Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents (40 page)

He got beat.
Newly elected Australian Liberal Party leader Alexander Downer, in line to be the country’s next prime minister, gave a speech at a 1994 formal dinner in Sydney. Downer began to talk up his party’s new “The Things That Matter” slogan. He started off with a joke, quipping that he was thinking of calling his anti–domestic violence initiative “The Things That Batter.” The crowd, which included several prominent female Australian politicians—and many Australians, since the event was televised—reacted with silent shock. Within months Downer was no longer leader of the Liberal Party. His eight months in the position is still the shortest term in the party’s history.

Darkest Portugal.
On February 11, 2011, India’s foreign minister, S. M. Krishna, gave his very first speech before the United Nations Security Council in New York. A full three minutes into his speech, India’s envoy to the U.N. stepped forward, took the script from Krishna’s hands, and gave him another one. “You can start again,” he muttered before stepping away. The problem: Krishna had been reading the speech already given by the foreign minister of Portugal, left on top of Krishna’s papers by the Portuguese foreign minister. Krishna’s aides later tried to laugh off the gaffe, saying the beginning portion of the speech contained mostly
pleasantries that any speech might have had, and that it could have happened to anyone. But probably not; among the lines Krishna read was, “Allow me to express my profound satisfaction regarding the happy coincidence of having two Portuguese-speaking countries here today.” (At which point chuckling could be heard in the room.)

It’s Finnished.
In July 2005, French president Jacques Chirac attended a dinner in Kaliningrad, Russia, and at some point during the evening made what he thought were private comments to Russian president Vladimir Putin and German leader Gerhard Schröder. Speaking about their mutual allies the British, Chirac said, “The only thing they have ever done for European agriculture is mad cow disease.” He added: “You cannot trust people who have such bad cuisine. It is the country with the worst food after Finland.” Chirac thought the comments were private…but reporters overheard them. The next day the insults made headlines all over Europe—especially in the UK, where the British press savaged Chirac. (The
Sun
called him a “petty, racist creep.”) Boycotts of French foods followed, and the insults caused serious tension between the two nations. Just two days after Chirac made the comments, the International Olympic Committee met to decide who would host the 2012 Olympics: London or Paris. Paris was the favorite, but London got the Games. How much it had to do with the two Finns on the final voting board, we’ll never know for sure.

I
n the 1980s, Michael Jackson was certainly the most popular—and arguably the most recognizable—entertainer in the world. His 1982 album
Thriller
sold more than 42 million copies, his 1987 follow-up
Bad
sold 17 million, he pioneered the music video format, and he popularized the Moonwalk and the idea of wearing a single, sparkly glove.

His profile as both a musician and an icon dwindled in the 1990s because of Jackson’s bizarre behavior and eccentric personal life. He attempted a comeback in 2001: He held a show at Madison Square Garden celebrating 30 years as a solo artist, and he recorded a new album,
Invincible
, with a top-10 hit, “You Rock My World,” his first hit single in more than five years. He also hired a British film crew to follow him and his three children around and make a documentary about him.

But instead of lionizing the singer, the film made Jackson look alarmingly weird.
Living with Michael Jackson
, which aired in 2003 on ABC, depicted, among other things, Jackson dangling his infant son over a balcony and admitting to sleeping in beds with children. This led to Jackson’s arrest on child abuse charges, a controversy that haunted his career from then on. Jackson never had another hit song, and died in 2009.

C
oming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

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“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

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“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.”

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“I bumped into a lamppost which was obscured by human beings.”

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“I was driving along when I saw kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.”

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“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.”

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“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

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“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”

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“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

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“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”

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“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”

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“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car, and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

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“As I approached an intersection a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”

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“Windshield broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”

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“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

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“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

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“I started to slow down, but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

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On approach to the traffic lights, the car in front suddenly broke.

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“I thought my window was down but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”

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“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”

I
n May 2007, British bridegroom Stephen Mallone, 25, was celebrating a stag weekend in Bratislava, Slovakia, when he decided it would be good fun to strip naked and swim in a public fountain. He was arrested and sentenced to two months in jail—which meant he would be missing his £20,000 wedding. After nearly two weeks, Slovakian authorities finally relented—and Mr. Mallone made it to the church on time.

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A man from Cookeville, Tennessee, visited the local mall. When he returned to his car, it wouldn’t start. A heavy rainstorm came through and the man, not wanting to get mud on his car’s seat covers via muddy and wet clothes, stripped naked before he got underneath the car to diagnose the problem. That’s when police arrived and arrested him for indecent exposure. The charge was later dropped, but not until after he was fired from his job as an industrial engineer.

S
ince 1978, Jim Davis has drawn and authored
Garfield
, one of the most popular daily comic strips in the world. He works in advance, sending out finished
Garfield
episodes to his syndicate and newspapers as much as a year ahead of time.

This strip ran in November 2010: Garfield the cat holds up a rolled newspaper about to squish a spider. The spider implores him to stop, saying, “If you squish me, I shall become famous! They will hold an annual day of remembrance in my honor, you fat slob!” The final panel depicts a classroom full of spiders, with a spider teacher asking “Does anyone here know why we celebrate National Stupid Day?” The implication is that Garfield killed the spider, and that he was stupid for baiting the cat.

The strip, celebrating “National Stupid Day,” ran in newspapers on Veterans Day. Davis issued an apology, saying he didn’t know the strip would run on Veterans Day, and called it “the worst timing ever.”

A
pril 15, 2012, was the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the
Titanic
. Former baseball star and reality TV show participant José Canseco thought he’d tweet some thoughts:

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“Titanic 100 years wow. Global warming could’ve saved titanic. Sad to say.”

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“Because we don’t recycle and consume like crazy icicles are non existent. Titanic would’ve still existed today.” (“Icicles” apparently referred to “icebergs,” which, by the way, do exist.)

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“With global warming the weather is hotter so the icebergs would be melted and titanic saved.”