Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (44 page)

THE SMOKELESS ASHTRAY:
A plastic ashtray with a little fan that sucks smoke
in
. “Does cigarette and cigar smoke offend you? Does smoke irritate your eyes? If it does, you need the new Smokeless Ash tray…. Helps clear the air you breathe. If you smoke, buy one and be considerate of those who don’t smoke. If you don’t smoke, buy one for those who do. Buy two or three. They really do make great Christmas gifts. And they’re only $9.98!”

POCKET FISHERMAN:
A fishing rod and reel that fold into a small carrying case. “Attaches to your belt…or fits in the glove compartment of your car!”

MIRACLE MOP:
For $19.95, you get the original self-wringing mop “with a twistable shaft that lets you wring out the head without putting your hands into the dirty water!”

THE BUTTONEER:
“The problem with buttons is they always fall off.
The problem with buttons is they always fall off
. And when they do, don’t sew them on the old-fashioned way with needle and thread. Use The Buttoneer, the new automatic button fastener that attaches any kind of button!…Repair upholstery, pleat draperies, attach appliqués, ribbons, decorate toys, dolls…it’s The Buttoneer!”

THE RONCO BOTTLE AND JAR CUTTER:
“An exciting way to recycle throwaway bottles and jars into decorative glassware, centerpieces, thousands of things!…A hobby for Dad, craft for the kids, a great gift for Mom. The Ronco Bottle and Jar Cutter. Only $7.77!”

THE RONCO RHINESTONE AND STUD SETTER:
A gizmo that attaches rhinestones and studs to jackets and jeans. “It changes everyday clothing into exciting fashions!…For young or old, the Ronco Rhinestone and Stud Setter is great fun!” Later marketed on TV as The Bedazzler.

Until recently, all movies made in Hong Kong—including “chop sockey” low-budget martial arts films—legally had to have English subtitles, because it was a British colony. But chop sockey producers spend as little on translations as possible—typically it might take only two days and $128 to translate a whole film. In
Sex and Zen & a Bullet in the Head,
Stefan Hammond and Michael Wilkins list some of the most ludicrous chop sockey subtitles. (These are real!)

“You’re a bad guy, where’s your library card?”

“How can you use my intestines as a gift?”

“Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.”

“Check if there’s a hole in my underpants.”

“No! I saw a vomiting crab.”

“Damn you, stink man!”

“You’re stain!”

“Bump him dead.”

“Suck the coffin mushroom now.”

“A big fool, with a gun, go to war. Surrendered and turned to a cake.”

“You bastard, try this melon.”

‘‘Noodles? Forget it. Try my fist.”

“Brother, my pants are coming out.”

“Get out, you smurk!”

“Don’t you feel the stink smell?”

“Take my advice or I’ll spank you without pants.”

“You cheat ghosts to eat tofu?”

“I’m not Jesus Christ, I’m Bunny.”

“You’re bad. You make my busts up and down.”

“He’s Big Head Man, he is lousing around.”

“She’s terrific. I can’t stand her.”

“You daring lousy guy.”

“Well! Masturbate in hell!”

“The fart of God.” “What does it mean?” “With a remarkable sound.”

“Okay, I’ll Bastare, show your guts.”

“Suddenly my worm are all healed off.”

“And you thought. I’m gabby bag.”

The most famous girl sleuth in history had her own secret for over
60
years: the identity of her creator.

T
HE MYSTERY

As every fan knows, the author of the Nancy Drew series is Carolyn Keene. She began writing about the girl detective in 1930 (debut adventure:
The Secret of the Old Clock)
, and today her work is as popular as ever. There are more than 20 million Nancy Drew books currently in print, in 18 languages.

The only problem: There
is
no person named Carolyn Keene—the name was invented by a man named Edward Stratemeyer. For over 60 years it was assumed that his daughter, Harriet Stratemeyer Adams, really wrote the books. Then in 1968, a real-life amateur sleuth uncovered the whole truth.

THE CLUES

1.
It was Edward Stratemeyer who first conceived the broad outlines of Nancy Drew, the 16-year-old amateur detective, in 1930
.

• Stratemeyer started out writing “dime novels’5 in the 1890s. During the Spanish-American War, he invented a fantastically popular series of juvenile stories starring the Rover Boys. Then he created teenage scientist Tom Swift and the Bobbsey Twins.

• In 1906, he realized he couldn’t write stories fast enough to keep up with demand. So he began hiring newspaper reporters to write books from his plot outlines, paying them between $50 and $250 per novel. They never got credit—Stratemeyer made them sign a contract giving up all rights to their work, renouncing royalties, and promising never to reveal their identities.

• Thus the Stratemeyer Syndicate was born. By the 1920s, the syndicate was producing and selling millions of books a year. They starred Baseball Joe, Dave Dashaway, Bomba the Jungle Boy, the Motor Girls, and many more. In 1927, Stratemeyer invented one of his most popular series, the Hardy Boys (and its “author,” F. W. Dixon).

• By the time of his death, Stratemeyer had developed more than 800 books for children and teenagers under 88 different pseudonyms. Just before he died in 1930, he came up with the idea that would be the Syndicate’s biggest seller—Nancy Drew.

2.
Stratemeyer’s daughter, Harriet, took over the Syndicate. She later said she found the first three Nancy Drew manuscripts among her father’s possessions.

• After graduating from Wellesley College in 1915, Adams went to work for her father—but not as a writer. Ironically, Stratemeyer didn’t feel that women should work. “If they did,” Adams recalled, “it was a disgrace and meant their fathers couldn’t support them.”

• Nevertheless, when Stratemeyer passed away in 1930, Adams and her sister took over the business. In the next 50 years, she outproduced her father, and is credited with writing 180 books and originating the plots for 1,200 others.

• Adams said that her father wrote the first three Nancy Drew books himself, and that in 1930, she found them, cleaned them up, and sent them off to be published. Then she took over the series and wrote the rest of them. Throughout her life, Adams was celebrated as the “real Carolyn Keene.”

3.
But there was a disparity between Nancy Drew and Adams’s other characters.

• Nancy was independent, quick-thinking, in charge—a proto-feminist; Adams’s other creations, like the Dana Girls, were flat and conventional.

• Critics and fans were puzzled by this. In a long analysis of the Nancy Drew series in
The Horn Book
, for example, Anne Scott MacLeod concluded that

      
What Harriet Adams achieved in Nancy Drew was, apparently, as accidental as it was monumental. “If I made Nancy liberated, I was unconscious of the fact,” Mrs. Adams said in 1980. It is ungenerous, but entirely believable. Adams’s portraits of other women [in her other books]…seem ample evidence that she was [not] a feminist.

MYSTERY SOLVED

Adams wasn’t a feminist—but Mildred Wirt Benson was.

In 1968 Geoffrey S. Lapin, a Nancy Drew fan, tracked Benson down in Toledo, Ohio. The 87-year-old had been working there as a reporter for 50 years—and was still writing a weekly column for the
Toledo Blade
called “On the Go with Millie Benson.”

But back in 1930, she was a reporter for the
Des Moines Register.
Edward Stratemeyer approached her about writing the first Nancy Drew story. He gave her a one-paragraph outline and paid her $125. She produced
The Secret of the Old Clock
.

At first, Stratemeyer wasn’t happy with the character Benson had created. He felt Nancy was too independent and bossy at a time when girls were supposed to be delicate and dependent on men. But he had a deadline, and sent the manuscript to the publisher anyway.

By 1934—four years after the first Nancy Drew story was published—the series had outsold every other children’s book in existence. Girls loved Nancy because she showed that they could have experiences on an equal level with boys. Benson told a reporter later:

      
I sort of liked the character from the beginning. Now that kind of woman is common, but then it was a new concept, though not to me. I just naturally thought that girls could do the things boys did.

THE REAL NANCY DREW

“Mrs. Benson’s life has tended to resemble her heroine’s,” commented a critic in the
New York Times.
“A doctor’s daughter, she was the first woman to get a master’s degree in journalism from the University of Iowa. She was [also] an accomplished pilot who “made nine solo trips to Central America to study pre-Columbian archaeology.”

Benson wrote 26 of the first 30 Nancy Drew books, but never revealed her identity. She didn’t want a lawsuit from the Stratemeyer Syndicate and besides, she “didn’t want to get pestered.”

After being discovered by Lapin, Benson was elected to the Ohio Women’s Hall of Fame in 1993 and was honored by the University of Iowa at the first Nancy Drew Conference the same year.

Did she enjoy the attention? Well, yes, she admitted to the
New York Times
, but added: “I’m so sick of Nancy Drew I could vomit.”

Here’s the latest BRI collection of “Nudes in the News.”

T
HE NAKED USHERETTE

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil—‘During a screening of
The Exorcist
at La Pampa Cinema in 1974, the audience was distracted by an usherette scampering backward and forward across the screen pursuing a rat with a mop. To cries of ‘Get them off!’ she started to disrobe. It was while dancing naked in front of the screen that she noticed the auditorium being cleared by armed police. Explaining her behavior, the usherette said later: ‘I thought the audience was calling for me. I was as surprised as anyone.’”

—
Star Billing
, by David Brown

WHAT, NO DERBYS?

SEDGLEY, England—“Last May, police investigated claims that smartly dressed men were stripping off their suits and dancing naked in woodland near Penn Common, on the edge of the Black Country. ‘We just do not know what these men are up to,’ said Superintendent Malcolm Gough.

“ ‘It’s been going on and off for about a year now, although it seems to stop after November,’ said resident Judy Bardburn. She added: ‘People who have seen them say that all they wear are black shoes and black socks.’”

—Fortean Times
#90

COUNTRY COMFORT

NASHVILLE, Tennessee—“When singer-songwriter Kristi Lockwood said she was looking for a little exposure, she meant it.

“Wearing only cowboy boots and a cowboy hat Wednesday, Lockwood strolled down the city’s famous Music Row, stunning other onlookers.

“ ‘Yeah, I saw Lady Godiva walking around,’ said George McLain, who works at a recording company. ‘She looked at us, and said “Hi guys.” It was pretty amazing.’ ”

The singer admitted she was doing it all for the publicity.

She said she’d been in Nashville for three years, “working real hard on my voice and getting good feedback on my songs, but nobody was paying much attention.”

The police did. After getting a few calls, they found Lockwood, covered her, cited her for indecent exposure, and took her home.

—Nashville Banner,
February 15, 1996

GEN. BUTT NAKED

MONROVIA, Liberia—“In the annals of Liberia’s civil war, nothing tops the tale of Gen. Butt Naked. Nude except for lace-up leather shoes and a gun, the general would lead his Butt Naked Battalion—which was famed for its fearlessness and brutality—into battle. Why no clothes? The general says he believed ‘it ensured protection from his enemies.’

“As the war wound down, so did Gen. Butt Naked’s commitment to kill, until he gave it up and became an evangelical preacher. Today he wears a suit and tie as he roams the battered capital with a microphone preaching peace and reconciliation.”