Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (55 page)

“Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.”

“It’s always fun to tell a joke that makes all the kids laugh but which confuses and annoys the teacher. And that’s what I try to do as a grownup: entertain part of the audience and annoy another part.”

“The history of TV has traditionally been not to do anything that would scandalize grandma or upset junior. Our solution on
The Simpsons
is to do jokes that people who have an education can get. And the ones who don’t, it doesn’t matter, because we have Homer banging his head and saying, ‘D’oh!’”

Hugo’s
Les Miserables
contains one of the longest sentences in French literature—823 words.

LEGALLY SPEAKING

So you’re watching
Law and Order
on TV, or maybe you find yourself in court (we won’t ask why), and you suddenly realize you have no idea what the judge and lawyers are talking about. Ta-da! Here’s a handy legal-phrase guide
.

Litigant.
A participant in the trial or hearing.

Plaintiff.
The side that filed the lawsuit.

Defendant.
The person on trial (or being sued).

Prosecutor.
The lawyer who represents the state (or city) in a criminal case.

Defense attorney.
The lawyer who represents the defendant.

Brief.
A document written by each side that outlines and supports their arguments.

Deposition.
Testimony of a witness taken outside the courtroom, usually in a lawyer’s office.

Arraignment.
The first court appearance of a person accused of a crime, usually when a plea is entered.

Writ.
A legal paper filed to start various types of civil suits.

Affidavit.
A written statement made under oath.

Bail.
Also called “bond.” Money accepted by the court for the temporary release of a defendant, given as a guarantee they will show up for trial.

Statute of limitations.
The window of time during which someone can be charged with a crime.

Bench warrant.
If a defendant out on bail doesn’t show up for trial, the judge issues this to order that person’s immediate arrest.

Cross-examination.
Questioning by the other side’s attorney.

Contempt of court.
Being disrespectful in court or disobeying a judge’s order. It often comes with a punishment of a night in jail.

Felony.
A criminal offense carrying a sentence of more than one year in prison.

Misdemeanor.
A minor crime with a maximum penalty of a year in jail or a fine of no more than $2,000.

The naked truth: Men are four times more likely than women to sleep in the nude.

Subpoena.
An order to appear in court to testify.

Infraction.
A minor offense, like a speeding ticket. It doesn’t require a court case.

Criminal case.
A lawsuit in which the government charges a person with a crime.

Civil action.
When one party sues another, not involving the government, such as a divorce or child-support suit.

Testimony.
A witness’s oral account, presented as evidence.

Jury trial.
A group of citizens hear testimony and evidence presented by both sides, and decide the winner of a lawsuit, or whether a criminal act was committed.

Bench trial.
Trial by a judge, not by a jury.

Grievance.
A complaint filed by litigants against an attorney or judge.

Habeas corpus.
A court order used to bring a person physically to court.

Voir dire.
The process of questioning prospective jurors or witnesses. It’s Latin for “to speak the truth.”

Continuance.
The postponement of a case to a date in the near future.

Tort.
A civil injury or wrong to a person or their property.

No contest.
A plea in a criminal case that allows the defendant to be convicted without an admission of guilt.

Plea bargain.
An agreement the defendant makes to avoid a trial, usually involving pleading guilty to lesser charges in exchange for a lighter sentence.

Hung jury.
When a jury cannot agree and reaches no verdict.

Capital crime.
A crime punishable by death.

Damages.
Monetary compensation paid for a legal wrong.

Injunction.
A court order to do (or not do) something, like pay child support or attend drug counseling.

Appeal.
Asking a higher court to review a previous court’s decision (or sentence).

Trial de novo.
A new trial or retrial.

You cannot burp in space.

DESTINATION: CANADA

Why visit the CN Tower and Edmonton Mall when you can see Joe’s Scarecrows and Happy Rock?

A
ttraction:
Happy Rock
Location:
Gladstone, Manitoba
Story:
High atop a building the size of a storage shed sits the Happy Rock (nicknamed “the Canadian Ambassador of Smiles”)—a 15-foot-tall fake rock wearing a tuxedo, top hat, and white gloves. Why a “happy rock”? Because it’s the city of “Gladstone” (get it?). The rock was designed by a 10-year-old boy in 1993 and built specifically to draw visitors to this tiny town of 900 people. According to the Chamber of Commerce, if you get your picture taken under the Happy Rock, it will bring you good luck.

Attraction:
Joe’s Scarecrows

Location:
Cheticamp, Nova Scotia

Story:
In 1946 someone told Joe Delaney not to bother putting a garden in his yard—the area was too close to salt water for anything to grow—so Delaney decided to raise scarecrows instead. At first he just put in a few and dressed them up to look like actors and politicians. Tourists started stopping to look at them, so Delaney started adding more. Today more than 100 scarecrows occupy his yard.

Attractions:
The World Famous Gopher Hole Museum

Locations:
Torrington, Alberta

Story:
The Gopher Hole Museum showcases real gophers (dead, stuffed, and dressed like people) in dioramas depicting life in Canada, past and present. Scenes include gophers hunting, playing hockey, eating dinner, going to church, and perhaps strangest of all, attending the Gopher Hole Museum. But wait! Canada is a big country—big enough for
two
tourist attractions featuring stuffed gophers. The other one, sadly closed now, was Gopherville in Langenburg, Saskatchewan—a miniature Wild West town where the gophers were dressed like cowboys, sheriffs, and frontier prostitutes, posed in Wild West situations like saloons and gunfights.

First Canadian in space: Marc Garneau (1984).

Attraction:
Criminals Hall of Fame Wax Museum

Location:
Niagara Falls, Ontario

Story:
Many museums around the world display wax statues of famous, familiar people. This is the only one that exclusively features criminals (most of them American). Outside, a police car parked in front sets the mood. Inside are notorious murderers rendered in wax, including old-school criminals such as Al Capone and Bugsy Siegel, and modern creeps like cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer (getting a “snack” from a refrigerator) and Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh in an orange prison jumpsuit. At the end of the tour, visitors can have their picture taken in an electric chair that buzzes when you sit in it.

Attraction:
World’s Largest Hockey Stick (and Puck)

Location:
Duncan, British Columbia

Story:
For the 1986 Vancouver World Fair, the Canadian government commissioned this, the ultimate symbol of Canada. The world’s largest hockey stick—made of Douglas fir and steel—measures 205 feet (five feet longer than an NHL rink) and weighs 61,000 pounds. The giant puck which, like the stick, is 40 times life size, sits atop a pole next to the stick. After the Fair, both stick and puck were moved from Vancouver to Duncan, where they currently sit in front of the Cowichan Community Centre.

Attraction:
Funomena Mobile Museum of the Weird and Strange

Location:
Regina, Saskatchewan

Story:
Calling itself the “world’s smallest museum,” it features 13 exhibits, a souvenir shop, and a tour guide, all inside a 10-foot-long camper trailer. Exhibits include a set of silverware that supposedly belonged to Satan, a weeping statue, artifacts of Bigfoot, a half-human half-fish creature, a “miracle healing chair,” and a portrait of Elvis Presley made with Presley’s own hair.

*        *        *

MARK TWAIN ON BOOKS

“I like a thin book because it will steady a table, a leather volume because it will strop a razor, and a heavy book because it can be thrown at the cat.”

For more than 600 years, the official language of England was…French.

MAKING
THE GODFATHER
, PT. II

Is this part two of our story of the making of
The Godfather: Part I…
or is it part one of our story of the making of
The Godfather: Part II?
Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. Read on and see for yourself. (Part I is one
page 91
.)

T
HE SALESMAN
If
The Godfather
had a shot at becoming a good movie, it was a very long shot indeed. Robert Evans, Paramount’s vice president in charge of production, wasn’t sure he wanted Francis Ford Coppola for the director’s job, and Coppola was willing to do it only if he got a big enough budget to direct the film that
he
wanted to direct: a period piece, shot on location in the United States and Sicily, and faithful to the novel.

If you could boil Coppola’s entire career down to the single moment that put him on the path to his future successes, it must have been the meeting he had with Evans and Stanley Jaffe, the president of Paramount, to win final approval to direct
The Godfather
. When producer Albert Ruddy picked Coppola up at the airport to take him to the meeting, he peppered the young director with all the arguments the studio heads were going to need to hear: He could finish the picture on time, he could keep within the budget, etc.

Coppola considered all this and then decided to go his own way.

REVERSAL OF FORTUNE

Rather than talk about schedules and finances, as soon as the meeting began, Coppola launched into a vivid and passionate description of the characters and the story as he thought they should be portrayed. “Ten minutes into the meeting he was up on the f*#$%ing table, giving one of the great sales jobs of all time for the film as
he
saw it,” Ruddy told Harlan Lebo in
The Godfather Legacy. “
That was the first time I had ever seen the Francis the world got to know—a bigger-than-life character. They couldn’t believe what they were hearing—it was phenomenal.”

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Evans and Jaffe were floored. “Francis made Billy Graham look like Don Knotts,” Evans remembered. On the strength of that one meeting with Coppola, Evans and Jaffe abandoned the idea of a “quickie mobster flick,” increased
The Godfather
’s budget to $6 million (it would later grow to $6.5 million), and announced that it would be Paramount’s “big picture of 1971.”

CASTING CALL

Getting Paramount to take
The Godfather
seriously would come at a price—now that the studio had so much money tied up in the film, it was determined to oversee every big decision. Take casting: Even when he was writing the novel, Mario Puzo had pictured Marlon Brando playing the Godfather, Don Corleone, and Coppola agreed that he was perfect for the part. Though he was widely considered one of the world’s best actors, Brando had been in a rut for more than a decade; he had appeared in one money-losing film after another and had a reputation for being the most difficult actor in Hollywood. When he made his directorial debut in the 1961 film
One-Eyed Jacks
, his antics caused so many delays that production costs doubled and the film lost a bundle of money.

Paramount had produced
One Eyed Jacks
, and it wasn’t about to make the same mistake again. “As long as I’m president of the studio,” Jaffe told Coppola, “Marlon Brando will not be in this picture, and I will no longer allow you to discuss it.” The studio wanted someone like Anthony Quinn to play the part; Ernest Borgnine was the Mafia’s top pick for the job (according to FBI wiretaps). Rudy Vallee wanted the job; so did Danny Thomas. Mario Puzo remembered reading in the newspaper that Thomas wanted the part so badly that he was willing to buy Paramount to get it. The thought of that happening put Puzo into such a panic that he wrote Brando a letter begging him to take the part.

I’LL MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CAN’T ACCEPT

Coppola was as determined to get Brando as Puzo was. He pushed Jaffe so hard, in fact, that Jaffe finally put him off by agreeing to “consider” Brando, but only if the World’s Greatest Actor agreed to three conditions that Jaffe was certain he would never accept: Brando had to agree to work for much less money than usual, he had to pay for any production delays he caused out of his own pocket, and he had to submit to a screen test, something he
knew
Brando would see as a slap in the face.