Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (75 page)

BOOK: Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@

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More films that required a lot of trial and error before casting the actors we’ve come to know in the roles. Can you imagine, for example
…

C
HRISTIAN BALE AS GEORGE W. BUSH
(W., 2008) After he was hired by director Oliver Stone, Bale
(Batman Begins)
spent months studying the president, but then dropped out just before filming began because he felt that his prosthetic makeup didn’t make him look enough like Bush. Stone hastily cast Josh Brolin instead. (Coincidentally, his father, James Brolin, had played Ronald Reagan in a 2003 TV movie.)

JULIA ROBERTS AS CATHERINE TRAMMELL
(Basic Instinct,
1992) Jodie Foster, Julia Roberts, and Kim Basinger were each offered the role of the seductive crime novelist, but all declined due to the graphic sex scenes. So director Paul Verhoeven cast Sharon Stone after seeing her play a seductive killer in 1990’s
Total Recall
. The male lead was turned down by Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Denzel Washington, Kurt Russell, Mickey Rourke, Alec Baldwin, Don Johnson, Tom Cruise, and Patrick Swayze. Michael Douglas finally signed on, but only after producers agreed to have his part rewritten as less “wimpy.”

JAKE GYLLENHAAL AS JAKE SULLY
(Avatar,
2009) James Cameron’s first choice was the little-known Australian actor Sam Worthington, but because 20th Century Fox was spending nearly half a billion dollars on the film, they told Cameron to audition Gyllenhaal and Matt Damon, both of whom were bigger boxoffice draws. “Honestly, did I go out and try to woo them? No,” admitted Cameron. “I had my heart set on Sam. Maybe Jake and Matt sensed my lack of 100% commitment.” Neither Damon nor Gyllenhaal wanted the role, so Cameron got Worthington, and Fox still made its half a billion back…and then some.

ROB LOWE AS REN McCORMACK
(Footloose,
1984) Tom Cruise and John Travolta both turned down the role of the highschool
kid who dares to dance in a town where dancing is banned, so Rob Lowe was cast. When Lowe injured his knee while dancing and had to quit, the producers asked Kevin Bacon to audition, based on his work in
Diner
. Bacon said no—he’d already accepted the lead in the Stephen King horror movie
Christine
. “If you get
Footloose,
” they told Bacon, “it will make you a star.” One minute into the audition, Bacon got the part (and it did make him a star).

FRANK SINATRA AND ANTHONY PERKINS AS JERRY AND JOE
(Some Like It Hot,
1959) Named by the American Film Institute as the “best comedy of all time,” this classic stars Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis as musicians who dress in drag and join an all-girl orchestra to hide from the Mob. Director Billy Wilder wanted Lemmon and Curtis, but the studio wanted bigger stars. Sinatra didn’t show up to a lunch meeting, and Perkins just “wasn’t right.” (Jerry Lewis declined because he didn’t want to wear women’s clothes.) Wilder got his first choices. A year later, Perkins starred in Alfred Hitchcock’s
Psycho,
the AFI’s “best thriller of all time.”

SANDRA BULLOCK AS MAGGIE FITZGERALD
(Million Dollar Baby,
2004) Bullock tried for several years to get this short story made into a film so she could star in it, but no studio wanted to finance a movie about a female boxer. Bullock gave up due to a contractual obligation to film
Miss Congeniality 2
. Director Clint Eastwood took over the project and secured some financing, but had to come up with half of the money himself. With Bullock unavailable, he hired Hilary Swank and shot the film on a shoestring budget in just 37 days. Result: The movie that no studio wanted ended up winning four Oscars, including Best Picture.

KEVIN KLINE AS SAM WHEAT
(Ghost,
1990) Writer Bruce J. Rubin told director Jerry Zucker
(Airplane!)
that Patrick Swayze should star. “You mean the
Dirty Dancing
guy?” asked Zucker. Zucker’s first choice was Kevin Kline, who declined. So did Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Kevin Bacon, Al Pacino, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Nicolas Cage, Mickey Rourke, David Duchovny, Johnny Depp, Chevy Chase, and Alec Baldwin. None of them believed in the ghostly love story. But Swayze did: “The script made me cry.” So Zucker reluctantly gave him an audition. Swayze got the part, and
Ghost
became 1990’s top-grossing movie worldwide.

More than 125 women are known to have posed as men and fought in the Civil War.

THE LLOYDS BANK TURD

It may sound gross, but it’s real and it’s considered a national “treasure.” And although we might wish we did, we didn’t make up the name—that’s really what it’s called. Get ready to learn about bathroom archaeology
.

B
EAUTY, SKIN DEEP

If you’ve ever been to the English city of York, you already know that it’s one of the most beautiful cities in the United Kingdom. Situated at the junction of the Ouse and Foss rivers, this onetime capital of the kingdom of Northumbria is home to picturesque cobblestone streets, elegant Tudor architecture, and York Minster Cathedral, one of the finest churches in England. York was one of the nation’s largest cities until the Industrial Revolution, when it was eclipsed by manufacturing centers like Sheffield and Birmingham. That may not have been good for the local economy, but it did preserve the city’s charm.

Alas, York wasn’t always the sparkling jewel that it is today. In the Middle Ages it was positively filthy, something King Edward III observed when he visited in the 14th century. He ordered that the streets be cleaned at once, noting that the “abominable smell abounding in the city…from dung and manure and filth and dirt,” was worse “than any other city in the realm.”

DOWN UNDER

Edward’s observation wasn’t unfounded. There have been settlements at York for more than 2,000 years, and one result of the continuous occupation of the site is that the modern city sits on a layer of densely compacted rubbish and filth that archaeologists estimate is about 10 feet deep.

Portions of this mass are remarkably well preserved, thanks to the fact that the soil in some parts of the city is waterlogged and largely oxygen free, preserving for more than 1,000 years things like wood, leather, cloth, and bone, most of which normally would have biodegraded completely in just a decade or two. Modern archaeologists got their first inkling of how much lay beneath York in 1972, when the foundation for a Lloyds Bank branch was dug on Pavement Street and artifacts from the city’s Viking period
were discovered in the muck. (Viking raiders captured York—then known as Jorvik—in 866 A.D. and held it for nearly a century before they were finally driven off in 954.)

The Beatles still receive more radio airplay than any other band.

HERE, THERE, EVERYWHERE

An even bigger discovery of Viking artifacts was made down the road in 1976, when an old candy factory on Coppergate Street was torn down to make way for a shopping center. There excavators discovered the remains of a cluster of Viking buildings, complete with animal enclosures, wells, refuse pits, and latrines. Working from 1976 until 1981, archaeologists sifted through 36,000 individual layers of debris—more than eight tons of material in all—to recover more than 40,000 objects, including glass beads, knives, combs, shoes, bowls, keys, locks, dice, fish hooks, even a leather ice skate with a blade carved from bone. Many of these items had been discarded by the Vikings in their rubbish pits.

The artifacts recovered from the Coppergate site were impressive enough that a Viking museum was added to the shopping center so that the artifacts could be displayed right where they’d been found, in a reproduction of the Viking village unearthed at the site. The Jorvik Viking Center opened in April 1984; since then, more than 20 million people from all over the world have passed though its doors.

But many visitors come not to see the treasures unearthed at Coppergate Street—not the Viking coins, shoes, or jewelry, or the dice, the knives, or even the leather-and-bone ice skate. They come to see a much more humble and earthy “treasure” recovered from a lowly Viking latrine at the Lloyds Bank site on Pavement Street. The crowds come to see the 1,200-year-old Lloyds Bank
Coprolite
—or Lloyds Bank Turd, as it is affectionately known—one of the oldest, largest, most intact fossilized pieces of human excrement ever found on Earth.

It’s the only artifact that visitors ask for by name.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF BANK DEPOSIT

The Lloyds Bank Turd isn’t valued just by naughty schoolchildren, either: Serious scientists assign great weight to the discovery, because finding a single, intact human turd from a thousand years ago is so unlikely.

Picky eaters: Of the 5,400 known mammal species, humans have domesticated only 16 for food.

Finding large deposits of biodegraded human waste at a settled site like Jorvik isn’t unusual; indeed, it’s estimated that a third of the entire 10-foot-deep mass of debris beneath York is made up of human and animal waste. Scientists can distinguish between the human poop and the animal poop, which makes it possible to look for clues about the diet and health of the populations that created it.

But such waste is usually found only in large masses, such as at the bottom of latrine pits, and archaeologists can draw only general conclusions about the people that used the latrines, since it’s nearly impossible to distinguish one pooper’s poop from another’s. The value of a single, fossilized poop like the Lloyd’s Bank Turd is that it provides a snapshot of a single person at a single point in time.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

So what do we know about the anonymous Viking who made the most famous deposit that Lloyds Bank is ever likely to see? His or her diet consisted largely of meat and grains, but not much in the way of fruits or vegetables, which may help explain why the sample is nine inches long and weighs half a pound. “Whoever passed it probably hadn’t ‘performed’ for a few days,” says student conservator Gill Snape. Considering the large number of fruit pits and vegetable seeds found at the site but
not
in this particular Viking’s stool, this was likely not the healthiest or the most regular person in the village.

Like a lot of Vikings, this one suffered from at least two types of intestinal parasites: The remains of hundreds of whipworm and maw-worm eggs were found in the stool. The presence of worms in the stool is indicative of the filthy conditions and poor hygiene in Viking settlements. Wells were dug too close to latrines, making the availability of clean, uncontaminated water a hit-or-miss (usually miss) proposition. The dirt floors of the Viking dwellings teemed with fly larvae (maggots) and mouse and rat droppings, with plenty of dog, pig, cow, and horse droppings just outside the door. It was virtually inevitable that residents of such settlements would be infested with intestinal parasites.

HISTORICALLY ACCURATE (MOSTLY)

If you get a chance to visit York, be sure to go to the Jorvik
Viking Center and view the Lloyds Bank Turd in all its glory. Take the entire tour. The Viking village was painstakingly created using the most up-to-date information available when it was built in the early 1980s. And in 2001, when the exhibit underwent a $7.5 million facelift, 25 years of studying the artifacts was used to make the exhibit even more historically accurate. How accurate? The Lloyds Bank Turd was chemically analyzed to create a “fecal odorgram”—a best-guess estimate of what it smelled like when it was first created 1,000 years ago, and that smell has been artificially reproduced to give the latrine display a level of olfactory authenticity unheard of—and unsmelt of—in other museums.

Odds that a member of the United States Congress is a millionaire: 1 in 2.

About the only thing that isn’t accurate about the latrine display is that the Viking figure depicted in mid-squat is partially hidden behind a screen. That’s to protect the
visitors
’ modesty, not the Viking’s. According to the best available evidence, a real Viking latrine wouldn’t have had such a screen. Vikings of that period had little or no squeamishness regarding bathroom functions. They were perfectly comfortable pooping out in the open, even when there were other people around.

THE CROWN STOOLS

So how much is a treasure like the Lloyds Bank Turd worth? More than 20 years ago, Dr. Andrew Jones, the director of the Jorvik Viking Center and a leading “paleo-scatologist” (a scientist who studies ancient fecal matter), had the turd appraised for insurance purposes. The verdict: It was valued at $39,000, an amount that Jones said was
way
too little. “It’s insulting, really,” he told
The Wall Street Journal
in 1991. “This is the most exciting piece of excrement I’ve ever seen. In its own way it’s as irreplaceable as the Crown jewels.”

Irreplaceable, but not
irreparable,
as the world learned in 2003 when a teacher on a class trip to the Viking Center dropped the poop and it broke into three pieces. So did the center cash in its insurance policy? Nope—they just had student curator Gill Snape glue the poop back together and put it back out on display.

“I heard I may be doing some unusual things while I was here,” Snape says, “but I never imagined it would include this.”