Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (29 page)

“Tokyo police were called to an apartment building in February 2003 to investigate a suspicious package in the hallway. They found a white box about ten inches square and five inches high. They scanned it with a metal detector—and it read positive, so they immediately cleared the building, closed the roads around it, and called in the bomb squad. An hour later they finally got the box open and found…a chocolate cake. It was a Valentine’s Day present for one of the residents. (And it was on a metal tray.)”

—
Daily Times (
Pakistan)

October 4, 2004, was the first day since 1999 on which no one was shot in Chicago.

COFFEE TO GO

“A 31-year-old man, wanted for more than 95 different offenses, was picked up on a warrant for grievous bodily harm by two officers on the Croatian island of Korcula. But after persuading the cops to join him for a last coffee, the criminal fled out of the back of the café, escaping into nearby woods. The policemen have been suspended and face further disciplinary action while their superiors investigate how they could have allowed a man who has been charged with so many offenses to buy them a drink.”

—
Ananova

YOU’RE FIRED

“Police in a Chilean town mistook firefighters for thieves and tried to arrest them. They were trying to put out a fire at a clothing shop in Valparaíso when police arrived and mistook them for a gang of robbers. The shop had been broken into shortly before the fire started, but the firemen arrived before the police. A police spokesperson said, ‘You know how robbers are these days. They’re so creative.’”

—
New York Post

WHAT A SHOCK

“A British policeman lost his stun gun after leaving it on his police car roof and driving off. The officer only noticed the weapon, which gives a 50,000 volt electric shock, was gone when he got to his destination. He retraced his route, but there was no sign of the pistol. ‘We are concerned that it could fall into the wrong hands,’ police chief Paul Pearce said. ‘If anyone has seen it at the roadside, we ask them to notify the police.’”

—
The Mirror
(U.K.)

It would take a manned rocketship 70,000 years to reach the next closest solar system.

BILLY MITCHELL’S BATTLE, PART I

History often shows us that radical ideas which upset the status quo are simply ahead of their time. This is the story of a bold man whose forward thinking eventually helped the Allies win World War II
.

A
N AMERICAN IN PARIS

In April 1917, 37-year-old Major William “Billy” Mitchell arrived in Paris to assist in coordinating America’s entry into World War I. The war had been raging since 1914, but the United States was only entering the conflict now, having just declared war against Germany.

Mitchell was attached to the aviation section of the Army Signal Corps, then the branch of the military in charge of aviation. His job was to integrate American planes into the Allied war effort. There weren’t many planes to integrate—the Army had purchased its very first plane (from the Wright Brothers) only eight years earlier; by 1917 the U.S. air fleet had grown to 55 planes, piloted by the only 35 officers who knew how to fly. Fifty-one of the 55 planes were already obsolete and the remaining four weren’t much better. This was compared to thousands of combat aircraft fielded by England, France, Italy, and Germany.

Airplanes weren’t a high priority for the U.S. military: When Mitchell first arrived in Paris, he had to use his own money to set up an aviation office (in space borrowed from an American-owned company). When he asked the Army for $50,000 to staff and fund it, his request was denied.

AERIAL ADVANCES

In addition to lacking planes, the U.S. military needed to catch up with European aviation. Aerial warfare was still in its infancy but it was evolving quickly: When the war started in 1914, aircraft were used only as unarmed spotters for the artillery. These planes were so effective in helping cannons pound enemy targets that both sides started sending their pilots up with pistols, rifles, and shotguns to shoot enemy spotters out of the sky. By the time the U.S. entered the war, both sides had begun building fighter planes with built-in machine guns synchronized with the plane’s motor so they could shoot through the spinning propellers without striking the blades.

Got a favorite? The seven deadly sins are lust, pride, anger, envy, sloth, avarice, and gluttony.

Bombers had made even more progress since the start of the war: In 1914 zeppelins, not airplanes, had been used as bombers. Although they dropped 100-pound bombs, they were too slow and too easy to shoot down to be very effective. But within a few years, giant twin-engined German Gotha biplanes began crossing the English Channel to drop
1,100-pound
bombs on targets in England.

QUICK STUDY

Mitchell spent ten days touring the front, then flew over the battlefield in an airplane. If he’d had any doubts about the importance airplanes would have in future conflicts, they ended when he went over the frontline trenches. “We could cross the lines in a few minutes in our airplane,” he later wrote, “whereas the armies had been locked in the struggle, immovable, powerless to advance, for three years.”

Mitchell spent the next year and a half learning as much as possible about aerial combat from the more experienced British and French pilots. Then, as the American Expeditionary Force prepared to launch its first major attack near Saint-Mihiel, France, on September 12, 1918, he organized what became the largest air offensive to date: nearly 1,500 British, French, Italian, and American planes, operating in waves of 400, flew across the front lines and tried to destroy the German fleet of 2,000 aircraft on the ground before they could join the battle.

The strategy paid off: Those planes that weren’t destroyed were put on the defensive, giving control of the skies to the Allies and helping them clear the Germans out of a part of France that they had occupied continuously since 1914. General John J. Pershing was so impressed that he promoted Mitchell to brigadier general.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

Mitchell had big ideas for how air power could be used in the battles to come: He thought that a good way to break up the stalemate of trench warfare would be to give soldiers parachutes and start dropping them behind enemy lines, bypassing the trenches altogether. In addition to making
tactical
use of airplanes—having them attack enemy soldiers and airplanes—he thought they should also be used
strategically
—they could fly deep into enemy territory to destroy factories, military installations, and transportation networks.

King Louis XIV is credited with being the first person to add sugar to coffee, in 1715.

But before Mitchell could put any of his ideas to use, the war ended. Germany signed an armistice on November 11, 1918, just two months after the giant air offensive at Saint-Mihiel.

BRAVE NEW WORLD

The First World War was over, but the struggle over the future of the U.S. military was just beginning. Mitchell knew that air power had profoundly changed the nature of warfare. In the past, whether armies and navies won or lost depended largely upon how well their ground strengths measured up against the opponents’. But in the future, Mitchell believed, the deciding factor would be who controlled the skies over the battlefield.

Unfortunately, not many other American military leaders understood this, and it worried Mitchell. Saint-Mihiel was only one battle—would the officers who hadn’t been there realize its significance? When the next great war came, other countries might have air forces capable of inflicting great damage upon American forces on land and at sea. The United States would need to develop air power to defend itself. Yes, it had prevailed in World War I, even though it was way behind in the air race. But that was only because it had allies, and because aerial warfare was so new. What about the next war—would America be ready?

What happened next may surprise you. For Part II of the Billy Mitchell story, fly over to
page 399
.

*        *        *

FOUR THINGS MICK JAGGER—BORN IN 1943—IS OLDER THAN

The transistor (1947)

Israel (1948)

Velcro (1948)

Cake mix (1949)

Radiation from the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear accident was detected as far south as Italy.

CUTE…AND
EVIL

Think they’re cuddly? They’ll bite your face off if you let them
.

A
78-YEAR-OLD AUSTRALIAN
man was hospitalized after being attacked by a koala. He approached the dazed animal after hitting it with his car. “He fooled me,” said Jack Higgs. “I went to grab his back legs to sort of drag him off the road; he turned around and struck me.” Higgs was treated for deep scratches on his legs. The koala was released back to the wild.

A BOCA RATON, FLORIDA,
woman was walking her pet Chihuahua when a river otter jumped out of a canal, grabbed the dog, and dragged it into the water. “The otter starts dunking him to drown him like they do to fish,” said Leah Vanon. “I started punching the otter in the face, which I felt really bad about because it’s cute. But it was killing my dog.” (She saved the pooch.)

DOUG BOWES OF SANTA ROSA
, California, was walking in a field near his home in 2002 when a small jackrabbit bounded toward him. “I thought, ‘Gosh, this is somebody’s pet,’” he later told reporters. He reached his hand down to pet the bunny—and it bit him. Bowes had to get six rounds of rabies injections. And the best part: It was Easter.

IN THE 1970S, ACTRESS
Susan Sarandon took part in a study on human interaction with dolphins, during which she became friendly with a dolphin named Joe. All was going well until Joe’s mate, Rosie, suddenly attacked Sarandon, biting her on the hand and nearly breaking her wrist. “Apparently, an enraged, jealous dolphin is incredibly dangerous,” Sarandon said.

CAN FINCHES BE KEPT
with parakeets? That’s what a reader of bird expert Myra Markley’s Web site asked. Markley’s answer: “I have been called to many homes where parakeets have been added to the aviary. The owners want to know why the finches keep dying. I stand quietly and watch the birds interact and force the owners to do the same. In most cases I’ve only needed to wait a few minutes. A parakeet grabs the finch and either rips out a beak full of feathers or crushes the tiny finch’s head or neck.” In other words…no.

Winged winos: Butterflies can get drunk on the juice of rotten fruit.

HE’S A CURLY WOLF

Real cowboy slang of the late 19th century was a lot different from the way it’s been depicted in movies and on TV. Some examples:

C
offee boiler:
A lazy person who sits around the coffee pot instead of helping with the work.

Big bug:
Important person; big shot.

Bone orchard:
Cemetery.

The boss:
The best.

He only gave it a lick and a promise:
He did a poor job.

Crow bait:
A poor-quality horse.

Shin out:
To run away.

Clean someone’s plow:
To beat them up.

You’re all down but nine:
You don’t understand—refers to missing all the pins in a game of nine-pin bowling.

Coffin varnish:
Bad coffee.

Grub-line rider:
Someone who travels from ranch to ranch looking for work.

Curly wolf:
A very tough, very dangerous person.

Flannel mouth:
A smooth talker.

California widow:
A wife who lives apart from her husband because he has gone West to seek his fortune.

Gospel sharp:
A preacher. (As skilled with the Bible as a card sharp is with cards.)

Indian haircut:
A scalping.

Quirley:
A cigarette you roll yourself.

Cowboy change:
Bullets (sometimes used as quarters or dimes when coins were short).

Fightin’ wages:
Extra money paid to cowboys for fighting Indians or cattle rustlers.

Take French leave:
To desert, or leave without permission.

Dude:
An Easterner or well-dressed person (they wear “duds”).

Someone to ride the river with:
Someone dependable.

Beat the Devil around the stump:
To procrastinate.

Honda:
The eyelet at the end of a lasso that’s used to make the loop.

On average, a movie makes about five times more from its video sales than its ticket sales.

SPICY STORIES

In our quest to not cook up a bland book, our seasoned researchers spiced things up with a dash of tasty origins
.

A
LLSPICE

Allspice grows naturally in the West Indies and Central America, where Spanish explorers discovered it in the 16th century. They thought the shrubby tree’s fruit looked like peppercorns, so they called the plant
pimienta
, Spanish for “pepper.” But it isn’t pepper—its pungent aroma has been described as a mixture of cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, and black pepper. For that reason, English traders who brought it back from Spain gave it the name
allspice
. Fun fact: Seventeenth-century pirates put allspice on meat to preserve it for long sea voyages—a French process known as
boucan
, which gave the pirates the name
boucaniers
, or buccaneers. Today, allspice is an ingredient in sausage, pickles, and curry.