Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (58 page)

JAWS

(The ads showed a gaping shark’s mouth
.) “If sharks can yawn, that’s presumably what this one is doing. It’s certainly what I was doing all through this picture.”

—The New Republic,
1975

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN
DWARFS

“Snow White
is a failure in every way. As a moving figure she is unreal, as a face and body she is absurd, and what she does is ludicrous….Another
Snow White
will sound the Disney death-knell.”

—Current History,
1938

THE EMPIRE

STRIKES BACK

“Malodorous offal…. Everything is stale, limp, desperately stretched out, and pretentious. Harrison Ford offers loutishness for charm, and becomes the epitome of the interstellar drugstore cowboy.”

—National Review,
1980

Here’s a “strange lawsuits” for celebrity junkies—people who read
People
magazine.

T
HE PLAINTIFF:
Elton John

THE DEFENDANT:
The
Sunday Mirror
, an English newspaper

THE LAWSUIT:
In 1992, the
Mirror
claimed that John had been spitting out chewed hors d’oeuvres at a Hollywood party, calling it a “new diet.” The singer had recently gone public about his bulimia; he sued because “the story implied he was a sham”…and because he wasn’t even at the party.

THE VERDICT:
The singer was awarded $518,000 in damages. The
Mirror
issued a formal apology admitting the story was bogus.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Catherine Deneuve, French movie star

THE DEFENDANT:
Outspoken Enterprises, Inc., a San Francisco magazine publisher

THE LAWSUIT:
For five years, Outspoken Enterprises published
Deneuve
magazine. By 1996, it had 200,000 readers—making it one of the largest magazines for lesbians in the United States. The editor claimed the title was inspired by “the name of her first love,” not the actress. But Catherine Deneuve didn’t believe it. In January, 1996, she sued for trademark infringement.

THE VERDICT:
The suit was apparently dropped when the magazine voluntarily changed its name to
Curve.

THE PLAINTIFFS:
French sexpot Brigitte Bardot and her neighbor, Jean-Pierre Manivet

THE DEFENDANTS:
Jean-Pierre Manivet and Brigitte Bardot

THE LAWSUIT:
Not surprisingly, it’s about sex. In 1989, Bardot and Manivet lived next to each other on the French Riviera. Bardot owned a female donkey, Mimosa, and a mare, Duchesse; Manivet had a male donkey named Charly. Bardot, an animal activist, agreed to let Charly graze with her animals. But when Charly “began to show male instincts toward the old mare,” he lost his rights—Bardot had him castrated. Manivet was out of town at the time; when he returned, he sued Bardot for 4,500 francs (about $950) in damages, plus 10,000 for “moral prejudice.” Bardot countersued, claiming Manivet’s publicity about the case had harmed her image.

THE VERDICT:
Everyone lost. The court ruled it was within Bardot’s rights to “fix” the donkey, but not to protect her “image.”

THE PLAINTIFF:
Richard Belzer, of TV’s
Homicide: Life on the Street

THE DEFENDANTS:
Hulk Hogan and Mr. T., professional wrestlers

THE LAWSUIT:
In 1985, Belzer hosted a cable talk show called “
Hoc Properties
.” Hogan and Mr. T. appeared on one program as guests. According to news reports, the interview was “merely awkward” until Belzer asked them to show him some wrestling moves.

      
“I’m going to make him squeal,” Hogan chuckled as he stood up.” Mr. T. urged “the Hulkster” to show Belzer a “Pipsqueak Sandwich.”

          
While the band played Chopin’s funeral march in the background—and a Manhattan studio audience, including 50 children in wheelchairs, who had been invited to the show, watched in horror—Hogan demonstrated his “front chin lock.” After a few seconds, the comedian collapsed. He recovered briefly—long enough to break for a commercial—and then he was taken by ambulance to Mount Sinai Hospital where nine stitches were taken in his scalp.

Belzer sued the two wrestlers for $5 million.

THE VERDICT:
In 1988, the case was settled out of court.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Michael B. Mukasey, stepfather of singer Mariah Carey

THE DEFENDANT:
Mariah Carey

THE LAWSUIT:
In 1993, Mukasey filed suit claiming that Carey had promised to let him market “singing dolls that looked like her.” Underlying the lawsuit: His contention that he deserved a share of her earnings because “he helped her achieve stardom by…providing transportation to rehearsals and paying for dental work.”

THE VERDICT:
Case dismissed.

Now it’s time to find out how much you know about oldies from the 1960s. See
page 495
for the answers.

1.
The Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit”—inspired by
Alice in Wonderland
—was one of the rock classics of the 1960s. What prompted singer Grace Slick to write it?

a) The rest of the group locked her in a room and told her not to come out until she’d written some songs.

b) She read
Alice
to her niece and couldn’t get over how “psychedelic” the story was.

c) She went to a Halloween party and saw Janis Joplin dressed as Alice.

2.
“Summer in the City” was the Lovin’ Spoonful’s biggest hit, a #1 song in 1966. It was co-written by Spoonful leader John Sebastian and…

a) Tommy Gershwin, nephew of composer George Gershwin. He adapted it from an unpublished piece of music his uncle had left him.

b) Mark Sebastian, John’s brother. According to legend, Mark submitted the lyrics as a poem in his high school English class…and got an “F” on them. John didn’t think they were so bad and put them to music.

c) Grace Slick. She’d just finished “White Rabbit” and was looking for something new to work on.

3.
Roy Orbison hit #1 in 1964 with “Pretty Woman.” How did he come up with the idea for the song?

a) His wife announced she was going to buy groceries.

b) His wife announced she was pregnant.

c) His wife announced she was leaving him.

4.
In 1962, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons were rudely interrupted while recording their soon-to-be #1 song, “Walk Like a Man.” What happened?

a) The studio was robbed. The thieves took their money, jewelry…and all the instruments.

b) The building was on fire—fire fighters were smashing down the studio door as the group desperately tried to finish the recording.

c) A gang of fans broke down the door and chased the group all over the studio—finally cornering them in the men’s room. Police had to rescue them.

5.
In 1969, a group called Steam hit #1 with a pop tune called “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye.” How did they wind up with that title (which is also the chorus)?

a) One of the musicians was a Native American whose tribal name was “Nah nah hay-hay.”

b) They couldn’t think of any words, so they just stuck in some nonsense syllables.

c) One of the musician’s kids, a three-year-old, came up with it.

6.
In 1964, jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong became the oldest artist ever to have a #1 song when his version of “Hello, Dolly” topped the charts. Why did he record the song?

a) “Dolly” was his first wife’s name.

b) It was a publicity gimmick. He cut a deal with David Merrick, the show’s producer: If Armstrong’s record made the Top 10, Merrick said he’d pay the trumpeter an extra $100,000.

c) Someone gave it to Armstrong at the recording session. He’d never heard of the musical or the song, but thought it was decent enough to record.

7.
Which of these classic 1960s rock songs was made up spontaneously—right in the middle of a live performance?

a) “When a Man Loves a Woman,” by Percy Sledge

b) “All You Need Is Love,” by the Beatles

c) “My Boyfriend’s Back’ by the Angels

Room with a view: Among the amenities that Gustave Eiffel designed for the tower was a penthouse apartment at the top, complete with a grand piano and spotlights for shining on other Paris monuments. He built it for his own use.

E
IGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD

Most advances in architecture and engineering are incremental. If, for instance, you wanted to build the world’s first 10-story building, you’d expect to study the construction techniques of 8-and 9-story buildings first.

But Gustave Eiffel didn’t have that luxury. No one had ever built an iron tower like his of
any
size…let alone one that was twice as tall as the tallest building on earth.

AN ENGINEERING GENIUS

To accomplish his task, Eiffel devised some incredibly ingenious techniques:

• Unlike other massive engineering projects of the day, he had nearly all of the parts used in the tower prefabricated off-site in his workshops. This meant that when they arrived at the tower, the parts could be quickly riveted into place with a minimum of fuss.

• The rivet holes themselves were predrilled to a tolerance of one-tenth of one millimeter, making it possible for the twenty riveting teams to drive an average of 1,650 rivets a day.

• None of the girders used in the tower was permitted to weigh more than three tons. This made it possible to use smaller cranes to lift everything into place. As Joseph Harris writes in
The Tallest Tower:

      
Eiffel had learned that using small components was faster and safer, even if this method did require more riveting, for cranes could be smaller and more mobile. The chances of accidents were reduced, and if one did occur the consequences were less serious. Use of bigger girders would have slowed the entire operation and required more expensive and complicated construction methods.

Thanks to these and other safety measures, the Eiffel Tower—the world’s tallest construction site—was also one of the safest. Of the hundreds of people who worked on the tower, only one, a riveter’s assistant named Dussardin, fell to his death.

THE PIERS

In the early days of the project, there were actually four construction sites at the Eiffel Tower, one for each foot, or “pier.” These piers did not join together until the 180-foot level…and once this point was reached, they had to be set
perfectly
level with one another to create a perfectly horizontal platform on which the remaining 800 feet of the tower could be built. If the piers were even slightly out of alignment, the tiniest discrepancy at the base of the tower would be magnified at the top: it would appear to lean.

Eiffel knew there was no way he could
guarantee
the piers would be vertical when finished—the margin for error was too great. So he installed temporary hydraulic pistons in the base of each of the feet. That way, as work on the tower progressed, he could “finetune” the entire tower into perfect alignment by slightly raising or lowering each foot. When the tower was properly aligned, workers could drive iron wedges into the piers to secure them permanently.

As it turned out, Eiffel had little to worry about. Even at the 180-foot level, the worst of the four massive piers was less than 2 1/2 inches out of alignment. All four were easily adjusted and secured in place. Even today, the tower is perfectly vertical.

FINIS

The Eiffel Tower was a marvel—not just for its ingenuity of design, but also because it was completed ahead of schedule and under budget. The Exposition was scheduled to open on May 6; work on the tower was finished on March 31.

Eiffel & Company earned back its money in record time. During the six months of the Exposition alone, the tower earned back more than $1.4 million of its $1.6 million construction cost; that, combined with the $300,000 subsidy provided by the French government, pushed the tower into the black even before the Exposition closed.