Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents (21 page)

I
n October 2003, 33-year-old Sergio Martinez was in the forests outside San Diego hunting for deer when he got separated from his hunting partner. Not wanting to scare away the deer, Martinez didn’t call out for help. Despite the dry conditions that are common in California, he lit a rescue flare.

The Department of Fire Protection reacted almost immediately. After 30 minutes, the fire was still smaller than a football field, and 320 firefighters were at work. But then Santa Ana winds picked up. Within 14 hours, the fire had spread 30 miles.

Martinez was saved, but the Cedar Fire, as it came to be known, took over a week to contain. It became the largest wildfire in California history, eventually destroying an area larger than the city of Los Angeles. More than 2,200 homes were burned, and 14 people died. The fire cost the state $1.3 billion, but Martinez avoided jail time. Instead, he was sentenced to six months of work release, a five-year probation, and a fine of $9,000, to be paid to the U.S. Forest Service and used in their fire safety education program.

W
hizzed.
During a 1952 NFL game between the Chicago Bears and the Los Angeles Rams, Bears halfback Wilford “Whizzer” White tried to avoid the rush by running backward, dodging defenders, a bit more, and a little bit more, until he had run 51 yards—the wrong way—to his own goal line. Then he fumbled the ball and the Rams scored.

Caught with his punts down.
During the 1986 NFC Championship Game, New York Giants punter Sean Landeta attempted a routine punt…and missed. He kicked his own leg instead of the ball. The Chicago Bears’ Shaun Gayle scooped up the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. (Landeta blamed the whiffed punt—the only one in NFL history—on a gust of wind.) The Giants lost the game 21–0.

Gus what?
Washington Redskins quarterback Gus Frerotte scored on a 1-yard touchdown run just before halftime of a 1997 game, and was so excited he headbutted the wall under the stands… and sprained his neck. He finished out the half, but spent the rest of the day in the hospital.

Party foul.
Arizona Cardinals rookie kicker Bill Gramatica made a 43-yard field goal during a 2001 game against the New York Giants, then jumped into the air in celebration, landed awkwardly, and tore a ligament in his right knee. He was out for the rest of the season.

Falling Starr.
At an NFL dinner the evening before Super Bowl XXXIII in January 1999, Atlanta Falcons safety Eugene Robinson was awarded the Bart Starr Award, given annually to a player with “high moral character.” Later that night, Robinson was arrested for attempting to solicit a prostitute. Robinson was allowed to play in the Super Bowl the next day (he and the Falcons lost to the Denver Broncos 34–19), but he had to return the award.

Duke of Owww.
After running for a touchdown during a game in 2005, Maynard “Duke” Pettijohn of the Arena Football League’s Dallas Desperados emphatically spiked the football…and the entire audience let out a dramatic (and sympathetic) “Ohhhhh!” The ball had bounced straight up into the groin of referee Mike DeLaney, who fell to the ground in agony. Pettijohn was given a (very) personal foul.

C
elebrate Good Times:
In September 2012, a teenager from Haren, in the Netherlands, invited her friends to her 16th birthday party via Facebook.

Come On:
She forgot to mark the invitation “private.” Strangers saw the message and shared it, and it quickly went viral…roughly 4,000 people showed up for the party. The girl and her family had to be taken from their home by police to an undisclosed location as the revelers took to the streets of Haren, smashing shop windows, setting cars ablaze, and engaging in skirmishes with the more than 500 police officers called in to deal with the party/riot. Twenty-nine people were injured, and 34 were arrested.

Celebrate Good Times:
Alex Bowden attended a party in a Darwin, Australia, suburb in August 2012. Fireworks were set off at some point in the festivities.

Come On:
Bowden, thinking it would be a good party trick, pulled down his trousers, placed a spinning “Flying Bee” firecracker between his butt cheeks, and lit it. Partygoers called paramedics when the firecracker went off—and Bowden began screaming in agony. He was rushed to a hospital to
be treated for “quite severe and very painful burns to his cheeks, back, and private bits.” (Bowden also burned his fingers…when he pulled the still-spinning and burning incendiary device from his butt.) From his hospital bed the day after the incident, Bowden said, “It’s not as bad as everyone’s saying,” and added that his mother “thought it was funny.”

Celebrate Good Times:
On December 31, 2010, a man in Munich, Germany, drove to the center of the city to take part in raucous New Year’s Eve festivities. He got very, very drunk. In the wee hours of the morning he very responsibly got a taxi home, and the next day went to retrieve his car.

Come On:
He couldn’t find his car. He called the police and they helped him look for it—he remembered the area where he had parked it but they couldn’t find the car, either. Days went by—no car. Weeks went by—no car. Then months went by. Still no car. Worse: He was a master woodworker, and his tools—more than $50,000 worth—were in the car’s trunk. Finally, in October 2012—almost two years later—a police officer found the woodworker’s lost car. It had been sitting right where he’d left it…about 2.5 miles from where he had told police he was sure he’d parked it. His tools were still in the trunk.

P
ARDON MY FRENCH.
During an early round at the 2012 London Summer Olympics, Switzerland’s men’s soccer team lost to South Korea 2–1. Later that day, Swiss player Michel Morganella posted a message on Twitter. The translation, from French: “I’m going to beat up every Korean, go on, burn yourselves, bunch of mongoloids.” Morganella was immediately kicked off the Swiss national team and sent home. He later apologized and said he had been “provoked” into the reaction by other Twitter users. His Twitter account was soon deleted.