Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents (24 page)

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A 51-year-old drunk man from Kamloops, British Columbia,
passed out in a grassy field one night with a lit cigarette in his mouth. When he awoke, he was on fire. So was the field. He got up and ran away while trying to brush off the flames. Then he got on a bike and tried to ride farther away from the fire. That’s when he got hit by a train. When he awoke on the tracks, he had severe burns and a big gash on his head (from the train). Later, at the hospital, his bad day was made worse when he got arrested for starting the fire. Then he was charged with theft for stealing the bike.

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Thanks to the thousands of surveillance cameras in England,
there’s a lot of great footage of Brits embarrassing themselves. One such Brit is Michael Morgan. In 2012 a sidewalk security camera recorded him as he rode his bike up to the entrance of a pub that he’d been ejected from the night before for fighting. Seeking sweet revenge, the 33-year-old (still on his bike) doused the door with gasoline and lit it on fire. Then he rode away, seemingly unaware of the flames leaping up his legs and back. Morgan escaped without serious injury (as did the pub), but he was easily recognized from the security footage and arrested soon after. He was sentenced to two and a half years in prison. The landlord of the adjacent building pointed out that karma goes far beyond a mere prison sentence: “People will always remember Michael Morgan as the clown on the bike who set himself on fire.”

ALWAYS HAVE A BACKUP PLAN

Sweden’s King Gustavus Adolphus refused to wear armor at the 1632 Battle of Lützen, a decisive battle in the Thirty Years’ War, between the Swedish Protestant Union and the Catholic League. The king claimed that “The Lord God is my armor.” Then he got shot and died.

U
ntil the 1980s, Lake Peigneur was a popular fishing spot for sportsmen in Louisiana. The areas around and beneath the lake were also popular, having been mined for salt and tapped by oil companies. At least they were until November 21, 1980, when a petroleum-seeking drill from a Texaco platform plunged through the lake. Unfortunately, a member of the company’s crew made a critical miscalculation. Instead of hitting a deposit filled with Texas Tea, the drill pierced a mine shaft beneath the lake owned by the Diamond Crystal Salt Company.

The crew realized that something was wrong when they tried to free the drill and it wouldn’t budge. The platform began to tilt and a series of loud pops filled the air. They fled to shore as thousands of gallons of water surged into the ruptured mine shaft.

As the hole grew bigger and bigger, Junius Gaddison, an electrician working in the mines, heard a series of strange noises. He went to investigate and suddenly found himself knee-deep in muddy water. He sounded an alarm, sending the mine’s 50-man crew rushing for the nearest exit route to the surface: a slow-moving elevator that could hold only eight people at a time.

Meanwhile up top, the small hole created by the drill became a mile-wide whirlpool that sucked the drilling platform down into the mine while the intense air pressure in the mine caused a series of 400-foot-tall geysers to burst out of the ground. The awesome sucking power of the whirlpool could not be abated: Over the following hours, it gobbled up a second drilling platform, a loading dock, a parking lot, and over 70 acres of terrain. So much water filled the mine that the Delcambre Canal, which typically empties the lake into the bay, began to flow backward, pulling 11 barges into the spinning vortex.

After three hours, Lake Peigneur had lost all of its 3.5 billion gallons of water. Then saltwater from the canal started flowing into the empty pit where the lake once sat, creating what would temporarily be the tallest waterfall in Louisiana. It reached a height of 164 feet and flowed for a day or two before the canal refilled the lake with water from Vermilion Bay. Eventually, nine of the sunken barges popped back up to the lake’s surface. The tugboat and the drilling platforms are still trapped in the destroyed mine.

Amazingly enough, the accident didn’t cause a single human fatality or even an injury. All 55 miners managed to escape to shore before the whirlpool’s current became too strong. Texaco was later required to pay around $45 million in out-of-court settlements.

H
ost:
“Tell me a slang word for money.”

Contestant:
“Money.”

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Host:
“Name a state that begins with the letter N.”

Contestant:
“Mexico.”

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Host:
“Name a candy bar that might describe your mate in bed.”

Contestant:
“Butterfinger.”

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Host:
“Tell me a food that comes in instant form.”

Contestant:
“Asparagus.”

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Host:
“Besides a bird, name something in a birdcage.”

Contestant:
“Hamster.”

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Host:
“Name a noisy bird.”

Contestant:
“Chipmunk.”

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Host:
“Name a way of cooking fish.”

Contestant:
“Cod.”

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Host:
“Name something a man might have in his pants when he’s going on a hot date.”

Contestant:
“A boner.”

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Host:
“Name something a burglar would not want to see in your house.”

Contestant:
“Naked grandma!”

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Host:
“Name something a blind person might use.”

Contestant:
“A sword.”

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A
s part of the ongoing fight against childhood obesity, many school districts nationwide have banned vending machines and junk foods that lack nutritional value. Singled out for omission in New Mexico, California, and Illinois: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, a variety of the cheese-powder-coated corn-based snack that is also covered with a spicy-hot red powder. In addition to providing a delicious carbohydrate boost, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos stain the eater’s fingers red (as opposed to the orange fingers provided by traditional Cheetos).

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos get their distinctive red hue from a large amount of food dye. That food dye tends to seep into feces, leading to anecdotal reports around the country of panicked parents bringing their children to doctors’ offices and emergency rooms because they have bloody stools, a symptom of a number of terrifying medical conditions. Thankfully, more often not, it’s just red poop brought on by a bag of red-hot Cheetos.

T
he only cultural force as strong as disco in the late 1970s was the “disco sucks” movement, adhered to by those tired of disco. Feelings reached their peak on July 12, 1979: “Disco Demolition Night,” a promotion that was part of a Chicago White Sox doubleheader at Comiskey Park. It was orchestrated by Chicago disc jockey Steve Dahl, who had lost his job when his rock station changed its format to disco. Between games, Dahl planned to blow up a massive pile of disco records. The White Sox hired security for an expected crowd of about 35,000. Instead, 60,000 people showed up, and started demolishing disco a little early, throwing records at each other and at the players on the field.