Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

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Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

Bathroom Readers' Institute

Uncle John’s

LEGENDARY
LOST
BATHROOM
READER
^®

The Bathroom Readers’
Institute

Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon

UNCLE JOHN’S
LEGENDARY LOST
BATHROOM READER
^®

Copyright © 1999 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute”
are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc.
All rights reserved.

For information, write the Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com

Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld
Brunsfeld Designs,
[email protected]

Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader
^®by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 99-095363
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-670-8

Twenty-first Printing: May 2012
25 24 23 22 21 12 13 14 15 16

Uncle John’s Fifth Bathroom Reader

“Real-Life Songs,” “The ‘Wild Thing’ Story,” “One Hit Wonders,” “The Singing Chipmunks,” and “Translated Hits” originally appeared in
BEHIND THE HITS
. Copyright © 1986 by Bob Shannon and John Javna. Reprinted by permission of the authors.

“The Honeymooners,” “The Adventures of Superman,” and “And Now For Something Completely Different” originally appeared in
CULT TV
. Copyright © 1985 by John Javna. Reprinted by permission of the author.

Excerpts from
THE LITTLE BOOK OF BOSTON PARKING HORRORS
. Copyright © 1986 by Michael Silverstein and Linda Elwood, published by Silverwood Publications. Used with permission of the authors.

“Nixon’s the One?,” “The S&L Scandal: True or False?,” “The Death of Jim Morrison,” “The Death of Warren G. Harding,” “Is Elvis Alive?,” and “Who Killed Malcolm X?” originally appeared in
IT’S A CONSPIRACY!
, by the National Insecurity Council. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of the publisher.

Excerpts used in “Meet Your Commie Masters” from
WHAT TO DO WHEN THE RUSSIANS COME
. Copyright © 1985 by Robert Conquest and John Manship White. Reprinted by permission of University Press.

“Buy American” reprinted from
BUY AMERICAN—BUY THIS BOOK
. Copyright © 1992 by Eric Lefcowitz; published by Ten Speed Press. Reprinted by permission of the author.

Uncle John’s Sixth Bathroom Reader

“Reader’s Article of the Year” excerpted from
THE POWER OF POSITIVE NONSENSE
, by Leo Rosten; published by McGraw Hill. Copyright © 1977. Reprinted by permission of the author.

“The King of Farts” reprinted from
IT’S A GAS: A STUDY OF FLATULENCE
, by Eric S. Rabkin, Ph.D., and Eugene M. Silverman, M.D., Manticore Books: 3644 Creekside Dr., Ann Arbor, MI 48105.

“Twisted Titles” originally appeared in the June 1993 and in 1994 issues of
CALIFORNIA MONTHLY
, published by the California Alumni Association. Reprinted by permission of the California Alumni Association.

TV Theme Song Trivia originally appeared in
The TV Theme Song Sing-Along Songbook
, by John Javna. Copyright © 1984. Used by permission of the author.

J. Edgar Hoover and the Red Menace, The Death of Vicki Morgan, Reefer Madness, and Who Killed Marilyn? originally appeared in
It’s a Conspiracy
, by the National Insecurity Coucil. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield. Used by permission of Earthworks Press.

The Avengers originally appeared in
Cult TV
, by John Javna. Copyright © 1985. Used by permission of the author.

Uncle John’s Seventh Bathroom Reader

The article, “There’s No Such Thing as Smelly Feet,” by Teo Furtado is reprinted by permission of
HEALTH
magazine. Copyright © 1993.

“True Lies: Sweetened with Fruit Juice” originally appeared as “Stripped Juice Tease: Ingredients in Fruit Juice Are Not What’s on the Label,” by Stephen Schmidt in the
NUTRITION ACTION HEALTHLETTER
. Reprinted by permission.

Excerpts reprinted from
AMERICA AT RANDOM: A Multiple Choice Self-Quiz on Everything You Always Wanted to Know About American History...from Paul Revere to Grover Cleveland to The Wright Brothers
, by Jerome Agel. Copyright © 1983. Reprinted by permission of the author.

Excerpts from
IT’S A CONSPIRACY!
by The National Insecurity Council. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of EarthWorks Press.

Excerpts from
BLAND AMBITION: From Adams to Quayle—The Cranks, Criminals, Tax Cheats, and Golfers Who Made It to Vice President
. Copyright © 1992 by Steve Tally. Reprinted by permission.

Excerpts from
POPE-POURRI
, by John Dollison. Copyright © 1992. Reprinted by permission of the author.

Welcome to the Outer Limits originally appeared in
Cult TV
, by John Javna. Copyright © 1985. Used by permission.

THANK YOU

The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

John Javna
Gordon Javna
Michael Brunsfeld
John Dollison
Jennifer & Sage
Jeff Altemus
Jay Newman
Sharilyn Hovind
Jack Mingo
Erin Barrett
Paul Stanley
Lonnie Kirk
Julie Roeming
Bennie Slomski
Nenelle Bunnin
Hi, Emily and Molly Bennett
Julie Bennett
Claudia Bauer
Larry Kelp
Peter Wing
Kelly Rogers
Ross Owens
Leo Rosten
Russel Schoch
Penelope Houston
Andrea Sohn
Lenna Lebovich
Mustard Press
Eric Lefcowitz
Jesse & Sophie,
B.R.I.T
.
...and all the
bathroom readers

A WORD FROM
UNCLE JOHN

T
his book is a special edition, created for the thousands of fans who’ve called or written over the years trying to get copies of our
Fifth, Sixth
, or
Seventh Bathroom Readers
. Usually they tell us that they’ve looked in a number of stores, and even tried to order them. Sometimes they ask if the books really exist—or if we’ve just been playing games with them. For those folks, this really is the
Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader
.

The books do exist...But for years they’ve been next to impossible to find in bookstores. Here’s why:

As you probably know, we’ve put out one new
Bathroom Reader
each year since 1988. The first four 220-page books were published by St. Martin’s Press. Then, in 1992, we decided to take over the publishing ourselves. We found a great printer (Banta), a distributor who could get our books into stores (Publishers Group West, or PGW)...and the Bathroom Readers’ Press was born.

Thanks to enthusiastic readers, we were successful right away. Nearly every copy of
Uncle John’s Fifth Bathroom Reader
sold out in 1992. We were on a roll...but we still had a lot to learn. When PGW asked us to reprint the book, so they could fill the thousands of new orders they were getting, we just ignored them; we were busy writing our new edition, and thought that was more important. PGW didn’t push the issue—they figured we were a little eccentric anyway.

So there were no new copies to ship.

The same thing happened in 1993 with
Uncle John’s Sixth Bathroom Reader
and in 1994 with
Uncle John’s Seventh Bathroom Reader
.

In the end, the three books were never reprinted.

A NEW ATTITUDE

In 1995, the BRI moved to Ashland, Oregon. We decided to take the publishing business more seriously, and made a series of changes. For example, we stopped numbering the book titles, so people wouldn’t feel compelled to read them in order...and we made the
Bathroom Readers
longer, so they’d last a whole year. We started doing reprints of our latest books, too. (There have now been 10 editions of our 1995 volume,
The Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
.)

We’re happy to say that our books are getting more popular all the time. One of the offshoots of our growing readership is an interest in the older volumes.

Until recently, we could usually help the most insistent fans by scrounging a copy of one the
Fifth, Sixth
, or
Seventh BR
from somewhere. But now we’re completely out. Not a single one can be found anywhere...so we’ve decided to finally give in, and reprint them. This single volume contains the text of all three books.

We’ve made a few changes—spelling and punctuation have been corrected whenever possible, and some of the running feet that were ridiculously outdated have been replaced. There are also a few replacement articles. But we’ve resisted the impulse to rewrite everything. These are reprints after all, and the important thing is simply to make them available—warts and all.

Looking at them now, 6 to 8 years after they were written, we can see that the books have a somewhat uneven quality. Some of our favorite pieces are included here...but so are a few things we’d rather forget about.

Overall, however, we’re proud of the material. We think this volume—our biggest ever—is a lot of fun and great bathroom reading. And that’s what counts, after all. Enjoy it...

and

Go With the Flow!

CONTENTS

NOTE
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject:
Short
—A quick read
Medium
—1 to 3 pages
Long
—For those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

POP SCIENCE

Short

One Nuclear Bomb Can Ruin Your Whole Day

Accidental Discoveries