Read Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Michael Brunsfeld
Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (31 page)
7
. “We answer to a higher authority.”
8
. “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.”
9
. “When it rains, it pours!”
10
. “Don’t leave home without it.”
11
. “Ask the man who owns one.”
12
. “I liked it so much I bought the company.”
13
. “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
14
. “Reach out and touch someone.”
15
. “Let your fingers do the walking.”
16
. “It keeps going, and going, and going.”
17
. “Come to where the flavor is.”
18
. “It helps the hurt stop hurting.”
19
. “It does a body good.”
20
. “It’s what’s for dinner.”
21
. “We love to fly and it shows.”
22
. “And we thank you for your support.”
23
. “Rich Corinthian leather.”
24
. “Celebrate the moments of your life.”
25
. “Manly, yes, but I like it, too.”
26
. “Generation Next.”
27
. “We’ll leave the light on for you.”
28
. “Better living through chemistry.”
Better people…or better criminals? Only 12% of those arrested for murder are women.
It’s easy to say “hope I die before I get old” when you’re 20. But what about when you’re 50 or 60? Here’s what these golden oldies have to say
.
“Don’t talk to me about getting old, ’cause I’m not old yet.”
—Tina Turner, 67
“People love talking about when they were young and heard ‘Honky Tonk Women’ for the first time. It’s quite a heavy load to carry the memories of so many people. I like it but I must be careful not to get trapped in the past. That’s why I tend to forget my songs.”
—Mick Jagger, 62
“Somebody said to me this morning, ‘To what do you attribute your longevity?’ I don’t know. I mean, by all accounts I should be dead.”
—Ozzy Osbourne, 51
“Music is forever; music should grow and mature with you, following you right on up until you die.”
—Paul Simon, 63
“Getting old is fascinating. The older you get, the older you want to get.”
—Keith Richards, 62
“In this business it takes time to be really good—and by that time, you’re obsolete.”
—Cher, 52
“Neil Young doesn’t like the old groups getting together. He goes on about all us dinosaurs digging out our old songs forever. But as John Lennon said, ‘It takes a hypocrite to know a hypocrite.’”
—
Pete Townshend, 60
“I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.”
—Peter Gabriel, 55
“People still think I wear bright glasses and high-heeled shoes. That’s not happened since the ’70s. But you know, you create a persona and you are going to have to live with it whether you like it or not.”
—Elton John, 58
“Musicians don’t retire; they stop when there’s no more music in them.”
—Louis Armstrong, 69
In 1990 the French government created a new cabinet position: Le Ministry du Rock ‘n’ Roll.
What’s the difference between Scotch and bourbon? Vodka and gin? Port and sherry? We’ve always wondered, so we looked them up
.
W
HERE ALCOHOL COMES FROM
Ethyl alcohol (the kind you can drink) is created by a process known as
fermentation
. Yeast is added to fruit juice or a “mash” (a cooked mixture of grain and water), and the yeast consumes the sugars, creating two by-products: carbon dioxide and alcohol. But there’s a natural limit to this process. When the alcohol content of the mixture reaches about 15 percent, the yeast loses its ability to convert any more sugars into alcohol. If you want alcohol with a stronger kick than that, you have to continue on to a second process:
distillation
.
Distilled spirits are made in a device called a
still
, which consists of a boiler, a condenser, and a collector. The fermented liquid is heated in the boiler to at least 173°F, the boiling point for alcohol. All the alcohol (and some of the water) boils off in the form of vapor. The vapor flows into the condenser, where it cools back to liquid form and is collected in the collector. The process can be repeated to increase the alcohol content even further.
All distilled liquor is colorless when it is first made, but it can darken during the aging process, especially when aged in wooden barrels or casks. Some manufacturers use caramel or artificial coloring to darken their spirits.
BAR CODES
• Whiskey
. The word comes from the Gaelic
uisce beatha
, meaning “water of life.” It’s alcohol distilled from fermented grains such as barley, rye, corn, wheat, or a combination. In Ireland and the United States, whiskey is spelled with an “e.” In Scotland, Canada, and Japan, it’s spelled
whisky
.
• Scotch
. Whiskey made in Scotland. According to international law, only whiskey made in Scotland may be called Scotch.
• Bourbon
. American whiskey of the type originally made in Bourbon County, Kentucky, typically made from 70 percent corn and 30 percent wheat, rye, or other grains. Tennessee whiskey is similar to bourbon, except that it’s produced in—you guessed it—Tennessee. It is filtered through a ten-foot layer of maple charcoal, which gives it a milder, distinctive flavor.
Bow Wow! For ten years, the mayor of Sunol, California, was a dog named Bosco.
• Brandy
. Alcohol distilled from fermented fruit juices. Brandy is short for brandywine, which comes from the Dutch
brandewijn
, which means “burnt wine.” It can be made from grapes, blackberries, apples, plums, or other fruits. Cognac is a type of brandy produced in the Cognac region of France.
• Gin
. Distilled grain alcohol flavored with juniper berries. Sloe gin is gin flavored with sloe berries from the blackthorn bush instead of juniper berries.
• Rum
. Alcohol distilled from molasses and sugarcane juice, both of which are by-products of the process used to turn sugarcane into refined sugar.
• Vodka
. Distilled alcohol originally made from potatoes, but today mostly made from grain. “Vodka” is the diminutive form of
voda
, the Russian word for water, and means “little water.” All vodka produced in the United States is required by law to be colorless, odorless, and nearly tasteless, which accounts for its popularity in mixed drinks.
• Sherry
. White wine that has been fortified by the addition of distilled spirits. It gets its name from
Shareesh
, the Arabic name for the town of Jerez in southwestern Spain, where it originated.
• Port
. Fortified red or white wine. It gets its name from the city of Porto in northern Portugal, where it originated.
• Vermouth
. Fortified white wine flavored with aromatic herbs and spices. It’s no longer true, but the flavorings were originally used to mask the flavor of inferior wines. Vermouth gets its name from
wermut
, German for wormwood, one of the traditional flavors.
• Cordials
. Distilled spirits combined with sweetened fruit pulp or fruit juices. Liqueurs are similar to cordials, except that the flavoring is provided by flowers, herbs, seeds, roots, or the bark of plants. Many traditional cordial and liqueur recipes are centuries old and started out as medicinal products.
You, too? Approximately 673,693 Americans were born on today’s date.
Have the
…hic…
hiccups? Reading this page won’t cure them
…hic…
but at least…
…hic…
you’ll have a better idea of what you’re
…hic…
dealing with
.
W
HAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW
• A hiccup occurs when a stimulus causes an involuntary contraction of the diaphragm, the muscle separating the lungs from the abdomen. The contraction makes the sufferer take a quick breath, causing the glottis (located in the voice box) to close, which makes the “hic” sound.
• Technical term for hiccups: a diaphragmatic spasm, or
singultus
.
• Unlike other body reflexes (coughs, sneezes, vomiting), hiccups serve no useful purpose.
• Most common causes: too much alcohol, spicy food, cold water, carbonated drinks, indigestion, or asthma. They can also be caused by liver or kidney problems, abdominal surgery, or a brain tumor.
• The word “hiccup” may come from the French
hocquet
, which was used to describe the sound of a hiccup. The earliest known version in English is
hicket
, dating from the 1500s.
• Hiccup lore: In ancient Greece, a bad case of the hiccups meant an enemy was talking about you. To get rid of them one had to guess the enemy’s name. The Scots thought holding your left thumb (or your chin) with your right hand while listening to someone singing a hymn would stop the hiccups.
• Some forms of
encephalitis
(swelling of the brain) can cause hiccuping. During the encephalitis pandemics of the 1920s, several cities reported cases of mass hiccuping.
• Fetuses hiccup in the womb.
• Charles Osborne of Anthon, Iowa, holds the title of “World’s Longest Hiccuper.” It started in 1922, hiccuping as often as 40 times per minute. Sometimes he hiccuped so hard his false teeth fell out. In 1987—nearly 70 years later—the hiccups stopped.
• Folk cures: eat peanut butter, eat Wasabi, drink vinegar, eat Lingonberry jam, drink a glass of water while urinating.
There are no poisonous snakes in Maine.
All the latest information from the news stream
.
L
OO ALERT
Dyno-Rod, England’s largest emergency plumbing service, issued a warning in late 2004: Luxury toilet papers are causing an increase in blocked commodes. The company funded a study to see how long different TPs took to disintegrate in water. Their finding: “Modern products, including double quilted, premoistened, and aloe vera–impregnated tissue can take several days to disintegrate while others take just three minutes.” Result: a 10 percent rise in emergency calls to plumbers. One brand, Kandoo, was still intact after five days in water. Said Dyno-Rod spokesman Alan McLaughlin, “The explosion in luxury paper is placing toilets under considerable strain.”
SUPER BOWL
When a maintenance worker arrived at a highway rest stop in Valle, Norway, she was probably happy to discover that there was one toilet she would not have to clean…because it had been stolen. Helga Homme, an employee of Mesta, the company that services rest stops, immediately reported the theft to the Public Roads Administration (PRA). A Mesta manager reported that although he had seen plenty of thefts from rest stops over the years, things like lightbulbs and toilet paper, he had never heard of someone stealing a toilet. It cost the PRA more than $3,000 to replace the stainless-steel toilet, which appeared to have been carefully removed. “They had a disgusting job,” said Homme.
WRONG KIND OF SNAKE
In February 2005, Shannon Scavotto of St. Petersburg, Florida, was getting ready for work when he lifted the lid of his toilet to discard a tissue…and a snake stuck its head out of the bowl. Scavotto quickly called local animal control. When they told him it would cost $150 to have the snake removed, he decided to make his own snake-catching device out of PVC pipe and string. Scavotto lassoed the snake around its head and started pulling…and pulling…and pulling…“It was one of those five levels of realization,” he told the
St. Petersburg Times
. “How big is this snake?” It turned out to be a six-foot African python. Scavotto has no idea how it got there, but it has given him a new worry in life: “Makes me wonder now when I go to the restroom.” (Us, too.)
Calvin Coolidge’s will was only 23 words long. (He left everything to his wife.)
POLICE LOG
Police officer Craig Clancy walked into a public bathroom stall at a San Antonio auto auction, pulled his pants down…and accidentally dropped his gun, shooting the man in the next stall. The falling pistol, which the officer tried to grab, somehow went off…
twice
. The victim was hospitalized but not seriously injured, according to police.
PAY TOILET
A 29-year-old German man was taking some money to the bank for his boss in June 2005. On the way, he stopped at a public rest-room to relieve himself, then continued on to the bank. Five minutes later he realized he’d left the money—36,000 euros (almost $43,000) which he was carrying in a plastic bag—behind. He ran back to get it but, not surprisingly, it was gone. Police said the man’s story appeared to be genuine, since he was not insured for such a situation and he would probably have to repay the money to the company himself.
LOADED
Fifty-three-year-old John Jenkins, an operator at a power plant in Morgantown, West Virginia, entered a portable toilet at work, sat down, and lit a cigarette. Bad idea. The ensuing explosion threw him off the toilet and out the door. “When I struck the lighter, the whole thing just detonated,” he said. “The whole top blew off.” The explosion was apparently caused by a faulty pipe beneath the unit that had collected methane gas inside it. Jenkins suffered burns on his legs, arm, and face, and sued the plant for $10 million.