Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (17 page)

“I discovered I scream the same way, whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”

—Kevin James

Who hosted America’s first beauty pageant? P. T. Barnum, in 1854.

SONG-WRONGERS

Politicians don’t commission original campaign songs anymore. Instead, they like to use well-known popular songs, often without payment or permission. Here are some of the song stealers who got caught
.

I
nfringer:
Bob Dole

Song:
“Soul Man”

Story:
During the 1996 presidential campaign, Sam Moore, a member of the popular 1960s R&B duo Sam and Dave (who also wrote the theme song from
Shaft),
rerecorded one of the duo’s biggest hits, “Soul Man,” for the presidential campaign of Bob Dole, substituting “I’m a Dole man” for “I’m a soul man.” The song was originally written by Isaac Hayes and David Porter, and they were not happy with Moore’s version. “People may get the impression that David and I endorse Bob Dole,” Hayes told the
New York Daily News,
“which we don’t.” And Rondor Music International, the music publishing company that owned the song, threatened to sue for $100,000 for every unauthorized use of “Soul Man.” The campaign immediately stopped using the song, and no lawsuit was filed. But the Dole campaign then tried to use the Bruce Springsteen song “Born in the USA,” again without permission. Ronald Reagan had done the same in 1984, and, just as he had done with Reagan, “The Boss” (and his lawyers) forced Dole to stop. After that, Dole’s aides finally
asked
a songwriter for permission, and Eddie Rabbitt allowed them to use “American Boy” as their campaign song.

Infringer:
Joe Walsh

Song:
“Walk Away”

Story:
In January 2010, Illinois Republican politician Joe Walsh, who was running for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives, changed the lyrics to the 1971 song “Walk Away,” written by guitarist Joe Walsh in his pre-Eagles days, and used it in a campaign video on his website. Musician Walsh had his lawyer, Peter Paterno, write the campaign a letter: “Given that your name is Joe Walsh, I’d think you’d want to be extra careful about using Joe’s music in case the public might think that Joe is endorsing your campaign, or, God forbid,
is
you.” Walsh the politician’s response: The song was parody and therefore permitted under copyright law, and “I am not backing down on this.” A month later he backed down, and the video was pulled.

ORD, the code for O’Hare Airport, comes from its original name, “Orchard Field.”

Infringer:
Barack Obama

Song:
“Hold On, I’m Coming”

Story:
In 2008 Sam Moore was back in the news when the Obama campaign used another Sam and Dave hit, “Hold On, I’m Coming,” as one of its theme songs without asking permission. Although Moore didn’t write the song, he sent them a letter asking them to stop, and the campaign complied. Eleven months later…Moore performed at one of Obama’s inaugural balls. (He sang “Soul Man.”)

Infringer:
Charles DeVore

Songs:
“The Boys of Summer,” “All She Wants to Do Is Dance”

Story:
Most unauthorized users of songs apologize and promise to never do it again, and that’s usually the end of it. But sometimes they fight back. Charles DeVore’s campaign to win the 2010 Republican senate primary in California used a knockoff of “The Boys of Summer” by Don Henley in a video mocking Barack Obama. (It was called “Hope of November.”) Henley complained, and the video was pulled. But then DeVore did it again, ripping off Henley’s “All She Wants to Do is Dance” for a song called “All She Wants to Do Is Tax” about his opponent, Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer. (DeVore actually wrote both parodies himself.) Henley had enough, and he filed a lawsuit against DeVore for copyright infringement. DeVore fought back, claiming the songs were parodies and therefore protected by free speech. In June 2010, a judge ruled that DeVore was wrong: Parody involves mocking the thing being parodied, in this case Henley’s songs. DeVore’s songs didn’t do that; they were used to comment on something else entirely—Barack Obama and Barbara Boxer—which made them
satires,
not parodies. Henley won the case, making him the first musician to successfully sue a politician for stealing a song. (No word on how much DeVore had to pay, but he lost the election.)

More than 100 descendants of Johann Sebastian Bach have been church organists.

HAPPY WAFFLE IRON DAY!

…and other weird—but real—“holidays
.”

JANUARY:
National Soup Month

Jan. 10:
Peculiar People Day

Jan. 13:
Blame Someone Else Day

Jan. 22:
Answer Your Cat’s Question Day

FEBRUARY:
Pull Your Sofa Off the Wall Month

Feb. 9:
Read in the Bathtub Day

Feb. 20:
Hoodie Hoo Day

Feb. 23:
International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day

MARCH:
International Mirth Month

Mar. 9:
Panic Day

Mar. 28:
Something on a Stick Day

Mar. 29:
Festival of Smoke and Mirrors Day

APRIL:
Grilled Cheese Month

Apr. 4:
Hug a Newsman Day

Apr. 11:
Eight-Track Tape Day

Apr. 23:
Talk Like Shakespeare Day

MAY:
Revise Your Work Schedule Month

May 9:
Lost Sock Memorial Day

May 13:
Frog Jumping Day

May 27:
Cellophane Tape Day

JUNE:
Dairy Alternative Month

June 1:
Go Barefoot Day

June 19:
World Juggling Day

June 29:
Waffle Iron Day

JULY:
Doghouse Repairs Month

July 3:
Compliment Your Mirror Day

July 14:
National Nude Day

July 15:
Gummi Worm Day

July 17:
Wrong Way Day

AUGUST:
Foot Health Month

Aug. 12:
Middle Child’s Day

Aug. 20:
Bad Hair Day (Don King’s birthday)

Aug. 30:
Frankenstein Day

SEPTEMBER:
Pleasure Your Mate Month

Sept. 6:
Fight Procrastination Day

Sept. 11:
Make Your Bed Day

Sept. 16:
Collect Rocks Day

OCTOBER:
Sausage Month

Oct. 11:
National Kick Butt Day

Oct. 14:
Be Bald and Be Free Day

Oct. 30:
Haunted Refrigerator Night

NOVEMBER:
Beard Month

Nov. 2:
Deviled Egg Day

Nov. 6:
I Love Nachos Day

Nov. 20:
Absurdity Day

Nov. 21:
False Confession Day

DECEMBER:
National Tie Month

Dec. 4:
Wear Brown Shoes Day

Dec. 12:
National Ding-A-Ling Day

Dec. 30:
Festival of Enormous Changes at the Last Minute

Itchin’ cousins: Mangos and cashews are both related to poison ivy.

THE MALL: A HISTORY

Modern shopping malls are so common that we forget they’ve only been around for 50 years. Here’s the story of how they came to be…and the story of the man who invented them, Victor Gruen—the most famous architect you’ve never heard of
.

F
ATEFUL LAYOVER

In the winter of 1948, an architect named Victor Gruen got stranded in Detroit, Michigan, after his flight was cancelled due to a storm. Gruen made his living designing department stores, and rather than sit in the airport or in a hotel room, he paid a visit to Detroit’s landmark Hudson’s department store and asked the store’s architect to show him around.

The Hudson’s building was nice enough; the company prided itself on being one of the finest department stores in the entire Midwest. But downtown Detroit itself was pretty run-down, which was not unusual for an American city in that era. World War I (1914–18), followed by the Great Depression and then World War II (1939–45), had disrupted the economic life of the country, and decades of neglect of downtown areas had taken their toll.

STRIP JOINTS

The suburbs were even shabbier, as Gruen saw when he took a ride in the country and drove past ugly retail and commercial developments that seemed to blight every town.

The combination of dirt-cheap land, lax zoning laws, and rampant real estate speculation had spawned an era of unregulated and shoddy commercial development in the suburbs. Speculators threw up cheap, (supposedly) temporary buildings derisively known as “taxpayers” because the crummy eyesores barely rented for enough money to cover the property taxes on the lot. That was their purpose: Land speculators were only interested in covering their costs until the property rose in value and could be unloaded for a profit. Then the new owner could tear down the taxpayer and build something more substantial on the lot. But if the proliferation of crumbling storefronts, gas stations, diners, and fleabag hotels were any guide, few taxpayers were ever torn down.

It takes 2,000 handlers to guide the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloons through the 43-block parade.

The unchecked growth in the suburbs was a problem for downtown department stores like Hudson’s, because their customers were moving there, too. Buying a house in suburbia was cheaper than renting an apartment downtown, and thanks to the G.I. Bill, World War II veterans could buy them with no money down.

Once these folks moved out to the suburbs, few of them wanted to return to the city to do their shopping. The smaller stores in suburban retail strips left a lot to be desired, but they were closer to home and parking was much easier than downtown, where a shopper might circle the block for a half hour or more before a parking space on the street finally opened up.

Stores like Hudson’s had made the situation worse by using their substantial political clout to block other department stores from building downtown. Newcomers such as Sears and J. C. Penney had been forced to build their stores in less desirable locations outside the city, but this disadvantage turned into an advantage when the migration to the suburbs began.

As he drove through the suburbs, Gruen envisioned a day when suburban retailers would completely surround the downtown department stores and drive them out of business.

SHOPPING AROUND

When Gruen returned home to New York City, he wrote a letter to the president of Hudson’s explaining that if the customers were moving out to the suburbs, Hudson’s should as well. For years Hudson’s had resisted opening branch stores outside the city. It had an image of exclusivity to protect, and opening stores in seedy commercial strips was no way to do that. But it was clear that something had to be done, and as Hudson’s president, Oscar Webber, read Gruen’s letter, he realized that here was a man who might be able to help. He offered Gruen a job as a real estate consultant, and soon Gruen was back driving around Detroit suburbs looking for a commercial strip worthy of the Hudson’s name.

The only problem: There weren’t any. Every retail development Gruen looked at was flawed in one way or another. Either it was too tacky even to be considered, or it was too close to downtown and risked stealing sales from the flagship store. Gruen recommended that the company develop a commercial property of its own. Doing so, he argued, offered a lot of advantages: Hudson’s wouldn’t have to rely on a disinterested landlord to maintain the property in keeping with Hudson’s image. And because Gruen proposed building an entire shopping center, one that would include other tenants, Hudson’s would be able to pick and choose which businesses moved in nearby.

Furthermore, by building a shopping center, Hudson’s would diversify its business beyond retailing into real estate development and commercial property management. And there was a bonus, Gruen argued: By concentrating a large number of stores in a single development, the shopping center would prevent ugly suburban sprawl. The competition that a well-designed, well-run shopping center presented, he reasoned, would discourage other businesses from locating nearby, helping to preserve open spaces in the process.

FOUR OF A KIND

Oscar Webber was impressed enough with Gruen’s proposal that he hired the architect to create a 20-year plan for the company’s growth. Gruen spent the next three weeks sneaking around the Detroit suburbs collecting data for his plan. Then he used the information to write up a proposal that called for developing not one but
four
shopping centers, to be named Northland, Eastland, Southland, and Westland Centers, each in a different suburb of Detroit. Gruen recommended that the company locate its shopping centers on the outer fringes of existing suburbs, where the land was cheapest and the potential for growth was greatest as the suburbs continued to expand out from downtown Detroit.

Hudson’s approved the plans and quietly began buying up land for the shopping centers. It hired Gruen to design them, even though he’d only designed two shopping centers before and neither was actually built. On June 4, 1950, Hudson’s announced its plan to build Eastland Center, the first of the four projects scheduled for development.