Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (18 page)
Read Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
Americans recycled enough paper in 1990 to make 100 billion pizza boxes.
NO, NO, NOT AGAIN!
“Bonanza” was one of the most popular TV shows of the 1960s. Its theme song—an instrumental by guitarist Al Caiola—hit #19 on the
Billboard
charts in 1961.
Most fans never knew that the theme song had lyrics, and that the Cartwright family had actually sung it once on the show: at the end of the “Bonanza” pilot episode, Ben, Adam, Little Joe, and Hoss rode into the sunset singing its ludicrous lyrics, “We got a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza...”
The rendition was so awful that it’s been shown on TV blooper shows...but it was never sung on the show again.
HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
When the 1950s nostalgia show “Happy Days” made its debut in 1974, it didn’t have a theme song. Instead, the producers used “Rock Around the Clock,” by Bill Haley and the Comets—which had been #1 in 1955 but hadn’t been on the charts since then. Such is the power of TV that “Rock Around the Clock” became a Top 40 hit again in 1974 and Haley—a “has-been”—was briefly resurrected as a star.
In 1976 a new theme was introduced. “Happy Days,” sung by a duo named Pratt and McClain, immediately went to #5 on the national charts.
HERE ON GILLIGAN’S ISLE
“Gilligan’s Island” creator Sherwood Schwartz had a hell of a time selling his show to CBS. Network executives insisted that while the basic idea was okay, it had one major flaw: viewers who turned in for the first time wouldn’t understand what seven people were doing on an island together. They wanted Schwartz to turn “Gilligan” into a sitcom about a charter boat instead.
Schwartz desperately wanted to keep the original premise...and came up with a solution: he wrote a theme song that described who the characters were and how they wound up on the island. Then, in the middle of a formal meeting with CBS execs, he abruptly got up and performed the tune. They bought the show.
WE’RE #1
The first TV theme to hit #1 on the charts was “Davy Crockett,” in 1955. The second was “Welcome Back Kotter,” in 1976.
Americans bought almost a billion pounds of unpopped popcorn in 1990.
The tabloids are full of stones of people who see images of Jesus in everything from a lima bean to a smudge on a car window. Could they be real? Here are the details of five sightings. Judge for yourself.
T
he Sighting:
Jesus in a forkful of spaghetti, Stone Mountain, Georgia
Revelation:
Joyce Simpson, an Atlanta fashion designer, was pulling out of a gas station in Stone Mountain when she saw the face of Jesus in a forkful of spaghetti on a billboard advertising Pizza Hut’s pasta menu. Simpson says at the time she was trying to decide whether to stay in the church choir or quit and sing professionally. (She decided to stick with the choir.)
Impact:
Since the sighting, dozens of other people called Pizza Hut to say that they, too, had seen someone in the spaghetti. But not all the callers agreed that the man in the spaghetti was Jesus; some saw Doors singer Jim Morrison; others saw country star Willie Nelson.
The Sighting:
Jesus in a tortilla, Lake Arthur, New Mexico
Revelation:
On October 5, 1977, Maria Rubio was making burritos for her husband when she noticed a 3-by-3-inch face of Jesus burned into the tortilla she was cooking. Local priests argued that the image was only a coincidence, but the Rubio family’s faith was unshaken. They saved the tortilla, framed it, and built a shrine for it in their living room.
Impact:
To date more than 11,000 people have visited it.
The Sighting:
Jesus on a soybean oil tank, Fostoria, Ohio
Revelation:
Rita Rachen was driving home from work along Ohio Route 12 one night in 1986 when she saw the image of Jesus with a small child on the side of an Archer Daniels Midland Company oil tank containing soybean oil. She screamed, “Oh, my Lord, my God,” and nearly drove off the side of the road, but recovered enough to continue driving.
Seven of the 50 most popular TV broadcasts ever were episodes of “The Beverly Hillbillies.”
Impact:
She spread the word to other faithful, and the soybean tank became a popular pilgrimage site. (Since then, however, the oil tank has been repainted. Jesus is no longer visible.)
The Sighting:
Jesus on the side of a refrigerator, Estill Springs, Tennessee
Revelation:
When Arlene Gardner bought a new refrigerator, she had the old one dragged out onto her front porch. A few nights later, she noticed several of her neighbors were standing around staring at the old fridge. They told her that the reflection from a neighbor’s porch light had created an image of Jesus on the side of the fridge. Gardner took a look and agreed.
Impact:
Soon thousands of faithful were making pilgrimages to the site—so many, in fact, that Gardner’s neighbors had their porch light disconnected, so Jesus could be seen no more. (
Note:
Not everyone agreed that Jesus had really made an appearance; as one local skeptic explained to a reporter, “When the good Lord comes, he won’t come on a major appliance.”)
The Sighting:
A 900-foot Jesus at the City of Faith, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Revelation:
This vision—one of the most publicized Jesus sightings ever—came to famed televangelist Oral Roberts on May 25, 1980 ...but he inexplicably kept it secret for over five months. Then one day he shared his vision and explained what he’d seen to reporters: “He reached down, put His hand under the City of Faith (a city Roberts had built), lifted it, and said to me, ‘See how easy it is for me to lift it?’”
On January 4, 1987, Roberts told his followers God had appeared again, this time demanding $8 million. Roberts warned that if the money wasn’t sent in by March 31, “God would call me home.”
Impact:
Roberts’s followers coughed up $9.1 million.
Royal Gossip
Queen Elizabeth likes to do crossword puzzles. She also likes to read mysteries by Dick Francis and play parlor games like charades.
Canada’s official animal is the beaver.
HAPPENED IN
1000 A.D.? (Part I)
As the clock ticks down to 2000, will people begin to lose control? Will panicky crowds stampede grocery stores? Isn’t that what happened in the last millennium? Maybe not.
T
HE STORY
According to popular lore, Europeans in the year 999 A.D. were even more panicked about the apocalypse than people are today. As the year ticked away, they gave away or sold their possessions, set their animals loose, left their homes, and huddled in churches to pray for salvation.
A DETAILED HISTORY
In his book
Doomsday: 1999 A.D
., Charles Berlitz describes “the year of doom” in detail.
“As the year 999 neared its end a sort of mass hysteria took hold of Europe. All forms of activity became affected by the specter of impending doom...Men forgave each other their debts, husbands and wives confessed suspected and unsuspected infidelities to each other...poachers proclaimed their unlawful poachings to the lords of manors...
As the year rolled on toward its end, commerce dwellings were neglected and let fall into ruin...There was a wave of suicides as people sought to punish themselves in advance of Doomsday or simply could not stand the pressure of waiting for Judgement Day....
As the night of December 31 approached, the general frenzy reached new heights. In Rome, the immense Basilica of St. Peter’s was crowded for the midnight mass which in the belief of many might be the last mass they would ever attend on earth.
Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence in only 18 days.
MEANWHILE, IN ROME...
Frederick H. Martens writes in
The Story of Human Life
that there was a dramatic New Year’s Eve climax at St. Peter’s:
“Pope Sylvester II stood before the high altar. The church was overcrowded, all in it lay on their knees. The silence was so great that the rustling of the Pope’s white sleeves as he moved about the altar could be heard. And there was still another sound...that seemed to measure out the last minutes of the earth’s thousand years of existence between towns and cities was largely interrupted; since the coming of Christ—the door of the church sacristy stood open, and the audience heard the regular, uninterrupted tick, tick, tock of the great clock which hung within....
The midnight mass had been said, and a deathly silence fell. The audience waited....Pope Sylvester said not a word....The clock kept on ticking....Like children afraid of the dark, all those in the church lay with their faces to the ground, and did not venture to look up. The sweat of terror ran from many an icy brow, and knees and feet which had fallen asleep lost all feeling. Then, suddenly—the clock stopped ticking! Among the congregation the beginning of a scream of terror began to form in many a throat. Stricken dead by fear, several bodies dropped on the stone floor.
WHEW!
Berlitz picks up the narrative again: “Then the clock began to strike. It struck one, two, three, four. It struck twelve. The twelfth stroke echoed out, and a deathly silence still reigned! Then it was that Pope Sylvester turned around, and with the proud smile of a victor stretched out his hands in blessing over the heads of those who filled the church....Men and women fell in each other’s arms, laughing and crying and exchanging the kiss of peace. Thus ended the thousandth year after the birth of Christ.”
It’s a pretty exciting story...but is any of it true?
Turn to page 293 for
Part II
.
You can make 11½ omelettes with one ostrich egg.
A palindrome is a word or phrase that spells the same thing backward and forward. Here are the best that BRI members have sent us. Try your own. If you come up with a good one, send it to us and we’ll publish it in the next edition.
No, Son.
Sue us!
Pots nonstop.
Dump mud.
Go, dog!
Stack cats.
Worm row.
Party trap.
Wonder if Sununu’s fired now.
Never odd or even.
Ed is on no side.
Step on no pets.
Rise to vote, sir!
Naomi, did I moan?
“Desserts,” I stressed.
Spit Q-Tips.
Roy, am I mayor?
A car, a man, a maraca.
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
A man, a plan, a canal... Panama!
Live not on evil.
If I had a Hi-Fi...
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
Put Eliot’s toilet up.
Pull up, Bob, pull up!
Pa’s a sap.
Ma is as selfless as I am.
Did mom poop? Mom did.
We panic in a pew.
Yawn a more Roman way.
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
Airlines in America spend an average of $5.73 on food per passenger per flight.
MADE A PRESIDENT
John Kennedy owed his 1960 nomination for the presidency to a carefully planned campaign...starting with the 1956 TV speech that made him a national political figure.
B
ACKGROUND.
In 1956 John F. Kennedy—an ambitious freshman senator from Massachusetts—wanted the Democratic nomination for vice president. But his chances were slim; the favorite was Senator Estes Kefauver of Tennessee.
On the first night of the Democratic convention, Kennedy narrated a film on the history of the Democratic party, called
The Pursuit of Happiness
. It was well received, and when JFK went to take a bow, the applause “was surprisingly loud and long.”
Adlai Stevenson, the Democrats’ presidential candidate, was impressed. He asked JFK to give his nomination speech—a peace offering that meant JFK wasn’t going to be his running mate. But Kennedy didn’t give up. He saw the speech as an opportunity. “One last possibility remained,” writes Herbert Parmet in
The Struggles of John F. Kennedy
, “—going before the convention with a performance...so effective that even Stevenson and the other skeptics would have no choice but to recognize Kennedy’s attractions as a running mate.”
Although Stevenson gave Kennedy a prepared speech, JFK discarded it and spent the next 10 hours working on a new one.
THE SPEECH.
On August 16, 1956, JFK made his first nationally televised speech, placing Stevenson’s name in nomination. A few excerpts:
• “We here today are selecting a man who must be more than a good candidate, more than a good politician....We are selecting the head of the most powerful nation on Earth—the man who will hold in his hands the power of survival or destruction, of freedom or slavery.”
• “We must, therefore, think beyond the balloting of tonight and tomorrow to seek, beyond even the election of this November, and think instead of the four years ahead and of the crises that will come in them....Let us be frank about the campaign in the days ahead. Our party will be up against two of the toughest, most skilled campaigners in American political history—one who takes the high road (Eisenhower) and one who takes the low road (Nixon).”