home-state Indiana Hoosiers basketball team.)

Just plain nuts.
In February 2009, CNN’s Zain Verjee told viewers that Northwest Airlines “began serving penis this month.” Further on in the story she informed them that “Georgia is the top penis producing state in the country.” She had meant to say—twice—“peanuts.”

I
n a May 2006 financial news segment of
BBC News
, presenter Karen Bowerman introduced a piece about online music. The camera cut away from Bowerman to a man sitting on a stool as Bowerman said, “Well, Guy Kewney is editor of the technology website NewsWireless.” As Bowerman said those words, the man on camera went wide-eyed, his mouth opened in a big O-shape, and he generally looked like he was about to swallow his tongue.

The man in the stool was not Guy Kewney—he was Guy Goma, who had come by BBC to apply for an IT job. Bowerman’s producer had been sent to get Kewney, had seen Goma, asked him if his name was “Guy.” Goma naturally answered in the affirmative, and he was ushered into the studio. The very best part of this story: Goma decided to go along with it. He actually answered Bowerman’s questions—even though he had no idea what he was talking about.

As soon as the interview was over, Goma explained what had happened—but the segment had been aired live, so there was nothing to be done. The real Guy Kewney—who was in a reception room where had been told to wait—had watched the interview on a TV there in a state of confusion.

I
n 2001 NASA launched
Genesis
, a space probe used to sample and observe the solar wind. It successfully took samples and retrieved data, but as it reentered Earth’s atmosphere in 2004, its landing parachute failed to deploy, and the capsule smashed to the ground. The reason for the failure: Two acceleration sensors had been installed backward in the $260 million device.

•
  
NASA launched the
Mars Climate Orbiter
in December 1998 to study the weather and atmosphere of Mars. The probe was supposed to collect data and radio it back to NASA control centers in Florida. It never happened. That’s because the software used to control the
Orbiter
were entered in U.S. measurements (inches, feet)—they were supposed to be in metric. As a result, the
Orbiter
missed its atmospheric entry point and entered too late, burning up on reentry in September 1999. Total cost of the failed mission: $655 million.

•
  
Funded by a generous government grant, the Institute for Animal Health in Scotland spent 1996 to 2001 attempting to determine if mad cow disease
was able to cross over from cattle brains to sheep brains. They mainly analyzed and dissected sheep brains they’d suspected had been infected. The program was halted in late 2001 when the scientists realized that the whole time they had been studying cow brains instead of sheep brains.

•
  
“Acoustic Kitty” was a top-secret CIA project in the 1960s in which government scientists surgically implanted a cat with batteries and ran an antenna through its tail. The goal: Plant the cat near enemy offices and have it transmit conversations to a receiving station. Before the first cat could be used in the field, it was hit by a car.

YOU’RE FIRED

In 2010 Gene Cranick’s home in rural Obion County, Tennessee, caught fire. Cranick got out of the house, then called the fire department. But fire trucks never came and Cranick’s house burned down. Why? Obion County isn’t large enough to support its own fire department, so residents rely on the emergency services of nearby South Fulton. The trade-off? A $75 annual emergency services coverage fee. Cranick hadn’t paid his fee, so his house burned to the ground.