Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (57 page)

Vulture pie:
A pizza “with too many problems to send out to a customer,” fit only as food for vultures—or employees.

Zap zits:
Pop the bubbles in a pizza crust as it cooks.

Athletes are notoriously superstitious. But these “curses” are just fun…Right?

T
HE CURSE OF WRIGLEY FIELD

Curse:
The Cubs will never make it to a World Series again

Origin:
“As the story goes, the late Bill Sianis, founder of the Billy Goat’s Tavern, tried to bring his pet goat into Wrigley Field [during the World Series] in 1945,” wrote Mike Royko in the
Chicago Tribune
. “He was turned away because the goat smelled. That’s when the curse was placed…and they haven’t been in a World Series since.”

The curse at work:
Most years since 1945, the Cubs haven’t even been in contention for a National League pennant. The club hasn’t put together consecutive winning seasons since 1972.

• They finally won a division championship in 1984 and took the first two games in the best-of-five playoff series with the Padres. Then they lost three straight.

• They went back to the playoffs in 1989 and lost again.

• In 1997, the Cubs gave a beer company permission to use the curse as part of an ad campaign. They opened the season with a record-breaking 0-14 losing streak, their worst start in 121 years.

Status:
Curse-lifting has been attempted on a number of occasions. The then-current owner of the Billy Goat Tavern once went on “The Tonight Show” with a goat; it didn’t work. In Royko’s column, he blamed the “curse” on racism. The Cubs were slow to bring in black players in the late ’40s, he said, which doomed them to poor teams in the ’50s. Weird coincidence: Royko’s column on the Cubs’ curse was the last he ever wrote. He died shortly after.

THE CURSE OF THE BAMBINO

Curse:
The Boston Red Sox will never win a World Series again.

Origin:
On Jan. 5,1920, Red Sox owner Harry Frazee announced he’d sold Babe “the Bambino” Ruth to the New York Yankees. Frazee got $100,000, plus a $300,000 loan for a mortgage at Fenway Park. The New York Yankees got the best player in baseball—a national treasure. The punishment for exchanging a gift of the gods for cold, crass cash? This curse.

The curse at work:
Since then, the Yankees have won 34 pennants and 23 World Series. The Red Sox have won four pennants and lost all four World Series in heartbreaking fashion.

• 1946. After leading three games to two (in a best-of-seven series), Boston lost two in a row.

• 1967. They took the series to seven games against the Cardinals…and lost.

• 1975. In Game 6, Carlton Fisk’s homer in the 12th inning gave Boston a 7-6 victory against Cincinnati in one of the most dramatic moments in baseball history. But the Reds still won Game 7, 4-3.

• 1986. Boston led the New York Mets three games to two. They were winning 5-4 in Game 6, with two outs and two strikes on the Met batter. It looked like the curse was about to be broken. Then disaster hit: The Mets tied the game on a wild pitch by the Red Sox pitcher, and the batter hit a grounder that went through Red Sox first-baseman Bill Buckner’s legs; the Mets won the game, 6-5. Naturally, the Red Sox lost Game 7, too.

Status:
People in Boston will stop believing in it when the Red Sox win a championship—and not a moment before.

THE CURSE OF COLAVITO

Curse:
For trading slugger Rocky Colavito in 1960, the Cleveland Indians were doomed to bad baseball and bad luck.

Origin:
April 17, 1960 was known as “the day Cleveland baseball died.” That’s the day the 26-year-old Colavito, hero of Indian fans, was dealt to the Detroit Tigers for a fading shortstop.

The curse at work:
From 1960-93, the Indians finished no higher than third place—and that happened only once, in 1968.

• Bad luck ranged from player troubles—eg., in 1961, top young pitcher Sam McDowell, in his
first
major league start, broke two ribs throwing a fastball—to fan troubles: In June, 1974 they tried a 10¢ Beer Night; drunk fans poured onto the field, forcing a forfeit.

• July 1994-With Cleveland poised to reach the postseason for the first time since 1954, the players went on strike.

Status:
Is it over? Hard to tell. The Indians made it to the World Series in 1995, but the best-hitting team in baseball batted .179 and lost in six games. Cleveland led the majors with 99 wins in ‘96, but choked against Baltimore in the divisional playoffs. As we write this, the Indians are in the World Series again. Maybe this time…

Here’s more dialogue from a recently rediscovered radio show featuring Groucho and Chico Marx—Five Star Theater, which aired in 1933
.

(Phone rings)

MISS DIMPLE:
Law offices of Beagle, Shyster, and Beagle …Mr. Beagle? I expect him back from court any minute …

Door opens; footsteps heard.

MISS DIMPLE:
Good morning, Mr. Beagle. How did you make out in court?

GROUCHO:
Splendid, splendid, Miss Dimple. I got my client off.

MISS DIMPLE:
You got him off?

GROUCHO:
Yes, I got him off the streets for six months. They put him in the workhouse.

MISS DIMPLE:
Oh…Well, there’s a man out here who wants to talk to you about a job. (
Footsteps approach.)

GROUCHO:
Tell him I’ll take it. But I won’t work for less than a hundred dollars a week.

MISS DIMPLE:
You misunderstand. He wants a job here.

GROUCHO:
Oh, he wants a job. I think I can put him to work.

CHICO:
I don’t wanna work. I just wanna job.

GROUCHO:
Hmm-m How about references?

CHICO:
Aw, that’s awright. You don’t need no references. I like your face.

GROUCHO:
And I like your face—if it is a face. Have you had any experience?

CHICO:
You bet. For 15 years I’ve been a musician.

GROUCHO:
A musician? What do you get an hour?

CHICO:
Well, for playing I get ten dollars an hour.

GROUCHO:
What do you get for not playing?

CHICO:
Twelve dollars an hour.

GROUCHO:
That’s more like it.

CHICO:
Now for rehearsing I make a special rate—that’s 15 dollars an hour.

GROUCHO:
What do you get for not rehearsing?

CHICO:
Oh, you couldn’t afford that. You see, if I no rehearse I no play. And if I no play, that runs into money.

GROUCHO:
What would you want to run into an open manhole?

CHICO:
Just the cover charge.

GROUCHO:
Well, drop in some time.

CHICO:
Sewer.

GROUCHO:
I guess we’ve cleaned that up. Now go out and find some clients.

CHICO:
Hey! We no speak about money.

GROUCHO:
That suits me fine. If you promise not to say anything about it, I won’t mention it either.

CHICO:
Alright, but I gotta have more money.

GROUCHO:
I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give you 50 dollars a week and you can bring your own lunch.

CHICO:
Well…

GROUCHO:
Ok, I’ll go even further. I’ll give you 50 dollars a week and you can bring lunch for me too.

CHICO:
I can’t live on fifty dollars a week.

GROUCHO:
That will make me very happy. You’re hired.

CHICO:
When do I start?

GROUCHO:
Well, it’s one o’clock now. If you start now you can be back here at three with lunch. Bring me a cheese sandwich on white bread.

CHICO:
I no gotta white bread, but I can give you rye.

GROUCHO:
All right, then I’ll take a quart of rye.

(applause, commercial break)

GROUCHO:
Today is Monday. What have we have got on the books besides red ink? What’s on the court calendar for this afternoon?

MISS DIMPLE:
You know you have a suit on today.

GROUCHO:
Certainly I have a suit on today. Do you expect me to come in my nightshirt? I only wear that for night court. Where’s that assistant I hired last week?

MISS DIMPLE:
Oh, Mr. Ravelli. He just phoned.

GROUCHO:
Oh, he phoned, did he? Where did he get the quarter? He’s been holding out on me. Say, I thought I told him to go out find some clients.

MISS DIMPLE:
He said as soon as he finds a client he’ll come see you.

GROUCHO:
Oh, so he’ll come in to see me. I suppose he doesn’t think I’m good enough to go out and see him! Maybe he’s ashamed to let me see where he lives. Where
does
he live?

MISS DIMPLE:
He’s been living here in the office ever since you hired him.

GROUCHO:
No wonder he’s ashamed.

MEANWHILE…

(street noises)

CHICO
(yelling): Anybody want a lawyer? Nice fresh lawyer today? You want a lawyer, lady? Alright, it don’t hurt to ask, you know. Hey, mister, how about you? You wouldn’t want a lawyer, would you?

MAN:
How do you know I wouldn’t?

CHICO:
Well, you wouldn’t want this one.

MAN:
As a matter of fact, I want a lawyer and I want one bad.

CHICO:
I got just the man for you. He’s terrible.

MAN:
Well then, leave me alone. I got no use for your lawyer.

CHICO:
Well, I got no use for him either, but I gotta get a client.

MAN:
Say, what are you trying to do? Lay off me or I’ll call a cop.

CHICO:
You want to sue me? I got a good lawyer for you.

MAN:
Oh, you…Officer, will you keep this nuisance away from me?

COP
(Irish): Here you…move along, you’re obstructing traffic.

CHICO:
You want a lawyer?

COP:
What would I be wantin’ a lawyer for?

CHICO:
I don’t know. Take him home, wash him up, show him to the kids.

COP:
Listen, what are you trying to do?

CHICO:
My boss sent me down here to get clients.

COP:
Well, you’re not going to get any clients for a lawyer standing around here.

CHICO:
At’sa fine. How am I gonna get clients?

COP:
Hustle around….Use your imagination….But move along.

LATER…

(door opens; footsteps heard)

CHICO:
Hey, Mr. Flywheel! I gotta client. This lady, she wants to see you.

We’ll be back in a few pages with the conclusion Check out
page 407

Doesn’t it bother you when a movie you love gets a thumbs-down from those two bozos on TV? Us, too.
The Critics Were Wrong,
by Ardis Sillick and Michael McCormick, compiles hundreds of misguided movie reviews like these.

THE WIZARD OF OZ

“Displays no trace of imagination, good taste or ingenuity…It’s a stinkeroo.”

—The New Yorker,
1939

LOVE ME TENDER

(Elvis’s first film)

“[Presley is] a young man of hulk and probably flabby muscle, with a degenerate face, who sings emasculated innuendos in a southern drawl as he strums guitar. The weak mouth seems to sneer, even in repose, and the large, heavy-lidded eyes seem open only to be on the lookout for opportunities for self-indulgence….How a society as dynamic as our own throws up such a monstrosity is beyond the scope of this review.”

—Films in Review,
1956

STAR WARS

“O dull new world! It is all as exciting as last year’s weather reports….all trite characters and paltry verbiage.”

—
New York
, 1977