Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (37 page)

DR. STRANGELOVE.
Dr. Kissinger, I presume? According to Penny Stallings in
Flesh & Fantasy
, “[Director] Stanley Kubrick... made a special trip to Harvard to meet Dr. Henry Kissinger while researching the title role for his screen adaptation of
Dr. Strangelove
.”

DR. JEKYL & MR. HYDE.
Inspired by Dr. Horace Wells, celebrated inventor of modern anesthetics. He got hooked on ether and went mad; he was jailed for throwing acid in a woman’s face while under its effects.

William Moulton Marston, creator of Wonder Woman, also invented the polygraph.

Here are the origins of some well-known sayings.

A
LOOSE CANNON

Meaning:
Dangerously out of control.

Origin:
On old-time warships, cannons were mounted on “wheeled carriages.” When they weren’t being used, they were tied down. “Now imagine a warship rolling and pitching in a violent gale.” A gun breaks loose and starts rolling around the ship—”a ton or so of metal on wheels rolling unpredictably about the deck, crippling or killing any sailor unlucky enough to get in the way and perhaps smashing through the ship’s side. Human loose cannons are equally dangerous to their associates and to bystanders.” (From
Loose Cannons and Red Herrings
, by Robert Claiborne)

DYED IN THE WOOL

Meaning:
Dedicated, committed, uncompromising.

Origin:
From the textile trade. “It was discovered that yarn that’s dyed ‘in the wool’—before being woven—retained its color better than yarn that was dyed ‘in the piece,’ i.e. after being woven.” So if something’s dyed-in-the-wool, it’s unlikely to change. (From
Getting to the Roots
, by Martin Manser)

GET YOUR DUCKS LINED UP IN A ROW

Meaning:
Get organized, ready for action.

Origin:
Refers to setting up bowling pins—which were called
duckpins
in early America, because people thought they looked like ducks.

FIRST RATE

Meaning:
The very best.

Origin:
“In the 1600s a system for rating British naval ships according to their size and strength was developed. There were six different ratings, with a warship of the first rate being the largest and most heavily armed and one of the sixth rate being considerably smaller and having far fewer guns.” The general public picked up the phrase right away, using it for anything topnotch. (From
Why You Say It
, by Webb Garrison)

Unemployment stat: Nevada has more out-of-work dancers than any other state.

Ever wondered what it’d be like to be king—or president—of your own country? Here are some people who found out.

A
TLANTIS

Founding Father:
J. L. Mott, a Danish sea captain History: In 930 A.D., Leif Ericson, a Viking explorer, discovered some Caribbean islands he mistook for remnants of the lost continent of Atlantis. In 1934, claiming to be Ericson’s descendant, Mott declared himself the rightful heir to the islands, which he could not locate but believed “were somewhere near Panama.” He drafted a one-page constitution and began issuing passports and triangle-shaped postage stamps.

What Happened:
The International Postal Union refused to recognize Mott’s postage stamps. Then, in 1936, Mott was almost arrested for trying to enter the United States using an Atlantis passport. By 1954 the elusive country had been renamed the Empire of Atlantis and Lemuria. Despite the country’s fancy new name, however, all attempts to actually
locate
it have failed.

GRANBIA

Founding Father:
Andrew Richardson, a Liverpool postal worker

History:
In the 1970s, Richardson declared his semi-detached flat to be the independent nation of Granbia (the rest of the building remained a part of the United Kingdom).

What Happened:
He lost interest, and the apartment reverted to England by default.

NEW ATLANTIS

Founding Father:
Leicester Hemingway, little brother of author Ernest Hemingway

History:
In 1964 he built an 8-by-30-foot floating bamboo platform seven miles off the coast of Jamaica, anchoring it to the ocean floor with a Ford engine block. “I can stand on the platform, walk around on it, and salute the flag, all of which I do periodically,” Hemingway bragged to reporters. “There are no taxes here, because taxes are for people not smart enough to start their own countries.”

1950s nostalgia: Howdy Doody’s sister’s name was Heidi Doody.

What Happened:
Part of the country was destroyed by fishermen in search of scrap wood; the rest sank in a storm.

HUTT RIVER PROVINCE PRINCIPALITY

Founding Father:
“Prince” Leonard George Casely, an Australian wheat farmer

History:
When the Western Australia Wheat Quota Board limited the amount of wheat he could grow in 1969, Casely and his 18,500-acre farm seceded. He designed his own national flag and motto, printed his own money, and set up his own parliament.

What Happened:
Australia refused to recognize his sovereignty, so in 1977 he declared war. Nothing came of it—he backed down two days later and re-established diplomatic relations. Casely claims he pays no Australian taxes, but admits he makes payments to the Australian government as an “international courtesy.”

ISLE OF THE ROSES

Founding Father:
Giorgio Rosa, an Italian engineering professor

History:
Rosa built a tower in the Adriatic Sea large enough to contain a bar, restaurant, and post office, and declared independence from Italy.

What Happened:
The Italian government ignored him at first—but after a while they invaded the tower and blew it up.

SOLAR ATLANTIC EMPIRE

Founding Father:
David Owen, a writer for the
Atlantic Monthly

History:
Owen wanted to form his own country but couldn’t find any available land. So he took possession of the sun, one of the last unclaimed territories in the solar system. He backed up his claim by writing a letter to the U.S. State Department asking for official recognition. “The sun should now be referred to as the Solar Atlantic Empire,” he wrote, “and I, henceforth, will be known as Lord High Suzerain of Outer Space.”

What Happened:
The State Department wrote back saying that it was unable to consider his application.

The Columbia University football team’s mascot, Leo the Lion, inspired the MGM lion.

Here it is again—our feature based on Andy Warhol’s prophetic comment that “in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.” Here’s how a few people are using up their allotted quarter-hour.

T
HE STAR:
Angelyne (she won’t tell anyone her real name)

THE HEADLINE:
Blonde Bimbo’s Billboards Bring Big Bonus

WHAT HAPPENED:
In 1981 Angelyne—an out-of-work busty blonde—began posting billboards of herself all over L.A. (they simply said
Angelyne
, and listed a phone number) and distributing hot-pink press releases (describing her as “a living icon, Hollywood billboard queen, the new Love Goddess of the Future!”) from her pink Corvette. Later she had an 85-foot-high likeness of herself painted on the side of a building at Hollywood and Vine.

The result: She made more than 250 media appearances, including bit parts in films like Earth
Girls Are Easy
and
L.A. Story
. Her billboard appeared in the opening montage of “Moonlighting” and in an issue of
National Geographic
.

THE AFTERMATH:
She never made it as a sex symbol, but has come to represent, as one writer put it, “raw fame, unsullied by any known talent, charm, or accomplishments.” She doesn’t mind. “I’m the first person in the history of Hollywood to be famous for doing nothing,” she says, and adds: “I really don’t want to be famous for being an actress. I just want to be famous for the magic I possess.”

THE STAR:
Larry Villella

THE HEADLINE:
14-Year-Old Chips in to Cut Deficit

WHAT HAPPENED:
In February 1993, President Clinton was trying to drum up support for his “deficit-reduction plan.” So Larry Villella, a 14-year-old from Fargo, North Dakota, sent the White House $1,000 (money he earned watering trees) to help pay it off.

Somehow, the media found out about Larry’s check
before
it got to Washington—and every U.S. news service reported it as a major story. Larry was an instant celebrity. He was invited to appear on network TV talk shows, where he told interviewers his story—and got a chance to plug a tree-watering gizmo he’d invented.

General Douglas MacArthur’s mother dressed him in skirts until he was eight years old.

THE AFTERMATH:
He inspired people all over the U.S. One San Francisco man even sent the White House 375 lbs. of coins (about $500) he’d been saving. As for Larry’s check: Clinton sent it back with a note that said: “I am very impressed with your concern...but I cannot accept your money.” (Bonus: Bill Cosby sent Larry $2,000 as “a thank-you on behalf of the American people.”)

THE STAR:
Keron Thomas, a 16-year-old New York student

THE HEADLINE:
New York Youth Takes A-Train on Joyride

WHAT HAPPENED:
On May 8, 1993, a man carrying a set of motorman’s tools and a Transit Authority identification signed in at New York City’s subway trainyard. “I’m the substitute man,” he said. “Got anything for me?” They did—an A train.

The only problem: he wasn’t the substitute man—and wasn’t even a transit employee. He was Keron Thomas, a high school sophomore.

Thomas drove his train the length of Manhattan and all the way to Queens, carrying an estimated 2,000 passengers and making 85 stops along the way (he was even on
schedule
). The trip was so uneventful that he probably would have gotten away with it...until he took a turn too fast and set off the emergency brakes. He escaped before they learned his true identity, but investigators arrested him two days later.

THE AFTERMATH:
He pled guilty to three misdemeanors and was sentenced to three years’ probation. Why such a light sentence? As
The New York Times
said, authorities were “wary of punishing a folk hero.” As he left the courtroom, he declared: “I’m going to be a train engineer.”

THE STAR:
Don Calhoun

THE HEADLINE:
Lucky Fan Hits $1 Million Shot in Chicago

WHAT HAPPENED:
On April 14, 1993, a 23-year-old office supply salesman named Don Calhoun got a free ticket to an NBA game between the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls.

As Calhoun headed for his seat at the game, someone told him he’d been picked to take the “Million Dollar Shot” (a promotion sponsored by Coca-Cola and a local restaurant chain). He’d get to shoot a basket. The prize: $1 million. Eighteen people had already tried and failed. (Why was he picked?
His shoes:
the Bulls marketing representative loved his yellow suede hiking boots.)

A married man is four times more likely to die during sex if his partner isn’t his wife.

At first he didn’t want to do it—he even suggested that his friend make the shot instead. But the Bulls representative insisted. “I thought she was crazy,” Calhoun told reporters. “But she ran after me, so I shrugged and said ‘Okay.’” During a time-out early in the third period, he was brought to the floor. He took one dribble, launched the ball, and...basket!

THE AFTERMATH:
Just about every sportscaster in the country carried Calhoun’s Cinderella story on the news that night. He also did radio interviews, TV shows, even NBC’s “Today” show. But a few days later, the bubble burst: It turned out Calhoun had played 11 games of college basketball, and the rules stipulated that no one who’d played in college could participate. But the ensuing publicity was so bad that Coke, the owner of the Bulls, and the restaurant all assured him he’d get his money anyway.

THE STAR:
Holden Hollom

THE HEADLINE:
Frisco Cabbie Nabs Runaway Crook

WHAT HAPPENED:
On a June night in 1989, Hollom, a 51-year-old San Francisco cabbie (and former stunt driver) was driving a fare up Market Street, when he saw someone knock down a woman and steal her purse. He gave chase, yelling to his surprised passenger, “You’re riding for free!”

He cornered the purse snatcher (a 212-lb. ex-convict) in an alley. To keep him from running away, he pinned him to the wall with his cab bumper. Newspapers all over the country reported the citizen’s arrest as an example of what’s
right
about America, and lauded Hollom for getting involved. He appeared on every major talk show, including “Larry King” and “Donahue.”

AFTERMATH:
The crook had to undergo three operations on his legs, and in 1992 sued Hollom for using excessive force. When he won, and was awarded $24,500 by a jury, the verdict got as much attention as the original incident. It generated more than $100,000 from outraged sympathizers who felt the cabbie had been shafted. (The verdict was later overturned.) Fleeting fame: Hollom later ran for the S.F. Board of Supervisors, but came in 19th in a field of 26 candidates.

New Hampshire allows boys to be married at 14 and girls at 13—with parental permission.

Here’s a game where the position of words and letters is part of the sentence. See if you can figure out what these say. If you need a sample answer, check out the Hints at the end of the last column. Answers on
page 661
.

1. A letter was addressed to:

WOOD

JOHN

MASS

Who got it; where did they live?

2. I thought I heard a noise outside, but it was

ALL 0

3. Let’s have    STANDING